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I feel for you and I'm sorry for your pain. But sometimes people are just finished. Done. You have to respect that. It doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate what you do for her.
My brother recently got upset with my mother, who was not doing the exercises that had been prescribed by her physical therapist in order to gain strength and improve her walking after several bouts of hospital/rehab this spring and summer. He's uprooted his family to move in with her for a few months, to see if she can get to a point where she can live independently or with a little help, and I drive 1000+ miles round trip twice a month to give him a break. She hates doing the exercises, and even when her PT or OT is there, she tries to shluf them off. Finally, my brother blew up and said that he and his family had uprooted their lives in order to give her a chance to live on her own again, and said that I was "killing myself" running up and down the highway, and that the least she could do was do her d**n exercises and at least TRY -- otherwise, if she wasn't going to try, why should we? *sigh* It's frustrating, for sure.
I've had another thought. Perhaps, your mother IS trying her best. Perhaps, she would rather just stay in bed all day, not get dressed and just lay there, with the curtains drawn, shutting out the entire world. Perhaps, for her, getting up and getting dressed and going to the senior center a couple days a week is a major challenge and a tremendous effort.
I think of the difference between two of my aunts who had major strokes that left them partially paralyzed and unable to walk, speak, or care for themselves. Both needed to be fed and washed and dressed by others.
One was a widow without any children, but had many loving friends & nieces & nephews as well as a sister who doted on her. This aunt basically "gave up" and it appeared that she just stopped trying to communicate or interact with the world around her. When I would visit her she would listen for few minutes and then just shut her eyes and ignore everyone in the room. She did not attempt to "help" when others were assisting getting her dressed. She often clinched her jaw as others tried to feed her. Maybe she was angry with the world that she was not healthy anymore. No one really knew. She died less than two years after her stroke.
My other aunt had a husband, eight adult children, plus numerous adult & young grandchildren as well as several siblings. She fought tooth and nail to be as independent as she could possible be. She did her exercises and "helped" when people were assisting her. And, continued to be active socially (as much as a person in a wheelchair, who could not hold objects, could not speak and could communicate only by nodding "yes" or "no" could be "active"). Her mind was sharp until she passed away about ten years after her initial stroke.
Two sisters and their attitudes were as different as night and day.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-31-2016 at 07:51 AM..
My brother recently got upset with my mother, who was not doing the exercises that had been prescribed by her physical therapist in order to gain strength and improve her walking after several bouts of hospital/rehab this spring and summer. He's uprooted his family to move in with her for a few months, to see if she can get to a point where she can live independently or with a little help, and I drive 1000+ miles round trip twice a month to give him a break. She hates doing the exercises, and even when her PT or OT is there, she tries to shluf them off. Finally, my brother blew up and said that he and his family had uprooted their lives in order to give her a chance to live on her own again, and said that I was "killing myself" running up and down the highway, and that the least she could do was do her d**n exercises and at least TRY -- otherwise, if she wasn't going to try, why should we? *sigh* It's frustrating, for sure.
It is very frustrating and while it is easy for others to say "oh she is old and the end of her life leave her be" that is easier said than done. I refuse to think that 68 is old because I am only 18 yrs away from that myself and I can't imagine that I will think my life is over in 18 years, I have grandchildren that I want to see graduate from high school and college and I want to meet my great grandchildren. I guess that is the difference between she and I, so my goal is to be just step back and let her be. I have lost it once with her along the same lines as your brother did, it didn't do any good.
I've had another thought. Perhaps, your mother IS trying her best. Perhaps, she would rather just stay in bed all day, not get dressed and just lay there, with the curtains drawn, shutting out the entire world. Perhaps, for her, getting up and getting dressed and going to the senior center a couple days a week is a major challenge and a tremendous effort.
I think of the difference between two of my aunts who had major strokes that left them partially paralyzed and unable to walk, speak, or care for themselves. Both needed to be fed and washed and dressed by others.
One was a widow without any children, but had many loving friends & nieces & nephews as well as a sister who doted on her. This aunt basically "gave up" and it appeared that she just stopped trying to communicate or interact with the world around her. When I would visit her she would listen for few minutes and then just shut her eyes and ignore everyone in the room. She did not attempt to "help" when others were assisting getting her dressed. She often clinched her jaw as others tried to feed her. Maybe she was angry with the world that she was not healthy anymore. No one really knew. She died less than two years after her stroke.
My other aunt had a husband, eight adult children, plus numerous adult & young grandchildren as well as several siblings. She fought tooth and nail to be as independent as she could possible be. She did her exercises and "helped" when people were assisting her. And, continued to be active socially (as much as a person in a wheelchair, who could not hold objects, could not speak and could communicate only by nodding "yes" or "no" could be "active"). Her mind was sharp until she passed away about ten years after her initial stroke.
Two sisters and their attitudes were as different as night and day.
I've had another thought. Perhaps, your mother IS trying her best. Perhaps, she would rather just stay in bed all day, not get dressed and just lay there, with the curtains drawn, shutting out the entire world. Perhaps, for her, getting up and getting dressed and going to the senior center a couple days a week is a major challenge and a tremendous effort.
I think of the difference between two of my aunts who had major strokes that left them partially paralyzed and unable to walk, speak, or care for themselves. Both needed to be fed and washed and dressed by others.
One was a widow without any children, but had many loving friends & nieces & nephews as well as a sister who doted on her. This aunt basically "gave up" and it appeared that she just stopped trying to communicate or interact with the world around her. When I would visit her she would listen for few minutes and then just shut her eyes and ignore everyone in the room. She did not attempt to "help" when others were assisting getting her dressed. She often clinched her jaw as others tried to feed her. Maybe she was angry with the world that she was not healthy anymore. No one really knew. She died less than two years after her stroke.
My other aunt had a husband, eight adult children, plus numerous adult & young grandchildren as well as several siblings. She fought tooth and nail to be as independent as she could possible be. She did her exercises and "helped" when people were assisting her. And, continued to be active socially (as much as a person in a wheelchair, who could not hold objects, could not speak and could communicate only by nodding "yes" or "no" could be "active"). Her mind was sharp until she passed away about ten years after her initial stroke.
Two sisters and their attitudes were as different as night and day.
I think the aunt who passed in 2 years got the better deal. Biological presence is not life. Being wheelchair ridden with permanently severely compromised motor skills and inability to speak is basically living death. It also drains the remaining family financially and emotionally and for no good reason other than to remain biologically present. This is where assisted suicide needs to become an option. We need to change our entire attitude about this, and make it universally available legally.
It is very frustrating and while it is easy for others to say "oh she is old and the end of her life leave her be" that is easier said than done. I refuse to think that 68 is old because I am only 18 yrs away from that myself and I can't imagine that I will think my life is over in 18 years, I have grandchildren that I want to see graduate from high school and college and I want to meet my great grandchildren. I guess that is the difference between she and I, so my goal is to be just step back and let her be. I have lost it once with her along the same lines as your brother did, it didn't do any good.
Because something is difficult is not a reason not to do it. The right thing to do is allow someone to make their own decision and decide for themselves how much they want to live. Some people give up and that's that. If you short change your own family by subdividing your time and focus and futilely try to change the mental state of a parent who has given up, you lose twice. Concentrate on your own family, and limit your contact with your mom to short and pleasant visits. There is really nothing else to be done once someone has decided that they are finished living an active life.
I've had another thought. Perhaps, your mother IS trying her best. Perhaps, she would rather just stay in bed all day, not get dressed and just lay there, with the curtains drawn, shutting out the entire world. Perhaps, for her, getting up and getting dressed and going to the senior center a couple days a week is a major challenge and a tremendous effort.
I think of the difference between two of my aunts who had major strokes that left them partially paralyzed and unable to walk, speak, or care for themselves. Both needed to be fed and washed and dressed by others.
One was a widow without any children, but had many loving friends & nieces & nephews as well as a sister who doted on her. This aunt basically "gave up" and it appeared that she just stopped trying to communicate or interact with the world around her. When I would visit her she would listen for few minutes and then just shut her eyes and ignore everyone in the room. She did not attempt to "help" when others were assisting getting her dressed. She often clinched her jaw as others tried to feed her. Maybe she was angry with the world that she was not healthy anymore. No one really knew. She died less than two years after her stroke.
My other aunt had a husband, eight adult children, plus numerous adult & young grandchildren as well as several siblings. She fought tooth and nail to be as independent as she could possible be. She did her exercises and "helped" when people were assisting her. And, continued to be active socially (as much as a person in a wheelchair, who could not hold objects, could not speak and could communicate only by nodding "yes" or "no" could be "active"). Her mind was sharp until she passed away about ten years after her initial stroke.
Two sisters and their attitudes were as different as night and day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella
I think the aunt who passed in 2 years got the better deal. Biological presence is not life. Being wheelchair ridden with permanently severely compromised motor skills and inability to speak is basically living death. It also drains the remaining family financially and emotionally and for no good reason other than to remain biologically present. This is where assisted suicide needs to become an option. We need to change our entire attitude about this, and make it universally available legally.
Well, my Aunt H, who lived for ten years after her stroke, clearly felt that she had more than a "biological presence". It was not like she was in persistent vegetative state, she could see, hear, taste, smell and touch/feel. She still slept in the same bed as her husband. She traveled to see her grandchildren in school plays, and various sporting events. She was a guest of honor at her grand daughter's wedding, and got to meet & spend time with her first great-grandchild. Even though she could not speak, I had many nice "chats" with her over her last years, including at her & her husband's 50th wedding anniversary celebration.
While it certainly was not easy for her family she was able to live at home until her death and was quite happy, under the circumstances.
She's lived her life and it's basically over in an active sense. From here on in it's just fulfilling the basics, eating, breathing, enjoying a little TV, and then, dying. That's the cycle of life. At her age there are no more dreams and no realistic futures. Just hanging out and waiting for the end. You can't force someone to want to engage in life the way you might still want to. When you are old, that will be you, even if you don't think so right now. It will be you, and you will wait just like she is waiting. It's the cycle of life, which ends in the cycle of death. We all will have our time in this zone, unless we are spared by dying in our sleep or in a quick accident or health crisis. Stop fighting it. It's natural.
I think what is upsetting to the OP is that her mother IS young - too young for many people (myself included) to imagine "just fulfilling the basics." For many people, that is NOT the cycle of life - not in one's sixties. For instance, in their sixties, my parents were still actively doing projects, traveling, exercising, buying and selling property, flying overseas for vacations, etc.
Many people are not OLD in their sixties! My gosh, my great uncle was still flying his own plane in his nineties, and my grandmother was still mowing her yard with a push mower, playing with grandbabies, and hosting big holiday get togethers in her eighties. My aunt in her nineties still lives independently and drives herself, cooks, goes to church, works in the yard, etc.
I don't blame the OP for being frustrated and sad with the situation.
Because something is difficult is not a reason not to do it. The right thing to do is allow someone to make their own decision and decide for themselves how much they want to live. Some people give up and that's that. If you short change your own family by subdividing your time and focus and futilely try to change the mental state of a parent who has given up, you lose twice. Concentrate on your own family, and limit your contact with your mom to short and pleasant visits. There is really nothing else to be done once someone has decided that they are finished living an active life.
Her mother lives WITH her. She can't limit her contact with her mom to short, pleasant visits.
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