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Old 02-09-2016, 07:37 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,153,987 times
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these days. I did want to edit to add that I really do think that if my mother were truly sick and truly needed caregiving, I would get past our differences and take care of her. The sad thing is because she acts the way she does at such a young age, that when she really does need caregiving, I am not going to want to give it. For me it is a matter of her wanting someone else to take care of her and make her life worth living, that is such a huge weight to put on someone.

As most know my mother lives in my home with my family and I. I have 2 brothers who live in another state, one brother who has limited contact with my mother, due to her judgmental nature in regards to his wife and how they lead their lives, the other brother by her own admission is her favorite child. Aside from the favorite child calling every other day, there is no contact between they and I ( most days that works really well as I deeply resent them for putting me in a position to have her live with me). I know both of them and neither one is willing to acknowledge her issues or wants to deal with them.

My frustration lately is with both they and my mother. Our mother/daughter relationship was never a normal relationship but wasn't as strained as it is now, so it makes living with her an unhappy thing for both she and I. To further complicate matters, she and my father never planned for their senior years, so all she has income wise is his social security, medicare and a supplement. The last couple of months she has decided that confession is good for her soul and told me some things about my childhood that I had vague memories of but just wasn't sure if they were a figment of my imagination, so now while her conscience is clear, she has burdened me with things I didn't really want to deal with. (I know I need counseling)

I was reading some posts on here and on another CD forum and realized that she could live for another 20 years and I can't deal with that. Most days I survive by minimalizing my interactions with her, I keep hearing everyone saying "your mom raised you so you owe her" and "you are really going to miss her when she is gone." I don't feel like I owe her to give up my whole life and identity for her when she is not willing to do her part. We basically had to shame her into going to the senior center, she says she enjoys it but then makes comments about how old everyone is. To which I want to say "of course they are old, they are in their 80's and you are 68, there are a large number of people your age that are active, working and living life to the fullest, yet you have given up."

My husband has been pretty good about helping me in regards to my emotions and luckily for me he and the kids all see how she really is. He has said when our youngest graduates from high school in 3 years, my mother has to go, whether it is to a nursing home, back to Texas with the favored child or into her own apartment, she cannot stay because we are going to enjoy our retirement. If I had the money, I would move her out today and never look back. I don't feel like I owe her, because quite frankly she wasn't a good mother to me, it seems like when my father died 4 years ago she died to, so I think I am just going to feel relief when she is gone. Really at this point in time the only caregiving I do for her ( she is capable of everything else) is go with her to her doctors appointments, she does seem to have memory loss (has an appt in April with a neurologist to see if there is any dementia going on) but most days I feel like her "poor me" and memory loss is just an attempt at attention, she was the center of my fathers world for 12 years after his retirement and wants her kids to now feel that gap. I have to add that she does have some health conditions but none that aren't easily treatable and liveable with proper medication, exercise and diet but at the end of the day she has to decide that she wants to be happy, I can't make her happy. She is whiny, needy and today it is weighing heavily on me. I wish somedays that I could be a cold hearted person and just toss her out but I can't. So for now I am stuck and just being whiny today. I really just needed a whine session, so if you made it this far, thank you

Last edited by ajzjmsmom; 02-09-2016 at 07:53 AM.. Reason: added comment
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Old 02-09-2016, 07:59 AM
 
8,016 posts, read 7,295,370 times
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If she's still 68 and relatively good health, 25 years is very possible. Many folks on here look after their parent until it's no longer possible due to worsening health issues and the limitations of their time, finances, in-home facilities, or all of the above. It could be 15 to 20 years before forced institutionalization could be thrust up on her. Maybe she can be moved to a nearby senior living facility that's affordable. We have county-subsidized apartments for seniors nearby that are only $600/month.

I think your best option is to consult with her favorite child and see what he'd like to do. Either he can take her in, or she can be moved close to him.
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Old 02-09-2016, 08:05 AM
 
Location: Leaving fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada
3,859 posts, read 6,869,991 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
these days. I did want to edit to add that I really do think that if my mother were truly sick and truly needed caregiving, I would get past our differences and take care of her. The sad thing is because she acts the way she does at such a young age, that when she really does need caregiving, I am not going to want to give it. For me it is a matter of her wanting someone else to take care of her and make her life worth living, that is such a huge weight to put on someone.

As most know my mother lives in my home with my family and I. I have 2 brothers who live in another state, one brother who has limited contact with my mother, due to her judgmental nature in regards to his wife and how they lead their lives, the other brother by her own admission is her favorite child. Aside from the favorite child calling every other day, there is no contact between they and I ( most days that works really well as I deeply resent them for putting me in a position to have her live with me). I know both of them and neither one is willing to acknowledge her issues or wants to deal with them.

My frustration lately is with both they and my mother. Our mother/daughter relationship was never a normal relationship but wasn't as strained as it is now, so it makes living with her an unhappy thing for both she and I. To further complicate matters, she and my father never planned for their senior years, so all she has income wise is his social security, medicare and a supplement. The last couple of months she has decided that confession is good for her soul and told me some things about my childhood that I had vague memories of but just wasn't sure if they were a figment of my imagination, so now while her conscience is clear, she has burdened me with things I didn't really want to deal with. (I know I need counseling)

I was reading some posts on here and on another CD forum and realized that she could live for another 20 years and I can't deal with that. Most days I survive by minimalizing my interactions with her, I keep hearing everyone saying "your mom raised you so you owe her" and "you are really going to miss her when she is gone." I don't feel like I owe her to give up my whole life and identity for her when she is not willing to do her part. We basically had to shame her into going to the senior center, she says she enjoys it but then makes comments about how old everyone is. To which I want to say "of course they are old, they are in their 80's and you are 68, there are a large number of people your age that are active, working and living life to the fullest, yet you have given up."

My husband has been pretty good about helping me in regards to my emotions and luckily for me he and the kids all see how she really is. He has said when our youngest graduates from high school in 3 years, my mother has to go, whether it is to a nursing home, back to Texas with the favored child or into her own apartment, she cannot stay because we are going to enjoy our retirement. If I had the money, I would move her out today and never look back. I don't feel like I owe her, because quite frankly she wasn't a good mother to me, it seems like when my father died 4 years ago she died to, so I think I am just going to feel relief when she is gone. Really at this point in time the only caregiving I do for her ( she is capable of everything else) is go with her to her doctors appointments, she does seem to have memory loss (has an appt in April with a neurologist to see if there is any dementia going on) but most days I feel like her "poor me" and memory loss is just an attempt at attention, she was the center of my fathers world for 12 years after his retirement and wants her kids to now feel that gap. I have to add that she does have some health conditions but none that aren't easily treatable and liveable with proper medication, exercise and diet but at the end of the day she has to decide that she wants to be happy, I can't make her happy. She is whiny, needy and today it is weighing heavily on me. I wish somedays that I could be a cold hearted person and just toss her out but I can't. So for now I am stuck and just being whiny today. I really just needed a whine session, so if you made it this far, thank you
Sending you a big {{{{hug}}}}. Caregiving is rough and having a parent who wasn't good to you has got to be awful. I would definitely seek out counseling. If you find a good counselor, I would make counseling mandatory for your mom if she is going to remain living in your home.

Otherwise why shouldn't she be with her favorite?
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Old 02-09-2016, 08:06 AM
 
3,758 posts, read 10,633,208 times
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68 is really young for her to just "give up" on the world. So I can understand your frustration. First off - as to her income - you said she has social security. Do you know if she has social security under her own account, or if it spousal support from your father's account? I believe when a spouse dies, the surving spouse is allowed to make a change in social security if it would benefit them financially. So you should check on that (or have her do it) as the more income she has, the more options she (and your family!) have.

As far as dealing with your frustrations, I don't think anyone can blame you for just keeping things civil and minimizing contact to some degree. The fact that you're giving her a place to live, and providing that support is great.. but I agree with your husband, there's no reason for her to live with you forever.. (especially since at this point its not acutally a "caregiving" situation, as much as it is a "take in a homeless relative" situation.

As far as your mom's craving attention, etc.. Some people have that type of personality - it's unlikely you'll be able to change it, so I think just being polite/civil but not necessarily fawning over her is probably healthy for you. She may not be able to change who she is, but that doesn't mean you can't teach her (politely) who you are and what you're willing to do for her (yes, I will give you a place to live and be polite to you, no I will not spend every waking minute caring for you).

vent anytime.. the internet is always open!
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Old 02-09-2016, 08:25 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,153,987 times
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Originally Posted by Briolat21 View Post
68 is really young for her to just "give up" on the world. So I can understand your frustration. First off - as to her income - you said she has social security. Do you know if she has social security under her own account, or if it spousal support from your father's account? I believe when a spouse dies, the surving spouse is allowed to make a change in social security if it would benefit them financially. So you should check on that (or have her do it) as the more income she has, the more options she (and your family!) have.

As far as dealing with your frustrations, I don't think anyone can blame you for just keeping things civil and minimizing contact to some degree. The fact that you're giving her a place to live, and providing that support is great.. but I agree with your husband, there's no reason for her to live with you forever.. (especially since at this point its not acutally a "caregiving" situation, as much as it is a "take in a homeless relative" situation.

As far as your mom's craving attention, etc.. Some people have that type of personality - it's unlikely you'll be able to change it, so I think just being polite/civil but not necessarily fawning over her is probably healthy for you. She may not be able to change who she is, but that doesn't mean you can't teach her (politely) who you are and what you're willing to do for her (yes, I will give you a place to live and be polite to you, no I will not spend every waking minute caring for you).

vent anytime.. the internet is always open!
It is spousal support from my fathers account, she never worked.

You are correct in that this is her personality, I really believe that she has dependent personality disorder and always has. but up until 4 years ago she as my fathers problem, I do want to add that to some degree he encouraged that dependency on him and now she wants the same thing from me but I am not willing to do that. I have spent most of my life feeling like she was smothering me, escaped that at 17 and now at 49 I find myself feeling smothered again. I do know that I NEVER want any of my children to feel the way about me as I do about my mother, I feel like I have been able to break the mold of parenting that my parents had and have provided and much more stable and healthy relationship with my children.

Thanks for allowing me to vent, my husband listens to me but I can tell he gets frustrated at my frustration at times. He is all about calling my brothers, telling them that they are wastrels and to get their butts to the airport because their mother is on the way back to them. LOL Hindsight is 20/20 they say and I really wish I hadn't acted on emotions last June and just left her back in Texas, if she had chosen to get her life straight, then good for her but if she had chosen to continue down the destructive path she is on, then it would have been on her. If only we could go back in time.
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Old 02-09-2016, 08:26 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,153,987 times
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Originally Posted by photobuff42 View Post
Sending you a big {{{{hug}}}}. Caregiving is rough and having a parent who wasn't good to you has got to be awful. I would definitely seek out counseling. If you find a good counselor, I would make counseling mandatory for your mom if she is going to remain living in your home.

Otherwise why shouldn't she be with her favorite?
My mother has tried counseling several times in the past yet there has never been any change.

My husband says the same thing as you, why shouldn't she be with her favorite.
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Old 02-09-2016, 08:30 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,153,987 times
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Originally Posted by lchoro View Post
If she's still 68 and relatively good health, 25 years is very possible. Many folks on here look after their parent until it's no longer possible due to worsening health issues and the limitations of their time, finances, in-home facilities, or all of the above. It could be 15 to 20 years before forced institutionalization could be thrust up on her. Maybe she can be moved to a nearby senior living facility that's affordable. We have county-subsidized apartments for seniors nearby that are only $600/month.

I think your best option is to consult with her favorite child and see what he'd like to do. Either he can take her in, or she can be moved close to him.
At this point in time, she can't even afford $600 a month, she got herself into credit card debt, I was hoping that she was taking the opportunity living with us, to take her extra money and apply it to her debt but since she doesn't share her finances with me, I don't know what she is doing. I know there is not a judge in the land that would declare her unable to care for herself. My husband thinks she is playing me and trying to keep me feeling sorry for her, so she can control me. He is probably right. I don't see this ending well for anyone.
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Old 02-09-2016, 08:31 AM
 
Location: Leaving fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada
3,859 posts, read 6,869,991 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
My mother has tried counseling several times in the past yet there has never been any change.

My husband says the same thing as you, why shouldn't she be with her favorite.
Maybe she should at least go on a long visit. My mom visited my brother this summer and it helped me tremendously. If she can travel, she should go, for your peace of mind and your family's sake.
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Old 02-09-2016, 09:02 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,153,987 times
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Originally Posted by photobuff42 View Post
Maybe she should at least go on a long visit. My mom visited my brother this summer and it helped me tremendously. If she can travel, she should go, for your peace of mind and your family's sake.
My husband and I have talked about that, geez right now I would even pay for that one way ticket. LOL
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Old 02-09-2016, 09:18 AM
 
Location: Canada
5,753 posts, read 4,165,476 times
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Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
My husband and I have talked about that, geez right now I would even pay for that one way ticket. LOL

Then DO it for yourself and your family. It would be money well spent.

You are VERY lucky your husband is so supportive, but your whole family needs a break. Tell her favorite that you ARE going to book her a plane ticket and ask him what MONTH (or two) would be best for him. Don't ask him, tell him and don't let him back out of it. He needs to share the burden.

I feel so very sorry for you. Life isn't easy dealing with parents sometimes, and it sounds like you are heading for a crisis if you don't get a break soon.
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