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Old 02-13-2016, 02:08 AM
 
7,984 posts, read 3,474,005 times
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Sounds like she's ready for an assisted living facility. I had to put my mom in one and she liked it once she got used to it. They take very good care and have meals and snacks and activities for her. Just a thought....
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Old 02-13-2016, 03:22 AM
 
576 posts, read 854,463 times
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In answer to the MOW's program. Sil had it set up, they were to come and talk with mil, and I guess, do an assessment of sorts (income, need, ...???....not sure). Mil cancelled it, and said she doesn't want any one coming to her door. She won't hear of it.

I don't know that I could simply state to sil "I will take texts/calls on Sunday", for instance. She's so far away and I'm sure, worried incessantly about her mother. I'm sure it's helpful to her, to keep a finger on the pulse of the goings on here locally.

Sil is a very good person, very kind and caring and thoughtful, albeit a bit of a worry wart, no change that to a huge worry wart. And like I've described her before, when she does come here, it's a whirlwind of getting things done, she sits, I think, only when she goes to bed and sleeps at night.

...........and then she's gone again for 3 or 4 months.

As to an assisted living facility, she would never entertain the notion. She doesn't have the financial resources for same, but she wouldn't go there, even if she could, "those people are so old and decrepit". Uhm, .. have you looked at your situation lately?

The plan, way back when, was that sil would eventually retire, sell her home, and move this way. She didn't, at one time, wish to remain up north, shoveling snow, and so forth, we live in the south, it doesn't snow here. That went by the wayside, not sure why, other than sil's husband has many medical needs and his medical professionals he deals with in the location where they reside, and setting all that up in a new location, would be near impossible. So, it was stated that sil would come here, when she retires, and spend a few months at a time, residing with mil, .. and vice versa. That too, went by the wayside, when it became evident, that mil has a problem being around sil's husband for any length of time.

Could we/should we, move her in with us, should that become the need. We can. But our house isn't as "elderly" friendly, being there are steps everywhere. Our house is a hub of activity that she likely wouldn't like as much. My toddler g'daughter is here, almost daily with/without her mom present, and toddlers leave toys everywhere, which are trip hazards of course, for elderly. It's not ideal, but it would have to suffice, I suppose.

I am going to just, as I said before, resolve to go there 1 x weekly, outside of emergencies that might arise. That's it. Anything else, will be dealt with as those that are going, come and go, and/or it can wait.

I think, the fact that she has 4 visits a week, between all of us, is likely more than should be required. The problem also lies in, as was said before, she wants whoever has come to deal with whatever the chore is,... to sit and visit. Sometimes that can happen, depending on that person's personal schedule, sometimes it can't. I'm going to work on myself at this point, and my own resolve, to stop feeling so bad, that her situation is what it is, and doing less than has been the case previously.

I think it's the only way that I can, at least for now, maintain my own sanity in it all. Apparently her son (my husband) and her daughter (my sil) aren't concerned enough to act in any way, as far as my outcry that we need outside help in this situation. They sort of, I would term it, push my outcries on it all, to the periphery and never really address and/or deal with it. So if they aren't concerned enough to act, then I will lessen how much I interact with the whole situation.
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Old 02-13-2016, 06:23 AM
 
293 posts, read 438,693 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Perhaps, you can handle SIL reminding and reminding and reminding you of things like the trash & lights with a "broken record statement".

Something like, "Thank you for telling me, I will put it in the list for Tuesday".
and when she tells you again say "I already put it on the list. You do not need to tell me again"
and if she tells you again say more firmly, "I already put it on the list. You do not need to tell me again"

And when she reminds you about something else, just follow the same format.

I know that something like that would really, really annoy most people.

Is there any way that you can limit the calls or texts from SIL? Or only respond to her once a day? Or something like that?
I second the fact that it's annoying, and I life the suggestion of "I'll put it on my list for date/time".

I don't have an "assistant nagger" in my life, but what I say to the nagger-in-chief (my mother) is "It's on my list." If she says "It's on your list for WHEN?" I say "For when I get to it." I try to give her a date and time approximate if I can; otherwise no.
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Old 02-13-2016, 07:04 AM
 
576 posts, read 854,463 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wannagonorth View Post
I second the fact that it's annoying, and I life the suggestion of "I'll put it on my list for date/time".

I don't have an "assistant nagger" in my life, but what I say to the nagger-in-chief (my mother) is "It's on my list." If she says "It's on your list for WHEN?" I say "For when I get to it." I try to give her a date and time approximate if I can; otherwise no.
I think about the times that something like that gets nagged at, and badgered at.

For instance, recently there had been a windstorm, and it blew open and broke, what was already a pretty dilapidated fence/gate. There was no jury-rigging it at that point, it was going to have to be replaced.

My husband went out and secured it, as best he could, til he could set aside some time, to go dig up and dispose of what was there and replace it. He did rig it temporarily at least, so that the dog wouldn't be able to escape the back yard, which was the main concern (mil certainly is not able to run after the dog if it escapes). So hubby had secured it, at least. But then for days and days, until hubby could get back out there to replace it, that's all we heard. From mil, as well as sil. That gate/fence really has got to be replaced, do you think he could go to H Depot, go get her, .. and take her to H Depot to price it .. maybe they can just go ahead and get it done for her.

The answer, "He doesn't want her to have to pay H Depot for something he's quite sure he can handle, for a lot less $, .. he'll get there just as soon as he can ... the gate is secured, nobody is gonna be coming in and out of it, .. the dog can't get out".

Then a return text would come, "she's concerned that her yard people are coming, and they won't be able to get into the b'yard with their big mower".

Return text by me, "They shouldn't be mowing this time of year, the grass is dormant, it's cold, ... if it has to wait a week or two for them to get back there, it won't be any big catastrophe".

Return text from sil: "you're probably right".

Then later that day, phone call from mil: "Did he say when he thinks he might be able to fix this gate/fence, I'm really concerned that the yard people are coming, .. and ......", same song and dance as above.

I would answer to it much as was answered above, all while reassuring that if need be, it's just rigged is all, .. it's closed and secured, but I"m sure the yard folks can see what he's done to secure it, and unsecure it if they feel they HAVE to get back there.

Response to that: "yes, but you worry, will they secure it back the way it was, I can't really get back there, and if I do, I don't know what to do with it, I really just need him to get here as quick as he can and get this fixed".

Response to that: "yes he's aware, it's on his list to do, you may need to just have the lawn crew, not go into the b'yard til that can be fixed".

Same thing would go on day after day, only worded a little differently. And always in dialogue with me. I don't fix fences, I don't know a thing about fixing fences, yet the dialogue would go on with me. I would defer, at times, "I don't know you'll have to talk to him, not sure what's on his agenda/schedule".

So a text would be forwarded to him. The beauty of his situation ... he owns his own biz, in the service/construction industry and so he is busy ... and occupied, and he can't be on a customer's time, .. standing there answering a text about a fence that's broken. So he, for the most part, ignored the repeated texts .. phone mssgs. But that then defers it back to me again, in further texts/phone calls as follows: "I texted him but he hasn't answered me, I'm sure he's busy, has he said anything about when he thinks he an get there ...".

You would have thought the yard was on fire, .. and he needs to get there right now, for all the hubbub created over this.

He did get there, within a week or so, and get it all done. But in that week or so's time .. you would have thought the world was going to come crashing down around all of us.

This, the above, is just one scenario that was recent. The above happens, ... when a light bulb goes out in the bathroom, the kitchen, .. (she has numerous lights in every room, .. maybe her kitchen table light has gone out, but she still has the overhead light in there, and the light over the stove, and the light over the KS. But if the light has gone out in any one of those locations, you would think she can't see, at all, to navigate around in there, .. and by Gosh, she's gonna fall, any second, because she's trying to work in there to fix a bowl of cereal and can't see.

If a sprinkler in the yard irrigation system goes haywire .. same as above. "But the sprayer it's only spraying one little spot, it's saturating that little spot, but the other part, where it should be rotating, it isn't doing it, and so that part of the yard is going to die, ..

On and on and on it goes, with every little thing.

Unless he can hop and run, at that very moment of notification (which is almost never) the repeated phone calls/texts, .. they go on and on and on and on, til he can get there. I am not exaggerating here.

And so the above plays out, all along with the, she now needs someone to be present, so she can bathe, she feels afraid she'll fall and she's there all alone. She needs help with groceries, it's just too daunting to go to the store alone (she does still drive, though I question that she should be doing so) .. it's too daunting for her, to go that alone. Those of us who don't have mobility issues, don't realize just how much walking there is to a trip to the grocery store, in and down all the aisles, and then out to the car, .. and then home, to unload all the groceries and put them away. It's a lot for someone with her mobility issues, almost too much I'd say.

Along with needing help to get to the pet store, to get to the hardware store, .. etc etc etc.

And don't even go there about cooking. She just isn't able to do so anymore. She can make herself, maybe a bowl of oatmeal, .. or a can of soup. But much more than that, ... she just can't do it anymore, doesn't have the stamina.

So the repeated phone calls/texts, yes .. the above about describes how that all plays out.
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Old 02-13-2016, 07:24 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,068 posts, read 17,395,218 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nnyl View Post
In answer to the MOW's program. Sil had it set up, they were to come and talk with mil, and I guess, do an assessment of sorts (income, need, ...???....not sure). Mil cancelled it, and said she doesn't want any one coming to her door. She won't hear of it.

I don't know that I could simply state to sil "I will take texts/calls on Sunday", for instance. She's so far away and I'm sure, worried incessantly about her mother. I'm sure it's helpful to her, to keep a finger on the pulse of the goings on here locally.

Sil is a very good person, very kind and caring and thoughtful, albeit a bit of a worry wart, no change that to a huge worry wart. And like I've described her before, when she does come here, it's a whirlwind of getting things done, she sits, I think, only when she goes to bed and sleeps at night.

...........and then she's gone again for 3 or 4 months.

As to an assisted living facility, she would never entertain the notion. She doesn't have the financial resources for same, but she wouldn't go there, even if she could, "those people are so old and decrepit". Uhm, .. have you looked at your situation lately?

The plan, way back when, was that sil would eventually retire, sell her home, and move this way. She didn't, at one time, wish to remain up north, shoveling snow, and so forth, we live in the south, it doesn't snow here. That went by the wayside, not sure why, other than sil's husband has many medical needs and his medical professionals he deals with in the location where they reside, and setting all that up in a new location, would be near impossible. So, it was stated that sil would come here, when she retires, and spend a few months at a time, residing with mil, .. and vice versa. That too, went by the wayside, when it became evident, that mil has a problem being around sil's husband for any length of time.

Could we/should we, move her in with us, should that become the need. We can. But our house isn't as "elderly" friendly, being there are steps everywhere. Our house is a hub of activity that she likely wouldn't like as much. My toddler g'daughter is here, almost daily with/without her mom present, and toddlers leave toys everywhere, which are trip hazards of course, for elderly. It's not ideal, but it would have to suffice, I suppose.

I am going to just, as I said before, resolve to go there 1 x weekly, outside of emergencies that might arise. That's it. Anything else, will be dealt with as those that are going, come and go, and/or it can wait.

I think, the fact that she has 4 visits a week, between all of us, is likely more than should be required. The problem also lies in, as was said before, she wants whoever has come to deal with whatever the chore is,... to sit and visit. Sometimes that can happen, depending on that person's personal schedule, sometimes it can't. I'm going to work on myself at this point, and my own resolve, to stop feeling so bad, that her situation is what it is, and doing less than has been the case previously.

I think it's the only way that I can, at least for now, maintain my own sanity in it all. Apparently her son (my husband) and her daughter (my sil) aren't concerned enough to act in any way, as far as my outcry that we need outside help in this situation. They sort of, I would term it, push my outcries on it all, to the periphery and never really address and/or deal with it. So if they aren't concerned enough to act, then I will lessen how much I interact with the whole situation.

I think that regularly scheduled visits does seem to be for the best. And, I would strongly recommend that that you save extra visits for true emergencies. When a close friend's mom moved into an assisted living program they also had a regular schedule for frequent visits but their mom had an "emergency" and wanted them to come almost every single day. Well, her emergencies ended up being things like she wanted her blue sweater to be taken to the dry cleaner, or she ran out of Corn Flakes (and only had Rice Krispies & Wheaties), or she dropped a pen under her bed or similar things that could easily wait a day or two. And, as long as the person was already there Mom wanted then to stay and play cards or share a meal or socialize.


Another tip that may work, especially for your daughters, is to give MIL a fixed time span. "Grandma, I need to leave by 7 PM. I have time to do the laundry and fix dinner for you or we can play cards and talk but we do not have time to do all those things" And, when it is 7 PM then daughter leaves. Otherwise, MIL will probably want her to do one more thing, and then one more thing. Look at it this way, if you hire someone to come in for four hours they will leave after four hours, so it is good to get your MIL used to prioritizing her needs and wants.


Good luck to you.
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Old 02-13-2016, 07:29 AM
 
Location: West Michigan
12,358 posts, read 7,755,529 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Great advice!


I can't believe that I did not think of this and suggest it to you. It is the perfect advice for your situation.
If it were me I'd suggest to my long-distance sister-in-law that she is free to hire a handyman who can take care of all the house and yard chores at your mother-in-law's house.----that's something she can do by phone and would be helpful. If she can't afford to do that then she needs to start helping your mother-in-law understand that she needs to be patient with those in the family who are are trying to provide hands-on-help. That is also something she can do by phone and would be helpful.
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Old 02-13-2016, 07:51 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,068 posts, read 17,395,218 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nnyl View Post
I think about the times that something like that gets nagged at, and badgered at.

For instance, recently there had been a windstorm, and it blew open and broke, what was already a pretty dilapidated fence/gate. There was no jury-rigging it at that point, it was going to have to be replaced.

My husband went out and secured it, as best he could, til he could set aside some time, to go dig up and dispose of what was there and replace it. He did rig it temporarily at least, so that the dog wouldn't be able to escape the back yard, which was the main concern (mil certainly is not able to run after the dog if it escapes). So hubby had secured it, at least. But then for days and days, until hubby could get back out there to replace it, that's all we heard. From mil, as well as sil. That gate/fence really has got to be replaced, do you think he could go to H Depot, go get her, .. and take her to H Depot to price it .. maybe they can just go ahead and get it done for her.

The answer, "He doesn't want her to have to pay H Depot for something he's quite sure he can handle, for a lot less $, .. he'll get there just as soon as he can ... the gate is secured, nobody is gonna be coming in and out of it, .. the dog can't get out".

Then a return text would come, "she's concerned that her yard people are coming, and they won't be able to get into the b'yard with their big mower".

Return text by me, "They shouldn't be mowing this time of year, the grass is dormant, it's cold, ... if it has to wait a week or two for them to get back there, it won't be any big catastrophe".

Return text from sil: "you're probably right".

Then later that day, phone call from mil: "Did he say when he thinks he might be able to fix this gate/fence, I'm really concerned that the yard people are coming, .. and ......", same song and dance as above.

I would answer to it much as was answered above, all while reassuring that if need be, it's just rigged is all, .. it's closed and secured, but I"m sure the yard folks can see what he's done to secure it, and unsecure it if they feel they HAVE to get back there.

Response to that: "yes, but you worry, will they secure it back the way it was, I can't really get back there, and if I do, I don't know what to do with it, I really just need him to get here as quick as he can and get this fixed".

Response to that: "yes he's aware, it's on his list to do, you may need to just have the lawn crew, not go into the b'yard til that can be fixed".

Same thing would go on day after day, only worded a little differently. And always in dialogue with me. I don't fix fences, I don't know a thing about fixing fences, yet the dialogue would go on with me. I would defer, at times, "I don't know you'll have to talk to him, not sure what's on his agenda/schedule".

So a text would be forwarded to him. The beauty of his situation ... he owns his own biz, in the service/construction industry and so he is busy ... and occupied, and he can't be on a customer's time, .. standing there answering a text about a fence that's broken. So he, for the most part, ignored the repeated texts .. phone mssgs. But that then defers it back to me again, in further texts/phone calls as follows: "I texted him but he hasn't answered me, I'm sure he's busy, has he said anything about when he thinks he an get there ...".

You would have thought the yard was on fire, .. and he needs to get there right now, for all the hubbub created over this.

He did get there, within a week or so, and get it all done. But in that week or so's time .. you would have thought the world was going to come crashing down around all of us.

This, the above, is just one scenario that was recent. The above happens, ... when a light bulb goes out in the bathroom, the kitchen, .. (she has numerous lights in every room, .. maybe her kitchen table light has gone out, but she still has the overhead light in there, and the light over the stove, and the light over the KS. But if the light has gone out in any one of those locations, you would think she can't see, at all, to navigate around in there, .. and by Gosh, she's gonna fall, any second, because she's trying to work in there to fix a bowl of cereal and can't see.

If a sprinkler in the yard irrigation system goes haywire .. same as above. "But the sprayer it's only spraying one little spot, it's saturating that little spot, but the other part, where it should be rotating, it isn't doing it, and so that part of the yard is going to die, ..

On and on and on it goes, with every little thing.

Unless he can hop and run, at that very moment of notification (which is almost never) the repeated phone calls/texts, .. they go on and on and on and on, til he can get there. I am not exaggerating here.

And so the above plays out, all along with the, she now needs someone to be present, so she can bathe, she feels afraid she'll fall and she's there all alone. She needs help with groceries, it's just too daunting to go to the store alone (she does still drive, though I question that she should be doing so) .. it's too daunting for her, to go that alone. Those of us who don't have mobility issues, don't realize just how much walking there is to a trip to the grocery store, in and down all the aisles, and then out to the car, .. and then home, to unload all the groceries and put them away. It's a lot for someone with her mobility issues, almost too much I'd say.

Along with needing help to get to the pet store, to get to the hardware store, .. etc etc etc.

And don't even go there about cooking. She just isn't able to do so anymore. She can make herself, maybe a bowl of oatmeal, .. or a can of soup. But much more than that, ... she just can't do it anymore, doesn't have the stamina.

So the repeated phone calls/texts, yes .. the above about describes how that all plays out.

Wow, just wow!


IMHO, you have to find a way for SIL to decrease her badgering and nagging. I am probably more patient than 99.9% of all adults (I was a special education teacher, and even other special ed teachers marveled at my extreme patience) and I would be going crazy and would probably snap if I was subjected to that amount of badgering and nagging.


I don't know what to suggest. What if you simply did not respond to your SIL's texts or phone calls? Or, returned a text "Sorry, I'm busy now. Call after 8 PM" or "Sorry, I'm busy now. Call your brother after 8 PM."

Obviously your SIL is 1,000 miles away so she is not going to discover that your MIL has fallen or had a stroke or any other emergency, so none of her calls or texts will be real emergencies.

At least among my friends the husband did not "see" or understand problems until they directly effected them. The wives and daughters often took on far, far more caregiving responsibilities than they could handle while the man (the son of the elderly parent) did very little so they did not know the true situation.

I wish that I could help you more.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Wayland Woman View Post
If it were me I'd suggest to my long-distance sister-in-law that she is free to hire a handyman who can take care of all the house and yard chores at your mother-in-law's house.----that's something she can do by phone and would be helpful. If she can't afford to do that then she needs to start helping your mother-in-law understand that she needs to be patient with those in the family who are are trying to provide hands-on-help. That is also something she can do by phone and would be helpful.

Good point.
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Old 02-13-2016, 08:17 AM
 
576 posts, read 854,463 times
Reputation: 542
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I think that regularly scheduled visits does seem to be for the best. And, I would strongly recommend that that you save extra visits for true emergencies. When a close friend's mom moved into an assisted living program they also had a regular schedule for frequent visits but their mom had an "emergency" and wanted them to come almost every single day. Well, her emergencies ended up being things like she wanted her blue sweater to be taken to the dry cleaner, or she ran out of Corn Flakes (and only had Rice Krispies & Wheaties), or she dropped a pen under her bed or similar things that could easily wait a day or two. And, as long as the person was already there Mom wanted then to stay and play cards or share a meal or socialize.


Another tip that may work, especially for your daughters, is to give MIL a fixed time span. "Grandma, I need to leave by 7 PM. I have time to do the laundry and fix dinner for you or we can play cards and talk but we do not have time to do all those things" And, when it is 7 PM then daughter leaves. Otherwise, MIL will probably want her to do one more thing, and then one more thing. Look at it this way, if you hire someone to come in for four hours they will leave after four hours, so it is good to get your MIL used to prioritizing her needs and wants.


Good luck to you.
That's the other thing that is probably indicative of a lot of the elderly, they have no real concept of time, and the constraints thereof. Daughter that does the grocery duty for mil. Routinely she will go to do grocery duty, and will be asked, "can we also go to _______________". Daughter will say to her, "Ok, yes, that's fine if we have time, but I do need to be back home by 2 PM, I have to meet my g'friends", or whatever the reason may be.

Mil, doesn't have any concept of "time". So she now goes to get her shower, which, for her takes longer than it would for you or I. She has to get dressed and put her face on, which, for you or I, would take a matter of maybe 30/45 mins, for her, much much longer. Maybe daughter got there at 10, expecting merely to be a presence while she showers, .. which takes a while for mil, .... and to take her to the grocery, also something that takes a while for mil. Then mil adds to the list, "can we go to _____________, if you have time?". And so daughter answers, "yes, but I do have to be back home by 2 PM....".

And before you ask, "can you just go to the grocery for her?", that is an approach that has been tried, and we continue to work on that, but it's an *outing* for her, she doesn't get out much, so it's an outing for her that she will not easily forgo. We continue to work on it, and she relents, at times, and allows that someone go for her, but typically no.

So now daughter is there it's 10 AM. And so now mil goes to take a shower, .. probably 1 1/2 hours later, or thereabout, she's now finally ready to go get in the car, to leave. So they go to the grocery. And again, .. what takes you or I 30 mins, to run thru the grocery, takes her about 2 hours, give or take. Even with daughter going to retrieve some of what's on the list herself, .. so as to speed things up. And no, it's not that the list is that long, it's that mil is so slow (and no she won't ride the motorized cart that all grocery stores now have for those that need such, she simply will not do it, ... vanity ..???....not sure. It's that mil is so very creeping along slow (she can't help it, we all realize that), but she also stops to talk to anyone who will engage with her. Be that other shoppers, be that the personnel of the store, you name it, .. she loves to talk, .. and so she stops whoever she encounters and will strike up a conversation with them.

So now, it's approaching 2 PM, .. and we aren't even done with the groceries we set about to get, .. getting there, almost done, but not quite, ... and we still have to get home now, and put those groceries away for her, .. and now she had mentioned also wanting to go to _______________*if you have time*.

Well no, now I don't. Because all of the above took so much time, no, .. I don't have time now to go to ___________".

But you feel bad. You know she can't get out and do so herself, so whatever it was she needed from, .. I don't know .. fill in the blank, Walgreens, the hardware store, the pet store, .. the makeup counter at he mall, you name it. Now, .. it's approaching 2 PM, the time you said you needed to be back home, and she has no concept of that.

Yes, daughter will remind her, as they are ambling thru the grocery store, "Now don't forget g'ma, we gotta get done here, because I've got to also be back home for so and so ....".

That doesn't speed g'ma along. G'ma acknowledges what was said, but she then strikes up a conversation with the next person she encounters, and rambles on and on with that person, unaware, that the time clock is ticking.

So now daughter finally gets her back home from the grocery store, and puts away the groceries, but it is now approaching too close to 2 PM, to go do anything else. And so daughter has two choices. She can stretch what she told g'ma (which is what she usually does) and go ahead to the other destination for whatever else it was she requested to go do, the option she usually takes, but then feels rushed/stressed because she is now taking up too much of her time to do thus and so, and not attending to what she needed to do when she got back home, be that meet her g'friends or whatever it it was she was to go do ... or she declines the next destination that g'ma had requested to go to, in which case, she then feels guilty because she knows that g'ma can't really get there on her own, not easily .. and so poor g'ma now won't get that at ________________, because mean ole me, couldn't make it happen for her.

Do you see what I mean, about time constraints, .. and probably that's pretty typical of older folks, they mean nothing to her.

And yes, we have made it a habit to start asking her, before we start that way, "is there anything else you need?, can I stop at the pet store or Walgreens for you, is there something you need me to pick up".

Typically the answer is no. But when you get there, is when she realizes that "ya know, if you have time, I really need to run to the dept store at the mall, I need to go to the makeup counter and get some more _________". Or, "ya know I didn't realize it when I talked to you before, but I'm running out of those pill pockets for my dog, do you think we'd have time to run to the pet store, so I can get some more of those", or "ya know I didn't think about it til just now, but I need to run by H Depot to get some more mulch for that area around the back, the yard guy said he'd put it our for me, if I get it here, so I really need to go get that".

All of the above, if you'd of told me before I came here, I could've easily gone and gotten them for you, and brought them here.

All of the above, very real scenarios that happen, routinely.
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Old 02-13-2016, 08:39 AM
 
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I just read your more recent posts. What a frustrating situation. I am sorry.

If I were you I would have my husband call his sister and explain all these constant demands are absurd. I would have snapped at SIL long ago. She should be supplying reason and instead is accelerating demands.

It sounds like SIL and MIL are suited to live together. At first I thought since you enjoyed your MIL, you could have her live with your family. But after reading all the demands reinforced by sister in law, I would warn against that.

In her present situation your Mother in law needs paid help & daily companionship. If she can not afford that, your sister in law & husband need decide what THEY are going to do....because here's what you & your daughters aren't going to do anymore.

I don't understand a reverse mortgage. Does this mean your MIL has tapped out value of her home some time ago as lump sum? Or that each month X$ comes into MIL hands from reverse mortgage as long as she's in her home?

The option of using you & your daughters instead of paid help has to be taken off the table. Enough all ready.

Last edited by historyfan; 02-13-2016 at 08:41 AM.. Reason: clarity
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Old 02-13-2016, 08:49 AM
 
576 posts, read 854,463 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wayland Woman View Post
If it were me I'd suggest to my long-distance sister-in-law that she is free to hire a handyman who can take care of all the house and yard chores at your mother-in-law's house.----that's something she can do by phone and would be helpful. If she can't afford to do that then she needs to start helping your mother-in-law understand that she needs to be patient with those in the family who are are trying to provide hands-on-help. That is also something she can do by phone and would be helpful.
Sil doesn't live here, and so doesn't even know where to find someone of a handyman nature. We could do so, of course. But we hate to see her pay for something that hubby can fix.

Our neighbor isn't a "handyman" in the phone book or anything of the sort, but is very handy at fixing things. It has been suggested before, if hubby hasn't gotten there soon enough and this texting/phone thing is being run up and down the flagpole. It will get run up and down the flagpole, "He knows, he knows to get there, he will be there as soon as he can, listen I can call my neighbor if you'd like, I'm sure he can fix _________".

The answer then becomes, "No, no, .. that's okay, I know he's busy, I'll wait for him".

But then same song, different day, "has he said when he thinks he can get here?".
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