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My 89 year old MIL was removed from her home and placed in a care home about eight weeks ago. Her self-imposed lack of nutrition and refusal to drink came home to roost and manifested itself as lymphedema, CHF, kidney failure...
DH went to see her almost as soon as we found out. I could not go due to other commitments. He reported back that she was quiet, very much changed in appearance (we'd last seen her in February) but that her appetite was improved. That last is probably due to her finally getting the antidepressants she'd refused to take on her own. She is not bedridden but she can't walk. Apparently she has some sort of mobile recliner they move her to and from.
I know MIL has a DNR but I've don't know what kind of medical personnel she's under the care of, if any.
So we've decided to go find out. A friend who is an RN gave me some information on bedsores and where they typically show up. I don't know what else I should check for to give us the peace of mind that she's being cared for properly.
And as Germaine said yesterday, a timeline would be useful. If she's comfortable, stabilized and doing ok in the care home, that's one thing, but if her passing is felt to be imminent, that's another. I know it will be hard but we want to be there.
My 89 year old MIL was removed from her home and placed in a care home about eight weeks ago. Her self-imposed lack of nutrition and refusal to drink came home to roost and manifested itself as lymphedema, CHF, kidney failure...
DH went to see her almost as soon as we found out. I could not go due to other commitments. He reported back that she was quiet, very much changed in appearance (we'd last seen her in February) but that her appetite was improved. That last is probably due to her finally getting the antidepressants she'd refused to take on her own. She is not bedridden but she can't walk. Apparently she has some sort of mobile recliner they move her to and from.
I know MIL has a DNR but I've don't know what kind of medical personnel she's under the care of, if any.
So we've decided to go find out. A friend who is an RN gave me some information on bedsores and where they typically show up. I don't know what else I should check for to give us the peace of mind that she's being cared for properly.
And as Germaine said yesterday, a timeline would be useful. If she's comfortable, stabilized and doing ok in the care home, that's one thing, but if her passing is felt to be imminent, that's another. I know it will be hard but we want to be there.
The most important thing for not just yourself but your MIL..is to leave nothing unsaid. Give her all the love and if possible talk all about the good times..remember specials times..IF any difficulties ..iron them out..Let her know you love for her..So many positive things you can do in finals days/weeks/months!
As a HC provider..I know that time is precious to these folks and want to feel THEY MATTERED..BUT with diagnosis of her..especially kidney failure..Her lucidity will decline rather quickly. So take advantage of any time when she is LUCID..Let her know she is loved..and you only want her to be comfortable...The recollections will help refresh her feelings..wether you know it or not..AS HC provider..I heard so many times the ramblings of convo's with relatives thru the patient..and those smiles I will never forget
My 89 year old MIL was removed from her home and placed in a care home about eight weeks ago. Her self-imposed lack of nutrition and refusal to drink came home to roost and manifested itself as lymphedema, CHF, kidney failure...
DH went to see her almost as soon as we found out. I could not go due to other commitments. He reported back that she was quiet, very much changed in appearance (we'd last seen her in February) but that her appetite was improved. That last is probably due to her finally getting the antidepressants she'd refused to take on her own. She is not bedridden but she can't walk. Apparently she has some sort of mobile recliner they move her to and from.
I know MIL has a DNR but I've don't know what kind of medical personnel she's under the care of, if any.
So we've decided to go find out. A friend who is an RN gave me some information on bedsores and where they typically show up. I don't know what else I should check for to give us the peace of mind that she's being cared for properly.
And as Germaine said yesterday, a timeline would be useful. If she's comfortable, stabilized and doing ok in the care home, that's one thing, but if her passing is felt to be imminent, that's another. I know it will be hard but we want to be there.
My mom hasn't eaten a meal in a month. She barely drinks any fluids. When people get old, they lose their sense of taste. The last to leave is the taste for sweet things. Don't force her to eat - she could choke. But the hospice people will tell you that.
Is another family member with her? If so, please come in gently. My sister and I are the main care givers for my mom. When others ask us questions, we feel like they are questioning our decisions. If we could turn over this care to them, we would do it gladly.
If you have questions, don't be afraid to ask, but phrase them in a non judgmental way. Sorry about your MIL.
Oh, and I was asked about a timeline by one sibling. There is no timeline.
Awwww, I'm sorry about your MIL and I know this is a difficult time.
I would recommend just talking with her about fond memories, telling her how much you love her favorite recipe or something like that, talk about the kids in the family and how they remind you of her in some way, that sort of thing.
As my MIL neared the end, she took great comfort in me reading very familiar passages to her from the bible, like the 23rd Psalm, the Sermon on the Mount, etc. She would visibly relax and breathe easier and it made me feel like I was really easing her anxiety.
Prayers and good thoughts from me to you and your family.
Is another family member with her? If so, please come in gently. My sister and I are the main care givers for my mom. When others ask us questions, we feel like they are questioning our decisions.
There is no point in asking questions. We know from our experience we won't get straight answers using any kind of approach.
I am visibly restraining myself right now from saying what I really think and what I know about transactions that were done in secret so that the people with the financial POA (that would be us) wouldn't find out.
While having a healthcare POA may give someone the right to make decisions about care, it does not give them the right to withhold information from family. It does not give them the right to decide, based on ancient grievances, who is family now and who is not, or that anyone who lives out of state is not family because they have not been Johnny-on-the-spot every moment of every day.
And that is all I have to say about that.
Thank you, everyone else, for your support and suggestions. I've taken them to heart.
It can help a little to take a big box of cookies, etc. to the staff and let them know that they are appreciated and that the family is aware of them and all they do.
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