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Call the department of aging and ask for a social worker to come to make an assessment and give advice. They will help to assess options.
I would also call his primary care doctor, ask for advice by simply saying your family can no longer care for him with his mental illness untreated. Remind them your parents are no longer married. Indicate fears you have for children in the home.
The next time he goes to the ER, you tell the doctor that you can no longer care for him in your home any longer. They can't release him if he has no place to go. They must admit him, and then find an appropriate facility for placement.
The only scenario I would consider allowing him to remain in your home would be if he agreed to regular psychiatric care and was compliant with his medications.
I hope that family members are not enabling this situation by thinking they want to preserve father's money for their inheritance. It is not worth it, and father's money should be for father's care.
Call the department of aging and ask for a social worker to come to make an assessment and give advice. They will help to assess options.
I would also call his primary care doctor, ask for advice by simply saying your family can no longer care for him with his mental illness untreated. Remind them your parents are no longer married. Indicate fears you have for children in the home.
The next time he goes to the ER, you tell the doctor that you can no longer care for him in your home any longer. They can't release him if he has no place to go. They must admit him, and then find an appropriate facility for placement.
The only scenario I would consider allowing him to remain in your home would be if he agreed to regular psychiatric care and was compliant with his medications.
I hope that family members are not enabling this situation by thinking they want to preserve father's money for their inheritance. It is not worth it, and father's money should be for father's care.
The objective goal is the overall welfare of each adult.
I'd suggest he get the professional mental help thru a non bias service carried thru the dept of aging. They have home care providers that have the skills . Not all families have members that can transition to that task of attendance. It's no different then a person who simply is not a singer or scientist...it's just not there. I know I can't carry a tune. So refrain from the emotional discord and as his power of attorney ...get him settled into a place that mentors his conditions. They have home living aides...try that avenue.
OP- your mother is a co-dependent enabler. Your father is a disaster, has been his entire life and your mother can't let go.
The worst thing it that she has groomed you since your were a child to accept this nonsense between her and your father and to see it as normal. You've been lead to believe that you should involve yourself in it financially and emotionally. You've swallowed the lifestyle hook, line and sinker.
It's time for you to let go before you make yourself ill. Do whatever you need to do to get out of the situation you're in and start to live your own life.
What do you want to do with your life, where do you want to live, etc. etc, etc. At your age you do not need to be buying a home with a parent where the parent is living in the same space as you. A multi family is one thing, a single family home with relatives living with you is not helpful to you.
Get your father out of your home. Send him to a nursing home, assisted living, senior housing, whatever works. Sell the house, tell your mother she has to buy out your share, force a partition sale if you have to, whatever will work. Just figure out what you have to do to leave the situation, then do so. You're throwing your life away for no good reason. The guilt you feel is because you were groomed to be an enabler. This is how they have messed with your mind. There is no reason for any guilt. Good luck
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.
My mother is bipolar and my dad is an enabler. Now my mother has dementia on top of bipolar disorder. The funny thing is, since she has dementia, we have been able to FINALLY get her on meds for her bipolar disorder (she had always refused to take meds). This has made a huge difference in everyone's lives, but it's a shame that she wasn't on these meds for the past 30 or more years.
But anyway, my challenge has been to stick to my guns and my boundaries and force but encourage my dad to step up to the plate. And he has NOT wanted to do it. In the past, he was able to ignore a lot of her behavior by simply working out of town or working late hours. (He didn't think too hard about leaving his three kids with his mentally ill wife.) But now he's retired and the kids are long gone with their own lives - and he's finally having to deal with what he's pushed aside for decades.
He has tried to rope me into taking my mom into my house to "give him a break." No way - these are his chickens who have come home to roost.
Let your mom and dad work this out without your help. Get out of the middle of this situation, even if it means walking away from your investment in the house. Attend the excellent NAMI classes for family members of the mentally ill. Get some counseling. Read "Co Dependent No More." Learn more about personal boundaries and apply this to your life.
By the way, even mentally ill people have the ability and responsibility not to act like jerks.
My mother is bipolar and my dad is an enabler. Now my mother has dementia on top of bipolar disorder. The funny thing is, since she has dementia, we have been able to FINALLY get her on meds for her bipolar disorder (she had always refused to take meds). This has made a huge difference in everyone's lives, but it's a shame that she wasn't on these meds for the past 30 or more years.
But anyway, my challenge has been to stick to my guns and my boundaries and force but encourage my dad to step up to the plate. And he has NOT wanted to do it. In the past, he was able to ignore a lot of her behavior by simply working out of town or working late hours. (He didn't think too hard about leaving his three kids with his mentally ill wife.) But now he's retired and the kids are long gone with their own lives - and he's finally having to deal with what he's pushed aside for decades.
He has tried to rope me into taking my mom into my house to "give him a break." No way - these are his chickens who have come home to roost.
Let your mom and dad work this out without your help.
Get out of the middle of this situation, even if it means walking away from your investment in the house.
Attend the excellent NAMI classes for family members of the mentally ill.
Get some counseling.
Read "Co Dependent No More." Learn more about personal boundaries and apply this to your life.
By the way, even mentally ill people have the ability and responsibility not to act like jerks.
Unless your father is declared incompetent to manage his own affairs, you having power of attorney (and over what? financial or health or both?) doesn't really mean much except perhaps that you can talk to his doctors to find out what is really going on. He is still in charge of himself until he says he doesn't want to be or the courts say he can't be - as far as I know. At least that is way it always worked when it came to my father whose powers of attorney I held for many years - he was never incompetent however so it really didn't mean much other than I could go to the bank for him and talk to his healthcare team when necessary - but I couldn't make decisions for him based on those documents without further petitioning the court. If he didn't want to take the 'blue pill' I could not force him to do so nor ask others to force him to take it .. it was still his decision. I could not force him to live in a nursing home either - he had to decide he wanted to go there, that it was a better place for him to be than alone or in any other kind of living situation. I could however decide I didn't want the 'powers of attorney' too - and revoke them.
Good luck - you have been given a lot of very excellent advice. But, the best advice is .. get yourself out of this situation as fast as you humanly can.
Unless your father is declared incompetent to manage his own affairs, you having power of attorney (and over what? financial or health or both?) doesn't really mean much except perhaps that you can talk to his doctors to find out what is really going on. He is still in charge of himself until he says he doesn't want to be or the courts say he can't be - as far as I know. At least that is way it always worked when it came to my father whose powers of attorney I held for many years - he was never incompetent however so it really didn't mean much other than I could go to the bank for him and talk to his healthcare team when necessary - but I couldn't make decisions for him based on those documents without further petitioning the court. If he didn't want to take the 'blue pill' I could not force him to do so nor ask others to force him to take it .. it was still his decision.
I could not force him to live in a nursing home either - he had to decide he wanted to go there, that it was a better place for him to be than alone or in any other kind of living situation. I could however decide I didn't want the 'powers of attorney' too - and revoke them.
Good luck - you have been given a lot of very excellent advice. But, the best advice is .. get yourself out of this situation as fast as you humanly can.
While it is true that you could not force your dad to go to a nursing home, but if he was living in your house you could tell him to leave.
The OP's dad is living with her and his ex-wife in the home that they own and they could ask him to leave and go elsewhere.
Wow, very grateful for the many insightful comments. I really appreciate all of this.
My mom has already gotten my dad a social worker. I think we're going to send him back to a nursing home in Chicago, so he can be by his other family he seems to miss so much and feels they treat him better. I am p***ed at my mom because my uncle and I told her this would happen. My lunatic dad gets bored ANYWHERE after 6 months and wants to move. He even has tried to get my mom to sell this house!! I'm just concerned that after he's back in Chicago, she'll take him back again down the road.
Agree with you guys, I need to get out and take care of myself. I'm feeling angry and rock bottom all the time. Appreciate the encouragement.
Wow, very grateful for the many insightful comments. I really appreciate all of this.
My mom has already gotten my dad a social worker. I think we're going to send him back to a nursing home in Chicago, so he can be by his other family he seems to miss so much and feels they treat him better. I am p***ed at my mom because my uncle and I told her this would happen. My lunatic dad gets bored ANYWHERE after 6 months and wants to move. He even has tried to get my mom to sell this house!! I'm just concerned that after he's back in Chicago, she'll take him back again down the road.
Agree with you guys, I need to get out and take care of myself. I'm feeling angry and rock bottom all the time. Appreciate the encouragement.
I'm curious why your father wanted you and your mom to sell the house that you just bought. Did he want your mom to give him the money?
BTW, if your mother "takes back" her ex-husband that is her business. Often couples married for a long time have bonds that are difficult to break. But, I can see how that would effect you if you are sharing a house with your mother.
Last edited by germaine2626; 09-03-2016 at 08:04 PM..
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