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So this last month was a busy one for us, our senior graduated from high school. Our oldest son and his family were here from 5/12 through 5/22 and our daughter and granddaughter from 5/18 through 5/31, whew those grandbabies are busy little bees. LOL but what fun.
Now here comes my whine session....my mother spent quite a bit of that time in her room with her door closed or came to the main area and like usual sat behind everyone else, nothing new. But she has gotten into this bad habit of asking me something, then when I answer her, she will ask either my husband or inlaws the same question, as if I am not smart enough to know the answer. She did the same with the kids, I work at a gym, I have been working out for the last 8 years so I know just a tad bit about exercising. Her doctor told her that doing exercises using some low weights and bands would help her greatly, so seeing that I know about exercising, I showed her how to do the exercises he wanted her to do. The kids are all in the living room one afternoon, I was in the kitchen and I hear her say "so how do you use these exercise bands?" My daugher told me later that she really considered asking her grandmother why she was asking them when her daughter actually worked out, but of course she didn't. Seriously I am that stupid that people who do not go to the gym now know more than I do?????? I knew she always thought I was useless because I heard that enough growing up but gosh I would have thought at the ripe age of 50 I might have learned something.
She has taken to not coming out of her room when my inlaws come to visit waiting for them to go to her room and greet her. Well they came to say goodbye to my daughter on Memorial Day and low and behold my mother met them at the top of the stairs, of course instead of saying hello and asking my mother in law how her eye surgery went the first thing out of her mouth was "how do you like my new haircolor?" I know this seems petty on my part but it is so darn frustrating that she doesn't think of others. Then yesterday we took our daughter to the airport and as of now she still hasn't asked if she made it back home safely.
My brother just has excuse after excuse about her going to Texas even for a visit, I should have known better than to expect anything from either of them.
Ok, so here is what I think. Your mother lives with you? You are not your mother. Her behavior is her behavior. If she reflects badly, she reflects badly on herself. Do not buy into it.
If you want to boot your mother out, then do so. If you don't want to, then deal with her behavior at arms length, and negotiate her social behavior.
As a Grandmother, I can understand why your mother might want to remove herself from the mayhem, and have her own space.
I feel as if there is a happy medium here. Your mother should be a part of the social scene at your house, but when she wants to retreat to her room, she should be able to.
How old is your mother? I ask because my mother started losing her short term memory from mini strokes when she was in her mid seventies. It took us almost a year to figure this out because it was a slow and gradual process and she hid it pretty well. When it got to the point I would show her how to do something on the computer and 5 minutes later she could not remember how to do it I would get frustrated. She finally said one day "I know you said you showed me, but, I simply don't remember".
Her long term memory was still very good- but I realized at that point she had been having problems for some time and I had not picked up on the cues. At the time we had no idea she had been having these mini strokes- nor did she realize it. It was only when her short term memory got really bad that she finally confided in me that she was having great difficulty remembering things that people had just said. She had been embarrassed to be around people because she had difficulty following and being a part of conversations.
How old is your mother? I ask because my mother started losing her short term memory from mini strokes when she was in her mid seventies. It took us almost a year to figure this out because it was a slow and gradual process and she hid it pretty well. When it got to the point I would show her how to do something on the computer and 5 minutes later she could not remember how to do it I would get frustrated. She finally said one day "I know you said you showed me, but, I simply don't remember".
Her long term memory was still very good- but I realized at that point she had been having problems for some time and I had not picked up on the cues. At the time we had no idea she had been having these mini strokes- nor did she realize it. It was only when her short term memory got really bad that she finally confided in me that she was having great difficulty remembering things that people had just said. She had been embarrassed to be around people because she had difficulty following and being a part of conversations.
My mother is 68 and while I guess it could be possible that she is having mini strokes, her neurologist doesn't seem to think so.
OMG! But you are not being stupid; you are truthfully venting (hopefully) to others who will understand that you are giving a lot and receiving very little. There is nothing you can do to change your mom, she is who she is--especially considering her age. You can only accept that it is very difficult--extremely difficult--to do what you are doing. There are many who could not, would not take their mothers into their home as you, obviously, have done. You are an angel. I hope there are those in your life who give back. Your mother, likely, never will--whether she is mentally or purposefully unable to be kind and grateful, it is no reflection on your generosity and fantastic ability to be so generous. Again, you are an angel. I applaud your efforts.
Ok, so here is what I think. Your mother lives with you? You are not your mother. Her behavior is her behavior. If she reflects badly, she reflects badly on herself. Do not buy into it.
If you want to boot your mother out, then do so. If you don't want to, then deal with her behavior at arms length, and negotiate her social behavior.
As a Grandmother, I can understand why your mother might want to remove herself from the mayhem, and have her own space.
I feel as if there is a happy medium here. Your mother should be a part of the social scene at your house, but when she wants to retreat to her room, she should be able to.
I understand that her behaviour reflects on her not me but it still frustrates me.
Her moving out would be the best for the current situation but right now it is not fiancially possible. I know noone can fix this I just need a place to vent about my feelings so I don't blow up at her. There are so many different variables in our relationship and we shouldn't be living together.
I know that is was mayhem while they were all here and I understand needing her space but it seemed like she spent more time in her room with the door closed than she did visting with her grandchildren, these are the people that she only sees maybe every 2 years and from the way she went on before they came about spending time with them, I guess stupid me just expected more from her.
I feel you. I had a grandmother who was VERY self-centered and usually found a way to make every conversation about HER.
Does your mom have hearing trouble?
My other grandmother began to withdraw from group get-togethers when her hearing started to go. She said she couldnt really hear properly in all the commotion, and she was afraid to say something silly so she just sat there quietly on the edge of the group.
(snip)
My brother just has excuse after excuse about her going to Texas even for a visit, I should have known better than to expect anything from either of them.
You have to firm with your brother.
In fact, you need to tell him "Our mother has lived with me for 12 months (or whatever). She will be coming to stay with you for two months. She will be on SW Airlines flight 201 arriving in your town on Friday, June 10 at 6 PM."
In fact, you need to tell him "Our mother has lived with me for 12 months (or whatever). She will be coming to stay with you for two months. She will be on SW Airlines flight 201 arriving in your town on Friday, June 10 at 6 PM."
This ^. You can't be taking all the responsibility all of the time.
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