Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Elder care has changed a lot due to medical advances and procedures that prolong life but often leave people in states of lingering with chronic conditions that are debilitating. You can't judge what people did years ago compared to now. It used to be that elderly tended to be shriveled and frail, but many now are obese. Have you ever tried to change a diaper on a 250 pound person? I dealt with my mother-in-law and mother who both lingered for years and it's easy to criticize others' choices. My mother fortunately got to remain in her home as we had caregivers, but my mother-in-law required 24/7 care which simply cost too much (12k a month). None of us were able to quit our jobs to take care of her around the clock so she was put in a facility for the last month. I agree that nursing facilities tend to be depressing places that are the "end of the road" for most people, but sometimes a family reaches a point where there is no other choice.
Thanks everyone for your Reponses. We do not have any say in this and we know that. We are just heart broken. It is my understanding that the Uti was so bad and septic it may have messed with her mind. I was also told that she may not even realize she will be going to a NH. She does not have dementia or Alzheimer's, in fact her mind was completely with it 1 month ago. I know she will die sooner or later but I just feel bad for my mom who cries everyday about this. She's already lost one sibling and then eventually my Aunt. I told my mom if and when she does pass away she will be better off because she's been suffering long time.
It is sad. The only positive thing I have to say is sometimes you have to do what is best for the patient.
I also worked in a nursing home for about 2 months. (I was an asst. cook.) Some family members did not even tell the elderly person they were bringing her to a NH. We had one lady that cried to go home every night. She would pack her things and tell the staff that her family was coming to get her. It was heart breaking.
But I have many more good stories too. Some of the staff members are really great.
With most nursing home where people are treated like family people will live longer then at home as they will get the best diet and medical attention , where at home they would only get a portion of care and if they cannot walk than the nursing home will be their destination .... Still need family members to visit them weekly at the lest for their dignity ......
This is just my honest opinion and I know I'll get slack for what I am about to say. I feel nursing homes are the end of the road for a loved one. No one in my family has ever been or been put in a nursing home not even my Great grandmother who ended up living with her son until she died at age 95. ( I was 4 years old) My mom has been a caregiver all of her life for both of her parents, her brother my dad. (all passed away). She made a promise to them that they'd never be put in a home but that they could die at home as long as she had help. (nurses aides). My 74 year old Aunt's health has been declining over the last 15 years due to obesity, falling etc.... She is currently in the hospital for an untreated UTI that became septic in her blood. She's been immobile for the last 5 years and has lymphedema in both legs. She can be a difficult patient as my mom has stated and non-compliant. Now the Hospital wants her out and my Uncle has told my mom "we are thinking about putting her in a home." She has always had a strong will to live but once she goes in to a home she will give up and die. My mom is sure of this. Why can't my Aunt be in her own home and my Uncle hire a live in Nurses aide??? It seems as if my Uncle and the rest of her family have given up on her. She has a daughter who is 50 years old who retired from nursing, a son who is a retired paramedic and 8 grown grand children in their 20's who could all help out. She lives in Florida and we are in NY. I understand not everyone can be or wants to be a caregiver but she's a good woman and deserves to be comfortable in her own home and not a nursing home. Thoughts???
Where to even start? Let's start with your assertion that your aunt is a "good woman", an assertion contradicted by your own description of her. She is largely to blame for her own difficulties ("non-compliant") yet you seem to feel she is deserving of super-human sacrifices on the part of others.
But quite aside from the personal failings of your aunt, you do raise a philosophical question about whether it is desirable to do everything conceivable to keep people out of nursing homes. Your mom loved being the martyr apparently, and her dedication to be of service to others is impressive. But it doesn't follow that because your mom did it, then it becomes a moral imperative for everyone else. You are making the case for a certain rigid ideology which I do not accept. Not everyone is cut out to stand up under the sacrifices necessary to do what you advocate. Elderly parents have no right to call upon their children to give up their own lives; the parents had the children in order to launch them on their own independent lives, not to be life-long servants for the parents. (At least if the parents were psychologically healthy).
Where to even start? Let's start with your assertion that your aunt is a "good woman", an assertion contradicted by your own description of her. She is largely to blame for her own difficulties ("non-compliant") yet you seem to feel she is deserving of super-human sacrifices on the part of others.
But quite aside from the personal failings of your aunt, you do raise a philosophical question about whether it is desirable to do everything conceivable to keep people out of nursing homes. Your mom loved being the martyr apparently, and her dedication to be of service to others is impressive. But it doesn't follow that because your mom did it, then it becomes a moral imperative for everyone else. You are making the case for a certain rigid ideology which I do not accept. Not everyone is cut out to stand up under the sacrifices necessary to do what you advocate. Elderly parents have no right to call upon their children to give up their own lives; the parents had the children in order to launch them on their own independent lives, not to be life-long servants for the parents. (At least if the parents were psychologically healthy).
I agree. Something worthy of mentioning is that caring for an elderly parent because of medical advances can go on for years. It used to be a person lived independently until a catastrophic event ended their life rather quickly (heart attack, stroke, cancer) but that is no longer the case. Providing 24/7 care to a parent means to literally give up your own life and often results in neglected children/marriage, ruined finances, and a decimated retirement which just puts the next generation in an even worse position to deal with long term care. Your life becomes hinged on the condition of your parent, and your daily existence revolves around doctor appointments and keeping your parent from the brink of death. If you have never lived this you cannot understand how gut-wrenching deciding on a nursing home can be.
If I reach the point of needing a nursing home, I have contingency plans. .45 of them.
Arrange it in a place where no one you know will find you - call the police or something and in a place where the mess won't be bad on the people who have to clean it up...seriously.
Considering how strongly you feel family support should be given to keep loved ones out of nursing homes, I hope you are planning a visit to your aunt once she is home to give your uncle a respite. It takes a village.
It will be good preparation for when you will begin your mother's care, in the future.
Yep, it's a sad thing when our elderly loved ones have to be put in nursing homes. This didn't happen 50+ years ago because, like was mentioned, people didn't have lingering illnesses; they had a heart attack, stroke or cancer and died. Now we have better medical advances and when those fail we hook people up to machines to force them to stay alive. :-(
On top of that, most women, who used to be in the home, are now working leaving nobody to care for their elderly mothers and fathers. It's a sad situation and it makes me wonder how "advanced" we really have become compared to 50 years ago.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It is sad. The only positive thing I have to say is sometimes you have to do what is best for the patient.
