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Old 03-24-2016, 05:40 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,134,049 times
Reputation: 3143

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Thank you all for the suggestions, I think she would be very happy in a senior housing community, she says she loves going to the senior center and she and a group of widows are talking about getting together. I truly hope she follows through but as the saying goes "the proof is in the pudding." I hear lots of talk from her but very little follow through. To be honest my mother needs someone to take care of and even with her health restrictions, she would probably flourish in that environment, but she can't do that from her bedroom.
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Old 03-24-2016, 05:42 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,134,049 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetana3 View Post
Just wanted to add another comment for a housing situation that includes socialization. Being able to talk to others who are in similar shape/age/interests is as important to seniors as it is for any age.

There are apartments you can rent in senior communities and then have a service provide what your mother needs or there are assisted living communities where they start with meals and housekeeping and work up with other services. They don't have to require nursing services to enter.

So different from years ago. Make sure you check them out since the services and costs will be all over the place.
Our only issue is that we live in a very small community so options are limited but I am definitely going to be checking things out.
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Old 03-24-2016, 05:53 AM
 
Location: Evansville, IN
194 posts, read 319,192 times
Reputation: 440
I don't post much, but lurk on this board. I'm sorry you've had a rough period; go ahead & vent, I completely understand how you feel! I've read about your situation, that Mom lives with you & your family. Do you think that, to get her to move, you'll need to employ some tough love? At the risk of being attacked, I just don't believe that even our parents should be allowed to turn our lives upside down.

Maybe you could have a little heart-to-heart with her & set up a plan with a deadline, to move her to assisted living? And don't pay any attention to the whiny voice! lol!
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Old 03-24-2016, 06:45 AM
 
4,127 posts, read 13,253,194 times
Reputation: 3756
Periodically they check the chip to make sure the machine is being used for a minimum of a certain # of hours, otherwise insurance won't pay (if one is using it haphazardly here and there, they want consistency which is better overall). New technology is amazing. It's easy to forget to put it back on if one gets up in the middle of the nite to go to the bathroom and is half asleep getting back into bed especially when first getting used to it, but in time it becomes a routine and is easy-peasy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jamary1 View Post
My CPAP has a computer chip in it that I am supposed to bring to the doctor at my next appointment so he can read my usage. Maybe hers has one and you can have it read at the office to see if she is using it.
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Old 03-24-2016, 07:14 AM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,587,779 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cb at sea View Post
CPAP isn't going to help her issues...just another cost and another machine to deal with. I'd say 80% of folks with CPAPS hate them, and don't use them at all. They are intrusive and uncomfortable, unless you REALLY want to make it work...

My father used one, and while it was uncomfortable at first, the sleep he got by using it was so restful that it was worth it, and he wouldn't go anywhere without it.
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Old 03-24-2016, 07:15 AM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,587,779 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
Thank you all for the suggestions, I think she would be very happy in a senior housing community, she says she loves going to the senior center and she and a group of widows are talking about getting together. I truly hope she follows through but as the saying goes "the proof is in the pudding." I hear lots of talk from her but very little follow through. To be honest my mother needs someone to take care of and even with her health restrictions, she would probably flourish in that environment, but she can't do that from her bedroom.

Can you take her to a few as an outing so she can check them out?
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Old 03-24-2016, 07:34 AM
 
10,604 posts, read 14,113,193 times
Reputation: 17197
Ok I quickly read some of your previous threads and yes, your mom definitely has some neurological things going on. It may or may not be traditional dementia but mini strokes or something. Same symptoms though.

Tactful explanation

So this idea of living in independent living may not be possible. An ALF, yes. "All" that takes is money. Because in Independent Living even paying for caregivers to "come in" and check on her, she can still set a fire by mistake or whatnot. Not all Independent Living places have on site people to catch things. Some do. Some even have their own agencies you can contract with for caregiving help. But those communities usually also have ALF and SKILLED on the premises. Those are usually better and they can even give her a wrist band to press for emergency help.

Her symptoms so far, rule that possibility IN.

Try and find a facility co-located with MEMORY CARE because she will likely progress past the point of simply putting trash in the wrong place, or cups or whatever. Right NOW she is not a candidate for Memory Care and it should be a last resort. But the transition is easier for her and the family if you know it's available and how they operate, they get to know the family, etc.

Combine this with her CHF and whatever other problems she has she PROBABLY should go to a place that has SKILLED CARE on site. Memory care is NOT usually under skilled care in the same facility and same campuses or companies don't even offer skilled care.

I think that's a rather new concept. Combining Memory Care in Skilled Care organizations.

However here in FL where I work, there are a couple of places who do - who have SKILLED CARE for people with Memory Care needs and/or physical care needs like transferring, heart, cancer, whatever....They all live together in the same "building" or same campus. I guess they call it "aging on place" First you can go to Independent and contract for what help you need if any. THEN you have access to memory care or skilled care if you need it down the line.

ALSO it's illegal to actually "make her" do anything in Independent or an ALF. She still has the right to refuse taking meds and can simply leave at will and the care givers usually lack the skills to convince her otherwise unless the place also has Memory Care services and trained aids.

The FIRST questions will be if she needs help with ADLs activities of daily living. Showering and bathroom, etc. THAT determines the plan, too. You know...showering is one of the FIRST problems in dementia. (just sayin')

I'm posting after reading you say that you really didn't have proper care as a child and that your relationship was disconnected.

I was in your same position and it's not fun.

My mother locked herself in the bathroom to check her blood for diabetes so I wouldn't be able to know about it and she went into about 9 diabetic comas in a year.

Couldn't have CARED LESS about the havoc it created for anyone else. (she had a few problems all physical - 5 graft bypass, CHF, diabetes....not dementia but a life long "loner" from depression era childhood)

Even my son, her grandson, who was probably the ONLY person in the world she "cared about" got treated miserably.

She caused her own stroke in the end...by REFUSING STUBBORNLY to listen to me and going off her blood thinners. Rotted in a SNF for a year before dying.


So just remember YOU are simply related to her by a quirk of NATURE being born to her. She's still a separate person who was born alone and will die alone. It's not our fault how other people came to be however they are.

You can only do so much. Don't argue, don't cajole, don't debate anything. Don't reinforce negative things. It REALLY doesn't matter WHAT she says because she has no control of her future heath status and whatever happens will happen regardless of words. Her brain will see to it that she either makes good or bad choices like it's a separate "entity" fighting her all the way.

As you probably know, treating depression is a crap shoot at best in a senior and a senior with health problems on top of it.

Usually this FEAR is based on health things. Like a UTI or dementia or something like that.

Also post surgery (dont' know if she had surgery or not) but it's not unusual.

The whiny voice IS a rule in for neurological AND even dememtia-Altzheimers patients very commonly lose their voice and whisper in later stages (I know she's not, I'm just saying VOICE is connected to the BRAIN)

Neurological patients' BRAINS are Academy Award Winning actors. They can make you think they're much more NORMAL than they are.

And it's very NORMAL for family members to not really see what's going on because of life long dynamics complicating the picture.

Last edited by runswithscissors; 03-24-2016 at 08:04 AM..
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Old 03-24-2016, 09:52 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,134,049 times
Reputation: 3143
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachdiver View Post
I don't post much, but lurk on this board. I'm sorry you've had a rough period; go ahead & vent, I completely understand how you feel! I've read about your situation, that Mom lives with you & your family. Do you think that, to get her to move, you'll need to employ some tough love? At the risk of being attacked, I just don't believe that even our parents should be allowed to turn our lives upside down.

Maybe you could have a little heart-to-heart with her & set up a plan with a deadline, to move her to assisted living? And don't pay any attention to the whiny voice! lol!
Yes in her situation, IF we can rule out any neurological issues then tough love will be what it takes. I have to get to the point that her negative impact on my life is such that I am willing to live with the consequences of my decisions and actions, right now not there yet but once we see what the doctors diagnose, then I will be better able to make these tough decisions.
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Old 03-24-2016, 09:55 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,134,049 times
Reputation: 3143
Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors View Post
Ok I quickly read some of your previous threads and yes, your mom definitely has some neurological things going on. It may or may not be traditional dementia but mini strokes or something. Same symptoms though.

Tactful explanation

So this idea of living in independent living may not be possible. An ALF, yes. "All" that takes is money. Because in Independent Living even paying for caregivers to "come in" and check on her, she can still set a fire by mistake or whatnot. Not all Independent Living places have on site people to catch things. Some do. Some even have their own agencies you can contract with for caregiving help. But those communities usually also have ALF and SKILLED on the premises. Those are usually better and they can even give her a wrist band to press for emergency help.

Her symptoms so far, rule that possibility IN.

Try and find a facility co-located with MEMORY CARE because she will likely progress past the point of simply putting trash in the wrong place, or cups or whatever. Right NOW she is not a candidate for Memory Care and it should be a last resort. But the transition is easier for her and the family if you know it's available and how they operate, they get to know the family, etc.

Combine this with her CHF and whatever other problems she has she PROBABLY should go to a place that has SKILLED CARE on site. Memory care is NOT usually under skilled care in the same facility and same campuses or companies don't even offer skilled care.

I think that's a rather new concept. Combining Memory Care in Skilled Care organizations.

However here in FL where I work, there are a couple of places who do - who have SKILLED CARE for people with Memory Care needs and/or physical care needs like transferring, heart, cancer, whatever....They all live together in the same "building" or same campus. I guess they call it "aging on place" First you can go to Independent and contract for what help you need if any. THEN you have access to memory care or skilled care if you need it down the line.

ALSO it's illegal to actually "make her" do anything in Independent or an ALF. She still has the right to refuse taking meds and can simply leave at will and the care givers usually lack the skills to convince her otherwise unless the place also has Memory Care services and trained aids.

The FIRST questions will be if she needs help with ADLs activities of daily living. Showering and bathroom, etc. THAT determines the plan, too. You know...showering is one of the FIRST problems in dementia. (just sayin')

I'm posting after reading you say that you really didn't have proper care as a child and that your relationship was disconnected.

I was in your same position and it's not fun.

My mother locked herself in the bathroom to check her blood for diabetes so I wouldn't be able to know about it and she went into about 9 diabetic comas in a year.

Couldn't have CARED LESS about the havoc it created for anyone else. (she had a few problems all physical - 5 graft bypass, CHF, diabetes....not dementia but a life long "loner" from depression era childhood)

Even my son, her grandson, who was probably the ONLY person in the world she "cared about" got treated miserably.

She caused her own stroke in the end...by REFUSING STUBBORNLY to listen to me and going off her blood thinners. Rotted in a SNF for a year before dying.


So just remember YOU are simply related to her by a quirk of NATURE being born to her. She's still a separate person who was born alone and will die alone. It's not our fault how other people came to be however they are.

You can only do so much. Don't argue, don't cajole, don't debate anything. Don't reinforce negative things. It REALLY doesn't matter WHAT she says because she has no control of her future heath status and whatever happens will happen regardless of words. Her brain will see to it that she either makes good or bad choices like it's a separate "entity" fighting her all the way.

As you probably know, treating depression is a crap shoot at best in a senior and a senior with health problems on top of it.

Usually this FEAR is based on health things. Like a UTI or dementia or something like that.

Also post surgery (dont' know if she had surgery or not) but it's not unusual.

The whiny voice IS a rule in for neurological AND even dememtia-Altzheimers patients very commonly lose their voice and whisper in later stages (I know she's not, I'm just saying VOICE is connected to the BRAIN)

Neurological patients' BRAINS are Academy Award Winning actors. They can make you think they're much more NORMAL than they are.

And it's very NORMAL for family members to not really see what's going on because of life long dynamics complicating the picture.
This is why everything is so difficult right now, that is not to say if there is a positive diagnosis of dementia that everything won't be difficult, but at least I will know there is a reason for her actions as opposed to she is doing it to manipulate and control me. Guilt has been her MO in regards to controlling me and I know that I am the only one who can break that control. So we wait another couple of weeks for that appointment.
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Old 03-24-2016, 10:28 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,134,049 times
Reputation: 3143
Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors View Post
Ok I quickly read some of your previous threads and yes, your mom definitely has some neurological things going on. It may or may not be traditional dementia but mini strokes or something. Same symptoms though.

Tactful explanation

So this idea of living in independent living may not be possible. An ALF, yes. "All" that takes is money. Because in Independent Living even paying for caregivers to "come in" and check on her, she can still set a fire by mistake or whatnot. Not all Independent Living places have on site people to catch things. Some do. Some even have their own agencies you can contract with for caregiving help. But those communities usually also have ALF and SKILLED on the premises. Those are usually better and they can even give her a wrist band to press for emergency help.

Her symptoms so far, rule that possibility IN.

Try and find a facility co-located with MEMORY CARE because she will likely progress past the point of simply putting trash in the wrong place, or cups or whatever. Right NOW she is not a candidate for Memory Care and it should be a last resort. But the transition is easier for her and the family if you know it's available and how they operate, they get to know the family, etc.

Combine this with her CHF and whatever other problems she has she PROBABLY should go to a place that has SKILLED CARE on site. Memory care is NOT usually under skilled care in the same facility and same campuses or companies don't even offer skilled care.

I think that's a rather new concept. Combining Memory Care in Skilled Care organizations.

However here in FL where I work, there are a couple of places who do - who have SKILLED CARE for people with Memory Care needs and/or physical care needs like transferring, heart, cancer, whatever....They all live together in the same "building" or same campus. I guess they call it "aging on place" First you can go to Independent and contract for what help you need if any. THEN you have access to memory care or skilled care if you need it down the line.

ALSO it's illegal to actually "make her" do anything in Independent or an ALF. She still has the right to refuse taking meds and can simply leave at will and the care givers usually lack the skills to convince her otherwise unless the place also has Memory Care services and trained aids.

The FIRST questions will be if she needs help with ADLs activities of daily living. Showering and bathroom, etc. THAT determines the plan, too. You know...showering is one of the FIRST problems in dementia. (just sayin')

I'm posting after reading you say that you really didn't have proper care as a child and that your relationship was disconnected.

I was in your same position and it's not fun.

My mother locked herself in the bathroom to check her blood for diabetes so I wouldn't be able to know about it and she went into about 9 diabetic comas in a year.

Couldn't have CARED LESS about the havoc it created for anyone else. (she had a few problems all physical - 5 graft bypass, CHF, diabetes....not dementia but a life long "loner" from depression era childhood)

Even my son, her grandson, who was probably the ONLY person in the world she "cared about" got treated miserably.

She caused her own stroke in the end...by REFUSING STUBBORNLY to listen to me and going off her blood thinners. Rotted in a SNF for a year before dying.


So just remember YOU are simply related to her by a quirk of NATURE being born to her. She's still a separate person who was born alone and will die alone. It's not our fault how other people came to be however they are.

You can only do so much. Don't argue, don't cajole, don't debate anything. Don't reinforce negative things. It REALLY doesn't matter WHAT she says because she has no control of her future heath status and whatever happens will happen regardless of words. Her brain will see to it that she either makes good or bad choices like it's a separate "entity" fighting her all the way.

As you probably know, treating depression is a crap shoot at best in a senior and a senior with health problems on top of it.

Usually this FEAR is based on health things. Like a UTI or dementia or something like that.

Also post surgery (dont' know if she had surgery or not) but it's not unusual.

The whiny voice IS a rule in for neurological AND even dememtia-Altzheimers patients very commonly lose their voice and whisper in later stages (I know she's not, I'm just saying VOICE is connected to the BRAIN)

Neurological patients' BRAINS are Academy Award Winning actors. They can make you think they're much more NORMAL than they are.

And it's very NORMAL for family members to not really see what's going on because of life long dynamics complicating the picture.
I am coming to the realization that I can't fix her because she doesn't want to be fixed or you know what, maybe I am the person that needs to be fixed. I really struggle because honestly I don't feel the same love for her that I do for my MIL and when people tell me I will miss her when she is gone, I just don't see it. If I didn't love my husband, kids and inlaws I would question whether or not I was actually capable of love. Some days are just worse than others and I am sure my moods from perimenopause don't help but strangely enough she is the only one who really bothers me.
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