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Old 03-08-2016, 10:18 PM
 
4,948 posts, read 16,484,538 times
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Just say No and say if needed I will if time help you. Also it will be on my time and let the rest pick up your job. I love Boston for history and fall is best there
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Old 03-09-2016, 12:00 AM
 
3,145 posts, read 3,070,383 times
Reputation: 3575
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
I'm really sorry for the length of that post. If no one reads it, I'll understand. I need to book an appointment with a psychologist. Sheeze!
Well, I read it and I'm amazed! You are a really good daughter, and you're being as responsible as possible. You don't seem to have much support about your feelings because your mum apparently shows her nasty side mostly to you.

I had a very difficult mother who was a "functioning" mental case most of her life. She could really fool people and she had a very charming side. I was the one who ended up handling her affairs in her last years because she lived close to me, but my older sister and brother understood how crazy she was, and was very grateful I was taking most of the tasks on. I was never ever criticized by family members.

You've had a very challenging time to put it mildly, but I commend you for not abandoning her...and to be honest I wouldn't blame you if you did if it came down to your own mental and physical health.

Best of luck to you!
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Old 03-09-2016, 05:34 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,370 posts, read 35,864,624 times
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Rereading a book on personal boundaries and feeling more in control of the situation.
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Old 03-09-2016, 05:59 AM
 
3,758 posts, read 10,600,166 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Thanks for the vote of confidence! I am thinking just a counselor, not a psychiatrist or psychologist and not for any sort of prescription. Heck I may just reread some books about boundaries and taking responsibility for only our own actions - I need a refresher course apparently!

That includes my relationship with my daughter. I don't need an argument with her so she's going to have to carry both sides of it if she's inclined to throw down the gauntlet. I'm not picking it up. Ain't nobody got time fo dat!
I don't think anyone here thinks you need a psychiatrist!

The purpose of a counselor is to have someone to talk to, where you can start to understand your own behaviors and think of things in a way that perhaps you haven't before.

For some people, it can really unlock new perspectives and allow them new insight that makes a meaningful difference. For others who are truly quite introspective already, it may just be an objective third party that they can vent to, who won't get drawn into whatever drama is occuring.

Sure, you pay for it, but it can be money very well spent.

Venting to people in the situation is rarely good, as they have their own perspectives/biases/wishes and it can cause defensive behavior or lashing out (see your daughter's behavior). That's why sometimes it's nice to go talk to a neutral 3rd party.

Sure, you have that (to some degree) here... but of course we all could be stark raving mad, and since most of us have had some caregiving experiences, most of us are biased in one way or another ourselves and likely not going to be truly objective about what you're saying.

That said - I'm sure a book on boundaries (if you know that's an issue of yours) is not going to hurt.

Glad your mom's surgery went so well and that physically she should be capable of a decent recovery.
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Old 03-09-2016, 06:00 AM
 
Location: Dothan AL
1,450 posts, read 871,092 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Thanks for the vote of confidence! I am thinking just a counselor, not a psychiatrist or psychologist and not for any sort of prescription. Heck I may just reread some books about boundaries and taking responsibility for only our own actions - I need a refresher course apparently!

That includes my relationship with my daughter. I don't need an argument with her so she's going to have to carry both sides of it if she's inclined to throw down the gauntlet. I'm not picking it up. Ain't nobody got time fo dat!
That would be the best plan, let her go though this alone, as that is really what she wants. Think of the mother-daughter dynamic, all the reasons and answers are there.

If you do see a counselor it would be only advice, someone to bounce your thoughts off, as you have all the answers, and in time it will come to you. Best pick a female, your age, or her age.
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Old 03-09-2016, 06:15 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
36,960 posts, read 45,404,903 times
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I am sorry Kathryn. This too, shall pass.

Your children behaved badly, and they should understand things better after your father talked to them. Their job should be to support you. I think they should be kept at arms length unless they can be part of the solution, and not part of the problem. Maybe just skip Easter, unless they invite you to one of their houses, because you have too much on your plate right now. Your mother's care is between your father and you. Your children have no business in the mix.

There is nothing wrong with knocking back some wine to smooth out the rough spots. You can always check yourself into Betty Ford later, it would be a nice rest for you, LOL.
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Old 03-09-2016, 06:41 AM
 
Location: In a chartreuse microbus
3,853 posts, read 5,288,340 times
Reputation: 8011
I haven't weighed in until now, only because I've really no better advice to give. Kathryn, you have much support here, and admiration to be sure. Let me only add to what the others have said, and wish you peace, love and lots of energy to endure. Blessings.
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Old 03-09-2016, 06:56 AM
 
Location: Location: Location
6,343 posts, read 7,796,693 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
You know, you have a good point! I do feel sane. I do believe that my feelings are justified and normal. I guess, like you say, I really just need to vent.

I also do want to be sure to do the right thing, to be gracious, to be as loving and simply GOOD as I can be. Sometimes I do think we get tunnel vision - maybe I'm missing something I could be doing to be better able to handle this whole thing - not just my mom's situation, but my own emotions and how to navigate these situations.

And yes, my husband has been absolutely WONDERFUL. After the horrible day with my mom, and then the accusations from my kids, and my shocked and dismayed and self doubting response to it all, he put his arms around me and said, "I've never known you to tell a lie. You have never let me or anyone I love down. You're a strong, good hearted woman. I've got your back and anyone who isn't supportive of you will have to deal with me at this point." That meant a lot to me.

Then he bought me a massage - and I enjoyed every minute of that yesterday.

My dad is also really supportive of me and appreciative - but you know, I can't ask much of him in the way of helping with my burdens because God knows he has his own right now, and I feel I need to help HIM. But he's pretty put out at my adult kids too - he thinks they're being extremely judgmental and self righteous. He said, "Good grief, how much time have they spent helping out - a 30 minute visit and cheering while their grandmother does 6 knee bends is nice but it's nothing compared to the day in, day out care that you and I have been giving her."

Good luck, by the way, with your husband's situation. I am very sorry to hear about his lay off.

My husband works in the oil and gas industry, and I haven't even mentioned that in the midst of all this, he had to either accept a pay cut or be laid off (last week in fact, the day before my mom fell). Now - I'm very grateful he has a job, don't get me wrong. I am SO sorry you and your husband are dealing with a complete lay off - that is definitely stressful. We have been scared to death that my husband will get laid off - and I'm not saying it still won't happen - but so far so good. I haven't been working for the past three years - I quit work partly in order to take care of elderly parents, though I really didn't realize that work would be literally non stop for years, with no end in sight.

One "good" thing about my mom's accident is that since it happened, I literally haven't even thought about that pay cut - I honestly forgot about it till you mentioned that your husband was laid off. I was like, "Oh yeah - wait a minute...."

I hope things line out for you and your family.

Kathryn, Dad needs to say this to the "kids". They need to get a dose of "don't waltz in here and think you fixed anything when Kathryn and I are the ones standing knee-deep in the trench."


Jeeze, the soap opera that has been your life for the last year is filled with sub-plots, and now it's the kids thinking about how selfish you are. Why don't you show them? Take that mini vaca with the hubs and let them handle Mom. You deserve it. You worked hard for it. Take it.


Now that Mom is able to gloat about how she "put you in your place", indicates she's well enough that your absence for a few days isn't going to matter much in her recovery. Time for you to recover as well.
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Old 03-09-2016, 07:27 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,370 posts, read 35,864,624 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
I am sorry Kathryn. This too, shall pass.

Your children behaved badly, and they should understand things better after your father talked to them. Their job should be to support you. I think they should be kept at arms length unless they can be part of the solution, and not part of the problem. Maybe just skip Easter, unless they invite you to one of their houses, because you have too much on your plate right now. Your mother's care is between your father and you. Your children have no business in the mix.

There is nothing wrong with knocking back some wine to smooth out the rough spots. You can always check yourself into Betty Ford later, it would be a nice rest for you, LOL.
HHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!

I agree with every bit of this, and I am so thankful that my husband and my dad "have my back." I was just discussing Easter with my mom - she should be home and she fully expects everyone to come over. Now that I've gotten my head around the inappropriateness of my daughter's actions - making a bad situation worse and ironically making it "all about her feelings" (while accusing me of that very thing), I'm more and more OK with just sitting Easter out entirely. I hate that for the kids though so what I'll probably do is make a showing, with some Easter candy for the kids and a tulip arrangement, and then just say, "Well, gotta go! Y'all have a great afternoon!" and just leave. No cooking a big meal for everyone, arranging Easter egg hunts, waiting hand and foot on my mom and everyone else - let them handle all that. My dad can go buy a ham and pick up some side dishes at the local cafeteria the day before. Or better yet - my daughter can come over and cook for them!

Yes. I like that idea. Then I can go home, and enjoy a couple of glasses of wine and catch up on Downton Abbey! That is sounding like an absolutely fabulous plan to me.

No guilt.

Last edited by KathrynAragon; 03-09-2016 at 07:42 AM..
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Old 03-09-2016, 07:36 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,370 posts, read 35,864,624 times
Reputation: 62726
Quote:
Originally Posted by theatergypsy View Post
Kathryn, Dad needs to say this to the "kids". They need to get a dose of "don't waltz in here and think you fixed anything when Kathryn and I are the ones standing knee-deep in the trench."


Jeeze, the soap opera that has been your life for the last year is filled with sub-plots, and now it's the kids thinking about how selfish you are. Why don't you show them? Take that mini vaca with the hubs and let them handle Mom. You deserve it. You worked hard for it. Take it.


Now that Mom is able to gloat about how she "put you in your place", indicates she's well enough that your absence for a few days isn't going to matter much in her recovery. Time for you to recover as well.
Amen and amen. The weather here is awful and heavy storms are forecast for the next three days. We've already had two tornado warnings in the past ten hours and now we're under a flood warning (the creek right across the street from my house jumped the banks this morning and the road looked like a river! So glad our house is elevated and so far so good). I called my mom and had a pleasant conversation with her and told her that I didn't think I needed to get out in this, and she even said, "Tell your dad I don't want him driving in this either!" Boundary lessons - I told her, "Call him and let him know that - he'll like that you're thinking of his well being."

I made myself a pot of coffee and I'm going to stay home all day today and probably tomorrow, and it's going to be great. Oh - I may venture out and buy a bottle of wine - LOL! But that's just around the corner.

I can hardly wait for Easter now - it will be the first holiday in years, maybe even decades, that I haven't hosted the event. Planned it, spent several hundred dollars on food, cleaned the house from top to bottom, cooked everything, set up elaborate table settings with fine china and crystal, cleaned up nearly everything, and kept everyone's coffee and tea and wine glasses filled with a smile on my face the entire time. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy hosting parties and events and holidays. But I'm mad enough this go 'round to let someone else do it and basically just skip out on it after a fifteen minute showing for the kids' sake. I'm not even going to eat with them!

Hey, I just realized that my daughter can stop at the ATM and get money to put in the Easter eggs (a family tradition) if she wants that little perk to go down. Four kids...hmmmmm...she'll be out at least $60 or so. On top of the ham dinner - and the dishes - and all the other fun of hosting a meal for a crowd.

Wow - the more I think about this plan, the better I like it!

Does this make me a bad person? (PS - I'm OK with it if it does.)
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