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YOU ARE NOT KIDDING. To me, it's more like living with, or taking care of, a chimpanzee. I think your mom and my mom are similar - there's a malicious streak to their mischief and moodiness and it's worse than dealing with a high energy toddler, because these folks know how to pull everyone's strings a lot better than a toddler does.
I cannot STAND to live in "reactive mode," where I'm forced to react to everything as if it was some shocking and unexpected emergency.
To me that is the craziest thing because she knows when she upsets me and then does the whole "I am sorry did I do anything to upset you" but then gets butt hurt if I do tell her what she did, it has become easier just to try my hardest to not let her see that I am upset.
To me that is the craziest thing because she knows when she upsets me and then does the whole "I am sorry did I do anything to upset you" but then gets butt hurt if I do tell her what she did, it has become easier just to try my hardest to not let her see that I am upset.
YES.
Even when my mom was in the hospital with a broken hip, she was in full swing. She'd say the most awful things to me - I mean rude, paranoid, ridiculous, awful things - and I'd say, "Well, I see things are degenerating so it's time for me to leave - bye now," and I'd get up and leave. Before I was even out of the hospital she'd be calling me on my cell phone saying in a singsong, cutesy voice, "Hi, there, Kathryn! You know what - I shouldn't have said what I said so I guess I better apologize. Come on back up here - don't rush off!"
What? Look, mean crazy old lady - I'm already out the double doors and into the parking lot. I'm not jumping back on the elevator to put up with more of your shenanigans when I've already spent the whole day up at the hospital with you - for the eighth day in a row.
I would just ignore the message, go home, enjoy my restful evening away from all that, and get up the next day and go see her again - and then leave the minute she got rude again. It took her a couple of times to realize that I wasn't playing that game, but it did eventually get across to her. She was sweet as peaches today - even got all teary eyed and hugged me before I left - but I know that by tomorrow she could be accusing me of poisoning her and turning all her doctors against her again.
Do not be lulled into a false sense of security! Actually, now that I think of it, she's always been this way. I bet your mom has too.
Even when my mom was in the hospital with a broken hip, she was in full swing. She'd say the most awful things to me - I mean rude, paranoid, ridiculous, awful things - and I'd say, "Well, I see things are degenerating so it's time for me to leave - bye now," and I'd get up and leave. Before I was even out of the hospital she'd be calling me on my cell phone saying in a singsong, cutesy voice, "Hi, there, Kathryn! You know what - I shouldn't have said what I said so I guess I better apologize. Come on back up here - don't rush off!"
What? Look, mean crazy old lady - I'm already out the double doors and into the parking lot. I'm not jumping back on the elevator to put up with more of your shenanigans when I've already spent the whole day up at the hospital with you - for the eighth day in a row.
I would just ignore the message, go home, enjoy my restful evening away from all that, and get up the next day and go see her again - and then leave the minute she got rude again. It took her a couple of times to realize that I wasn't playing that game, but it did eventually get across to her. She was sweet as peaches today - even got all teary eyed and hugged me before I left - but I know that by tomorrow she could be accusing me of poisoning her and turning all her doctors against her again.
Do not be lulled into a false sense of security! Actually, now that I think of it, she's always been this way. I bet your mom has too.
I have just come to the place and it is a sad place to be with ones own mother that I limit my contact and interaction with her in a limited measure as much as possible given that we live in the same house. My son ended up facilitating my mother moving to the bedroom down from ours due to heat/cold issues and so she can no longer note my comings and goings from my bedroom, so that is nice. Definitely with her you give her an inch and she will take a mile. All I can say is thank God for my husband, there is no way I could live with her if he wasn't here.
I have just come to the place and it is a sad place to be with ones own mother that I limit my contact and interaction with her in a limited measure as much as possible given that we live in the same house. My son ended up facilitating my mother moving to the bedroom down from ours due to heat/cold issues and so she can no longer note my comings and goings from my bedroom, so that is nice. Definitely with her you give her an inch and she will take a mile. All I can say is thank God for my husband, there is no way I could live with her if he wasn't here.
Just be sure you put your husband and your marriage and your family before your mother's demands.
Well. Another day, another dollar. Except - minus the dollar.
Today I was awakened by a frantic call from my dad, who was in agony. He told me, "Come over here and pick me up and take me to my doctor. I have the worst headache I've ever had in my life." So of course I get up and get dressed and get over there. On my way there, my poor mom calls me, even more frantic, and says, "Where are you? You dad wants me to call an ambulance!" I said, "I'm nearly there - don't call an ambulance."
I got there and my dad is holding his head in both hands and groaning and can not move his head without agony. Also, his neck and arms are hurting terribly. So off we go - not to his doctor but to the ER.
When he got there and took off his shirt, what do we all see that he couldn't see? A red, raised rash, snaking from the back of his head down his neck and down both arms.
Shingles.
They ran a CAT scan and other stuff just to be sure he wasn't having a stroke or aneurysm and then shot him full of morphine and gave him about four prescriptions including hydrocodone and other stuff for shingles and inflammation (prednisone as well).
Prior to the CAT scan, my usually stoic dad, who I have literally never seen out of control, was holding his head and crying in pain. I was so scared I felt like I was about to have a panic attack, but I managed to hold it together till they carted him off for the CAT scan.
My mother was at home waiting for the van to come pick her up for psychiatric outpatient therapy that lasts all day, so thankfully I didn't have to worry about her being home alone.
Anyway, I texted my entire immediate family - adult kids and brothers. Most of them responded in private text messages and I also updated everyone on the group text.
My youngest daughter - the one who thinks that I am Lucifer apparently - didn't respond. She did, however, send a text to my dad's phone. He doesn't text and never checks his text messages- I'm not even sure he knows HOW to check his text messages. But I heard the notification, saw the text from her, and texted her back from my phone telling her that she should probably call him or me later since he doesn't do texts.
She didn't call me of course. She called him later in the afternoon - I was still with him because we had just gotten him home after filling his prescriptions. Oh, she was sweet as peaches. Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. He was slightly confused due to the morphine and having a hard time concentrating on the conversation, so when he lagged I would fill in the details. "It lasts about 2-4 weeks." "They gave him a shot of morphine - he doesn't have a prescription for morphine." That sort of thing. She did not respond to me at all, directing all of her conversation only to him.
Well.
So I texted her with some sort of detail, I can't remember what - privately. She responded with "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to my granddad" or something snarky like that. Oh my gosh! I waited awhile and after I left my parents' house, I called my brother and in our conversation I just broke down crying. I said, "You know, this isn't about me, but honestly - I've had one helluva day. I was trying to put petty differences aside and just reach out to my daughter and keep her in the loop and I feel like she just kicked me when I was down. I am not asking for her pity, or even sympathy, but just some empathy toward me." He said, "You should tell her this.
So I did. I sent her a text (because she won't answer the phone when I call), and I said, "I need to tell you how I feel. I was so scared for my dad today. I am not asking for sympathy or pity, but I was hoping for some empathy from my adult daughter. The last thing you said to me the other day was to F off and leave you alone, but I thought we could put things aside in a time like this. Instead I feel like all I did was give you another opportunity to get a dig in. I've been under so much stress lately and my nerves are raw. I'm not Superwoman." (That was the gist of it.)
She responded with "I'm an extremely empathetic but your actions lately don't leave me with any empathy for you. And unlike you, I know when to STOP. I have nothing to say to you right now. Leave me alone."
GOOD GRIEF.
So, here's my takeaway.
My dad has surgery next week for his bladder cancer. I will not be calling her. I am not even sure she knows he has surgery coming up. Anyway, she can find out about it by hook or by crook. I am not going to volunteer to stand in line to be ***** slapped.
I am so sorry. Shingles is truly of the devil. My Dad had lifelong nerve damage and residual pain caused by a bout of shingles. (Public service announcement: anyone who is old enough to get vaccinated against shingles and can tolerate the vaccination should seriously consider having it done.)
You have really been hit with a ridiculous amount of awfulness in a short period of time. I am hoping your father's shingles clears up as soon as possible and his surgery is successful. I hope your mother doesn't have any health emergencies in the near future. You really, really deserve a break.
It sounds as if your daughter is blaming you for all sorts of things that have nothing to do with you and is either unwilling or unable to provide any support or encouragement to you. We kids don't always have the maturity to see our parents as separate people with actual human needs in our young adult years. I think I was middle-aged before I was able to be anything more than a trial to my mom, and my dad didn't live long enough to see me become a useful creature resembling an actual person. It's quite possible that your daughter will mature into someone who is horrified by her current behavior toward you. But for now, she's saying she can't deal with seeing that her mother is a vulnerable human being with needs, and she wants to be left alone. Sadly, you have little choice but to hope she comes to her senses.
I would think and expect that you'll be vilified for not keeping her in the loop next week. So your choices boils down to keeping her in the family new loop-- but expecting zero response from her -or- no contact at all. Would she drag the rest of the family in? Is there a neutral person that can act as a buffer?
Did this problem start when your mother fell? I read about your Easter situation with daughter. I wonder if your situation with your daughter is like my mom's and sister where sister hasn't really come to terms with how our mother did things when we were younger. Ultimately, she feels that my mom could've done more, made better choices, etc. So as she's raising and dealing with her kids, that's the mindframe she's operating from and it brews resentment. I did point out she needs to come to terms, and that her kids will do the same-- but my sister won't budge from this and believes she won't make the same "mistakes". It's a rather self centered view, I don't know if she'll break out of it or not.
"The last thing you said to me the other day was to F off and leave you alone, but I thought we could put things aside in a time like this."
I'm going to play Devil's Advocate. And I am very sorry for the pain and torment you-all are going through.
What you essentially told her is that even though she told you to leave her alone, you don't care what she wants. You're going to push your way into her life anyway. She's tried to limit contact with you. You don't respect her boundaries.
Quote:
My dad has surgery next week for his bladder cancer. I will not be calling her. I am not even sure she knows he has surgery coming up. Anyway, she can find out about it by hook or by crook. I am not going to volunteer to stand in line to be ***** slapped.
Your daughter sees it as standing up for herself. I think the way forward may be to scrupulously respect her wishes, until the time she wants to re-establish contact.
I am so sorry. Shingles is truly of the devil. My Dad had lifelong nerve damage and residual pain caused by a bout of shingles. (Public service announcement: anyone who is old enough to get vaccinated against shingles and can tolerate the vaccination should seriously consider having it done.)
You have really been hit with a ridiculous amount of awfulness in a short period of time. I am hoping your father's shingles clears up as soon as possible and his surgery is successful. I hope your mother doesn't have any health emergencies in the near future. You really, really deserve a break.
It sounds as if your daughter is blaming you for all sorts of things that have nothing to do with you and is either unwilling or unable to provide any support or encouragement to you. We kids don't always have the maturity to see our parents as separate people with actual human needs in our young adult years. I think I was middle-aged before I was able to be anything more than a trial to my mom, and my dad didn't live long enough to see me become a useful creature resembling an actual person. It's quite possible that your daughter will mature into someone who is horrified by her current behavior toward you. But for now, she's saying she can't deal with seeing that her mother is a vulnerable human being with needs, and she wants to be left alone. Sadly, you have little choice but to hope she comes to her senses.
Thank you so much for your sweet words.
I do have some choice in this when it comes to my daughter. By that I mean that I can choose not to grovel, and not to be a punching bag or a door mat, and I can choose to keep my personal boundaries in place when it comes to what I expect out of relationships - the give AND the take.
The last thing I need right now is a snarky daughter giving me more grief. Ain't nobody got time fo dat.
I will sure be glad to get a break from some of this. Lord, PLEASE let my husband and me go on vacation before the end of the year!!!!!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
...(snips)...
My youngest daughter - the one who thinks that I am Lucifer apparently - didn't respond.
She didn't call me of course.
So I texted her with some sort of detail, I can't remember what - privately. She responded with "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to my granddad" or something snarky like that.
I was hoping for some empathy from my adult daughter. The last thing you said to me the other day was to F off and leave you alone, but I thought we could put things aside in a time like this. Instead I feel like all I did was give you another opportunity to get a dig in. I've been under so much stress lately and my nerves are raw. I'm not Superwoman." (That was the gist of it.)
She responded with "I'm an extremely empathetic but your actions lately don't leave me with any empathy for you. And unlike you, I know when to STOP. I have nothing to say to you right now. Leave me alone."
GOOD GRIEF.
So, here's my takeaway.
My dad has surgery next week for his bladder cancer. I will not be calling her. I am not even sure she knows he has surgery coming up. Anyway, she can find out about it by hook or by crook. I am not going to volunteer to stand in line to be ***** slapped.
I am so sick of this.
When my mother had shingles she described it as excruciating pain that just did not go away for weeks. I hope that it goes away quickly for your dad.
I am so sorry for the difficulties with your youngest daughter. I don't understand what she thinks that you are doing that is so wrong? Doesn't know that her grandmother has serious problems?
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