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Old 02-18-2016, 04:59 PM
 
619 posts, read 362,474 times
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hugs to you. this isn't an easy time and your feelings are understandable.

My mother died many years ago at age 53. Did i want her to die, to be gone, to not be in our lives, to not see her grandchildren (I was pregnant at the time wth the first grandchild)? no, of course not. Did i want her to stop suffering? yes. and i knew that medicine had done all it could do.
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Old 02-18-2016, 05:14 PM
 
Location: Midwest
1,469 posts, read 855,693 times
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Went through this with my mom just 2 years ago today......She had brain cancer, no pain, & knew us up until the end....Hearing is the last to go, so talk to her. Please, please let her know how much you love her & that you and your siblings will all take care of each other.


She may be waiting to see one of her children before she dies so make sure your family are all at home.....My mom died on a beautiful sunny day with my brother holding 1 hand and me the other....She was looking up at the ceiling smiling as she went with my father who passed away 20 years before her....


The last thing we said to her was "Mom, its a beautiful sunny day outside and we are right here with you....Dad has been waiting for you for 20 years, go to him. We love you very very much, you have been the best Mom anyone could want but dad has been waiting for you....." She passed away 30 min later with a smile on her face and we felt incredible peace and were humbled by her passing...
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Old 02-18-2016, 05:24 PM
 
Location: San Antonio
7,629 posts, read 14,339,010 times
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I am so very sorry for what you are going thru and TOTALLY get it. Having helped both my momma and my darling younger sister pass over in the last 2 yrs, there comes a point when all you can think of is their pain and suffering need to end and they want it to end and yet they just linger on.

I so do not get how we realize the "humane" thing to do helping a suffering animal that you can do nothing more for is to help put it out of its misery, and yet we do not accept this same philosophy when it comes to humans.

Sometimes the end is so very difficult, help should be medically offered and available IF the patient request it.
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Old 02-18-2016, 05:37 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
29,704 posts, read 16,469,939 times
Reputation: 22313
Quote:
Originally Posted by reed067 View Post
Yes, you read that right. And I'm sure I'll get a lot of flack for it here.


Let me explain. My mom has always been the type of person to go from the time her feet hit the floor.
This last month she stays in the bed & 95% of the time she sleeps. Her lips are turning blue along with her fingers & her toes because she keeps pulling her breathing tube off. She has dreams of her dad coming & wanting to take her on a trip home. Even though we have guard rails that run down the length of the bed, she still mange's to get out some how. She doesn't fall but she does lay down in the floor because she doesn't have it in her to get back up. We've found her 4 times now on the floor.
We keep a baby monitor by her bed & we hear her talking to someone. She's not eating & the only way we can get her to take her meds is to crush them & get put them in pudding. So total she eats 4 bites of food all day. She has lost so much weight that we can see her pacemaker though her skin. Her skin is thin & you can see right though it. Most of the time she even doesn't know where she is these days & it breaks our heart to see her like this.


This isn't living & it's not right that she can't go on like this. No one should have to live like this..
There comes that time when you actually pray for death for a loved one. I know I did. My Mom had cancer for a long time but her last month of life was hell; pain, vomiting, starvation; ugh. Yes, I prayed she would die; and maybe it was for me as well; I couldn't stand it to go on one more day. We did have hospice and at the end, she was sedated and morphined up; just like I would want to be.


It does sound like your Mom could be getting close; now is the time to make SURE you say everything you want to say because with death ~ comes guilt - even if that guilt is undeserved.


Peace be with you and your family.


Quote:
Originally Posted by katenik View Post
A family member died of ALS last summer. He lived for nearly two weeks after he was last able to take food, and struggled for every breath during that time. We, too, prayed for his release. I'm sorry for anyone going through what you are experiencing. May God's peace be with you and your loved ones.
My mom too. Went on for about 10 days after not being able to eat or drink; move, talk, anything. It's awful.


Quote:
Originally Posted by reed067 View Post
Because some times one feel's the need to reach out to others who have been though what you've been though. It helps, does it not? It's nice knowing that you're not alone. Just because you don't see the point doesn't mean that someone can reach out for some encouragement of sorts. My wife's parents are still living I have my grandmother last year & within 5 months my moms sister died. Most of my friend's parents are still alive as well. So having a place where people can relate helps. No?
Yes, it's good to know that others have been where you are.
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Old 02-18-2016, 05:43 PM
 
Location: S. FL (hell for me-wife loves it)
3,160 posts, read 1,963,480 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
Don't ever feel bad in wanting your mom to pass away at the stage she's at. She is just alive, but not living. No one wants to just lay there alive with no quality of life.

I prayed for my own mom to pass away when she was near the end. She passed that night.

A side not that I hope people will consider when in the same situation:
One thing that still really bothers me... I just wish I'd stayed with her, but I had young kids at home and the doctor had said it would take a couple of days. (she had refused to go back to dialysis) My brother was in the house, but no one was holding her hand. That was in 1993 and I still feel guilty.
We went out for a very short period of time to buy catfood..that was it. He (Father in Law) died in that time frame.
Although it is a 4-legger, a cat that we cherished had done the same thing about 15 years earlier...
Souls are different. This has nothing to do with you, but the soul of the one leaving. You have no blame to bare. You are just reflecting on past events and taking a sword to the chest.

It is not your fault. All things die. Let it go friend.
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Old 02-18-2016, 06:35 PM
 
Location: Rutherfordton,NC
14,081 posts, read 8,985,828 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sfcambridge View Post
This is rough. No doubt.

I agree that you should have hospice involved now. It sounds like she is agitated, possibly uncomfortable, and there are definitely things that hospice can advise and provide for you at home to make her more comfortable.... particularly so she will sleep at night and not fall onto the floor. Morphine and ativan to start.

Why haven't you called hospice?





I'm sorry to hear your family is suffering through this.


Thank you but she is on hospice now. We give her meds to help her sleep that hospice provides. She has a will all the legal stuff has been taken care of a while back. Though an Elder care lawyer. When she doesn't want to take her meds she gets more agitated & she will get upset & take them. As someone who used to be a nurse she knows it takes a bit for the meds to take effect. Once the other have worn off. But not being in the right state of mind, she isn't thinking straight.
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Old 02-18-2016, 08:59 PM
 
2,632 posts, read 3,355,969 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reed067 View Post
Thank you but she is on hospice now. We give her meds to help her sleep that hospice provides. She has a will all the legal stuff has been taken care of a while back. Though an Elder care lawyer. When she doesn't want to take her meds she gets more agitated & she will get upset & take them. As someone who used to be a nurse she knows it takes a bit for the meds to take effect. Once the other have worn off. But not being in the right state of mind, she isn't thinking straight.
I understand.

Sometimes they can give you medications that are liquids or drops or wafers that can dissolve on your tongue. Sometimes these are easier to give. Let the nurse know.... She may need the medications given around the clock, or longer acting ones so she doesn't have the breakthrough discomfort.

I wish you well.
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Old 02-18-2016, 09:00 PM
 
575 posts, read 851,588 times
Reputation: 542
We lost fil back in 2003, from a botched colonoscopy at the age of 70 something. He was already pretty compromised with Congestive Heart Failure and had previously had some heart attacks and so wasn't in good shape to begin with.

He just couldn't fight back from the rigors of the botched colonoscopy.

We called in Hospice. Brought him home from what was at that point a 1 month stay in the hospital.

Did our best to keep him comfortable, until he passed.

My husband (we live local to where they are) went over and stayed .. siblings came from out of town, and of course his wife, my mil there. They, one of them stayed with him around the clock. Mostly he slept, morphine induced .. but they were a presence, and talked to him and held his hand and assured him he could let go, and that we would be okay, all of us, and we'd look after his wife, dh's mom.

Dh called me, one particular night and said, he didn't know how much longer he was going to hang on, his dad, he thought he might come on home. I told him to stay one more night, just give it one more night. Fil passed the next morning just as the sun was coming up, and they were all by his side.

I have asked hubby, in retrospect, is he glad he was a part of all that, and stayed, and he is.

Hopefully nobody finds fault with you for your wishes that your mom's pain and suffering can end. Most, who have been there, understand completely.
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Old 02-18-2016, 09:40 PM
 
Location: Surprise
17 posts, read 13,250 times
Reputation: 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by reed067 View Post
Mine is 70 now. She's had cancer since she was 27 she made it this far but we always knew that the cancer would come back & finish her off..
I'm almost 10 years older than your mom. I understand how you feel. Keep on keeping on from what you say, she will be at peace soon.
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Old 02-18-2016, 10:15 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,882 posts, read 17,196,676 times
Reputation: 40776
Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
One thing that still really bothers me... I just wish I'd stayed with her, but I had young kids at home and the doctor had said it would take a couple of days. (she had refused to go back to dialysis) My brother was in the house, but no one was holding her hand. That was in 1993 and I still feel guilty.


Please don't feel guilty. I personally have know several families where the loved one waited until they were alone before they passed away. One situation was when my aunt had suffered a massive stroke and was not expected to live. One or more of her children or grandchildren were with her 24 hours each and every day for two weeks in the hospital. The nurses finally convinced my cousin that she should go home and get some rest.


For the first time in two weeks my aunt was alone and passed away within a few minutes after my cousin left the room. My cousin felt horrible that she had left and that no one was with her mother when she died, but the nurses said that some people wait to die until they are alone and that they had suspected that was why my aunt had hung on for so much longer than the doctors had predicted.
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