Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Sometimes people just get tired of living, they're not necessarily suicidal but they aren't going to fight to stay alive and, in my opinion, nobody has the right to try and force it. She probably feels hopeless and overwhelmed because she knows it will be a challenge to lose 100-150 lbs and she doesn't want to bother. Maybe she's depressed and needs her medication adjusted. Do you live somewhere where the weather is nice enough for her to take very short walks? Can her diet be adjusted to where she can slowly lose weight?
Have you talked to her and asked her how she is really feeling and why she wants to give up?
Sometimes people just get tired of living, they're not necessarily suicidal but they aren't going to fight to stay alive and, in my opinion, nobody has the right to try and force it.
She's lived her life and it's basically over in an active sense. From here on in it's just fulfilling the basics, eating, breathing, enjoying a little TV, and then, dying. That's the cycle of life. At her age there are no more dreams and no realistic futures. Just hanging out and waiting for the end. You can't force someone to want to engage in life the way you might still want to. When you are old, that will be you, even if you don't think so right now. It will be you, and you will wait just like she is waiting. It's the cycle of life, which ends in the cycle of death. We all will have our time in this zone, unless we are spared by dying in our sleep or in a quick accident or health crisis. Stop fighting it. It's natural.
Ugh. This does not have to be true.
My paternal grandmother, who was not in great physical shape and had led a pretty hard life, spent much of her last decade blowing her remaining savings on world travel, all the places she'd dreamed of going when she was younger and too busy and responsible. When she was home, she was "school grandma" (it was a program her local school district had) to new refugee students. And a bunch of other things, too... She probably had more fun at the end of her life than she'd had most of her younger years and she also made a difference in people's lives right up until she got so ill she was bedridden. Even then, and even after her mind started to go, she was still great to visit with and still seemed to be getting some enjoyment, always cracking wise with anyone who'd stop to chat. I really hope I can follow her example when I am aged, should I live that long, and make the most of my twilight years. I know not everyone is as lucky as she was in terms of opportunities and good community and family connections, and that I may not be, but I hope I can at least learn from her general approach when the time comes, should I live so long.
My mother had her cardiologist appoinment today and went over the results of the MRI, it was not mini strokes rather Atherosclerosis. They are going to do labs and then will probably have to get more aggressive with her meds since she can't exercise.
What bothered me so much was to see my mother sit there with no expression on her face, no questions for the doctor and no "tell me what to do to make it better". If this were me I would want to know what I could do to make sure this went no further, as in affecting any other arteries in my body potentially causing a stroke and whatever else.
I think it has just really hit me that she really doesn't care whether she lives or dies and it just makes me sad and mad. I am tired because I am not sleeping well and dealing with some medical concerns of my own and this was not what I needed today. I am expected to do my part for her health but she doesn't have to do hers? Just doesn't seem fair to me.
I wouldn't ask the doctor for information regarding atherosclerosis, either. What's the point?
If I remember your previous threads correctly, your mom moved away from a state where she had lived for decades and away from her other two children. Even if it does not seem to you that she did a lot of things with friends back home maybe she did. And, even if her sons seemed to you to ignore her perhaps that really was not the case.
Maybe she is terribly homesick and wants to move back. She may be afraid to tell you because of all of the things that you have done for her.
Just something to think about.
Can your mother move into assisted living or else go live with one of your siblings? I think you need a big break.
Again thank you for your insight, you have definitely given me things to think about. It is a little easier said than done to step back and watch your parent give up on life and want to die. She survived breast cancer, her husband dying unexpectedly, the death of a very dear friend unexpectedly, I guess maybe it has just all been to much for her and she has nothing else to live for. Although I am sad you have all helped me understand that it is time to take a step back and leave her alone and know that i can't fix this.
Last edited by ajzjmsmom; 07-30-2016 at 04:04 PM..
I sort of understand where you're coming from. When my mother's dementia started kicking in, she refused to fight. She basically went into what I used to call "the pathetic martyr" mode full time. She expected everyone to drop everything and adjust their lives around her. This was nothing new, she was like this her whole life, it just got worse. She never even tried to fight it, just let it wash over her. Eventually it came to the point I could no longer care for her, and had to put her in assisted living. I wasn't as sad as I was angry, because I knew she was doing this consciously, at least at first.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it is their choice not to fight, and there isn't much you can do to change that. It is sad to see someone you love give up on their life, but you have the right to live yours as well.
Seriously?
People with dementia cannot "choose to fight".
What are you even talking about?
Like I always say, the biggest problem of the patient with cognitive disorders is often the family.
Like I always say, the biggest problem of the patient with cognitive disorders is often the family.
Luckily for me, she doesn't have cognitive disorders, clean bill of health in regards to that.
I think anyone can choose to fight, they just have to decide life is worth living but if someone you love chooses not to fight, it is a hard thing to come to grips with. I am having to learn that cajoling, begging or trying to force her to care is not possible, it is a hard place to be in. While I would prefer that she have her own apartment to live in due to our personality conflicts, never in the midst of all the issues we have had, have I wished her dead.
Last edited by ajzjmsmom; 07-30-2016 at 05:42 PM..
If I remember your previous threads correctly, your mom moved away from a state where she had lived for decades and away from her other two children. Even if it does not seem to you that she did a lot of things with friends back home maybe she did. And, even if her sons seemed to you to ignore her perhaps that really was not the case.
Maybe she is terribly homesick and wants to move back. She may be afraid to tell you because of all of the things that you have done for her.
Just something to think about.
She probably misses the familiar scenery, a couple of the neighbors, the mailman, the local supermarket. Sixties and ill isn't the time to be thrust into a new environment.
My brother recently got upset with my mother, who was not doing the exercises that had been prescribed by her physical therapist in order to gain strength and improve her walking after several bouts of hospital/rehab this spring and summer. He's uprooted his family to move in with her for a few months, to see if she can get to a point where she can live independently or with a little help, and I drive 1000+ miles round trip twice a month to give him a break. She hates doing the exercises, and even when her PT or OT is there, she tries to shluf them off. Finally, my brother blew up and said that he and his family had uprooted their lives in order to give her a chance to live on her own again, and said that I was "killing myself" running up and down the highway, and that the least she could do was do her d**n exercises and at least TRY -- otherwise, if she wasn't going to try, why should we? *sigh* It's frustrating, for sure.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
