how long should your visit/help be? (Medicaid, disabled, siblings)

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by nnyl

That's the other thing that is probably indicative of a lot of the elderly, they have no real concept of time, and the constraints thereof. Daughter that does the grocery duty for mil. Routinely she will go to do grocery duty, and will be asked, "can we also go to _______________". Daughter will say to her, "Ok, yes, that's fine if we have time, but I do need to be back home by 2 PM, I have to meet my g'friends", or whatever the reason may be.

Mil, doesn't have any concept of "time". So she now goes to get her shower, which, for her takes longer than it would for you or I. She has to get dressed and put her face on, which, for you or I, would take a matter of maybe 30/45 mins, for her, much much longer. Maybe daughter got there at 10, expecting merely to be a presence while she showers, .. which takes a while for mil, .... and to take her to the grocery, also something that takes a while for mil. Then mil adds to the list, "can we go to _____________, if you have time?". And so daughter answers, "yes, but I do have to be back home by 2 PM....".

And before you ask, "can you just go to the grocery for her?", that is an approach that has been tried, and we continue to work on that, but it's an *outing* for her, she doesn't get out much, so it's an outing for her that she will not easily forgo. We continue to work on it, and she relents, at times, and allows that someone go for her, but typically no.

So now daughter is there it's 10 AM. And so now mil goes to take a shower, .. probably 1 1/2 hours later, or thereabout, she's now finally ready to go get in the car, to leave. So they go to the grocery. And again, .. what takes you or I 30 mins, to run thru the grocery, takes her about 2 hours, give or take. Even with daughter going to retrieve some of what's on the list herself, .. so as to speed things up. And no, it's not that the list is that long, it's that mil is so slow (and no she won't ride the motorized cart that all grocery stores now have for those that need such, she simply will not do it, ... vanity ..???....not sure. It's that mil is so very creeping along slow (she can't help it, we all realize that), but she also stops to talk to anyone who will engage with her. Be that other shoppers, be that the personnel of the store, you name it, .. she loves to talk, .. and so she stops whoever she encounters and will strike up a conversation with them.

So now, it's approaching 2 PM, .. and we aren't even done with the groceries we set about to get, .. getting there, almost done, but not quite, ... and we still have to get home now, and put those groceries away for her, .. and now she had mentioned also wanting to go to _______________*if you have time*.

Well no, now I don't. Because all of the above took so much time, no, .. I don't have time now to go to ___________".

But you feel bad. You know she can't get out and do so herself, so whatever it was she needed from, .. I don't know .. fill in the blank, Walgreens, the hardware store, the pet store, .. the makeup counter at he mall, you name it. Now, .. it's approaching 2 PM, the time you said you needed to be back home, and she has no concept of that.

Yes, daughter will remind her, as they are ambling thru the grocery store, "Now don't forget g'ma, we gotta get done here, because I've got to also be back home for so and so ....".

That doesn't speed g'ma along. G'ma acknowledges what was said, but she then strikes up a conversation with the next person she encounters, and rambles on and on with that person, unaware, that the time clock is ticking.

So now daughter finally gets her back home from the grocery store, and puts away the groceries, but it is now approaching too close to 2 PM, to go do anything else. And so daughter has two choices. She can stretch what she told g'ma (which is what she usually does) and go ahead to the other destination for whatever else it was she requested to go do, the option she usually takes, but then feels rushed/stressed because she is now taking up too much of her time to do thus and so, and not attending to what she needed to do when she got back home, be that meet her g'friends or whatever it it was she was to go do ... or she declines the next destination that g'ma had requested to go to, in which case, she then feels guilty because she knows that g'ma can't really get there on her own, not easily .. and so poor g'ma now won't get that at ________________, because mean ole me, couldn't make it happen for her.

Do you see what I mean, about time constraints, .. and probably that's pretty typical of older folks, they mean nothing to her.

And yes, we have made it a habit to start asking her, before we start that way, "is there anything else you need?, can I stop at the pet store or Walgreens for you, is there something you need me to pick up".

Typically the answer is no. But when you get there, is when she realizes that "ya know, if you have time, I really need to run to the dept store at the mall, I need to go to the makeup counter and get some more _________". Or, "ya know I didn't realize it when I talked to you before, but I'm running out of those pill pockets for my dog, do you think we'd have time to run to the pet store, so I can get some more of those", or "ya know I didn't think about it til just now, but I need to run by H Depot to get some more mulch for that area around the back, the yard guy said he'd put it our for me, if I get it here, so I really need to go get that".

All of the above, if you'd of told me before I came here, I could've easily gone and gotten them for you, and brought them here.

All of the above, very real scenarios that happen, routinely.

I do understand those scenarios. If Grandma/MIL does not understand or remember the amount of time needed than you and your daughters need to remember how much time is needed and you plan the schedule. Look at it this way if you were dealing with a child who truly did not understand time and they said "I want to go to the zoo and the park and the toy store and Jimmy's house today" you would have no hesitation in telling them "No, honey we can not do all of those things today. Do you want to go to the park or the zoo?"

You & your daughters will need to learn to say "No". "No, Grandma I can not take you to the store today, there is not enough time. I need to leave by 2 PM".

You have to learn how to say "No" and stick to it. In an earlier post, I mentioned someone who took her mother to the grocery store once a month to stock up on items and once a week the daughter brought perishables (milk, fruit, vegetables) from a list that Mom sent her. What I did not mention was that the mother used to be a chef and cooking was very important to her. It took a while, but my friend's mom learned to adapt to the once a month trip to the store and still had all of the items that she needed in her pantry, and freezer.

If your MIL lived in a senior living facility with transportation to the grocery store I bet that they would go once a week. Even if a resident whined and complained the facility would still only go shopping on their regular schedule.


Again look at this from when your children were younger, would you jump in the car at 7 AM to buy a new hair bow for your daughter before school? No, you would say "Honey, wear a different bow. We can get a new black one on the weekend" . Or, if your daughter wanted more of her favorite purple pens, would you change your entire schedule and immediately rush to the store to buy more pens? I really doubt it. I bet you would say "Honey, I asked you yesterday if you needed anything at the office supply store and you said No. You will have to wait until I go next time."


But, your MIL, is making all of you (except for hubby & SIL) run around like crazy people trying to immediately fulfill all of her demands.

Obviously, it there are many problems. I think that you and your husband and his sister really have to sit down and discuss these issues before something major happens. Until then, we can suggest "band aide" solutions that will help a little but it is obvious that your MIL needs more help and more companionship than she is receiving right now.

[nnyl]

Originally Posted by historyfan

I just read your more recent posts. What a frustrating situation. I am sorry.

If I were you I would have my husband call his sister and explain all these constant demands are absurd. I would have snapped at SIL long ago. She should be supplying reason and instead is accelerating demands.

It sounds like SIL and MIL are suited to live together. At first I thought since you enjoyed your MIL, you could have her live with your family. But after reading all the demands reinforced by sister in law, I would warn against that.

In her present situation your Mother in law needs paid help & daily companionship. If she can not afford that, your sister in law & husband need decide what THEY are going to do....because here's what you & your daughters aren't going to do anymore.

I don't understand a reverse mortgage. Does this mean your MIL has tapped out value of her home some time ago as lump sum? Or that each month X$ comes into MIL hands from reverse mortgage as long as she's in her home?

The option of using you & your daughters instead of paid help has to be taken off the table. Enough all ready.

Reverse mortgage. Some years back, there was still a mtg payment due monthly, .. and the funds, with both she and her husband now retired (why did they retire when they still had a monthly mtg payment, I don't know). The funds not there, to keep paying that monthly mortgage payment. Thus they got what is known as a reverse mortgage.

That meant she could either tap out what equity she had in her home (she did not opt to do so) or it could sit in an escrow and she could tap into it on an as need basis. Which she has opted to do, replacing an old car along the way, buying a new roof for the home along the way, etc etc.

She could've opted to receive a monthly stipend based on the equity, but did not opt to do so.

But in any event, the home is reverse mortgaged, which means, she is still obligated to care for said property and not let it fall into disrepair .. but the home, when she is no longer living, will go to the bank.

[ss20ts]

Originally Posted by nnyl

I am the original poster, and daughter in law in this situation. I love my mother in law, and she has been, through our 36 years of marriage, the best mother in law one could ever hope for.

My husband is her son, we live here, where aged mother lives. She also has a daughter. Daughter and her husband (both retired) live 1K miles from here. Daughter does manage to come every 3 or 4 months and typically stays maybe 10 days or so.

I feel like the need is increasing, mil's condition deteriorating (see above, no longer comfortable showering alone in her home). I have suggested to the daughter (she is my sil) that she consider staying longer this time when she comes and/or consider that she should approach her mom that there needs to be the allowance for outside help.

Mil is lonely. Most of her friends have either passed or are so incapacitated themselves that it's impossible to socialize anymore. Mil has mobility issues as a result of a minor stroke some years back and as such, she struggles herself with mobility.

I wish the situation were one that we could spend more time with mil, enjoying her, as opposed to seeing to her many myriad of needs. I think the above would help to resolve some of that. Get her out some and enjoy lunch out for instance and just visit. She loves to talk, she can talk for hours.

The reality however, we (her son's family that reside here in the same city) are not retired, and only have so much time at our disposal. When that time needs to be spent seeing to her various needs, a presence, so she can shower, *grocery shopping, and she typically wants to go, since she's all but a shut-in*, going to the Hardware store for some need, the pet store for some need, a doctor's visit, attending to broken items in her home .. i.e., light bulbs that have burned out, privacy fencing that needs repair, a sprinkler head that has stayed in a stuck on position and won't turn off, the needs are many. Cooking and making sure that food gets brought to her, so she will eat somewhat nutritious (she is quite content to live off of cheese and crackers, and fruit). Cheese and crackers and fruit, are fine, occasionally, but not as a staple of a nutritious diet. So I also make sure that what I cook, some gets set to the side and taken to her.

The above, leaves little time to actually enjoy mil. And her enjoy us. She is lonely. When one of us goes for the various needs, she always wants whoever goes there, to sit and visit with her. See above, she can talk, a lot.

I understand that she's lonely.

However, I feel like if she would allow some outside assistance, that would free up more of our time, to be able to enjoy her, and her us.

She will not though. It has been approached numerous times. She doesn't want "strangers" coming to her home. Even though we've all offered, countless times, that we will meet with her and new service, to make sure she is comfortable.

Still, she refuses outside help of any sort.

I have a great relationship with my mil and her daughter. I have tried to stress to sil, that when she comes next, she should stay longer, or do her best to do so, if possible. And/or she should maybe consider approaching her mother that she needs to now take seriously, the use of outside help.

I'm not getting very far with the above. Sil, when she comes here, she stays typically about 10 days or so, and she lives and breathes for her mother. She is extremely helpful when she does come. To the point that mil dreads seeing her daughter come. Her daughter, so very hyper-vigilant, and seeing to every possible need and then some. It wears mil out when her daughter comes. Her daughter is so busy cleaning gutters, clearing out flower beds, repainting garage door, calling docs, and scheduling appts., seeing about every single solitary thing. It sounds wonderful, unless you are the 86 yo who just wants someone to sit and visit with her.

When I stress to sil that she needs to consider staying longer, to ....A) give us a break, but also ....B) allow herself more time to complete all the tasks she feels she needs to see to, and not wear herself out, as well as her mother. The response that I get is typically along the lines of, "it's really hard to be away for much longer than that, we have our own home, and obligations here. As well as, sil has to bring her husband with her, who suffers from bi-polar disorder. She feels more comfortable bringing him along, as opposed to leaving him behind 1K miles away. When she brings husband along, mil doesn't like the husband. It's really unfounded that mil doesn't like him. He can't help it that he is all but a shell of a person at this point, because he stays so medicated to keep his bi-polar in check. Mil has, in the past, said cruel things to the husband, and so that makes it hard for sil to stay very long.

I don't know what the answers are here. Mil doesn't have the resources for an assisted living facility. Nor would she ever even entertain the notion of going to some sort of communal living arrangement.

The only thing I do know, is that we, her son's family are taxed. Something needs to give here.

Your SIL isn't exactly having a party sitting around drinking margaritas and eating bon-bons by the pool while been fanned by Rudolpho! She's taking care of her own husband who clearly has some serious health issues. He is her first priority. Of course, he has to come with her when she travels. She can't leave him alone and to ask her to come alone would just be stupid quite frankly.

So what if mother doesn't like him. That's too damn bad. She should keep her trap shut and be happy her daughter is visiting at all. She keeps up that behavior the visits will be shorter and less frequent.

When your SIL does visit she's working her tail off. She's trying her best to help out. She does live a thousand miles away which means she has to spend quite a bit of money to travel. Being retired doesn't mean you do nothing all day and have 24 hours a day to do whatever you want. She's taking care of her sickly husband!

It sounds like your husband needs to sit down with his mother and have a serious talk. She needs help. If she refuses, there's only so much you can do. Talk to her doctor's and see if they can help. There's only so much you can do if she refuses help. You can't be there for her 24 hours a day and you're not qualified to take care of her unless you are a medical trained professional.

Have you offered to be there with her if someone comes in to help her with something? If one of you is there, she may be more willing. And over time she may be ok being alone with someone and they wouldn't be a stranger anymore.

[fluffythewondercat]

Originally Posted by nnyl

Sil doesn't live here, and so doesn't even know where to find someone of a handyman nature. We could do so, of course. But we hate to see her pay for something that hubby can fix.

Except he can't do it on anything like a timely basis. Let her pay for it.

Look, you haven't said it but you've got a controlling MIL on your hands and I'm betting she was that way even when she was hale and hearty.

I too have a controlling MIL who lives next door to my SIL. I can't tell you how many times SIL has let the phone go to voicemail when she sees who the call is from. You need to start doing that. If it's an emergency, she can call 911 as easily as she can call you.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat

Except he can't do it on anything like a timely basis. Let her pay for it.

Look, you haven't said it but you've got a controlling MIL on your hands and I'm betting she was that way even when she was hale and hearty.

I too have a controlling MIL who lives next door to my SIL. I can't tell you how many times SIL has let the phone go to voicemail when she sees who the call is from. You need to start doing that. If it's an emergency, she can call 911 as easily as she can call you.

OP, that may shock you, but I have heard of quite a few people who do that (let the phone go to voice mail). On my job we were not allowed to have cell phones with us during the work day. If there was truly an emergency the calls went though the main office and they contacted us. If you worked at a place like that do you really think that your SIL & MIL would be calling the main office with every little thing that she is currently calling you and texting you about during the day? I doubt it.

The first step is making yourself less available.


Can you talk with a social worker for the local council of aging to get more suggestions? Perhaps, there are programs or services that your MIL is eligible to receive. Sometimes if an outside person, a social worker or her family doctor, suggests something it is easier for an elderly person to accept than if their adult child or DIL or SIL suggests it.

[shamrock4]

Originally Posted by Backintheville2

There were no income limits when MOW came to interview my mom. They didn't ask anything about income. They asked if she was on Medicare, which of course she is. But I realize it may vary from location to location. My dad (who has since passed) was in a Nursing Home at the time and I am a live-in caregiver for my mom.

I don't know what all they look at in making their decision, and I had doubts whether my mom would qualify. But she did and it is a wonderful service. She gets a meal delivered Monday through Friday. They don't even come in, it just gets dropped off at the door and I warm it (if needed) and serve her.

There also were no income limits for my parents and other relatives. MOW does not impose income limits in all locations. I helped fill out forms for MOW and was involved in meetings in three different locations (in three different states), plus delivered meals as a volunteer. If you can afford it, a donation was requested for the meals.

Qualifications for MOW should be checked for your specific location. In the cases I was involved in, you needed to be over 60 (younger under certain conditions), and unable to shop safely without assistance and unable to cook independently for yourself to provide "nutritious meals". Some include the qualification of "housebound" meaning the individual cannot safely drive, shop, go to appointments and generally be independent in taking care of their own needs without assistance. The qualifications can usually be found online by county or certainly with a phone call.

It is unfortunate to hear some locations evidently have income limitations, but everyone should check in their own local area before MOW is ruled out.

[historyfan]

Ok. I asked about the reverse mortgage to understand whether or not MIL had exhausted her resources. Is there anything left in the reverse mortgage escrow account that could be used now for "live in help"? It also sounds like MIL needs live in house or possession reverts to bank.

If she is essentially broke, she is no longer in command of her ship. I would do as others have suggested & have your husband & SIL seek a elder care social worker for professional guidance. You can't do it without becoming the evil DIL.

As it stands, your Mother in law is not happy, you and your daughters are not happy & your husband surely isn't, and your sister in law is not happy. Everyone might not be happy happy with whatever they decide, but surely you all could be less unhappy with a change.

[ss20ts]

Originally Posted by nnyl

She has a reverse mortgage, no assets to speak of really.

So, protecting her assets via a will, not really an issue. She does have a small will, which dictates who gets her car, her home furnishings, etc., but that's about it.

I guess my question needs to be, since I'm the one here, on the scene. I can't get sil on the same page. She comes into town periodically, and when she comes, she literally does everything short of breathe for her mom. My husband, her son, his involvement seems to extend to fixing the various things that break in a typical home, in which case he goes and fixes it, and perhaps visits with her some. He and I both take her, occasionally, out to dinner. But the running to docs, scheduling appts., going so that she can shower, the grocery/errands, the cooking so she can eat nutritiously, the house-keeping, all done by me, and our daughters.

I guess my question boils down to, since I'm apparently not very successful at getting the attention of her two biological children, to get them to recognize that "something needs to give here", even though I'm shouting it from the rooftops as myself and our daughters run hither and yon, buttoning down yet one more grocery trip, one more meal, one more scheduled doc visit, one more errand, one more house cleaning session, one more sitting so she can shower, ..

Do I step back, and not be as "available".

I think the problem boils down to, getting the attention of the two biological children in this case, her son .. who is my husband, and her daughter, .. residing 1K miles away.

Our daughters, today a great example. Daughter works f/t. She contacted her g'mother, at my request, "it's time that your grandmother get a shower ... I was last there on Tuesday, so she could do so, I asked her yesterday if she needed me to come so she could bathe and she said that no, she was fine, but maybe tomorrow (which is today). So if you could, please contact her, on your break, to see if it'd be alright for you to come out when you get off work today (which for her as at 2:30 PM, she works about 30 mins away, and g'mother's house is approximately another 20 mins. farther).

So she contacted g'mother to ask if she could maybe come out, probably get there about 3:30 and that way g'mother can get a shower. The response she got was: "yes, that would be great, if you could come on out at 3:30 .. and then when I finish my shower, if you can, I need to go to Petsmart, and then to the grocery store, if you have time to take me".

This daughter is 23 yo, lives at home with me.

She called me in a kind of frenzy "Mom, I don't have time for all that, I feel bad telling her no, .. .but I don't have time, it takes her forever to take a shower, because she's so incapacitated, and that's one thing, but then to have to help her navigate to the car, and then go to Petsmart, which is 20 mins. back this way .. and then her navigate so slowly around Petsmart, .. and then to the grocery, same thing ... she is so slow, she can't move fast, and I don't have time for this".

I asked my daughter what she needs from Petsmart, since I'd just taken her on Tuesday. My daughter said she didn't know, something for her dog's hip.

SIGH

So what I did was ascertain what it is she needs from the Pet supply store, and I went to retrieve it, .. even though another trip this week to the pet store, wasn't on my agenda. I went and got the item in question, and then told my daughter, it's here, .. so when you get home, grab the soup that I made for g'ma, and the medicine that I picked up, and haul it out there, and so you won't have to go to the pet supply store, and now if you want, maybe just suggest to your g'ma, that she make a list, and that way you can zip through the grocery and grab the thing she needs.

She got to the g'mother's with the medicine I'd picked up, and the meal that I'd prepared for her, and g'ma wanted to "go" to the grocery, as opposed to making a list.

I was there on Tuesday, of this week, so she could bathe, that's the express reason I went, and took for her, a couple of dinners that I'd prepared, and set aside. When I got there, she asked if I had time to run her to the bank. The bank is 20 mins back this way ... where I just came from. Had I known she needed cash, I'd of gladly stopped at the ATM and withdrawn funds from my own acct., and let her write me a check. But I had no cash on me to make that happen. I felt bad telling her no. So agreed to do so. Waited for her to get her shower, .. and then we set out for the bank. Once at the bank, she asked if we could go to the pet store, .. for dog food. We went then, to the pet store.

Mind you, she has mobility issues and so taking her anywhere, takes much much longer than most of us can zip in and out of some place. So we got to the pet store, and amble our way through that. Then she wants to go to lunch. So off we go to have lunch out. I didn't have the heart to tell her no, and I usually don't have the heart to do so. She so rarely gets out, .. all but a shut in. She can't navigate real well on her own, to be able to go grab a lunch out on her own. She so rarely gets any socialization, .. other than what we can provide that comes along with whatever chore we're there to see to.

In the face of daughter's dilemma today, all she'd agreed to do was the visiting so mil can bathe. Then mil adds to it, can we go to the pet store, can we go to the grocery. Daughter didn't have time (see above, because it takes her so long to navigate around). Daughter typically takes her weekly to the grocery and/or goes for her, whichever works out.

I did communicate with sil, and told her these are the things I'm referring to. If we could maybe get "some" outside help involved here, .. that way we can pick up some of the slack, instead of having to be all things, socialization, and cook, house-keeper, etc etc.

The only feedback from sil, was "ya know I wonder if she really needs someone there so she can shower, I don't know .. I asked her the other day and she said she really does ... but I don't know .... maybe you guys can cut back on doing that for her ... maybe I need to talk to her about it more". Followed by: "I didn't know she needed to go do all that, ... I just talked to her and told her that ______________(my daughter) was going to call her on her break at work, and ck with her about coming out so she can bathe, and she never mentioned needing to go anywhere else".

That's the response I got.

Thus the reason I say, should my approach be, 'just back off, .. and do what I'm willing to do, whatever that is, .. prepare meals and maybe go out there one day a week, .. and the other daughters, they seem to go one day a week also, but needs outside of that, they just go unanswered, *unless it's an emergency of course*?

Do I need to just back out of it?

I did tell her son, (my husband) of todays' dilemma which seems to reoccur frequently, and his only response was, "why did she do that?" (speaking of his mother). I answered that with, "that's what I keep telling you, she needs more help than we can give her consistently". His response beyond that was, "well do I need to go run out there and get her to the store?". Of course, daughter was already on that mission, at the very moment he said that.

This goes on weekly. Last week, the other daughter out there to clean house. She was back home (I care for her toddler when she goes out there). She was there for 4 + hours (because part of that is spent "visiting" her lonely grandmother and having a sandwich with her, to give her some company. She'd long since come home, when I got a text from the sil 1K miles away. Would you ask _______________(my husband) if he goes back out there to work on her fence/gate, that she has a load of towels in the dryer that need to be folded, she forgot to tell _____________(my daughter) when she was out there today. And when _______________(my other daughter) goes tomorrow, can you have her Swifter the kitchen floor _____________1st daughter that was there cleaning, had run out of time and so didn't get to that.

So when the daughter went out there to go to the grocery, she did go ahead and fold the towels that hadn't been folded, .. and Swiftered the floor, and took mil to the grocery. And then mil wanted to have a sandwich and sit and visit. All of this, took more time than daughter really wanted to devote to it.

Point is, this goes on weekly, ....

You and your daughters are being taken advantage of 100%!! You and your daughters need to start saying no that you can't do x, y, and z. You need to stop being at her beckon call. By saying no, she will have to adapt. You're running yourselves ragged. And your daughters are young and have lives of their own. It is not their responsibility to take care of grandma multiple days a week.

Your husband and SIL need to wake up and smell the cappuccino! They need to stop relying on others to take care of their mother. They need to stop denying that she needs help. There's no doubt she needs help, but her children need to be the ones to speak up. You and your daughters seriously need to step back so your husband and SIL can see how much help she truly needs.

[seain dublin]

Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl

Or how about just stop reading her texts and answering her calls other than one day a week. I don't mean simply not responding to them. I mean DO NOT ENGAGE six days a week. You can start by saying, "My daughter and I are run ragged by MIL and we are implementing a schedule for her needs. I'll only be able to take texts and calls on Sunday, so save up your comments til then please."

Of course she won't, but just delete without reading or let the phone go to a machine. Eventually she'll get the message. She won't like it but since she's 1,000 miles away; what's she going to do about it?

Very good advice.

OP, your SIL's husband is Bipolar. That's not the end of the world, I have that in my family and medication addresses that. It keeps them "even", don't get what the issue is. People who are Bipolar, get up and go to work and function.

I wonder if that is just an excuse? Sorry, but it's not like she taking care of a husband who is a paraplegic.

She's retired. Instead of making quick trips, she could come and stay for a month.

It's her mother, I think what you and your family do is wonderful. But a retired person can come and stay longer, and as long as her husband is under a doctor's care, he can function for a month without her.

[ss20ts]

Originally Posted by nnyl

I'm going to have to resolve within myself, that I won't go more than 1 x weekly. I will send food, via whomever is going in that direction for the issue they deal with normally. But running over there 2 and 3 x's weekly is wearing me out and making me resentful.

Your husband should bring her the food. This way he can see what challenges she has. He needs to be the one spending more time with her so he can see how taxing it is and what needs to be taken care of. She's his mother not yours.

And please stop telling your daughters how often to visit and take care of grandma. Ask them if the would be ok with one day a week. If not, that's ok. They have their own lives. How on earth can they date or have friends plus work when they HAVE to take care of grandma 2-3-4 days a week? That's not fair to them. She is not their responsibility. If they would like to help out 1 day a week that's fine, but no more.

I won't tell you where I would tell both your MIL and SIL to put those sticks from the yard! You can imagine. MIL is bored and lonely and has nothing to do all day so she's looking for stupid crap to b***c about. Playing the sympathy card....oh I need help....no one does anything for me.....tugging at those heart strings. My mother does this and she's not elderly...she's just a witch.

I'd also let SIL's calls go to voicemail periodically. She's not helping by asking/demanding others do all these things. She kind of needs to mind her own business. She's not there so she doesn't really know what's going on.

When calls and says mom needs blah blah blah, let her know it will go on the list and be taken care of as soon as possible. If it has to wait until Tuesday or Friday or whenever, so be it. You all can't keep dropping everything because she needs something.


We went through this with my husband's grandfather and his parents. His grandfather was one of the most miserable people I've ever met. I figured out why and people said no that's not it. He was over 90. ALL of his friends had died years ago. His wife had been gone for well over a decade when I joined the family. His lady friend died and then he really became horrible. He was a crotchety man before that, but after losing her he became absolutely unbearable.

My husband and I went somewhere with him and we took 2 cars. Holy moly! The man couldn't start the car with his right hand because it wouldn't move due to a stroke. He couldn't drive above 20 miles an hour. He was weaving in the 2 lanes like crazy and drove straight up the street most of the time. That was the most terrifying 30 minutes of my life and we were behind him.

We said something to my husband's father that evening. We were blown off. Of course a blind man can't see how his father's driving! We were told we were exaggerating and blowing it all out of proportion. I asked if they would listen if he got into an accident or killed someone. I was this horrible daughter-in-law....crazy me thinking of others on the road and the crazy old guy.

It took a few more years before his doctors FINALLY suspended his driving privileges. He had another stroke and lost a great deal of mobility. He fought tooth and nail about going to assisted living. He fought even harder when he had to move to a nursing home. He was an absolute nightmare to deal with. I kept saying people just needed to say no. They would come back with he's old and helpless....EXACTLY!!!! Taking care of the elderly can be just like taking care of a baby in many ways except they are much larger and talk.