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You could help your Mom get personal counseling, join a support group, and or live her life without a drunk in her house whether that means divorce or not.
The addict is not going do anything different unless he wants to. It seems he doesn't care to.
I am so tired of hearing posters say alcohol related issues do not belong in the caregiving forum.
If a moderator is reading this I wish they would suggest to the powers that be, to add a section for caregiving for alcoholism.
I will tell you from experience there is a huge level of caregiving.
I've tried to start topics on this in relationships, mental heath. Many of the posters are very negative and cruel to those of us who deal with spouses, and family members who for whatever reason decide to stay and deal with the daily longterm issues that we deal with.
For example : Highblood pressure, multiple cardiac surgeries, dementia, bleeding ulcers. Then throw in prescription drug abuse on top of this.
We need a place to discuss these issues without being told accept it. We do we know we can't change them. These are our parents, our husbands, wives,children. .
Please be kind.. We are human and are stressed too.
I always suggest Al-Anon for the families and friends of alcoholics.
My best friend, a lawyer, had a daughter who had issues with drinking and it was a family issue through the generations. Al-Anon showed the mother how to deal with her daughter and they worked thru the issues. She could have jumped in and gotten the DUI removed but made her daughter work thru the program to get it removed from her record. It was very very hard. They were able to rebuild their relationship.
The meetings showed her she was not alone in working on this issue and gave her creative ideas and support to help her daughter and as important to help herself deal with the issue.
My dad has a very serious drinking problem, and I'm not sure what I can do. He lives in South Carolina and is getting pretty old (66) and I don't have the time to personally try and do what I could to help him with his issues. He's been to rehap three times...it's done no good obviously. Mom's tried to have him committed, but claimed no one was trying to help her since he wouldn't voluntarily commit. It's starting to get very serious, as he lays around in his own filth, drinking away the days and talking about how stupid she is and how he wishes he would just die or kill himself. A week ago he ran his car off the road and totaled it...over couse he was drunk but the state trooper didn't charge him. Two days ago, he got stopped near his house, but again was only charged with public intoxication and not a DUI. I'm seriously worried that he's going to hurt himself or others and need to do something quick.
I would call the state troopers and complain. Give them the information.
I just met a senior client who's boyfriend is in jail for his fourth DUI and she said she's not bailing him out. When your father dries out in jail with physical problems they'll perhaps get him in a hospital then his future will be decided in the courts.
Otherwise, so the way it works is that YES he has to voluntarily go UNLESS it's involuntary which has to be decided by the state. For involuntary, anybody can call the police for an intervention if the person you want committed is "a threat to themselves or others".
Then they take them in for a 72 hour psychiatric observation. Obviously this won't usually just because a person is laying around appearing casually drunk.
I assume your mom is stuck there for many reasons (like financial) and can't get out.
But that's a terrible way for her to live. There are things she can do like disable the car etc but she's probably not up to it or afraid.
Why can't she come live with you?
That's all YOU can actually do for HER right now besides staying on top of the police and doing some research on social services for HER (yes like AlAnon etc). If she's over 62 then she's considered senior and there may be some Elder Care social services or counseling for her too.
You can also contact an elder care attorney for professional advice. Usually good lawyers have contacts in the political and governmental world.
You didn't give any info so if your mom is broke, and needs to live there then ...what type of help do you want?
Well the OP is posting in a forum where many of us have pretty much dropped life as it was to be a caregiver. Why post in the Caregiving forum and basically say you don't have time to give or care?
That's your own personal choice to decide to drop your life. I spent most of my younger life out in the sticks, which I personally hate, with a man who was abusive and then started to get better only to become an alcoholic. I'm not going to feel guilty in any way for finally getting away and finding somewhere where I'm happy. I'm only 26, this man on the other hand has already lived his life how he wanted. Why should I quit my jobs, move from the city where I'm happy to the boring country to take care of a man who I've never had a good relationship with and who is a complete slob? If there's going to be any help for him it's going to be thru a source outside of home because clearly he doesn't want it at home. Now if it's a problem because I posted in the caregiving forum when I don't want to be a full time caregiver you'll just have to get over it unless you can think of a better forum for me to have asked this question in.
Wow, the post I quoted states to do exactly that but using prettier words however, no amount of phone calls or weekend visits are going to change the reality of the situation as it is.
I'm sure you will disagree, so be it but a lifetime worth of actual experience with alcoholics is more reality in this situation than a bunch of woulda, shoulda, coulda fantasies.
Yes exactly, and let me elaborate a bit further. My mother was also living away for a while as she was a travel nurse. My dad insisted that she should be home and that's all he wanted. Well he got that, and big surprise, things did not get any better and now he is verbally abusive towards her when he gets in a stuber. I've been to visit every so often, but he's convinced he's right. I have no interest now really to even visit a man who wont clean up after himself, who wont seek help, or even act like he cares.
Yes exactly, and let me elaborate a bit further. My mother was also living away for a while as she was a travel nurse. My dad insisted that she should be home and that's all he wanted. Well he got that, and big surprise, things did not get any better and now he is verbally abusive towards her when he gets in a stuber. I've been to visit every so often, but he's convinced he's right. I have no interest now really to even visit a man who wont clean up after himself, who wont seek help, or even act like he cares.
If possible suggest to your mother she move out but make sure it is her idea to do so. It took my Mother 11 years to finally get away. Stay strong, no guilt, no shame, live your life and I do wish you the best in all your endeavors.
You can't change anyone who doesn't want to change. And that includes your mom.
But you may be able to help your mom if she is WILLING to do what she has to do. So I think it's worth a weekend trip and some research on options. Help get your mom the tools she needs to get the help they need. If she won't grab hold of those tools, there's really nothing more you can do.
Or at least that's my opinion. I take that back though - there is one more thing you could do, OP, and that's contact law enforcement in your dad's area and let them know that he's going to kill someone if they don't get tougher on him. Contact the Dept of Transportation and see if you can file some sort of report to get his license privileges reviewed or revoked. When you go home for the weekend, TAKE HIS CAR KEYS AWAY and I don't care how mad he gets about "losing" them - and if your mom lets him use hers then sorry, but that's on her and you've got your answer to whether or not she's going to continue to enable him.
That's some of the first useful advice I've gotten. I had felt kind of discouraged about about contacting the county as his first wreck state troopers were there and could smell alcohol yet never breath tested him nor took him to jail. The second time he was in the town of Iva, SC and the town's police only issued a ticket. I'm sure you can see how this will make you feel like they are going way too easy as I feel like if this was me I'd have gone straight to jail, had a suspended liscense, and a huge fine.
What about talking to a judge, court, etc about what's going on since he has a ticket? Would it be possible for them to do anything?
Helping my mom isn't very productive either. Yeah I already took his keys and refused to give them back, but my mom only gets tough on him when she has someone backing her up...basically having to be there fulltime to get anything done. And besides if he wants to go somewhere he will go with her or find someway to get his truck it's keys.
If possible suggest to your mother she move out but make sure it is her idea to do so. It took my Mother 11 years to finally get away. Stay strong, no guilt, no shame, live your life and I do wish you the best in all your endeavors.
The second worst thing next to an alcoholic parent, is an unreasonably stuborn parent. Everytime I try and suggest she do something, she always turns me down. She doesn't do anything unless it's exactly what she wants to do and when she wants to do it. I think a lot of days why did I have to get adopted by the family I did.
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