U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Caregiving
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-31-2016, 03:23 AM
 
Location: Central IL
15,038 posts, read 8,390,770 times
Reputation: 35221

Advertisements

She asks you for money because you matter so little she doesn't care what you think of them...just keep the money coming! But seriously, what will they really lose if you stop helping? Will they truly be out on the street? Your sister is insufferable, please don't cripple your own future and mental health for them.they'll find another life preserver if they have to and you have done more than your fair share...they'll survive one way or another but they'll drown you if you let them. Take care of yourself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-31-2016, 07:35 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,882 posts, read 17,190,006 times
Reputation: 40776
Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Wolves In Snow View Post
Well guess what I saw today? MORE boxes in the giant green recycling garbage can. You've got to be flipping kidding me. It was empty days ago, now it's overflowing...course part of that is because they are too lazy to break the boxes down, but even if they had, it would be almost full..AGAIN...Amazon, Amazon, Amazon...all over those boxes. I just can't even.

No, they do not own the house. They lost their house to foreclosure 3 years ago. They did downsize because they had to, no place to put everything, but there's a garage FULL of stuff that she absolutely refuses to sell. The car doesn't go in to the garage, it's too full of things. I have asked her in the past about selling some of it and she about flipped her lid. Well, if you tell me that you can't pay a bill, or that you don't have enough money to buy food...maybe you should sell some of the stuff that's been sitting in that damn garage for 3 years since ya moved in to your rental.

I gave her some links last night, and I also told her to talk to someone at the hospital about any type of assistance. She got her "b" look on her face that she gets when things get hard for her, but I paid attention to her reaction and what she said when I told her about the links and the person at the hospital. She told me she didn't know who to talk to there, there was no one for her there. So I gave her the titles that you all have shared.

Today, (I don't live in the same part of the house), I get an email from her, with a snotty undertone to it, that she "already" applied for all of the services on those links...um...one of them was food stamps and just the other day, when we were talking about this and I got some info to update here, she told me she had no idea what to do to get food stamps. Hmm. Then she writes that she's already talked to someone at the hospital...this was after yesterday telling me that there was no one there, she didn't know who to talk to.

Does she think I'm stupid? She's fricken lying to me.

Now if she's ineligible for even food stamps due to the 25 hours every two weeks of sick leave for a family of 3, (I told her don't mention me or anything I give her, and her other kid is away at college), because she "makes too much", then she's been lying about how much he made, or how much they are getting right now. Because there's NO WAY that this welfare state would tell someone 25 hours every two weeks is suitable for a family of 3 people, one who cannot work, one who temporarily can't work, one who is a minor. Baloney. Somewhere in there she's lying. Either she's lying to me about the amount they are getting, or she's lying to me about having tried. One way or another, she's not telling the truth.

By the way, he's out of the hospital now, recovering at home, but they have physical therapists, I think it is, coming in a couple times a week, and they go to the hospital a couple of times a week. Well...I'm here all day because I work from home, I'm my own boss. I can hear their car when they leave and come home. I do not hear them leaving a couple of times a week...I do hear people come over about once a week, and they have gone to the hospital twice that I know of since he's been back, but that's it. So wth is going on with all these lies?

Whenever I get money, I give them some. I had a stock that was sold, that I had forgotten about...oh well, but finally claimed, and I gave them a chunk out of that. I have given them other money, and I was able to get them 3 months free cable service because I know how to make legitimate complaints to companies when they aren't giving the service that is being paid for. And that happened, she let me get on the phone to handle it, (shock! She let me do something), and I got them 3 months free of that bill. I have scrubbed the hell out of that house 4 times in the year I've been here, and then I get told I need to give them even more money. Oh, in that nasty little letter, she said, "since you're unemployed". That pissed me off. I am not unemployed. I work every damn day, weekends included. Being my own boss has found me working more than I ever did working for someone else, but she thinks that because I don't go to an actual building, I am "unemployed". So she tells me I need to "get a job" and give themmore money. I about wanted to reach through that email and throttle her.

So I've been giving when I can, and what happens is that I can't save money. I was an idiot, clearly, not knowing there was going to be a crisis every stinking month because they can't manage their money. And it literally has been a crisis every month. It's exhausting to listen to it when you know they could be doing things to fix that. BUT, I figured things would get taken care of and smooth over...I mean, I've seen them buy pizzas, fast food, deli sandwiches, a new car, etc...and then tell me right after how they have no money, give us more. But I've kind of screwed myself here because I've not saved anything myself...whatever I have had has paid my portion and then gone to them. Cause I'm a moron. I thought I was doing good. Turns out, I'm a sucker.

I've suggested that they reach out to family, which I get why that wouldn't do any good, I brought up their pastor the other day, I've brought up all of these people that her kids were telling me about when he was still in ICU, I mean they rattled off all kinds of names...what about them? You're not too afraid to ask me for more, but you won't ask anyone else?

Had I not been so clueless to this when I got here, I would have started saving immediately. As it is right now, I'm actually looking for work outside of home, in addition to what I do as my own boss, so that anything I make outside I save in my bank and they get NONE of it. They can still get something from me, that's fine, but not a penny of it will come from any job I get outside of here, and the reason is, the minute I have enough saved to get out, I'm leaving. Sounds pretty crappy, but enough.


Now that I've heard these lies, now that I've seen the continued ridiculous spending and then telling me I have to give more, I'm over it. Done. I'm not going to with hold any money, I am living here, so yeah, need to give them something, but that's it. I'm not paying their entire rent for them. I'm not paying their cell phone bills. I'm not paying for the cable tv, I don't even watch tv, I'll pay for their internet even though they all benefit, because I do use it for work, and I'll pay for some electricity...which I know how much I use - I've lived on my own long enough, in many states, many cities, it's always the same regardless of kwh charges, I know exactly how much I use because it's not much, and throw in a few extra bucks and that's it. Actually, no, I think I won't throw in a few extra bucks...I think I'll take someone's advice and just buy some of the food...that way that money can't be spent on stupid crap.

I don't know if I'm being a jerk right now, but I am that pissed. When I saw MORE boxes today, and then get that snide little email from her as if I wasted her time with trying to help her...and she tells me the opposite of what she told me yesterday or the day before...you'll have to pardon me if I feel like being a jerk. I'll do what I can for you, but if you treat me like crap, I slam that door on you and never look back.

No, you are not a jerk. You are a loving sibling who is being taken advantage of by your sister & her husband. The fact, that she is telling you to get a job and give them even more money is showing you her true motive about having you live with them. I am so sorry. It really looks like a mess.


Is it possible that you could borrow money from one of your friends so that you could either move out immediately or give 30 day notice of moving out? (Frankly, I would be a little worried about "giving notice" in case they decided to trash your computer or possessions in anger).


Or is there someone who you could move in with on a temporary basis until you save up enough to rent a place on your own? Maybe you could use some of those links and contacts that you found, such as the pastor, or other relatives to help you?


Thank you for sharing. It sounds like an intolerable situation. Good luck.


PS. Can you share some of the information about the wasteful spending and lies with the child who is college? Maybe they can "talk some sense" into their parents. At the minimum, if you tell them the truth at least someone will know the truth once you leave & your sister starts spreading lies about you and "how you deserted her in their hour of need, etc."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2016, 08:34 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,396 posts, read 4,548,757 times
Reputation: 27038
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
She asks you for money because you matter so little she doesn't care what you think of them...just keep the money coming! But seriously, what will they really lose if you stop helping? Will they truly be out on the street? Your sister is insufferable, please don't cripple your own future and mental health for them.they'll find another life preserver if they have to and you have done more than your fair share...they'll survive one way or another but they'll drown you if you let them. Take care of yourself.
I'm wondering if this is what happened with the extended family. That they got tired of "helping" and being an ATM because they saw the money blown on frivolous crap and correctly concluded this was a bottomless pit.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2016, 05:03 PM
 
Location: Out West
22,562 posts, read 16,711,588 times
Reputation: 26120
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
She asks you for money because you matter so little she doesn't care what you think of them...just keep the money coming! But seriously, what will they really lose if you stop helping? Will they truly be out on the street? Your sister is insufferable, please don't cripple your own future and mental health for them.they'll find another life preserver if they have to and you have done more than your fair share...they'll survive one way or another but they'll drown you if you let them. Take care of yourself.
The bolded. That's EXACTLY how she's been making me feel...it does not matter one whit what I think, all that matters is them. Do you know, in the year that I've been here, not once has she asked me how I'm doing? Not a single time. That's something I've stored in the back of my mind, but if you put it all together...you're right. According to them, I do not matter. That's precisely how I feel every day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
No, you are not a jerk. You are a loving sibling who is being taken advantage of by your sister & her husband. The fact, that she is telling you to get a job and give them even more money is showing you her true motive about having you live with them. I am so sorry. It really looks like a mess.


Is it possible that you could borrow money from one of your friends so that you could either move out immediately or give 30 day notice of moving out? (Frankly, I would be a little worried about "giving notice" in case they decided to trash your computer or possessions in anger).


Or is there someone who you could move in with on a temporary basis until you save up enough to rent a place on your own? Maybe you could use some of those links and contacts that you found, such as the pastor, or other relatives to help you?


Thank you for sharing. It sounds like an intolerable situation. Good luck.


PS. Can you share some of the information about the wasteful spending and lies with the child who is college? Maybe they can "talk some sense" into their parents. At the minimum, if you tell them the truth at least someone will know the truth once you leave & your sister starts spreading lies about you and "how you deserted her in their hour of need, etc."
I have no idea who to borrow from...and that's really hard for me to do anyway. I guess this is a hard lesson I get to learn. Save for yourself first, help others after...not feel obligated to give them what you have left over. I've noticed that the only time she is happy to see me, the only time she's laughing and joking with me....is when I've given her money. If she thinks I haven't given enough, she's hostile.

I feel really fricken stupid right now not to have set aside for myself, first. I will not make that mistake again. If I had the means, I would be packing right now....and I literally left everything that I had minus a few clothes, my pets, and my laptops. I literally got rid of all of my stuff before coming here. I could kick myself for being a total idiot.

I was so pissed today...this is not healthy, I know...that I actually started looking up rescues to take my pets in, I would go live in my car, find some wireless signal each day, do my work, stock up the money, and then one day move on. Not really a well thought out plan, plus I couldn't do that to my pets...but I was trying to rationalize it by saying my poor pets are having to witness me this pissed. I haven't been this pissed in a very long time...because I cut negative people out of my life instantly. I wish I knew someone here, or close to here...in this state at the least...but I don't. But I've been looking for any alternative places to go...because I can't go through this that ticked off.

Me being here is not actually doing anything for them. She won't let me do half the things I want to do...she only seems to want money from me. And if it's not enough, according to her, then I get to endure attitude as well. I'd love to know where they are going to go if they end up homeless. The family isn't going to help them. She doesn't work because of her disease, he isn't working right now because he's recovering...so where, exactly, are they going to go? (And this is why I feel like a jerk for wanting to leave right now if I had enough to do that.) She tells me that they don't qualify for anything. Well. What are you going to do, then? I'm not paying those bills.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I'm wondering if this is what happened with the extended family. That they got tired of "helping" and being an ATM because they saw the money blown on frivolous crap and correctly concluded this was a bottomless pit.
Perhaps you're right. I've heard stories from other people in the family. One example story was how disgustingly messy she is. She lied to me and told me that was not true. She would go on her facebook and tell the whole world how much she had cleaned that day. She would do that often. I get here, they knew I was coming so if it was so "embarrassing" one would think you would clean up....no. The second I walked through the door I was appalled. It's not messy, it's disgusting. (At least I live in another part of the house...my saving grace.) There's other stories that have been told that she denies, but there's proof of it.

Her college kid tells me all the time how much my sister loves me, how I mean the world to her, how special I am to her...she doesn't act like it at all...well, I'm special if I give money. Then I'm loved. :: eye roll ::

I get that she's stressed, and I get that money is not coming in like it did...but I'm angry at being blamed for their financial shortcomings, I'm angry that I'm only treated like I'm "ok" if I give them enough money to satisfy them, I'm angry that I'm sitting here eating Top Ramen trying to help, and they're eating fancy, expensive food...and telling me to "get a job" (that has beyond angry) so I can give them more...there's really not a reason for me to be here.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2016, 05:52 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,882 posts, read 17,190,006 times
Reputation: 40776
Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Wolves In Snow View Post
...

I get that she's stressed, and I get that money is not coming in like it did...but I'm angry at being blamed for their financial shortcomings, I'm angry that I'm only treated like I'm "ok" if I give them enough money to satisfy them, I'm angry that I'm sitting here eating Top Ramen trying to help, and they're eating fancy, expensive food...and telling me to "get a job" (that has beyond angry) so I can give them more...there's really not a reason for me to be here.

If you can only afford Ramen than you are obviously giving them too much of your income already.


And, I can not even imagine that your sister has the "balls" to tell you to "get a job" so that you could give her more money. What in the world is she thinking?

You certainly should be blamed for their financial problems. Those problems obviously started long before you moved in, long before your BIL got sick, and really have nothing to do with you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-01-2016, 05:27 AM
 
3,758 posts, read 10,596,841 times
Reputation: 6684
OP:

I'm not sure why you are living with them? Was it a situation where you needed a place to get back on your feet, and they provided it? Or you moved in with them to become closer to your bio sister, who you apparently weren't raised with?

While I'll agree that your sister's financial world seems precarious, that just makes your world much more precarious. Because if they get kicked out - so do you.

Realistically you probably have to pay them some sort of rent/fees for staying there. You need to have a discussion with your sister as to what you make, and what you can afford to pay them (while saving up some money to move out).

If that amount is too little then she can ask you to leave (Which will leave here with less money, so that's probably not likely) and start eviction procedures.

When you moved in with them, were you originally from another area?? You seem to suggest you have no one (no family, no friends) who could temporarily help you out... so that suggests to me you may have moved from one state to another in order to live with them.

This is really no longer about caregiving as much as it is about dysfunctional family relationships (which ultimately are always at the bottom of bad caregiving situations) You may be able to get some good advice in the "relationship" forum beside here.

I suggest you have a frank discussion with your sister as to what you can contribute to the household. It is possible that your money is all she cares about right now, but it's also possible that that is because of the financial stress she and her husband are under. That were you to be away from the situation (financially) you might actually be able to still have some sort of relationship with her.

good luck to you... I'm sorry you're having to endure such a situation, but I am very glad to hear your BIL is home and starting to recover so well.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-02-2016, 11:20 PM
 
Location: Out West
22,562 posts, read 16,711,588 times
Reputation: 26120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Briolat21 View Post
OP:

I'm not sure why you are living with them? Was it a situation where you needed a place to get back on your feet, and they provided it? Or you moved in with them to become closer to your bio sister, who you apparently weren't raised with?

While I'll agree that your sister's financial world seems precarious, that just makes your world much more precarious. Because if they get kicked out - so do you.

Realistically you probably have to pay them some sort of rent/fees for staying there. You need to have a discussion with your sister as to what you make, and what you can afford to pay them (while saving up some money to move out).

If that amount is too little then she can ask you to leave (Which will leave here with less money, so that's probably not likely) and start eviction procedures.

When you moved in with them, were you originally from another area?? You seem to suggest you have no one (no family, no friends) who could temporarily help you out... so that suggests to me you may have moved from one state to another in order to live with them.

This is really no longer about caregiving as much as it is about dysfunctional family relationships (which ultimately are always at the bottom of bad caregiving situations) You may be able to get some good advice in the "relationship" forum beside here.

I suggest you have a frank discussion with your sister as to what you can contribute to the household. It is possible that your money is all she cares about right now, but it's also possible that that is because of the financial stress she and her husband are under. That were you to be away from the situation (financially) you might actually be able to still have some sort of relationship with her.

good luck to you... I'm sorry you're having to endure such a situation, but I am very glad to hear your BIL is home and starting to recover so well.
Yes, I did live in another state. I was quite happy there. My sister asked me to come live with her. You are correct that part of me, apparently now, lived in a fantasy world that it was going to be fantastic. We were not raised together, there is a very horrible history there, I got adopted, she did not. She suffered later, I suffered my first years...which is why I was adopted.

I will admit that my child fantasies got the better of me here. I knew my whole life that I had a sister, but I was very young when I was adopted, and spent the rest of my life longing for my sister. I didn't have a sister in my adopted family, so that might be why the pull was stronger than it was towards my bio brothers. So you spend your entire life longing for someone to be back in your life...we wrote emails, we talked on the phone (after 2001...which is when a private detective linked us together), and while we've had our ups and downs during that time, of course there was that part of me that was still living in that fantasy world of what life could have/would have been had I had my sister to grow up with. I readily admit that. I admit that I was not thinking logically.

My sister has a disease that causes her a lot of pain and problems. It is an incurable disease. My part was not just for us to finally "be sisters" at long last, (and yes, there was a part of me that felt like it was "sticking it" to the two jerks who did what they did), but to help her. It was my chance to do something for her that I didn't get to when we were little. Yes, I admit, I made a stupid decision based on feelings. So yeah, you can definitely put a whole lot of fault on me for it. I sure do.

As for their financial stress...they have always had financial stress. It wasn't talked about much, I just knew that they foreclosed on their home 3 years ago, but other than that, the way she presented it, they were doing okay. I mean, in the past, she had gone to college, got a degree, had her own business...she always talked about all the things they did and I thought that they were doing okay. It wasn't until I got here that I quickly found out that every month is "the worst month ever" regarding finances. When the BIL got sick, and we thought he wasn't going to make it, yeah, my "feelings" took over again. Of course I felt bad for her...of course. But I think that now it's a "take advantage of" thing where as in the past, it was just a matter of "pay a portion" (which is fair, I am not against that, and they deserve that), but it seems like now it's "give us more" than "pay a portion". I don't eat their food, but I get told to buy them food when I go to the store? I don't even their damn food. She lost that one.

When I first got here, I was buying my own food. The fits that she threw because I was buying my own food. She would get upset, she would act hurt that I wouldn't eat her food, I mean, she did not want me buying my own food. On one hand, touching, on the other...a little difficult because I don't eat at 9pm like they do. And everything in the house has to be made from scratch. When I'm hungry, I get food, I eat it, I'm done. She didn't like that. So I ate her food for awhile, then she would get mad at me for some stupid thing and there wouldn't be any food for me to eat. So instead of allowing the conflict that she was wanting, I just went and bought my own. She tried to stuff the fridge full, even told me a few times that there was no room in the fridge for my food, but I found ways to stuff my food in that fridge.

She finally gave up. I buy my own food.

Do you see the pattern here? It's about controlling. What better way to control someone than demand more and more and more? I did not see this at first. I see it bright as day now. Wish I would have seen it early on, or just saved anyway, early on. I mean, when I first got here, I told her how many hours I was going to be working and she got upset at THAT! (You know, since I'm "unemployed...eye roll.) She demanded certain amount of time with me. Well, no, I need to work because I need not only to pay a portion, but I want to save up some money, and now that I'm here, this is the perfect opportunity to save up a nice chunk of change...well, she lost that one, too, because I just worked anyway.

She periodically brings up that she "never sees me", but doesn't complain too much about it because hey, they get extra money! PLUS, I do things in secret so she can't tell me 'no, I'll do it' which to me is more about being a martyr than admitting she can't do something. She sure doesn't mind it after it's done. She just doesn't get the opportunity to stand there and argue with me about it...I took that away from her, too.

Essentially, she wants to control everything, I don't let her control my food, my work time, me doing something for her...so what does she have left? Ask for more money or make all kinds of threats about any of us not having a place to live, or not having internet, (which, she knows I need it to work, there's that word again), or not having electricity...she throws that out there because I am pretty sure that she knows that if I had the funds now, I would have left.

Yeah, I screwed myself. In the beginning because I thought it would be a great opportunity to play sisters like we didn't get as kids, and because I could help her, which she needed, and up to now because I am clearly blind sometimes to what is happening all around me. I do think most of that is because I work a lot and was not paying attention...wasn't focusing on what was happening, was just "doing".

As for family and friends...we have the same "family"...my adopted family is not the type to give help, so no, that's never been an option, EVER. I'm a military brat, my friends are all over the place...surprisingly not in this state, however. Most of them are on the east coast...where I just came from. Would they put me up? I have no idea. I've never asked, nor do I think that I could. My adopted family believes that, "you do what you have to do to survive even if you don't like it" but that doesn't mean asking for help, it means you work 4 jobs, you don't buy anything, (which I really don't buy anything other than necessities), it's never been about, "hey, ask for help if you need it". We never asked for help. I wouldn't even know how to do it. And reality is, I got myself in this mess, I have to get myself out of this mess. And it's a hard lesson - never EVER do anything because you "feel" it would be good, be logical and realistic. Then again, no one ever writes books on how to deal with long lost siblings...you ever notice that? Because it breaks the narrative of "happily ever after" that you see on those talk shows when they hook people up.

Here's the reality.

Anyway, you're quite insightful.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-02-2016, 11:58 PM
 
Location: Out West
22,562 posts, read 16,711,588 times
Reputation: 26120
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
If you can only afford Ramen than you are obviously giving them too much of your income already.


And, I can not even imagine that your sister has the "balls" to tell you to "get a job" so that you could give her more money. What in the world is she thinking?

You certainly should be blamed for their financial problems. Those problems obviously started long before you moved in, long before your BIL got sick, and really have nothing to do with you.
I could afford more, but the point is that yes, I give more than I have to give at this point. Question should also be, "what in the world am I thinking?" Yes, their financial issues started long before I ever got here. They were able to make it because they always managed to pull something together and make it work...even though every single month was a struggle.

They never planned for "worst case scenario". In this case, it wasn't absolute worst case, the BIL made it, but it's "bad place scenario". The umpteen boxes are a clear illustration of how much they don't plan for those scenarios. And the timing of it all...I haven't asked her because I know how she would react, but I wonder, sometimes, if she ever thinks to herself, "If I wouldn't have bought all of that stuff just before this all happened, we'd have the money to...." I have no idea if those thoughts have crossed her mind, or if she conveniently blames me for everything. To my face, it's my fault...but when she's alone...does she ever blame herself for spending all of that money mere days before this happened?

Then I think of those boxes that appeared earlier this week...well, it doesn't take Amazon boxes but a few days to get here, I know she has Prime, so a day or two...which means that she ordered more AFTER all of this. Who does that?! Seriously, who. does. that?!

The only thing she has said in reference to those boxes, and that was about halfway through the whole ordeal, was when I managed to see her on one of her stops home where she would sleep just a few hours, I was asking her what she wanted me to do with all of the stuff, (cause remember, I was trying to keep things clean since her entire world was at the hospital at that time), and she said that she got that stuff "on sale". In her mind, apparently if you don't have the money, it's still okay to buy what you don't need if it's "on sale". And I seriously doubt that everything she got was "on sale", because she got a LOT.

Right now I'm just trying to figure out the best course of action. I give my portion, but how much more do I give that will make her sthu but also allow me to save...and the reason is, it buys me time. I need time to build up enough to leave. I know what the amount is for me, but I have to figure out the point where she's at least not on my arse about it. That's the trick now.

It's easy to say, "turn it off", but right now, I'm in the situation I got myself in by making a stupid decision, and now have to deal with the reality of "keep the peace until you build enough". I'm not giving them $500 at a time ever again, I can tell you that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-03-2016, 07:27 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,303 posts, read 35,841,586 times
Reputation: 62667
Oh, OP, this is so sad. I am sorry that this has been such a disappointment for you.

The good news is that you can get out of this. It may take a few months but you can do it. You don't have to leave right away. I doubt that they can legally actually kick you out willy nilly (or that they would since they get money from you occasionally). You've got to save up some money - could you get a credit card to have as a back up since you don't have savings? Can you get a job in the evenings?

The only thing keeping you "trapped" there is your emotional quagmire. You may have to hunker down and stay there a few more weeks or a couple of months, but I believe you can get out, even if you have to move to a tiny little place.

Just remove yourself emotionally from these insane, dysfunctional people. I know that's hard but you've got to do it. Ignore what they say. Be polite and mildly pleasant and limit your interactions with them. Then get the hell out of Dodge as fast as you can and do not let them suck you back into their vortex again!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-03-2016, 07:47 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,882 posts, read 17,190,006 times
Reputation: 40776
Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Wolves In Snow View Post
Yes, I did live in another state. I was quite happy there. My sister asked me to come live with her. You are correct that part of me, apparently now, lived in a fantasy world that it was going to be fantastic. We were not raised together, there is a very horrible history there, I got adopted, she did not. She suffered later, I suffered my first years...which is why I was adopted.

I will admit that my child fantasies got the better of me here. I knew my whole life that I had a sister, but I was very young when I was adopted, and spent the rest of my life longing for my sister. I didn't have a sister in my adopted family, so that might be why the pull was stronger than it was towards my bio brothers. So you spend your entire life longing for someone to be back in your life...we wrote emails, we talked on the phone (after 2001...which is when a private detective linked us together), and while we've had our ups and downs during that time, of course there was that part of me that was still living in that fantasy world of what life could have/would have been had I had my sister to grow up with. I readily admit that. I admit that I was not thinking logically.

My sister has a disease that causes her a lot of pain and problems. It is an incurable disease. My part was not just for us to finally "be sisters" at long last, (and yes, there was a part of me that felt like it was "sticking it" to the two jerks who did what they did), but to help her. It was my chance to do something for her that I didn't get to when we were little. Yes, I admit, I made a stupid decision based on feelings. So yeah, you can definitely put a whole lot of fault on me for it. I sure do.

As for their financial stress...they have always had financial stress. It wasn't talked about much, I just knew that they foreclosed on their home 3 years ago, but other than that, the way she presented it, they were doing okay. I mean, in the past, she had gone to college, got a degree, had her own business...she always talked about all the things they did and I thought that they were doing okay. It wasn't until I got here that I quickly found out that every month is "the worst month ever" regarding finances. When the BIL got sick, and we thought he wasn't going to make it, yeah, my "feelings" took over again. Of course I felt bad for her...of course. But I think that now it's a "take advantage of" thing where as in the past, it was just a matter of "pay a portion" (which is fair, I am not against that, and they deserve that), but it seems like now it's "give us more" than "pay a portion". I don't eat their food, but I get told to buy them food when I go to the store? I don't even their damn food. She lost that one.

When I first got here, I was buying my own food. The fits that she threw because I was buying my own food. She would get upset, she would act hurt that I wouldn't eat her food, I mean, she did not want me buying my own food. On one hand, touching, on the other...a little difficult because I don't eat at 9pm like they do. And everything in the house has to be made from scratch. When I'm hungry, I get food, I eat it, I'm done. She didn't like that. So I ate her food for awhile, then she would get mad at me for some stupid thing and there wouldn't be any food for me to eat. So instead of allowing the conflict that she was wanting, I just went and bought my own. She tried to stuff the fridge full, even told me a few times that there was no room in the fridge for my food, but I found ways to stuff my food in that fridge.

She finally gave up. I buy my own food.

Do you see the pattern here? It's about controlling. What better way to control someone than demand more and more and more? I did not see this at first. I see it bright as day now. Wish I would have seen it early on, or just saved anyway, early on. I mean, when I first got here, I told her how many hours I was going to be working and she got upset at THAT! (You know, since I'm "unemployed...eye roll.) She demanded certain amount of time with me. Well, no, I need to work because I need not only to pay a portion, but I want to save up some money, and now that I'm here, this is the perfect opportunity to save up a nice chunk of change...well, she lost that one, too, because I just worked anyway.

She periodically brings up that she "never sees me", but doesn't complain too much about it because hey, they get extra money! PLUS, I do things in secret so she can't tell me 'no, I'll do it' which to me is more about being a martyr than admitting she can't do something. She sure doesn't mind it after it's done. She just doesn't get the opportunity to stand there and argue with me about it...I took that away from her, too.

Essentially, she wants to control everything, I don't let her control my food, my work time, me doing something for her...so what does she have left? Ask for more money or make all kinds of threats about any of us not having a place to live, or not having internet, (which, she knows I need it to work, there's that word again), or not having electricity...she throws that out there because I am pretty sure that she knows that if I had the funds now, I would have left.

Yeah, I screwed myself. In the beginning because I thought it would be a great opportunity to play sisters like we didn't get as kids, and because I could help her, which she needed, and up to now because I am clearly blind sometimes to what is happening all around me. I do think most of that is because I work a lot and was not paying attention...wasn't focusing on what was happening, was just "doing".

As for family and friends...we have the same "family"...my adopted family is not the type to give help, so no, that's never been an option, EVER. I'm a military brat, my friends are all over the place...surprisingly not in this state, however. Most of them are on the east coast...where I just came from. Would they put me up? I have no idea. I've never asked, nor do I think that I could. My adopted family believes that, "you do what you have to do to survive even if you don't like it" but that doesn't mean asking for help, it means you work 4 jobs, you don't buy anything, (which I really don't buy anything other than necessities), it's never been about, "hey, ask for help if you need it". We never asked for help. I wouldn't even know how to do it. And reality is, I got myself in this mess, I have to get myself out of this mess. And it's a hard lesson - never EVER do anything because you "feel" it would be good, be logical and realistic. Then again, no one ever writes books on how to deal with long lost siblings...you ever notice that? Because it breaks the narrative of "happily ever after" that you see on those talk shows when they hook people up.

Here's the reality.

Anyway, you're quite insightful.

Thank you for the update.

I love my sister dearly. Ironically, in a way we never really grow up doing sisterly things together because I was only in early elementary school when she left home and went away to college. But as adults we were/are extremely close.

I may have a couple of ideas or suggestions for you to try or at least some input that may be helpful. I am assuming that you have a job that you can do where ever you have an internet connection, correct? Or is your job connected to the city or state where you are now living? Also, can you give me/us roughly how old you are? Not that I am nosy, but some ideas that may work well for someone in their 20s, early 30s or 40s but may not work as well or even be a bad idea for someone nearing or in retirement age.

Also, how many and what type of pets do you have? Again, suggestions that may work fine for someone with a cat or two and/or a small dog may be a terrible idea for someone who loves and is responsible for two or three large dogs.

If you answer these questions I promise to get back to you with my ideas. I have a lot of things going on today so it probably will be a few hours but I am thinking about you and wishing the best for you. And I am sure that many others are doing the same.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Caregiving
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:44 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top