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My folks and I are in Colorado and my two older brothers live in Florida.
One of them contacted me a couple of weeks ago and informed me that my folks are getting awful care and that they are spending way too much money staying in this imo very nice assisted living community.
My other brother, the oldest just doesn't conact any of us for months on end.
Nice to be the family's saviour from 2500 miles away.
They are always are. Those who do the least seem to know the most.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626;45276068[B
]How can your brother possibly know that your parents are getting "awful care" from 2,500 miles away?
[/b]
I don't remember from your previous posts if it your parent's money or money paid by their three children to stay in the assisted living community. Sadly, some adult children see their parents spending what they (the adult children) feel is their inheritance money on health care/ nursing homes/ and other expenses and want it to stop. Sometimes they would rather have the parents live in poverty or be cared for by a different sibling (not them) for free or some other ridiculous situation.
Good luck to you.
It's not awful care the brother is concerned about, it's "awfully expensive" care he worries about.
Quote:
Originally Posted by McGowdog
Thanks for responses.
Yeah, it seems that he's taking offense to seeing folks spend their savings and social security on their own healthcare, and assisted living expenses which in my mind is very adequate and worth it.
I know what it was like trying to help them live in that home by themselves, to try and feed themselves, figure out their medicine, pay their bills, etc. It was a nightmare.
My cousins and I just finished getting the house they lived in cleared out and cleaned out and put back up for rent and I sold my mom's car for 4000.00 and will disperse 1200.00 into her checking and 2800.00 into my dad's savings. Meanwhile, I pay their bills, see them several times a week, bring them clothes and things, bring them food they like, fresh cantaloupe and watermelon, etc.
I'm actually happy watching them get healthier and less stressed and excited to meet new people.
You're doing a good job. It sounds like you're also keeping good records so in case you get any "questions" from the other two.
And just a heads up, once you're parents are gone and the house is sold, of if the house is sold prior to them passing, even the brother you never hear from will arrive on the scene. But you probably know this.
It's amazing, they can't never visit or ask if you need any help, can tell you what you're doing wrong from thousands of miles away, but when it's $$$$$ time, suddenly they're there in person.
There is no house to fight over, and now no car. Car was sold for 4000, 1200 to mom and 2800 to dad.
Good question about the falls. LAst month, they were due to pacemaker problems.
This time, I think she just got excited trying to answer the phone.
She looked great last night. Saw her at the hosp. SHe has a bump on here head near her ear. HIt herself going down on the walker. They admitted and hecked her out because she was taking blood thinner.
Get to bring her home from hosp on the way home from work.
In many places, if a patient falls in a facility and bumps their head, the facility legally must call an ambulance. Many don't have doctors available 24/7 on staff and a head injury needs to be checked out.
So glad your mother is doing well and did not do serious damage with broken bones.
In many places, if a patient falls in a facility and bumps their head, the facility legally must call an ambulance. Many don't have doctors available 24/7 on staff and a head injury needs to be checked out.
So glad your mother is doing well and did not do serious damage with broken bones.
Shamrock, that's the way it was where my dad was in assisted living. He fell a couple times without hitting anything and got mad that they called me. I had to tell him several times that they are required by Federal law to call us.
After his health took a turn for the worse, we had to put him in a nursing home. The assisted living told us he has to, in case of emergencies ( storms, fire, etc) he has to be able to get up on his own and get out in the hall way to his "emergency spot", where he is to go so they can check on everybody. After 3 rounds of pneumonia in 4 months he got too weak to stay.
In many places, if a patient falls in a facility and bumps their head, the facility legally must call an ambulance. Many don't have doctors available 24/7 on staff and a head injury needs to be checked out.
So glad your mother is doing well and did not do serious damage with broken bones.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kygman
Shamrock, that's the way it was where my dad was in assisted living. He fell a couple times without hitting anything and got mad that they called me. I had to tell him several times that they are required by Federal law to call us.
After his health took a turn for the worse, we had to put him in a nursing home. The assisted living told us he has to, in case of emergencies ( storms, fire, etc) he has to be able to get up on his own and get out in the hall way to his "emergency spot", where he is to go so they can check on everybody. After 3 rounds of pneumonia in 4 months he got too weak to stay.
Thank you for your responses.
They have become very pertinent now.
An update about my mom. She's continued to fall over the last 5 or so months, never hurting herself more than a bruise above her eye.
But it's progressed and been explained as being caused by many things.. Her blood pressure rising when she stands and getting dizzy, her gate or walk being too much of a shuffle, her decrease in weight fromm 100 lbs to 90, then from 90 to 80, her being mostly blind with bad macular degeneration, just too many things.
Now I see I haven't posted since before mid November, when I took her to a special surgeon in the Denver Metro area. She had a tumor in her bile duct area affecting her kidneys, liver, small intestine area, etc. They've been monitoring it I think for a couple of years and dealt with it using a stint, which worked pretty well. But it turned cancerous, so they went after it somewhat non-invasively through her throat, stomach, etc. and removed much of it, but some was in a diverticulum pocket in or near her small intestine, so they shored it up with a stint, which has seemed to work as well as possible up to now.
Has her brain metastasized by now? Maybe. But she's done doing any kind of surgery, her request, and we don't blame her for that.
So Hospice has been helping her for the last few months, but the assisted living facility cannot keep her from falling.
My dad has been doing really well meanwhile, except for what I discovered two days ago, due to try caring for my mom the last few years, he's so absolutely exhausted all the time because she either won't let him sleep, or he's just in fear 24/7 that she's going to fall. He goes days without bathing because of this, even having a hard time finding time to go to the bathroom because of worrying she's gonna get up and fall.
Recently, he tried to help her up instead of pushing the button for help and he fell. He's tried to and been successful in helping her shower, but.this is.dangerous.
A lot of this is news to me because two days ago, I had a meeting with the assisted living folks and the Hospice folks.
My dad is not good at verbalizing these things.
Now I.understand.
So yesterday I went back to the nursing home they were briefly in, and signed some papers to facilitate my mom going back there, while my dad stays at the assisted living facility.
What a rough deal.
For one thing, my dad is too well to qualify for the nursing home.
He's got potential dementia settling in so, since he's so adjusted there, recognizes it as home, recognizes the staff, etc., it would be wrong to take him from there anyway.
Last Summer, my mom was in the hospital for a week and my dad was at the assisted living facility by himself, and after a few days, he seemed like a new man. Looking back, partly it was because he got rest.
My mom discourages him from going to the cafeteria to eat. Why? She's afraid to be left alone.
This is gut-wrenching stuff. It sucks. But things are going to change again big-time now. In some ways, there's relief. We've gotten worn out from those She's fallen again calls over the last year. That's the main problem, but there are so many more.
My brothers from Florida are coming out Friday/ Saturday. I guess I'll get to hear their side of how we've done then.
You have faced the issues that so many of us are or will face regarding those who live so much longer in frail health. It is so sad and exhausting for all involved.
Sorry to hear about your mom's physical decline. My dad has macular degeneration, I know how terrible that is.
I hope that having your mother get additional assistance will allow your dad to regain some of his strength. Are the assisted living/ nursing wings near each other so your dad can visit/see her?
I know the friends of my folks who went to AL wanted that as a requirement, they didn't want to be totally separated.
Unfortunately, the places are about 20 miles apart. But I told my dad, what we'll do is just like when she was in the hospital. I'll or someone will pick him up and take him to go see her. Short frequent visits.
Wow mcGodog i can really relate to many of your experiences. Last christmas i got some frantic calls from relatives that my parents were not doing well physically and mentally and my mom was hospitalized at that time for some heart issues. i live in a different state and had seen them over thanksgiving where they had seemed ok to me (altho i am not close to them and don't spend tons of time with them). from dec to april was a flurry of trying to figure out what was best for them and we ended up moving them into an assisted living facility in march. my dad didn't want to go originally but now loves it. they both need so much medication and they couldn't do that on their own. my dad was diagnosed w/ dementia and my mom also has some severe short term memory issues. this ALF is super nice ($8K a month nice) and this has caused us to need to empty out their house of 45 years to renovate and rent it out (very HCOL area, will rent for about $7-8K hopefully by this summer). my dad is very dependent on my mom and also yells at her a lot which confuses her more. but overall my sister and i saw huge improvements in their physical and mental health after being at the ALF. just having regular medication and meals and no stress has helped them tons. We are expecting them to live a long life there (my mom just turned 80) so we need to plan for the financial long term for them. but overall we just had no other options at that time and now we are happy they were able to move into this great ALF with lots of fun activities and people to care for them 24/7.
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