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You are a very kind person--much kinder than I would have been under the circumstances.
Do you have any influence over her phone/WiFi connection? Does she pay that bill herself? Is there any way to influence things on that end? In the old days you could have cut the telephone wire....
Somehow I missed post 173 last night. I'm amazed at you and your husband's generosity in the light of how she treated you. I wish she could see the light.
I'm thinking the OP paid the rent because if not the MIL will end up moving in with them. It is her husbands mother/grandmother. If it isn't completely out of kindness I really can't blame her at all.
I don't know if she would end up moving in with us or not if she were to get evicted, considering that she isn't even speaking to us right now. I feel like we would have to at least offer. To be honest, the main reason I am doing what I am is for my husband, not for her. Even though she is the way that she is, she's the only "mom" he has ever had, and he does love her.
His real mother -- MIL's daughter, who was a terrible mother from day one, from what I understand -- abandoned him and his brother in an abandoned store in another state when they were 3 and 4 years old. They stayed there by themselves for a full day and a half, until MIL got there to pick them up. They lived with them until social services got called (by the neighbors) when my husband was 8 because FIL was beating them all over with a belt in the front yard. Hubby says they never got a "beating" that they didn't deserve, but my brother-in-law says that MIL and FIL were really physically and emotionally abusive. Anyway, they were separated and put in foster care. Hubby ended up going back to MIL and FIL after about four years, but BIL never did live with them again. Hubby said he went to some pretty rough places in foster care, but I guess BIL got lucky, because he ended up staying with a great couple, who he ended up staying with until he was old enough to live on his own. He has very minimal contact with MIL.
The felony that someone mentioned earlier in this thread (in an effort to try to "call me out" or "make me look bad," I'm assuming) happened when my husband was 14. He was in with the wrong crowd and had been experimenting with drugs, and he and a friend plotted to steal from MIL and FIL. Basically, hubby left the back door unlocked and told his friend about a time when they were all going to be away from home. He ended up chickening out/feeling bad while he was out with MIL and FIL and ended up telling them everything, so they rushed home early and actually caught the friend coming out of the house with the stolen items. The friend gave the items back, but MIL and FIL called the police afterward, and my husband ended up with a felony (because there was a gun involved...not that the friend threatened them or anything, but he actually attempted to steal FIL's gun) and had to go to juvenile prison for 18 months.
So, I'm definitely not saying that my husband is an angel or anything. I'm not saying that MIL and FIL did the wrong thing by having them arrested, either, but I kind of feel like I would handle that differently if it were my child. The items were recovered right away, and although my husband was definitely in the wrong, I have to give him credit and say that he realized it was a bad idea, came completely clean about it and tried to put a stop to it, so at least that is something. This was when he was 14 years old, and he's turning 32 this year, so this was a long time ago. He has changed a lot since then. After everything he went through as a child, I don't think it's that surprising that he rebelled and went down the wrong path for a while as a young teen. After he got out of the juvenile prison, he ended up going back to MIL and FIL's house and lived with them until he was about 20.
I was debating on whether or not to share all of that after the mention of his criminal record was brought up earlier in the thread, but now that we've gotten personal about it all, why not? So, maybe that will change everyone's opinion of us, but that's the whole story...it's not pretty. Perhaps the theft incident is part of her assumption that we "want her money," or maybe it could be why she treated us as she did several years ago, but that incident is old news and is not indicative of the person my husband is now. They supposedly mended fences after he got out, and FIL even said that he regretted getting the police involved instead of handling it as a family matter, but maybe MIL still harbors a grudge.
That's one reason (of many) why we do not want control of her money...at all. We don't want to be accused of anything or anything like that. All we want is for her to stop sending money to these scammers and to pay her bills so that she has a roof over her head. As I said, it's almost getting to the point where we will just pay her rent and electricity if necessary. It's cheaper than a nursing home, which a lot of people have to pay for for their parents.
Your story doesn't change my opinion at all. Your mother in law is lucky your husband didn't just leave her behind as soon as he was able. Sounds like he has perservered in life, even though he's had a very tough path.
Sounds like you might be the first woman in his life who cares about him no matter what.
I don't know if I made the right or wrong decision by doing that, but I don't want to see her homeless.
Sounds like you made good progress with the SSA! I'm glad to know that is an option that may be useful for us some day. Paying the rent was not a long term solution, just a delaying tactic. It bought you a temporary peace. Frankly, allowing her to be evicted to 'teach her a lesson' at this point is not. going. to. work. There is no teaching of lessons to this woman at this point.
I had to climb up that same steep learning curve with my mom. We kept trying to get her to see reason and make sensible decisions. It's been about five years since she saw reason! So I've started just letting her do her own thing and if she makes a mess of it, she can deal with the consequences until she can't, then I'll step in.
If this thread isn't an advertisement for NOT retiring to North Carolina, I don't know what would be. The state won't even help children save their infirm parents from self-destruction.
If this thread isn't an advertisement for NOT retiring to North Carolina, I don't know what would be. The state won't even help children save their infirm parents from self-destruction.
I don't think North Carolina is uniquely bad in this regard. It takes both time and solid proof of fiscal incompetence to get the Social Security Administration to authorize someone else to take control of a senior citizen's check.
I don't think North Carolina is uniquely bad in this regard. It takes both time and solid proof of fiscal incompetence to get the Social Security Administration to authorize someone else to take control of a senior citizen's check.
Pretty much. They don't want people taking advantage of their parents or whatever. There are a lot of crooked people who would probably do that. I get it. That's why I went ahead and paid her June rent. I figure this might take a while.
I don't know if she would end up moving in with us or not if she were to get evicted, considering that she isn't even speaking to us right now. I feel like we would have to at least offer.
I beg you not to do this ^^.
She reads like a raging narcissist, and moving her into your house would make things so much worse.
I do understand the obligation your husband feels to her, and you to him. But I have seen a similar situation play out with my own dad and his mom, and everyone has to reach their own tipping point.
Helping someone shouldn't hurt YOU. You two have gone so far above and beyond. Let her reap what she has sown.
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