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Old 06-02-2016, 12:33 AM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,869 posts, read 16,239,233 times
Reputation: 29224

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If you mother is a relatively healthy 68, her behavior doesn't make sense. She's only three years older than I am and I still take care of myself, work part-time, and am 100% responsible for my 90-year-old mother who is failing in body and mind.

When you say it's not financially feasible for her to live alone, I have to assume that means not financially feasible for you. Because doesn't she at least have Social Security, if not a pension or savings? You certainly could consult with your county social service agency (google the name of your county and "services for aging") to find out what suitable living arrangements would be available for your mother near you. I didn't expect my mother to live another 10 years when I took he in. And had I known then what I know now, honestly I wouldn't have done it. It's taken a huge toll on me mentally and physically. Not to mention, if I had a husband, he'd be long gone. If your mother lives even to the age of an average American woman, you have many more years of this caregiving ahead of you if you don't get this in hand.

You sound very stressed to me. And while I get people telling you to insist your brother share her care, I know for a fact that's easier said than done. I have two siblings and I know what you mean by "every excuse in the book." But, honestly, a mentally sound and physically healthy 68-year-old shouldn't NEED to live with her adult child.
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Old 06-02-2016, 06:29 AM
 
2,441 posts, read 2,588,999 times
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The very outrageousness of her behaviour should be comforting to you. When she insults anything else about you, remind yourself that she thinks you don't know how to use resistance bands.

Why is someone who is so awful to you (and so young) living in your house, for the next 20+ years? Maybe blowing up at her would be good, tell her her behaviour is unacceptible.
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Old 06-02-2016, 07:21 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,495 posts, read 26,723,062 times
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Just to give her the benefit of the doubt, is it possible she's asking the same questions because she wants to start a conversation or to have something to talk about, and doesn't feel like she has anything in common with the younger folks in the family?

Sometimes the things we think of as being evil or mean behavior are just signs that someone is socially inept. My mother has insulted everyone around her as long as I've been alive. When she does it to me, I have a hard time seeing that it might not be intended as something mean, and I end up taking it personally. When she does it to other people, I can see that sometimes she's just clueless and it comes across as mean.

My husband has no patience with the way my mom acts, especially when it's directed toward our daughters. He'll point out how she's completely wrong about what she's said or done and when she just stands there speechless, he'll say, "Gosh, it's hard to talk with that foot in your mouth, isn't it?" She's decided that she's "physically unsafe" around him and everyone in the family knows it's only because he'll tell her when her behavior is unacceptable or when she's asking me to do too much for her. He says when someone has been around 65 years, they must know when they're being horribly insulting, and that she must be doing it on purpose.
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Old 06-02-2016, 07:32 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,666 posts, read 60,197,371 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
Ok, so here is what I think. Your mother lives with you? You are not your mother. Her behavior is her behavior. If she reflects badly, she reflects badly on herself. Do not buy into it.

If you want to boot your mother out, then do so. If you don't want to, then deal with her behavior at arms length, and negotiate her social behavior.

As a Grandmother, I can understand why your mother might want to remove herself from the mayhem, and have her own space.

I feel as if there is a happy medium here. Your mother should be a part of the social scene at your house, but when she wants to retreat to her room, she should be able to.
I agree with this. Thankfully there's this forum to vent on. I know it helps - I do a lot of it - LOL!!!

It is a great relief to finally just reach the acceptance stage. But those behaviors are still irksome or "crazy" even after that stage. I know that my husband and I ruminate over the bizarre stuff on a daily basis - it helps us unwind and let go of the stress of it if we sit around and (sorry, but this is the truth) blow off steam by laughing about it. And sometimes we cry about it too, but the point is, we talk about it and let ourselves vent in a safe place. It keeps us from snapping at the person or reacting with anger in the moment.

Just yesterday he told me, "You act more and more like your mom every day." (He was kidding.) I said, "And you act more and more like YOUR mom every day." He just looked at me and I said, "Neither of us drew a lucky card when it comes to our moms' strangeness."

Both our moms suffered from mental illness prior to their dementia, so we both grew up with similar struggles. It's like I always say - his mom was passive/aggressive and my mom is aggressive/aggressive but the end result for all their children was a troubled childhood and ongoing challenges as adults. It's one reason why he and I get along so well, I guess. We can both really relate.

His mom suffered from ongoing depression (debilitating depression) and my mom is bipolar. Thankfully, neither of us inherited either issue - in fact, we're probably not the most understanding people because we are both sort of perpetually upbeat, happy, and extroverted and neither of our moms have ever been that way. I mean, my mom would have upbeat cycles but they always had a frantic edge to them. His mom was literally never very happy. I don't know which is worse. Maybe they're both just awful.
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Old 06-02-2016, 07:59 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,666 posts, read 60,197,371 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
I understand that her behaviour reflects on her not me but it still frustrates me.

Her moving out would be the best for the current situation but right now it is not fiancially possible. I know noone can fix this I just need a place to vent about my feelings so I don't blow up at her. There are so many different variables in our relationship and we shouldn't be living together.

I know that is was mayhem while they were all here and I understand needing her space but it seemed like she spent more time in her room with the door closed than she did visting with her grandchildren, these are the people that she only sees maybe every 2 years and from the way she went on before they came about spending time with them, I guess stupid me just expected more from her.
Believe me, I understand! It is incredibly difficult to have someone like your mom living with you. I don't know how you do it, really. It has to be a daily, even hourly, emotional drain.

I do think it gets easier when you move into the acceptance stage and let go of many expectations, though. That's a hard place to get to, but the burden is lighter. My dad is slowly coming around to that.

I feel your pain!!!!!
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Old 06-02-2016, 08:03 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,666 posts, read 60,197,371 times
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By the way, I agree with the posters who are suggesting that you 1) simply TELL your brother that HIS MOTHER is coming to stay with him for a few months, and 2) get with local sources to find another solution to where your mother lives. Even if she has to get on a waiting list for public or assisted aid housing, surely she would qualify. This can't go on indefinitely.

This whole situation is incredibly unfair to you. Unless you enjoy the role of victim (which doesn't seem to fit you), you owe it to yourself and your family to find a better solution to this stressful situation.
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Old 06-02-2016, 08:32 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,954,964 times
Reputation: 51106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl View Post
If you mother is a relatively healthy 68, her behavior doesn't make sense. She's only three years older than I am and I still take care of myself, work part-time, and am 100% responsible for my 90-year-old mother who is failing in body and mind.

When you say it's not financially feasible for her to live alone, I have to assume that means not financially feasible for you. Because doesn't she at least have Social Security, if not a pension or savings? You certainly could consult with your county social service agency (google the name of your county and "services for aging") to find out what suitable living arrangements would be available for your mother near you
. I didn't expect my mother to live another 10 years when I took he in. And had I known then what I know now, honestly I wouldn't have done it. It's taken a huge toll on me mentally and physically. Not to mention, if I had a husband, he'd be long gone. If your mother lives even to the age of an average American woman, you have many more years of this caregiving ahead of you if you don't get this in hand.

You sound very stressed to me. And while I get people telling you to insist your brother share her care, I know for a fact that's easier said than done. I have two siblings and I know what you mean by "every excuse in the book." But, honestly, a mentally sound and physically healthy 68-year-old shouldn't NEED to live with her adult child.
Please contact your county Counsel on Aging (or similar title) and ask them to come to your home for a consultation. I appears that your mother is low income and there normally are a number of services available for low income people over the age of 65. Most areas have low income housing where the person only pays a part of their income (perhaps 1/3) and that covers the full fees. In some cities the waiting list can be very long but in other cities an elderly person can get in within a few months. There may be other services that you have never even considered.

As Jukesgrrl pointed out, your mother may live many more years. Just imagine what could happen to you and your family if she lives with you for another 10 or 20 years or even 30 more years? Imagine how it effects your spouse & your children & grandchildren? Actually picture it in your head.

Picture your birthday celebration 10 years from now with your husband, loving children & grandchildren and your mother.

Picture your anniversary celebration 20 years from now with all of your friends, neighbors, family and your mother. You want to go on a cruise with your spouse but are worried about leaving her alone for two weeks.

Picture baptisms & other celebrations around your great-grandchildren 30 years from now. Now you and your husband may also need some help but your mother is still living with you. Don't laugh, in my family many of the women lived well into their 90s and quite a few to 100. You probably will have great-grandchildren by then (maybe even great-great grandchildren).

Please call services for the aging and set up an appointment today. Good luck.
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Old 06-02-2016, 11:08 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 9,240,993 times
Reputation: 3165
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl View Post
If you mother is a relatively healthy 68, her behavior doesn't make sense. She's only three years older than I am and I still take care of myself, work part-time, and am 100% responsible for my 90-year-old mother who is failing in body and mind.

When you say it's not financially feasible for her to live alone, I have to assume that means not financially feasible for you. Because doesn't she at least have Social Security, if not a pension or savings? You certainly could consult with your county social service agency (google the name of your county and "services for aging") to find out what suitable living arrangements would be available for your mother near you. I didn't expect my mother to live another 10 years when I took he in. And had I known then what I know now, honestly I wouldn't have done it. It's taken a huge toll on me mentally and physically. Not to mention, if I had a husband, he'd be long gone. If your mother lives even to the age of an average American woman, you have many more years of this caregiving ahead of you if you don't get this in hand.

You sound very stressed to me. And while I get people telling you to insist your brother share her care, I know for a fact that's easier said than done. I have two siblings and I know what you mean by "every excuse in the book." But, honestly, a mentally sound and physically healthy 68-year-old shouldn't NEED to live with her adult child.
My mother has some health conditions, some that if she doesn't take her meds could kill her eventually but IMO she is no worse off then many other people her age. The issue I guess is that she has never really taken care of herself, she goes to a doctor, they tell her she needs to do x,y and z and she might do that for a month or so and then she stops. I have never had to be responsible for her lack of caring before, it seems like when my father died 4.5 years ago, she just have up on life. It frustrates me to no end because I know many people her age and older who work, they are active, they have a social life and she just wants to be stagnant. I joke and say if I would divorce my husband and move into an apartment with my mother and make her the center of my world, she would be so much better, but that isn't happening.

She has SS that she draws off of my father, no pension or savings, my parents did absolutely nothing to prepare for their senior years. After my father died she started accumlating credit cards and for the small amount of money she brings in every month, her cc payments take a pretty large portion of that money. I am not really sure how she was paying her utilites and eating when she was still living in Texas. We do not have the money to help her get into her own apartment and we live in a very small town with limited apartments that are rent adjusted.

As far as getting my brothers to help, for lack of a better word my two brothers are losers, they are 45, they both bounce from job to job, get kicked out of their apartments, they don't pay their bills and their excuse is they don't have room for her.

I know there are probably more things I could be doing to help ease this situation but life in small town USA doesn't always offer the same options that those in larger cities have.
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Old 06-02-2016, 11:15 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 9,240,993 times
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I wanted to thank everyone for replying to my posts and listening to my venting. Please know that I read your replies, take what you say into consideration and try to implement what I can. There are limitations to living in a small town in regards to available living arrangements for people on tight budgets but I will keep looking. For now I do the best I can, come on here and vent every once in awhile. Most days my coping mechanism is to be cordial to her, answer if spoken to and leave it at that. I don't have much to say to her for a variety of reasons (the past has taught me hard lessons on telling her to much about what is going on in my life) and think the things that I do for her physical comfort and safety have to be enough because I don't have anymore to give.
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Old 06-02-2016, 12:14 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,954,964 times
Reputation: 51106
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
I wanted to thank everyone for replying to my posts and listening to my venting. Please know that I read your replies, take what you say into consideration and try to implement what I can.
There are limitations to living in a small town in regards to available living arrangements for people on tight budgets but I will keep looking. For now I do the best I can, come on here and vent every once in awhile. Most days my coping mechanism is to be cordial to her, answer if spoken to and leave it at that. I don't have much to say to her for a variety of reasons (the past has taught me hard lessons on telling her to much about what is going on in my life) and think the things that I do for her physical comfort and safety have to be enough because I don't have anymore to give.
Please contact the local Counsel on Aging. There may be services that they can provide that are not open to the general public. My cousin lives in a small town of 5,000 people and they had some type of voucher system for low income housing for seniors that placed people in regular apartments, private homes and even in residential style motels in their community and in nearby small towns. These were options that were not publicized very well so most people even other people living in that apartment complex & motel were not aware of the situations of some of the other residents. Until my cousin & his siblings checked with the department of aging they also thought that there was not anything around their area.

Years ago my aunt, in another small town of under 1,000 people, took in low income, elderly veterans as "boarders" and the government paid their expenses.

Please make an appointment and have someone come to your home to discuss various options. It may turn out that they can't help you but wouldn't you feel terrible if you find out years from now that there were services and you did not know about them?

Good luck.

Last edited by germaine2626; 06-02-2016 at 12:31 PM..
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