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But my point is this - you're still healthy and your mind is very sharp. You are active and capable. I want to help you but I don't want to get burned out and be sick of it all about the time you REALLY need my help. So honestly, you need to do what you can do on your own as much as possible. I'm here for you, but I want you to be aware of my situation as well as yours."
Right there with you...I think what you told your dad is brilliant.
Now for a funny story relating to all of this "can you come right over because there's a problem" stuff.
Before the "falling and not calling 911" event, when her dementia was still more moderate (meaning she was pretty mobile but couldn't really communicate her thoughts), I got a call at the office around 5 pm from my dad. Mind you I was leaving the next morning for a trip so I didn't have a lot of time.
Dad says, "I think there's something wrong with your Mom. She seems kind of woozy."
OMG so I jumped in the car and fought 5 pm traffic for about 45 minutes to get there to "see what I thought." Mentally I'm figuring out what I needed to do to cancel my travel plans the next morning, who I needed to call about not coming on the trip, etc.
After a few minutes of being at their house I noticed the cabinet where they kept liquor was opened. The cap to the vodka was off. She had mistaken vodka for water and guzzled a bunch of it.
I told Dad she would sleep it off and I had to leave to go pack.
Right there with you...I think what you told your dad is brilliant.
Now for a funny story relating to all of this "can you come right over because there's a problem" stuff.
Before the "falling and not calling 911" event, when her dementia was still more moderate (meaning she was pretty mobile but couldn't really communicate her thoughts), I got a call at the office around 5 pm from my dad. Mind you I was leaving the next morning for a trip so I didn't have a lot of time.
Dad says, "I think there's something wrong with your Mom. She seems kind of woozy."
OMG so I jumped in the car and fought 5 pm traffic for about 45 minutes to get there to "see what I thought." Mentally I'm figuring out what I needed to do to cancel my travel plans the next morning, who I needed to call about not coming on the trip, etc.
After a few minutes of being at their house I noticed the cabinet where they kept liquor was opened. The cap to the vodka was off. She had mistaken vodka for water and guzzled a bunch of it.
I told Dad she would sleep it off and I had to leave to go pack.
Oh my gosh!!! That's funny!
If I had a dollar for every time my dad has used that exact phrase, "I think there's something wrong with your mom - she seems kind of woozy," I could probably take a little weekend trip to Cancun!
Honestly, I think many men never expect to be the caregivers and when it happens, they tend to be at a loss.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad has used that exact phrase, "I think there's something wrong with your mom - she seems kind of woozy," I could probably take a little weekend trip to Cancun!
.
I admit that over time, it was like "crying wolf" (not intentionally on his part) where I started to not take things as seriously as I probably should have.
I admit that over time, it was like "crying wolf" (not intentionally on his part) where I started to not take things as seriously as I probably should have.
That's sort of how I felt the other night. I mean, my dad was describing my mom's state of mind and her actions as something unusual and I needed to come over and "take a look at her," while what he was describing was basically what I've been seeing for months. But it was like he was JUST NOW seeing it. Like I said, I think he's been in denial himself. I finally told him yesterday, "Dad, Mom's BEEN confused about time and dates, and has gotten up several times in the past few months at 8 or 9 pm thinking it was the net day. I mean, you've told me about this several times. I don't think this is new behavior."
I asked him yesterday, "How is Mom today?" and he said, "She's in a great mood, not confused at all, very cheerful - she said she was just tired last night." I honestly think he still believes this. Well, when I"m "just tired," I don't forget what day it is three minutes after someone shows me a calendar. In fact, I can still read a calendar whether I'm tired or not. But I really do think my dad is still minimizing the extent of my mom's issues, which is why he freaks out when he's faced with one of her bouts of severe confusion.
These bouts come and go - I've told him that Mom will have good days and bad days but the good days don't mean she's suddenly healed. I mean, even before the broken hip, she was getting more and more confused, but it's like my dad is brushing that aside now and wants to think that she's just temporarily impaired due to the surgery.
I don't think he's accepted that his life is permanently changed. This worries me.
Maybe he's just enjoying the good days while he can - I hope that's the case. We'll see.
Perhaps the time has come for dad to hire an experienced caretaker maybe for evening given Moms sundowning. Someone who knows how to redirect Mom and do whatever.
Redirecting is an excellent skill and as I watch my sister with Mom it is amazing what sis can do without Mom even being aware
My sympathies or is it empathy for those of us going through it. On top of the heartbreak we have to develop a whole new skill set.
Perhaps the time has come for dad to hire an experienced caretaker maybe for evening given Moms sundowning. Someone who knows how to redirect Mom and do whatever.
Redirecting is an excellent skill and as I watch my sister with Mom it is amazing what sis can do without Mom even being aware
My sympathies or is it empathy for those of us going through it. On top of the heartbreak we have to develop a whole new skill set.
Yes, and this is what makes me sad for my dad.
The last two days, she's been just fine - great, in fact, which is good news. Of course, now my dad seems convinced that it's all been some sort of bad dream and life is about to get back to normal.
I set up one of those clocks with the full day across the top and large time... so far so good... took a little getting use to... put it next to the calendar... $20 at the business Costco.
Mom always looks at her calender and writes everything down... but for that to work you still need to know what day of the week, month and date.
I tried one of those desk blotter planers... didn't work so well... you start each day with a slash and then X it out...
I set up one of those clocks with the full day across the top and large time... so far so good... took a little getting use to... put it next to the calendar... $20 at the business Costco.
Mom always looks at her calender and writes everything down... but for that to work you still need to know what day of the week, month and date.
I tried one of those desk blotter planers... didn't work so well... you start each day with a slash and then X it out...
Good points - my mom can't seem to grasp a calendar, so a clock might work.
Just as I thought - last night my dad texted me with "Your mom is up cooking breakfast at 9 pm and doesn't believe me when I tell her that it's Thursday night, not Friday morning."
Just a little while earlier, he had been resisting any advice because my mom was "doing great - cheerful, sweet natured, in her right mind - you'd never know she was confused yesterday." My dad seems to be clinging to the hope that my mom will "snap out of this." It's sad, really.
Good points - my mom can't seem to grasp a calendar, so a clock might work.
Just as I thought - last night my dad texted me with "Your mom is up cooking breakfast at 9 pm and doesn't believe me when I tell her that it's Thursday night, not Friday morning."
Just a little while earlier, he had been resisting any advice because my mom was "doing great - cheerful, sweet natured, in her right mind - you'd never know she was confused yesterday." My dad seems to be clinging to the hope that my mom will "snap out of this." It's sad, really.
Someone recently posted a link to a clock that simply said "It is Monday morning" (afternoon, evening, night). No day of the month, no time. I can't recall the thread, but it was within the last few days.
Someone recently posted a link to a clock that simply said "It is Monday morning" (afternoon, evening, night). No day of the month, no time. I can't recall the thread, but it was within the last few days.
That sounds perfect for your mom.
Yes it does!
Oh, just got a text from my dad saying that the hospital called and wanted to do some neurological testing and she told them that she's "not interested." My dad seems OK with this. As if it just makes all the sense in the world.
I told him, "OK - so you're not going to push the issue and you're going to let Mom continue to make her own healthcare decisions. So how's that been working out for you for the past 55 years? DENIAL IS NOT A TREATMENT PLAN."
It really irks me. I told him I want to help but I don't want to be forced into some reactive, powerless mode where he just expects me to go with the flow and then jump in the car at 10 pm at night to come "look at Mom and see if she's had a stroke" when she's acting out of it - when he won't put down the law and take her in to get a comprehensive evaluation and diagnosis and treatment plan.
NO. JUST....NO.
I am so ticked off.
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