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You're worried about hurting his feelings but what about the feelings of people who have to be around a person who smells this terrible? Also, I don't think you are doing him any favors by covering up things like his electric disconnection notice. You're enabling him to think he's in better health than he is.
I know several people with dementia issues and I realize they have a difficult time realizing how much they are failing. But allowing him to think he's in control of his life when he's clearly not seems to me to be a disservice to him. You keep mentioning how "proud" he is. Other people might consider that to be stubborn and self-centered, even when it's brought on by a health issue.
I hope you are making plans for his future care because if you have even had to take over his feeding to keep him nourished properly, he's declining rapidly. For his sake, don't be in denial about the seriousness of his situation. He's not going to get better and the whole family needs to be prepared for worse dementia-related problems such as wandering.
First of all, I am worried about treating him with respect, not just hurting his feelings. It's allowing him to keep his dignity. Second of all, we are pretty much the only people he is around, so I am not worried about the feelings of other people. He isn't going out in public smelling bad, he showers if we are going out to dinner and as I said in a previous post, he ventured down the mountain today to get his hair cut and he DID shower, again, as I mentioned. Also, as I mentioned in my OP, he will sometimes shower before we run errands. It's us that is around him when he hasn't washed and I was simply asking for suggestions on how to tell him he is starting to smell and get him to shower without hurting his feelings.
We feed him to make sure he's eating enough because he's too lazy to cook dinner for himself. Where we used to live, he'd just go out and get something, we don't really have that luxury now. My mother fed him every meal he ever ate for the 46 years they were married. If she went out of town, she precooked for him. He's never been one to cook, even on the grill.
I am not sure why everyone keeps coming back to dementia. He doesn't have dementia, he has Alzheimers related changes to his brain (as diagnosed by his neurologist) and hasn't even been diagnosed with Alzheimers.
He is proud and I personally don't care what other people may see that as. He's not really around other people and the few people he does see in the neighborhood, he sees outside since we live in a mountain area. The one neighbor he speaks to the most lives across the road from him and has his 98 year old mother living with him. Most of us live up here because we don't want to be around a lot of people.
He is still running his company, though not as hands on as before, but that wouldn't be surprising for any 82 year old.
I appreciate all the helpful suggestions. I guess he's higher functioning than people here were thinking he was, so I guess I misrepresented the issue. I will find a way to do what I asked about in my OP and that is to get him to bathe more often and brush his teeth more.
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I am not sure why everyone keeps coming back to dementia. He doesn't have dementia, he has Alzheimers related changes to his brain (as diagnosed by his neurologist) and hasn't even been diagnosed with Alzheimers.
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I appreciate all the helpful suggestions. I guess he's higher functioning than people here were thinking he was, so I guess I misrepresented the issue. I will find a way to do what I asked about in my OP and that is to get him to bathe more often and brush his teeth more.
In general, people are saying dementia because that that is usually the general term for types of changes to the brain, short term memory problems and many of the things that you describe. Since you kept saying that he had changes to the brain but has not been diagnosed with Alzheimer's dementia seemed like an appropriate shorthand. You kept saying that he was forgetting to change his clothes, forgetting to change his urine pad, forgetting to shower, not eating well, etc. and then you wrote that he forgot to pay a bill and the electricity was almost turned off.
Maybe he is functioning higher than what you described or maybe you are just in denial about his true functioning level. We really don't know. But, I can tell you that I was in denial for years about how severe my husband's brain damage/dementia was becoming. Even as I started to take over more and more things, such as paying the bills, supervising his medications, etc. I still did not realize how much he had declined.
He might also have mobility issues when he goes to the toilet and has to remove his incontinence pads. Maybe he leaks on himself or his clothes when he pivots onto the toilet seat. It's very common. Maybe he doesn't replace the pads when they're already saturated. These are things you won't see unless you're a caregiver. All I can say is that he might need a weekly person to come in and do the laundry, clean up, and so on, if not more often. The adult washcloth and the adult wipes would be a good thing to have. Maybe you can get him a body wash that he might like and would make him want to shower more often.
In addition to this forum, there are support groups on line for people specifically with Alzheimer's and related disorders. Try to locate one and pose these same issues. These caregivers have great ideas on how to manage the care of our loved ones who have dementia and other issues.
Please be aware that in general, the sense of smell is one of the first that diminishes with age.
So, while you might be able to tell that he smells a bit like Urine, he most likely cannot. For that matter, his wife probably couldn't either.
He might feel more comfortable hearing it from your husband (depends of course on your relationship), but you might present it as something to keep him from embarassing himself inadvertently.
My father bathed less as he aged (even before he was bedbound); so that I think isn't 100% unusual (my father has no dementia, no brain issues). For him, once he was no longer going out into the world as much, he saw no reason to shower daily when it was just him and mom at home.
Now that he's bedridden, his hygeine is dependent on us, so he has less choice in the matter. Even so when I'll tell him we're putting on a clean shirt, or whatever he'll say "Ohh.. I don't need a clean shirt, this shirt isn't dirty". And I'll just tell him, "Well dad, I think you got some urine on it, so we're going to go ahead and change it anyway".
He's always suprised. He really can't smell the urine at all. As soon as I tell him that, he's always fine with having his shirt changed. He just doesn't want to do it because changing shirts = time/effort (for us to help him) = more laundry (that someone has to do for him), etc.. So he really just doesn't want to bother us.
Your FIL may be in the same boat, where he literally is unaware of the fact that he has an odor. I don't know how you tell him that without hurting/embarassing him. For my father and I, since I provide hygeine care, we had to get over embarassment years ago. So I'm just factual about it. (I don't say things like "You stink" or "PeeeYewww"). He trusts me that I want the best for him and so there it is.
As far as teeth brushing - yes - my dad also stopped that. Nothing I can do about that, I pick my battles. He is bedbound, so for him brushing his teeth would be difficult. That said, he has the supplies necessary, he just chooses not to. He has mints at his bedside, he enjoys them as a "treat"; so that's the best I've got.
As far as the Alzheimers related changes - they could be affecting your FIL personality, even before there are the level of changes in order to be diagnosed as dementia. So just be aware of that - the disease may be causing some of these issues; or the issues might just be a part of aging for your FIL. Either way, you'll just have to do your best to help him through.
My sis, and I to a lesser extent, ran into this problem with our mother, who was stubborn and independent. We had to insist she take a shower from time to time. I remember telling her to wash her hands after toileting.
I love Germaine's solution which works for her. In addition to the help they get from Harry, her husband is coming into daily contact with someone he probably feels is a friend. I'm sure it helps that Harry is a guy.
I think eventually, adult children do have to be firm with elders who "forget" to bathe and who wear the same clothing day after day. They don't have any idea that they are unclean or that they smell. The adult child becomes his or her parent, and this is difficult. I suspect you will have to assume this role at some point, even though you don't want to. It isn't easy, believe me.
You will have to finally decide to take a firmer role with your parent, or not to. It probably boils down to that. I know this is hard.
yes, you have to become the parent. The same thing happened with my mom. We had to force her to shower and help her also. She didn't know she smelled. She would wear the same clothes all the time - dirty too.
Its sad, but it is the cycle of life.
Oh, and she was happy after she bathed. Felt so much better. For us, it was hard to understand, but that was just how it was.
In addition to this forum, there are support groups on line for people specifically with Alzheimer's and related disorders. Try to locate one and pose these same issues. These caregivers have great ideas on how to manage the care of our loved ones who have dementia and other issues.
The national Alzheimer's Association (alz.org) has a 24 hour a day hot line 1-800-272-3900 for questions. I believe that there are other Alzheimer groups that also have hot lines and support groups.
My local Alzheimer's group has everything from classes for relatives & caregivers (Understanding Dementia, The Savvy Caregiver, etc) and many support groups for caregivers. They also have a wide range of social activities for seniors at all levels of dementia (including Alzheimer's), everything from Memory Cafes to special classes to help slow decline to art therapy to science related events to respite care. Some things are free and some things have a fee.
While I am lucky to live in an area with so much support for people with dementia and their loved ones, I had absolutely no idea about any of these things until I started asking and networking with others in local caregiver support groups. Your local (usually county wide) council on aging or senior services can give you additional information. They probably can set up a safety check of your dad's house to help keep him safer from falls and other injuries.
Sometimes starting with a compliment will soften a criticism. "Dad, you as such a good looking guy, why would you want to wear the same clothes for days"? (don't mention the urine smell).
Or - you have such nice teeth, how about brushing them so everyone can see?
First of all, I am worried about treating him with respect, not just hurting his feelings. It's allowing him to keep his dignity. Second of all, we are pretty much the only people he is around, so I am not worried about the feelings of other people. He isn't going out in public smelling bad, he showers if we are going out to dinner and as I said in a previous post, he ventured down the mountain today to get his hair cut and he DID shower, again, as I mentioned. Also, as I mentioned in my OP, he will sometimes shower before we run errands. It's us that is around him when he hasn't washed and I was simply asking for suggestions on how to tell him he is starting to smell and get him to shower without hurting his feelings.
We feed him to make sure he's eating enough because he's too lazy to cook dinner for himself. Where we used to live, he'd just go out and get something, we don't really have that luxury now. My mother fed him every meal he ever ate for the 46 years they were married. If she went out of town, she precooked for him. He's never been one to cook, even on the grill.
I am not sure why everyone keeps coming back to dementia. He doesn't have dementia, he has Alzheimers related changes to his brain (as diagnosed by his neurologist) and hasn't even been diagnosed with Alzheimers.
He is proud and I personally don't care what other people may see that as. He's not really around other people and the few people he does see in the neighborhood, he sees outside since we live in a mountain area. The one neighbor he speaks to the most lives across the road from him and has his 98 year old mother living with him. Most of us live up here because we don't want to be around a lot of people.
He is still running his company, though not as hands on as before, but that wouldn't be surprising for any 82 year old.
I appreciate all the helpful suggestions. I guess he's higher functioning than people here were thinking he was, so I guess I misrepresented the issue. I will find a way to do what I asked about in my OP and that is to get him to bathe more often and brush his teeth more.
I think there are ways to treat people with respect without being forced to walk on eggshells all the time. This will not be for a few weeks or a few months but possibly for years so you will need to adjust your style of communication to achieve health and safety for him when he objects.
Also, Alzheimer's is only ONE kind of dementia - there are many. Sure, Alzherimer's has a special stigma but they each have somewhat specific symptoms and progressions. If you don't want to call it dementia perhaps you feel more comfortable just admitting to his deficiencies, regardless of the supposed cause. But do see the issues so they can be addressed now rather than later.
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