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I think without question you did the right thing. No, to brother's inviting guests; yes to step- daughter's new room being off limits. You need a break, as does your husband. Is your brother fully aware, and I mean fully of your Mom's condition? Some sibling say they are but when reality hits them square in the face, they will say 'I didn't know it was this critical/bad'. It may not necessarily be insensitive on your brother's part but more so denial or something like that. Make plans for your husband and yourself to leave the house, go out and do something if it as minor as getting ice cream. Leave your brother with Mom to tend to her needs. Take a deep breath and do it. Sending happy and healing thoughts your way.
Your brother has absolutely NO idea of the realities of your mother's situation and the responsibilities and care it involves. He sounds totally unprepared to provide for her needs and provide you with respite. He is probably assuming they will be able to eat out, sit and visit, watch all their TV shows, and get 8 hrs of sleep each night.
I went through this with my sibling. She expected it to be like caring for a child with a cold.
PB, you did the right thing. Like others, it stuns me that your brother would make this request, but when you walk the path of a caregiver, I think you're bound to see pretty much anything from anybody. Playing devil's advocate for a second, I think your brother saw this as an opportunity to have a buffer between him and the reality of the situation, which is obviously declining.
I get where you're at with him. My brother was a complete moron on this stuff, too, so I had to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with him REAL QUICK-LIKE to set him straight. LOL It happened to be a "conversation" that had a lot of not-so-nice words thrown in, from the top of my lungs, unfortunately, but oh yeah, it happened and, thankfully, it was the wake-up call he needed to get his (stuff) together.
She has a catheter now because she can't get out of bed and stand on her own, let alone walk to the bathroom. Lifting her out of the bed onto the bedside commode is doable for now, but it is getting harder. I'm open to any suggestions anyone has to solve that problem....
Could you manage a bedpan? Your home health folks should be able to train you on this (rolling her to one side, positioning it, rolling her back, etc.). I tried a bedpan once with Mom, but it was a real trial and it didn't work anyway. If you try it, I recommend against using the plastic one they'll give you. It had sharp edges that threatened to cut right through Mom's thin skin. Get one of those old-fashioned metal ones that actually resemble a toilet seat.
If the bedpan isn't an option, the next step is diapers. That's a whole 'nother thing.
Op; you have your hands so full. I wish I had the right answer for you but I don't; except to tell you I think you are doing an amazing job.
Your brother; OMG he is clueless right now. INVITING FRIENDS? Is that his perception of caregiving? Does he even understand where you "are" in life right now?
I hope he has a renewed appreciation for what you do, every day, after this trip to give you "respite". If he even survives it.
Not just no, but HELL NO is the answer your brother deserved. How clueless could he be? He's going to combine a get-together with his friends with caring for his dying, bedridden mother? SMH
I hope he is truly able to give you some respite, but I have my doubts he knows what he is getting into. Sorry.
And put a sign up on the door to your stepdaughter's room: OFF LIMITS. So no one goes in there and sleeps.
I want to thank everyone who replied. I know it sounds silly to need this kind of reassurance but I that was just so stunning a request. The last time my brother and sister-in-law were here, my husband was working, so the only out of the house time I got was to do some grocery shopping and a mani/pedi. I think that was back in May, so Mom hadn’t declined so much and since I stayed home, I continued to do the essential caregiving.
And I think commenters in this forum, more than any other, give me a lot to think and reflect on. Thank you so much for this!
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Originally Posted by meo92953
This is YOUR life and if these people would harm your home, excuse me but they can stay in a hotel/motel whatever. Your loyalty should be with your family.
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Originally Posted by wasel
As far as your brothers' friends staying there, that would be hell to the no. How old are these people that they can't find a cheap hotel room or something?
He is trying to wrap a "respite visit for you" with a fun trip to make the whole thing more palatable.
I'm sorry I sound so harsh. I have a headache.
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Originally Posted by shamrock4
I would be stunned if a brother asked to have another couple stay in my home while I was attending to my dying mother. You were absolutely correct in saying an absolute no to that proposition.
While I was attending to my mother for a broken hip for 6 weeks, she was not dying but we had a rigorous schedule of meds, PT and OT visits, meals, naps, etc. I cannot see a strange "couple" to my mother and me staying in the house during that time. The idea of combining a social visit with friends in your home and providing respite time for you is ludicrous!
You were correct in protecting both your mother and yourself from extra stress and an uncomfortable situation.
I think maybe you’re on to something here, maybe an enticement for the friends to make the six hour drive up here for the visit, e.g., “You won’t be out anything but gas money.” Maybe the thought of some fun makes giving up Labor Day more palatable.
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Originally Posted by forum_browser
It's downright bizarre, honestly.
I really thought so, too. That’s why I just had to make my original post. Thanks for helping me see that I’m not the crazy one.
Your daughter is 17, not 10. She is old enough to see the reality of cancer. It's not all pink ribbons and football players wearing pink shoes and inspirational stories from survivors.
I struggle with this on a lot of levels. I have really gotten to hate the Breast Cancer Awareness with pink everywhere. I wish the focus was more on spending time with the sick and the survivors. They seem to be forgotten in all of the awareness.
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Originally Posted by forum_browser
I can't see how the experience of living with your ailing mother could hurt your stepdaughter. It's an opportunity for her to see how people in loving, functional families care for suffering and sick members.
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Originally Posted by lchoro
Your stepdaughter's room should be off-limits while it's being prepared for her to move in. You should easily be able to get your husband to stand up for this.
Also, the respite care offer is unacceptable unless he offers to hire a trained CNA for the time he's there. You don't have the time to train him, to jump in when he has difficulties, or to take over while they're out with their friends. The last point automatically disqualifies it as a respite. If he wants to come as a respite caregiver, his friends can't come and he has to be there 24 hours a day to look after your mom.
He doesn't know how much that costs! We have one come in occasionally and it's expensive but well worth it!
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Originally Posted by forum_browser
Another vote for keeping the interlopers out, for you and your mom more than for your stepdaughter. I can't even imagine what sort of clueless people would accept an invitation to stay overnight under such circumstances. I can't see how the experience of living with your ailing mother could hurt your stepdaughter. It's an opportunity for her to see how people in loving, functional families care for suffering and sick members.
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Originally Posted by historyfan
In what flipping universe does your brother live in?
I'm afraid I can predict right now -- there will be no respite for you.
And no you were not wrong. And your stepdaughter will be a nice addition to the household and a very healthy thing to have occur. Life is a cycle and life goes on. Having her in the household will help highlight that for you & your husband.
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Originally Posted by LoriNJ
Not just no, but HELL NO is the answer your brother deserved. How clueless could he be? He's going to combine a get-together with his friends with caring for his dying, bedridden mother? SMH
I hope he is truly able to give you some respite, but I have my doubts he knows what he is getting into. Sorry. And put a sign up on the door to your stepdaughter's room: OFF LIMITS. So no one goes in there and sleeps.
This is all so hard because it’s new. I have tough relations with the other two stepdaughters so I don’t want any roadblocks on the path. I feel like we have worked hard on this and she wants to come back. Those girls have so many roadblocks in their lives that come from their parent’s divorce, so putting it in a good light has been really helpful. Thanks for your thoughts.
I struggle with this on a lot of levels. I have really gotten to hate the Breast Cancer Awareness with pink everywhere. I wish the focus was more on spending time with the sick and the survivors. They seem to be forgotten in all of the awareness.
Yes, exactly that.
Thanks for saying it.
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