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Old 02-16-2016, 10:46 PM
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,774,658 times
Reputation: 20540


Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Here's how it would go--

On phone at least half a day--if lucky--to get an appointment, probably first with PCP

First apt available is in 2 weeks, told if can't wait, go to ER

Go to PCP, sit there at least 1.5--2 hours in waiting room. Then, to exam room where you get the latest style in paperware to wear

In comes little "play nurse" who keeps acting bewildered (because she probably is)

About 30--45 min later, in comes PCP who is either openly hostile or overly "nice" either way, you can see he hasn't a clue why you're really there---nor why he is

PCP leaves, another half hour of wearing paper, then, they send you for an x-ray, which is usually in another building. Get dressed, leave, drive over to x-ray, repeat about procedure, including paperware

Or, may have to make apt for another day if already late in the day

Schedule apt for pcp to review x-rays

Go to PCP, sit there again, repeat of 1st time

PCP finally wanders in, wonders WTH you are there, then, says x-rays haven't been sent

wait while x-rays are sent over

finally get dx---slight tailbone fracture, just avoid sitting too much, take Motrin, apply heat/ice

come back in 6 months

This is exactly what I went through when I had a similar injury several years ago. I doubt things have improved much.

You could save much time, money, and frustration by just keeping Motrin on hand......I've learned if I don't need an ambulance to get there, I don't need to be there to begin with
This was not my experience at all when I broke my tailbone. I saw my primary care doctor the next day. I was at a radiologist within 2 days and had numerous x-rays done. Went back a few days later for more x-rays. X-rays were read immediately by the radiologist. I saw how it was broken and moved days before my primary saw the x-rays.

I didn't wait 2 hours at any doctor's office. I was also given muscle relaxers because of the damage done to my back.

My healing was over 18 months. My tailbone never did go back into place. As the muscles healed, it pulled the bone so it no longer curls under. If I fall again, I could shatter it and several other lower vertebrae. Breaking ones tailbone isn't always a minor deal. It's a freaking painful one! That's for sure.
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Old 02-17-2016, 09:22 AM
576 posts, read 854,198 times
Reputation: 542
Mil has been told that if it doesn't get better, let us know, we'll need to be sure she's seen. That's the last thing she wants is to be dragged off to a doctor's office.

She can't take NSAIDS and so she is limited as to what she can take as to pain relief, and I can only imagine if this mil of mine were given muscle relaxers. She can barely get from point A to B, on a good day. That would probably be disastrous for her.

We'll have to give it a bit and see how she's doing. Hopefully with the Tylenol and the heating pad, .. she can mend some.
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Old 02-17-2016, 09:33 AM
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,686 posts, read 4,719,031 times
Reputation: 28145
Originally Posted by nnyl View Post
That's the last thing she wants is to be dragged off to a doctor's office.
Is there an advice nurse available she can speak to by phone?
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Old 02-17-2016, 12:35 PM
576 posts, read 854,198 times
Reputation: 542
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
Is there an advice nurse available she can speak to by phone?
When we were there last night to provide the apparatus for the toilet, so that she can raise up off the toilet easier, .. we got a heating pad set up for her.

She knows that if she needs further assistance, .. or a doctor appt, she can call us. If she feels the need to consult with medical professionals on the issue, she can do so, or .. she can let us know and we'll see about helping her with that.

I'm trying to do what I can to sort of back up some out of this.

Our daughter was there today to clean for her, and sounds like they went out to lunch and then took some bread outside and fed the birds and sat outside for a little while (beautiful day here). So, .. it sounds like she isn't in too much pain at this point. Thankfully.
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Old 02-17-2016, 01:21 PM
17,002 posts, read 20,690,362 times
Reputation: 33993
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
Actually, I don't think anyone has sitting around with a suitcase packed ready to go. Quite the opposite. In fact, I said the exact opposite very early on in this thread. Try to keep up instead of making up things.

You do realize there are other people in the world besides my own parents, right? I do have other family members and my husband does as well.

And who said the daughter could stay with her bi-polar dad? The OP did not.

This is what you said Just because you, the lady down the street, or your friend Steve can go away for a month doesn't mean everyone can. Most people have responsibilities in their lives and things to take care of so they can't disappear for a month.

You have many times mentioned your horrible childhood, and that you have no intention of ever helping your rotten mother.

Totally understandable.

But yet you come on here and taunt people who do help their parents.

You attacked me and others and said maybe you have nothing better to do, when that was far from the case.

My situation involved taking a leave of absence from work and flying across the country.

I explained my situation, and anyone with a little class would have apologized.

When someone is asking for advice when they're the primary caregiver, you ask who else in the family can step in. When the OP mentioned the SIL not being able or wanting to leave her husband alone I asked "are there any adult children that could stay with him".

You don't do or haven't done caregiving, which makes one wonder why you're even on this topic.

It seems only to tell people how you won't do it....we got that.
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Old 03-11-2016, 09:26 AM
66 posts, read 36,022 times
Reputation: 218
1. Get a Drop Box (or other list app) and have SIL add things to it, and tell her to never, ever call or text you about that stuff. You'll get to it when you can. If she can't respect that, block her number.

2. Make a schedule and announce that these are the who, what, and when of what your family will be doing from now on. I would require a cleaning service, and if MIL doesn't allow it, fine, her house doesn't get cleaned. I would make a meal plan that keeps her reasonably fed. I would have someone take her out 2x per week, on a pre-arranged basis. I would have someone sit for her showers 2x per week, and get her microwavable washclothes for the rest of the week. I would also arrange dinner at grandma's 1x per week for dinner and cards ONLY. Pure social time (keep the food simple, simple, so that this is something you can enjoy and not a burden).

3. Hand maintaining the home over to SIL's responsibility. Give her a list of handyman services and tell her you aren't taking care of MIL's house anymore. She can use the people you've given her or find her own, or just let the house deteriorate, you don't really care, it's not like you're inheriting the house anyway. She's not to call or text you about repair issues unless it's a true emergency (a drip is not an emergency).

4. Give her a list of items she is responsible for ordering for MIL. Tell her you don't care about shipping costs, because you're done bearing them through your own gas and labor. If she chooses not to order those items, fine, but MIL will do without.

5. I would direct MIL to call SIL with all needs, first. SIL can decide whether to put them on the app or call you immediately.

No, people aren't going to love you for this, but that's just too bad. You have to put on your big girl panties and decide whether to allow yourselves to be run ragged or whether to make people unhappy. Either way, you are making a choice.
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Old 03-11-2016, 10:14 AM
Location: Wonderland
44,884 posts, read 36,220,301 times
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Originally Posted by nnyl View Post
I think she could benefit from the following:

1. A housekeeper, possibly every-other-week
2. Meals-On-Wheels, 2 or 3 x's weekly
3. A Home Health Aide to help with hygiene and med management, socialization

She will not allow any of the above. Son and family see to the above by visiting 3, 4 and 5 x's weekly.
I answered this before I realized that there were 16 pages of discussion about it - LOL. I'll try to catch up but so far here's my take:

As long as your brother is enabling her not to have the above help, there's not much you can do.

But my question is this - have you offered to pay for a housekeeper and Meals On Wheels? What about other costs? If you can't be there, then surely you can offer financial assistance on a regular basis. Your brother does not have to bring her meals or stay with her while she bathes -there are programs for that sort of assistance. He doesn't have to clean her house either. He is choosing to do so. Your mother will not take advantage of the social programs or outside help as long as your brother is enabling her not to do so.

OK now I've read more.

Your job is to help your husband research available options to help your MIL - outside of your immediate family. Tell your husband that as long as those options aren't being utilized or even seriously considered, you're not going to do those jobs as well as the myriad of other unpleasant necessities (such as taking her to the doctor or whatever).

You are not a CNA. You are not a doctor. You are not a physical therapist. You are not a nutritionist. You are not a maid. You are not a financial advisor. There are professionals out there with these jobs - and they're paid to do this work. And they will do a better job at these tasks than you or your husband will.

You are a daughter in law. Daughters in law call their MILs and are sweet and cheerful. They visit occasionally and are sweet and cheerful. They bring little thoughtful gifts to their MILs. They make them a cup of tea. They straighten their pillows. The rest - leave it to the professionals or to the MILs children. Maybe they will rise to the occasion, but why should they when you're not allowing them to do so?

Just think about it for a minute. Good luck. Keep us posted!

Last edited by KathrynAragon; 03-11-2016 at 10:30 AM..
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Old 03-12-2016, 05:26 AM
6,484 posts, read 3,082,388 times
Reputation: 5955
Your husband and his sister need to be told the current situation is no longer safe for their mother. That means either paid caregivers, moving in with one of them or some kind of facility. Once the three of you agree, the decision or choices need to be presented to their mother by them as a team.

In the meantime, you need to stop letting your MIL direct the care you are providing because it sounds horribly inefficient.

Make it your H job to always keep money in the house or her wallet.

Order all the PetSmart stuff online.......make that SIL job to keep track of that and keep the dog well supplied.

Get a months worth of non-perishable and frozen food at a time. Find a smaller store that can serve as an outing for MIL but will take less time to navigate around the perimeter to get fresh food.

Likewise with meals. Do large batch cooking. Maybe your girls can help either with shopping or cooking with you. Big pot of stew or soup or a casserole that can be divided up. Meals for MIL, you when you don't feel like cooking, and your daughters. Let your H deliver it. Or have him go get MIL for a meal at your house as one of her social outings and then pkg up and he can take the rest with her when he takes her home.

For cripes sake, tell him to tell his mother he's hiring a maid so you and his daughter don't have to clean the house. Daughter that's cleaning now can go visit while the maid is there. BTW 4 hours every week sounds nuts to me for a house one elderly woman is living in. If there are rooms she doesn't go in like xtra baths bedrooms or formal LR/DR clean them every other week. You can do the same once a maid is hired and save some money every other time they come. The daughter could come before the maid and let her grandmother get a shower in. Then she could throw the laundry in or do whatever minor things need doing and spend the rest of the time visiting or sharing a meal with her grandmother. For sure it will not take a professional 4 hours to clean an average suburban home.

Good luck.
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Old 03-12-2016, 06:30 AM
576 posts, read 854,198 times
Reputation: 542
Right now, things are buttoned up, .. but I realize that's only temporary. Sil is here, and hopefully staying for a bit to help out. Interestingly enough, mil caught a stomach bug, which has rendered her completely incapable of getting around sans the use of her walker, 24/7, and even then it's dicey at best. Sil is there, helping her, and nursing her back to health. Had she not been here, I suppose, it would've been me, having to move in over there, to help her along.

Sil has expressed that she now sees how diminished mil's capabilities are, as she ages and weakens. She has said, "I wish she would go back with me, I'm retired, I have time to help her, .. but it's so hard when I live so far away .. and can't get here as often as I'd need to be".

I said to her, "you may have to come to the realization that she simply doesn't have a say-so anymore, .. we've let her live alone, her wishes, all these years, and with the realization that the day may come when she is too dimished to care for herself .. and that may be the outcome, this may be that time".

The response was, "She's so stubborn, she just will not agree to go back with me, when I return home, she just won't do it".

I said in response to that, "what we do in the event, she gets this sick again, and you aren't here, or if she falls .... she's getting so weak anymore that it's difficult for her to adequately care for herself".

The response was, "I don't know what we're gonna do".

Right now, sil has it buttoned down. Only temporary as I said.

Mil is of completely sound mind, .. so getting some kind of custodial order, would be near impossible, in the attempt to route her residence in another location. Her body, however, is a whole other story. So, she is of sound enough mind to refuse to go elsewhere, wants to remain in her own home. But her body,... whether she's capable of caring for herself, .. that, I question. I raise that issue, countless times to H and to sil, .. and the answers are always as you see above.

As I said before, in previous posts, I'm pulling back some, .. and will do what I can, limiting that .. and if the situation creates a crack in the whole surface, because there isn't enough care, between our daughters, and me, and husband, and what we can do, .. then H and sil will have to, at that point, make some tough decisions. Decisions I'm asking them to look at and address presently, and they both seem unwilling.

What I think, (but I can only think it, speak it, which I've done) is that the both of them need to get on the same page and demand, .. they don't have to be mean about it, .. but they need to both demand, that this is what is going to happen, and that is ... she is going to return with sil to her residence, where sil can adequately assist her. I know it won't make mil happy, she wants to remain in her own home. But it's what I think needs to happen. Thus far, neither are willing/ready to do so.

Thus my assertion that I'm stepping back. She will get a portion (mil will) of one day .. absent an emergency, a true emergency, such as an acute health issue). H can do what he does, and the daughters what they do. If that doesn't suffice, I will return to the same rote response, "What are you guys going to do?, .. she needs to be living where she has round the clock care, she can't afford that, .. doesn't have the financial resources .. and so what's your next step H and sil?".

It's all I can do.
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Old 03-12-2016, 07:26 AM
Location: Wonderland
44,884 posts, read 36,220,301 times
Reputation: 63553
The thing that drives me so crazy about elderly people who insist on denying the reality of their limitations and needs force their loved ones to live in totally reactive mode, just waiting for the next shoe to drop - the next crisis to come around. And crises never are convenient.

For example, their personal papers such as POAs, decisions about who is going to help them with their finances, their property, etc. Right now, even though my dad has known that my mom is mentally incapable of making sound decisions, she is his POA and he is hers. That's because that's the way it's supposed to be with a husband and wife and they've had it like that for decades. Well, that was fine when it was pertinent, but now he needs to change this and select another person as POA in case he needs it. Otherwise, if he's incapacitated suddenly, which can happen quickly, not only does his family (my brother and me) have to deal with his incapacity and the issues it causes, we would have to deal with my mother and would have to get my mother declared incompetent in order to take charge of my dad's affairs. That's an extra level of drama that is totally unnecessary. All my dad needs to do now is call his attorney and have him void the old POA and get him a new one. That's it. My mother doesn't even have to know. $120, which he has. But what seems like common sense to me is just another reality that he is having difficulty grasping.

Not to make this about me. My point is that if they were really in their right minds, they would realize the effect their denial of the stress of the situation has on the people they love and who love them. I'm talking about people who up to this point have led productive, sane lives, who wouldn't have dreamed of creating this sort of havoc in the lives of others ten or twenty years ago. It's like they simply can't see it. They are so intent on "being independent" that they simply can't see that it is taking inordinate amounts of time, money, and effort from several different people to help them be "independent." When this happens, it tends to wreak havoc in the other peoples' lives for years and the elderly person doesn't seem to see this. I don't think it's that they don't CARE - I think it must be because they truly don't realize the effect it's having on others.
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