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Old 03-06-2016, 08:42 AM
 
1 posts, read 1,895 times
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I am not sure what we should do. I am 22 and my husband is 26, we have been married for almost 2 years. Recently, we moved out of our old home and purchased a new one, with absolutely no help from anyone else. My husband's grandfather moved in with us. It is not that he needs to live with anyone; he is mobile and self-sufficient. He had had a Mobile home for a long time but had sold it and needed a place to live. His son had taken him in and he lived with him for 2 years until he was moved out, to our home. He has another son and daughter that could take him but wont. I am so fed up with living with him that I can no longer take it. He is constantly snotty and in a bad mood. After a long hard day at work, he makes me not want to come home. I've talked to my husband and he agrees that his grandfather is putting too much stress on our marriage. We both are always in bad moods, never want to be home, and fight. (I know we only fight when he is around because he's been in the hospital with an infection for 2 months and we haven't fought once). Having him live with us is a lot of stress with us being so young, plus we just bought this house and cannot enjoy it. What do I do??
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:54 AM
 
293 posts, read 436,248 times
Reputation: 1318
You don't say how your husband's grandfather ended up living with you to begin with. Somebody must have agreed to this (maybe under pressure), and now you're stuck unless you make your dis-agreement known and heard by the grandfather and the rest of the family. Your husband needs to put his foot down. Are you okay with being the bad guy? Can he say "This is just too stressful for my wife - I'm afraid she'll leave me unless we get grandfather out of our home." Whatever reasons you and he choose to give, your husband needs to hand this responsibility back to whoever handed it to him.
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:57 AM
 
6,620 posts, read 3,808,260 times
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Is he still in the hospital? If so, don't let him come back to your home. Consult with the discharge planner (social worker) at the hospital and explain that he can't come back to your home. Do this immediately and be firm about it. They are obligated to help him make other arrangements and apply for medicaid, etc., if he needs financial help. Be sure you do not let him come back under any circumstance. It sounds like the rest of the family has just dumped him on you.

Last edited by Harpaint; 03-06-2016 at 09:42 AM..
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Old 03-06-2016, 09:17 AM
 
Location: Leaving fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada
3,855 posts, read 6,849,742 times
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How old is grandpa?
What is the plan for discharge? If he has been in the hospital for two months, he will probably need a transition plan for his release and he will not be as independent as he was prior to being admitted.
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Old 03-06-2016, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,500 posts, read 5,037,462 times
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Is grandpa disabled or feeble? Can he work? Go to a senior center? Hang out at the hardware store around the checkers game? How about just talking to Grandpa? Say "Your poor manners and grumpy mood are a real downer to be around. Is there anything I can do to lighten your day?" If he says no, ask him to work on his attitude. Give him chores to do. Or a jigsaw puzzle. In other words, build your relationship with him as an adult. Just because he's old doesn't mean he has to be put on a pedestal. I suspect you've been taking cues for your relationship with grandpa from your husband. Meet grandpa on your own terms.

I think we do our elders a disservice when we assume they can't take responsibility for their own needs/emotions. Maybe he just doesn't realize how he comes across?
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Old 03-06-2016, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,888 posts, read 17,203,069 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
Is he still in the hospital? If so, don't let him come back to your home. Consult with the discharge planner (social worker) at the hospital and explain that he can't come back to your home. Do this immediately and be firm about it. They are obligated to help him make other arrangements and apply for medicaid, etc., if he needs financial help. Be sure you do not let him come back under any circumstance. It sounds like the rest of the family has just dumped him on you.

Good points.


The hospital literally can not say "he has to return to your house". He has to have permission from the two of you to live there and if you do not give permission the hospital can not just send him there. (Of course, there may be some legal issues because he is probably now considered a "tenant" or a "resident" in your home but the hospital will not deal with that matter).

From your post it appears that the family just "dumped him on you" and that is not fair. It would be a completely different story if your husband voluntarily asked his grandpa and wanted his grandpa to live with the two of you and discussed this with you in advance and you agreed. This does not appear to have happened.

Good luck.

Last edited by germaine2626; 03-06-2016 at 12:21 PM..
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Old 03-06-2016, 11:53 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 22,540,496 times
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Its great to help Pops out, but when it starts causing stress in the marriage, its time to look at other options!
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Old 03-06-2016, 12:19 PM
 
12,984 posts, read 15,324,923 times
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You're too young for that. It was hard for my husband and I and we were in our 50s, and if you were my 22 year old, I would make sure YOU didn't end up with him. He needs to go back to the son he was living with before. Your husband needs to tell his family the two of you can't have him living with you.


I agree with talking to the discharge planner; let them know some other arrangements need to be made for his discharge. Tell them to contact his sons and daughter about his discharge disposition. One of them will have to step up or make arrangements for him.
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Old 03-06-2016, 01:18 PM
 
16,992 posts, read 20,598,336 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
Is he still in the hospital? If so, don't let him come back to your home. Consult with the discharge planner (social worker) at the hospital and explain that he can't come back to your home. Do this immediately and be firm about it. They are obligated to help him make other arrangements and apply for medicaid, etc., if he needs financial help. Be sure you do not let him come back under any circumstance. It sounds like the rest of the family has just dumped him on you.

This. You tell the hospital you cannot take him home. Than you have a family meeting with your husband's father and his siblings and let them figure out a solution. He is THEIR FATHER.

Quote:
Originally Posted by luzianne View Post
You're too young for that. It was hard for my husband and I and we were in our 50s, and if you were my 22 year old, I would make sure YOU didn't end up with him. He needs to go back to the son he was living with before. Your husband needs to tell his family the two of you can't have him living with you.


I agree with talking to the discharge planner; let them know some other arrangements need to be made for his discharge. Tell them to contact his sons and daughter about his discharge disposition. One of them will have to step up or make arrangements for him.
Exactly, I took care of my parents but they weren't difficult people(but it is still hard) and I was in my late 40s. I can't imagine dealing with this at 22 and 26, it's not right. Certainly not when grandpa's "children" aren't lifting a finger.
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Old 03-06-2016, 01:26 PM
 
Location: Pahoa Hawaii
2,082 posts, read 4,715,280 times
Reputation: 2766
You say he's snotty and in a bad mood- those are signs of dementia. If you're not proactive now he could become a danger to himself and others. Try to have a "family meeting". If the inlaws won't do that, get social services involved before you both go nuts or somebody gets hurt. Been there, done that.
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