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You mentioned that Mom accepts the OT and PT coming to into the house but there was a "huge screaming match" when the aide came and Mom threw her out.
If Mom truly can't remember "more than 15 minutes", why didn't she have a "huge screaming match" when the OT and PT came the first time or have to re-adjust to them each time?
If you can figure what was the difference between those situations perhaps you can try again with having an aide come to house.
PS. I just read your most recent post and your mother also accepts a visiting nurse coming to house. Hmmm, what was different about the aide? Why would Mom accept those three people coming into the house but not a fourth person?
That's tough. The best places will have a lower # of patients per caregiver. They may not always be private pay, but possibly. Non-profit (if such a thing still exists) may also help. Most important things at a long term care facility are the attention of the staff, and the staff stress levels -- not whether the living room is newly decorated. Of course general cleanliness is important, but a lot of people get sucked in by pretty landscaping and a beautiful visitors living room - which your loved one may never see or utilize.
Pay is an important consideration -- you didn't provide any information on how you expect this to be paid for. Keep in mind that only medicaid pays for long term nursing care for the elderly. Medicare does not. If your mom is medicare - she would have to spend down before medicaid would kick in.
Also - how does your dad feel about his wife being institutionalized? You worry that she won't last the summer at home... do you feel a transition to an institution would lenghten her time, and more importantly would she rather have more time in an institution, or a shorter time but remaining at home?
Best to your family - it's a rough road for all concerned.
Great suggestions, thank you. I don't think that Mom will die this summer, I am living in fear that something bad will happen to one or both of them. She'll fall, Dad will fall trying to help her, one or both of them will break a leg, or her dementia will get worse and she'll wander out of the house at night. I've heard terrible stories of people with dementia who got thirsty and drank bleach or cleaning fluid or Lysol because they could no longer tell what was safe to drink vs. what wasn't. I'm worried about both of their safety, and I think at the rate she's going downhill, an institution could keep her safer. Dad keeps assuming that she's able to take care of herself as she always has. If something happened to Dad, there's no way she could continue to live at home alone.
You mentioned that Mom accepts the OT and PT coming to into the house but there was a "screaming match" when the aide came and Mom threw her out.
If Mom truly can't remember "more than 15 minutes", why didn't she have a "screaming match" when the OT and PT came the first time or have to re-adjust to them each time?
If you can figure what was the difference between those situations perhaps you can try again with having an aide come to house.
EXCELLENT point. Will bring that up with them and see what they say.
Great suggestions, thank you. I don't think that Mom will die this summer, I am living in fear that something bad will happen to one or both of them. She'll fall, Dad will fall trying to help her, one or both of them will break a leg, or her dementia will get worse and she'll wander out of thehouse at night. I've heard terrible stories of people with dementia who got thirsty and drank bleach or cleaning fluid or Lysol because they could no longer tell what was safe to drink vs. what wasn't. I'm worried about both of their safety, and I think at the rate she's going downhill, an institution could keep her safer. Dad keeps assuming that she's able to take care of herself as she always has. If something happened to Dad, there's no way she could continue to live at home alone.
At the absolute minimum there needs to alarms on all of door leading outside. Plus, some people with more advanced dementia may need alarms on all of the windows, including second floor windows, to alert their caregiver if they are trying to leave.
Does your Dad wear a medical alarm/ response button/whatever it is called that he can push to call 911 or an agency if he falls and can't get up or breaks his hip? Otherwise, how long may he lay there before someone checks on him/them? Or can Mom still use a phone and know enough to call 911?
Has your mother had an actual evaluation or assessment about her cognitive level and safety level? If yes, reading the report may help your father accept that his wife has limitations.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-13-2016 at 09:25 PM..
At the absolute minimum there needs to alarms on all of door leading outside. Plus, some people with dementia need alarms on all of the windows, including second floor windows. Does your Dad wear a medical alarm/ response button/whatever it is called that he can push to call 911 or an agency if he falls and can't get up or breaks his hip? Otherwise, how long may he lay there before someone checks on him/them?
Mom has always been a night owl. Dad gets up at 7 and is dead on his feet by 8 PM. Told him that we need alarms on the doors, BEFORE she wanders outside. He said "She hasn't done this yet." Pointed out that if she wandered outside at 3 AM, he wouldn't discover it until four hours later. He didn't want to talk about it. Thankfully, their house is only one story. But did not even consider the windows, excellent suggestion.
Very good point about the Medic Alert for Dad -- will bring it up, but I"m sure he will deny the need. Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
We got her a new primary care doctor after the heart attacks, and at the first appointment, the doctor told them both that Mom had dementia. Dad couldn't deny it at that point. Think I should ask to speak with her doctor to suggest a neurocognitive workup?
Last edited by Inquring81; 04-13-2016 at 09:34 PM..
Mom has always been a night owl. Dad gets up at 7 and is dead on his feet by 8 PM. Told him that we need alarms on the doors, BEFORE she wanders outside. He said "She hasn't done this yet." Pointed out that if she wandered outside at 3 AM, he wouldn't discover it until four hourslater. He didn't want to talk about it. Thankfully, their house is only one story. But did not even consider the windows, excellent suggestion.
Very good point about the Medic Alert for Dad -- will bring it up, but I"m sure he will deny the need. Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
We got her a new primary care doctor after the heart attacks, and at the first appointment, the doctor told them both that Mom had dementia. Dad couldn't deny it at that point. Think I should ask to speak with her doctor to suggest a neurocognitive workup?
Yes, she should have a neurocognitive evaluation.
The first night in our new apartment I had trouble getting the door alarm to work correctly, but my husband had never wandered out before so I really wasn't worried about it. I woke up and he was not in bed with me & was not in the apartment. I quickly checked the building before I called the police. I was terrified. There were two squad cars looking for him and they found him a mile away.
He had just gotten out of the hospital, ironically after having a fall, and he had walked a full mile, down a busy street (part of the way was without side walks so he may have been walking in the middle of the street). Luckily, it was 3 AM so there was very little traffic. The next morning I put alarms on the doors and made sure that they worked.
If your dad fell and was injured would your Mom understand how to use the phone to call 911? Or would she be awake to bring him the cell phone so that he could call 911? Just a few things to think about.
The first night in our new apartment I had trouble getting the door alarm to work correctly, but my husband had never wandered out before so I really wasn't worried about it. I woke up and he was not in bed with me & was not in the apartment. I quickly checked the building before I called the police. I was terrified. There were two squad cars looking for him and they found him a mile away.
He had just gotten out of the hospital, ironically after having a fall, and he had walked a full mile, down a busy street (part of the way was without side walks so he may have been walking in the middle of the street). Luckily, it was 3 AM so there was very little traffic. The next morning I put alarms on the doors and made sure that they worked.
If your dad fell and was injured would your Mom understand how to use the phone to call 911? Or would she be awake to bring him the cell phone so that he could call 911? Just a few things to think about.
Good luck.
First of all, I'm so glad they found your husband, unhurt. That is one of the several things that I'm very worried about happening. I spoke to Dad about it, and he said "there aren't any highways close enough that she could get there." I pointed out that she's lost all this weight, is cold all the time with the heat up to 80, and that they live in a desert area, so the temperature falls at night. I asked how long she could survive without a coat, if she was lying on the ground for four hours with the temperature at 50. "I think you're worrying about something that isn't going to happen."
Right now, if Dad fell, I don't know if Mom would be able to use the phone. A month ago, when she was in the rehab she did know how to pick up a ringing phone. And she can talk on the phone if someone hands it to her. Can she find a cordless phone somewhere in the house in an emergency, remember to call 911 and call? Don't know. I also don't know if she remembers her street address. She might not be aware to bring him the phone, they are up during the day (though Mom apparently takes long naps on the couch), but their sleeping times vary in length and when each goes to bed.
Your suggestions are invaluable, and are giving me much food for thought.
First of all, I'm so glad they found your husband, unhurt. That is one of the several things that I'm very worried about happening. I spoke to Dad about it, and he said "there aren't any highways close enough that she could get there." I pointed out that she's lost all this weight, is cold all the time with the heat up to 80, and that they live in a desert area, so the temperature falls at night. I asked how long she could survive without a coat, if she was lying on the ground for four hours with the temperature at 50. "I think you're worrying about something that isn't going to happen."
Right now, if Dad fell, I don't know if Mom would be able to use the phone. A month ago, when she was in the rehab she did know how to pick up a ringing phone. And she can talk on the phone if someone hands it to her. Can she find a cordless phone somewhere in the house in an emergency, remember to call 911 and call? Don't know. I also don't know if she remembers her street address. She might not be aware to bring him the phone, they are up during the day (though Mom apparently takes long naps on the couch), but their sleeping times vary in length and when each goes to bed.
Your suggestions are invaluable, and are giving me much food for thought.
I did not intent to panic you, but to give you options of things to tell your dad to encourage him to get a medical alert medallion since he has a history of falling. That way he can push the button and the machine or agency calls a neighbor or emergency contact or calls 911 (depends on how it is set up) if he falls and is injured and does not have to worry or panic his wife if she can't find the phone.
Depending on the size of their house if he falls and calls for help in the kitchen or living room will his wife even hear him & wake up if she is asleep in the bedroom?
Now, there are "buddy systems" or calling routines that you may already be using to keep them safe. Maybe Dad calls you every morning and every night at 7 AM and 7 PM. And, if you do not hear from him you have arranged to have a neighbor go over and check to make sure that he is OK. Or there is a Meals on Wheels type delivery every week day at noon and they will investigate if no one comes to the door or things like that. For some elderly people those systems can work well.
We chose our nursing home in large part on the US News reviews and of course visiting and interviewing. The reviews definitely need close analysis. A nursing home may only be 3 star and you think "that's bad" but then you drill down into the details and it is not so bad (say they get much more LVN care than RN) OR there is a red flag that makes you run. It's not perfect but she is doing well there and is happy, which she had not been living with my sister.
We chose our nursing home in large part on the US News reviews and of course visiting and interviewing. The reviews definitely need close analysis. A nursing home may only be 3 star and you think "that's bad" but then you drill down into the details and it is not so bad (say they get much more LVN care than RN) OR there is a red flag that makes you run. It's not perfect but she is doing well there and is happy, which she had not been living with my sister.
My husband needed to do rehab after a TBI in a nursing home with an over all state rank of 1 star (ranking was 1-worst to 5-best), (we did not have any money so many places would not even accept him for short term rehab paid by Medicare).
And, it certainly was a 1 star place in many, many ways (shudder, shudder) but the state ranked it a 3 (average) in staffing which for his needs was far more important than the "food" or cleanliest or activities.
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