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Old 02-12-2016, 07:16 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,282 posts, read 17,596,925 times
Reputation: 42210

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Meals on Wheels has been mentioned many times here, but do any of you know what you're talking about? Or is it just something that sounds good?


MOW has income limits. If you're over a certain income, you don't qualify. And you can't pay for it if you're over the limit. I know, I tried to obtain their services for my parents at different times, that's what I was told.


As one who has been given a ton of "advice" over the years, I am sick of advice from people who haven't the faintest idea WTH they're talking about. There is no "grand solution" out there that people don't utilize simply because they are too stupid, lazy, or uninformed to access. It seems the less one knows WTH they're talking about, the more insistent they are you're going to follow their "suggestions".
I think that when people say "Meals on Wheels" they mean general food delivery programs not necessarily a specific program. In my community there are a number of programs that deliver to seniors and some have income requirements and some do not.


There are also numerous restaurants that have delivery services, everything from Chinese food, to sandwiches, to neighborhood "family restaurants", to pizza, to everything in between. I have known families that have arranged for regular food delivery for elderly relatives, new mothers and people recovering from injuries. Yes, they had to pay full price for it, but it was a way to make sure that their relative or friend had a certain number of hot meals every week.
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Old 02-12-2016, 07:22 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,282 posts, read 17,596,925 times
Reputation: 42210
Quote:
Originally Posted by wannagonorth View Post
Oh boy do I know this story!

My mother does the same bootstrapping maneuver. Tries to take a mile every time you offer an inch. Offer to do one thing for her only to be faced with a whole list of other stuff that she needs before you go. Often a series of errands that stretch over a mealtime so you have to go out to eat with her as well. And it does take forever to escort a person with limited mobility in and out of the car, in and out of doorways and store aisles and elevators and whatnot. It's very taxing, I know.

A big part of the problem is that you all feel sorry for her so you won't say no. You have allowed MIL to dictate too much for too long. Your daughter should have just said to her "I can't go out for errands today. After your shower, I have to get home." And you should not have jumped in and tried to patch together a way for your MIL to get everything she asked for without your daughter having to sacrifice too much time. Your MIL has to learn to moderate her demands, and that won't happen unless all of you learn to manage her expectations.

I'm not suggesting you back out.
I'm suggesting you stay involved but learn how to say enough is enough. IMO, your MIL should not have a pet since she's not capable of taking care of the pet's needs, and it just puts extra strain on the helpers. Likewise, it's too bad if she doesn't want to give you a list but wants another outing to the store. Tell her she needs to provide a list if she wants to get the items on the list.
It seems to me you're looking for every possible solution to MIL's excessive demands other than just learning to set limits. But I think setting limits is what you need you to do.

It's sad when a person is old and frail and can't do for themselves, and can't get out when they want to. It's sad but you can't fix it for her, and your daughters can't fix it for her, and SIL can't fix it for her. She needs to accept the amount of help people are willing to give her, and stop trying to take that mile every time she gets an inch. That's won't happen as long as all of you are running around like headless chickens trying to figure out how to satisfy her every wish and whim.
Excellent points.
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Old 02-12-2016, 07:48 PM
 
576 posts, read 857,350 times
Reputation: 542
I appreciate all the wonderful feedback, and it's so helpful to know that others have walked this road or seen it in others.

Feels less isolating.

I am going to have to, within myself, determine not to be running 2 and 3 x's weekly, so as to not feel as "put upon". I will go once a week, and each of my two daughters does the same, as well as my husband (her son). That's a visit, 4 x's weekly from at least one of us. Prior to now, it has been sometimes 2 per day, depending on who is going and for what reason.

I'm going to have to resolve within myself, that I won't go more than 1 x weekly. I will send food, via whomever is going in that direction for the issue they deal with normally. But running over there 2 and 3 x's weekly is wearing me out and making me resentful.

I think part of the problem is that sil talks to her mother 2 and 3 x's daily, to ck on her. Admirable. However, .. mil then runs down the litany of what needs to be seen to. For instance, there are two garbage cans out back by her shed, and they are filled with yard debris, collected by me. There had been a windstorm, and it blew yard debris from the trees (limbs, etc.) all over her yard, it was unsightly. I walked around and gathered said debris and placed it in two garbage cans out by her shed.

One can't dispose of said yard debris except on the designated day of pickup by the refuse company. One can't even go set it out on the curb for pickup, a few days ahead, (neighborhood covenants prohibit same). Thus those two cans sit, out by her shed, waiting for someone who is able/willing, to drag it to the street on the designated day that the refuse company will pick it up, not a moment sooner.

Those cans of sticks, are bothering her. And sil tells me this, probably at least once a day. "If one of you could make it a point to get out there on Monday, so you can get those cans of sticks out to the street for her, she's tired of looking at them".

Well don't look!

They are cans of sticks, .. yard debris, it's not hurting anyone. It's not set right smack in the middle of the front yard where it is unsightly, it's in the b'yard out by the shed, to the side. So don't look. We will get to it.

My husband had gone out to change out her flood light, .. outside. When he got there with the flood light, to do so, .. he found the housing is all broken, and needs replacement. He will get back out there, at some point to replace that, but til then, she will have two deal with the 1 flood light that works, rather than the two she should have. But that too, .. sil ..."I know so and so is busy, but hopefully he hasn't forgotten that flood light needs to be fixed".

Hubby is aware, and it's on his radar, and he will get there, WHEN he can. That is the typical response. Then there is typically another text, the next day, same thing. Worded a little differently.

So she talks to her mother, several times a day, and whatever the issue du jour is, .. that gets run up my flagpole. "She seems to have an upset stomach, I wonder if she has any Immodium, .. do you think you could ck with her, and maybe get her some?, she may need some ginger ale, or crackers or something, I bet she doesn't have that kinda thing there, do you think you might have some time to run those things out to her?".

So I'm just going to have to make it a point to answer to sil, "I will see her next Tuesday, so and so will see her tomorrow to go clean for her, maybe she can pick it up for her, text her and ask if you'd like ", or whatever day it is I deem that works for me.
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Old 02-12-2016, 08:10 PM
 
293 posts, read 441,170 times
Reputation: 1319
Quote:
Originally Posted by nnyl View Post
I'm going to have to resolve within myself, that I won't go more than 1 x weekly. I will send food, via whomever is going in that direction for the issue they deal with normally. But running over there 2 and 3 x's weekly is wearing me out and making me resentful.

I think part of the problem is that sil talks to her mother 2 and 3 x's daily, to ck on her. Admirable. However, .. mil then runs down the litany of what needs to be seen to. For instance, there are two garbage cans out back by her shed, and they are filled with yard debris, collected by me. There had been a windstorm, and it blew yard debris from the trees (limbs, etc.) all over her yard, it was unsightly. I walked around and gathered said debris and placed it in two garbage cans out by her shed.

One can't dispose of said yard debris except on the designated day of pickup by the refuse company. One can't even go set it out on the curb for pickup, a few days ahead, (neighborhood covenants prohibit same). Thus those two cans sit, out by her shed, waiting for someone who is able/willing, to drag it to the street on the designated day that the refuse company will pick it up, not a moment sooner.

Those cans of sticks, are bothering her. And sil tells me this, probably at least once a day. "If one of you could make it a point to get out there on Monday, so you can get those cans of sticks out to the street for her, she's tired of looking at them".

Well don't look!

They are cans of sticks, .. yard debris, it's not hurting anyone. It's not set right smack in the middle of the front yard where it is unsightly, it's in the b'yard out by the shed, to the side. So don't look. We will get to it.

My husband had gone out to change out her flood light, .. outside. When he got there with the flood light, to do so, .. he found the housing is all broken, and needs replacement. He will get back out there, at some point to replace that, but til then, she will have two deal with the 1 flood light that works, rather than the two she should have. But that too, .. sil ..."I know so and so is busy, but hopefully he hasn't forgotten that flood light needs to be fixed".

Hubby is aware, and it's on his radar, and he will get there, WHEN he can. That is the typical response. Then there is typically another text, the next day, same thing. Worded a little differently.

So she talks to her mother, several times a day, and whatever the issue du jour is, .. that gets run up my flagpole. "She seems to have an upset stomach, I wonder if she has any Immodium, .. do you think you could ck with her, and maybe get her some?, she may need some ginger ale, or crackers or something, I bet she doesn't have that kinda thing there, do you think you might have some time to run those things out to her?".

So I'm just going to have to make it a point to answer to sil, "I will see her next Tuesday, so and so will see her tomorrow to go clean for her, maybe she can pick it up for her, text her and ask if you'd like ", or whatever day it is I deem that works for me.
Many elderly people are like your MIL in that way. They can't stand for anything to be out of place, anything to be unattended to, and they will nag and badger someone until it gets done. It's like they have nothing else to focus on and they fixate on whatever needs to be done, like the cans of sticks in your MIL's case. You really do have to put the brakes on them sometimes, because otherwise they'll run you ragged with ever little thing that crosses their mind.

It sounds like your SIL is aiding and abetting your MIL in this, though. Maybe MIL is urging her to bring all these little issues to your family's attention so she feels she has to, or maybe she feels helpless being so far away and tries to "help out" by managing the local people. It's clearly not helping, though. You don't need someone to nag you from 1,000 miles away. It seems like you either need to tune her out or put your foot down with her as well. Maybe you need to reinforce with her that emergencies will get attended to immediately, but every little annoyance or inconvenience will get dealt with if and when it's convenient for one of the local helpers to attend to it.
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Old 02-12-2016, 08:13 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,282 posts, read 17,596,925 times
Reputation: 42210
Quote:
Originally Posted by nnyl View Post
I appreciate all the wonderful feedback, and it's so helpful to know that others have walked this road or seen it in others.

Feels less isolating.

I am going to have to, within myself, determine not to be running 2 and 3 x's weekly, so as to not feel as "put upon". I will go once a week, and each of my two daughters does the same, as well as my husband (her son). That's a visit, 4 x's weekly from at least one of us. Prior to now, it has been sometimes 2 per day, depending on who is going and for what reason.

I'm going to have to resolve within myself, that I won't go more than 1 x weekly. I will send food, via whomever is going in that direction for the issue they deal with normally. But running over there 2 and 3 x's weekly is wearing me out and making me resentful.

I think part of the problem is that sil talks to her mother 2 and 3 x's daily, to ck on her. Admirable. However, .. mil then runs down the litany of what needs to be seen to. For instance, there are two garbage cans out back by her shed, and they are filled with yard debris, collected by me. There had been a windstorm, and it blew yard debris from the trees (limbs, etc.) all over her yard, it was unsightly. I walked around and gathered said debris and placed it in two garbage cans out by her shed.

One can't dispose of said yard debris except on the designated day of pickup by the refuse company. One can't even go set it out on the curb for pickup, a few days ahead, (neighborhood covenants prohibit same). Thus those two cans sit, out by her shed, waiting for someone who is able/willing, to drag it to the street on the designated day that the refuse company will pick it up, not a moment sooner.

Those cans of sticks, are bothering her. And sil tells me this, probably at least once a day. "If one of you could make it a point to get out there on Monday, so you can get those cans of sticks out to the street for her, she's tired of looking at them".

Well don't look!

They are cans of sticks, .. yard debris, it's not hurting anyone. It's not set right smack in the middle of the front yard where it is unsightly, it's in the b'yard out by the shed, to the side. So don't look. We will get to it.

My husband had gone out to change out her flood light, .. outside. When he got there with the flood light, to do so, .. he found the housing is all broken, and needs replacement. He will get back out there, at some point to replace that, but til then, she will have two deal with the 1 flood light that works, rather than the two she should have. But that too, .. sil ..."I know so and so is busy, but hopefully he hasn't forgotten that flood light needs to be fixed".

Hubby is aware, and it's on his radar, and he will get there, WHEN he can. That is the typical response. Then there is typically another text, the next day, same thing. Worded a little differently.

So she talks to her mother, several times a day, and whatever the issue du jour is, .. that gets run up my flagpole. "She seems to have an upset stomach, I wonder if she has any Immodium, .. do you think you could ck with her, and maybe get her some?, she may need some ginger ale, or crackers or something, I bet she doesn't have that kinda thing there, do you think you might have some time to run those things out to her?".

So I'm just going to have to make it a point to answer to sil, "I will see her next Tuesday, so and so will see her tomorrow to go clean for her, maybe she can pick it up for her, text her and ask if you'd like ", or whatever day it is I deem that works for me.
Perhaps, you can handle SIL reminding and reminding and reminding you of things like the trash & lights with a "broken record statement".


Something like, "Thank you for telling me, I will put it in the list for Tuesday".
and when she tells you again say "I already put it on the list. You do not need to tell me again"
and if she tells you again say more firmly, "I already put it on the list. You do not need to tell me again"

And when she reminds you about something else, just follow the same format.

I know that something like that would really, really annoy most people.

Is there any way that you can limit the calls or texts from SIL? Or only respond to her once a day? Or something like that?
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Old 02-12-2016, 08:23 PM
 
576 posts, read 857,350 times
Reputation: 542
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Perhaps, you can handle SIL reminding and reminding and reminding you of things like the trash & lights with a "broken record statement".


Something like, "Thank you for telling me, I will put it in the list for Tuesday".
and when she tells you again say "I already put it on the list. You do not need to tell me again"
and if she tells you again say more firmly, "I already put it on the list. You do not need to tell me again"

And when she reminds you about something else, just follow the same format.

I know that something like that would really, really annoy most people.

Is there any way that you can limit the calls or texts from SIL? Or only respond to her once a day? Or something like that?




On the first point, I like that. "thank you for teling me, I'll put it on the list", and leave it at that. And the repeated reminders, "I have that on the list, yes will ck on it", and leave it at that.

And lastly, .. is there any way that I can vow to not answer to every text? If I don't answer, she typically will give it a while, but she will call eventually. Yes, but there's no reason I have to answer every text, every phone call.
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Old 02-12-2016, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,872 posts, read 13,637,952 times
Reputation: 29036
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Perhaps, you can handle SIL reminding and reminding and reminding you of things like the trash & lights with a "broken record statement".


Something like, "Thank you for telling me, I will put it in the list for Tuesday".
and when she tells you again say "I already put it on the list. You do not need to tell me again"
and if she tells you again say more firmly, "I already put it on the list. You do not need to tell me again"

And when she reminds you about something else, just follow the same format.

I know that something like that would really, really annoy most people.

Is there any way that you can limit the calls or texts from SIL? Or only respond to her once a day? Or something like that?
Or how about just stop reading her texts and answering her calls other than one day a week. I don't mean simply not responding to them. I mean DO NOT ENGAGE six days a week. You can start by saying, "My daughter and I are run ragged by MIL and we are implementing a schedule for her needs. I'll only be able to take texts and calls on Sunday, so save up your comments til then please."

Of course she won't, but just delete without reading or let the phone go to a machine. Eventually she'll get the message. She won't like it but since she's 1,000 miles away; what's she going to do about it?
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Old 02-12-2016, 09:34 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,282 posts, read 17,596,925 times
Reputation: 42210
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl View Post
Or how about just stop reading her texts and answering her calls other than one day a week. I don't mean simply not responding to them. I mean DO NOT ENGAGE six days a week. You can start by saying, "My daughter and I are run ragged by MIL and we are implementing a schedule for her needs. I'll only be able to take texts and calls on Sunday, so save up your comments til then please."

Of course she won't, but just delete without reading or let the phone go to a machine. Eventually she'll get the message. She won't like it but since she's 1,000 miles away; what's she going to do about it?

Great advice!


I can't believe that I did not think of this and suggest it to you. It is the perfect advice for your situation.
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Old 02-12-2016, 09:55 PM
 
Location: Stephenville, Texas
960 posts, read 1,456,119 times
Reputation: 1902
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Meals on Wheels has been mentioned many times here, but do any of you know what you're talking about? Or is it just something that sounds good?


MOW has income limits. If you're over a certain income, you don't qualify. And you can't pay for it if you're over the limit. I know, I tried to obtain their services for my parents at different times, that's what I was told.


As one who has been given a ton of "advice" over the years, I am sick of advice from people who haven't the faintest idea WTH they're talking about. There is no "grand solution" out there that people don't utilize simply because they are too stupid, lazy, or uninformed to access. It seems the less one knows WTH they're talking about, the more insistent they are you're going to follow their "suggestions".
There were no income limits when MOW came to interview my mom. They didn't ask anything about income. They asked if she was on Medicare, which of course she is. But I realize it may vary from location to location. My dad (who has since passed) was in a Nursing Home at the time and I am a live-in caregiver for my mom.

I don't know what all they look at in making their decision, and I had doubts whether my mom would qualify. But she did and it is a wonderful service. She gets a meal delivered Monday through Friday. They don't even come in, it just gets dropped off at the door and I warm it (if needed) and serve her.
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Old 02-13-2016, 12:36 AM
 
6,973 posts, read 7,387,039 times
Reputation: 9914
Quote:
I think that when people say "Meals on Wheels" they mean general food delivery programs not necessarily a specific program.
Your'e so kind. I'm with MaryLee. I think they are referring to the Meals on Wheels program, and don't know what it entails to qualify. They just throw out the suggestion "try meals on wheels, try meals on wheels." Which is fine. Sometimes it can be a piece of a puzzle to meet someone's needs. But I'd bet most people do not know how tactually works. Not to mention if people meal a meal delivery service…then that's what they out to say….a meal delivery service. (Also, in our case there was a qualifying income limit.}
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