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You've gotten some great opinions from others here. My best advice is to do what you feel is right. Whether you believe this or not, you have made some wise decisions these past few years.
Have all of those decisions been perfect? Of course not, but all we can do at any given time is make a calculated decision based on the information we have in that moment. You had no control over the circumstances and people who made some of those decisions not work out as you'd hoped.
I don't know if there is a time limit on filing complaints in your state - you might want to check on that. If there is a limited time, I hope it gives you long enough to make the right decision for you, so that you can have some peace about whatever you ultimately do.
Well, last Monday I made a few more calls and did not have any luck in finding the correct place to make a complaint. While being polite, I told each person/agency that if I did not find the correct place by the next day I would be contacting "the media and the governor's office". Surprise, surprise, on Tuesday I finally had the correct person call me. I believe that I had spoken to over 20 people, at 16 to 18 different government agencies/government offices before I found the correct place.
I have been working on typing out the complaint (for his last facility) and it has been very difficult. First, while I kept much, much more detailed notes than most people keep, I am finding that they are not as complete as I had thought. There had been so much going on in the last few months that I kept inside my head that I have now forgotten or are slightly confused on the details.
I had thought that I could easily write a list of dates and errors/mistakes but so many things really aren't clear unless I add an explanation of why it was an error or how the mistake caused additional problems.
Plus, I am finding that by doing this I am constantly focusing on the bad things that happened, and all of the stress, fear, anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed return to me. And, of course, that takes me to the fact that the love of my life is dead and I will never see him again (on earth). And, it also brings me back to mistakes that I made. For example, my delay in calling 911 when Hubby was vomiting (what turned out to be blood) and weak. I can not believe that I did not immediately call the ambulance when he was clearly sick but I was so exhausted that I was not thinking clearly and assumed that he just had the flu. And, heck, in his condition, if he really had the flu he should be going to the ER anyway, so why didn't I call 911? While, I am going to try to complete the complaint I can certainly see why people give up and decide not to file something. It is so painful and it is not going to help my husband or me. Should I really care that much that it may help another family?
February 17, 2018
Thank you everyone for your kind comments and support. I do know that I did my best but it is still hard not to second guess some of my decisions.
What I decided to do was to stop working on the complaint about his last adult family home/facility and make a oral complaint about the adult family home/facility that he lived in this summer. During a 15 to 20 minute call to an investigator I was able to list the key areas and add relevant details: the nurse never noticed that he was not taking an essential medication for the entire four months that he was in the facility, he was losing over one pound a week plus vomiting every day (probably due to them not following doctor's orders in regards to his diet), I believe that they gave him someone else's pills and he had a TIA/mini-stroke less than two hours later (of course, it may have been a coincidence) and they did not give 30 days notice to find a new placement but immediately kicked him out because he was temporarily using a walker (he needed the walker for less than 24 hours). So that complaint is completely finished.
I'll return to writing the other complaint when I am feeling a little better about everything. I have a year to make a formal complaint but they recommend doing it ASAP (while memories are fresh, before the staff changes, etc.). While I will type it, I probably will use the same format, just state the key problems and list an example or two for each one.
Now for some good news. I had appointments with both my chemo oncologist and my surgeon oncologist as well as extensive bloodwork this week. Absolutely no sign of cancer so they aren't even scheduling a follow-up CT scan for another three to six months.
Thank you everyone for your kind comments and support. I do know that I did my best but it is still hard not to second guess some of my decisions.
What I decided to do was to stop working on the complaint about his last adult family home/facility and make a oral complaint about the adult family home/facility that he lived in this summer. During a 15 to 20 minute call to an investigator I was able to list the key areas and add relevant details: the nurse never noticed that he was not taking an essential medication for the entire four months that he was in the facility, he was losing over one pound a week plus vomiting every day (probably due to them not following doctor's orders in regards to his diet), I believe that they gave him someone else's pills and he had a TIA/mini-stroke less than two hours later (of course, it may have been a coincidence) and they did not give 30 days notice to find a new placement but immediately kicked him out because he was temporarily using a walker (he needed the walker for less than 24 hours). So that complaint is completely finished.
I'll return to writing the other complaint when I am feeling a little better about everything. I have a year to make a formal complaint but they recommend doing it ASAP (while memories are fresh, before the staff changes, etc.). While I will type it, I probably will use the same format, just state the key problems and list an example or two for each one.
Now for some good news. I had appointments with both my chemo oncologist and my surgeon oncologist as well as extensive bloodwork this week. Absolutely no sign of cancer so they aren't even scheduling a follow-up CT scan for another three to six months.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Update, March 21, 2018
I just realized that it has been a month since I posted an update.
Things have been going better. It has been three months since my husband died and I am having more OK/good days than bad days. I have gotten all of the paperwork together to file a complaint about the care that my husband received at his last group home, but I really haven't started to write it yet. I will be traveling to California to spend Easter and my birthday with my son/DIL and grandchildren. I am really looking forward to doing that. They have said that they would help me with the complaint.
I joined a bereavement group that is just for widows and widowers. It meets once a week. We provide a lot of support to each other and we also share tips on various things. I'll share an example, one widower was describing his frustrating experience with changing the title of his house to reflect that his wife had passed away. He needed to drive to a specific government office two times (because he had the wrong paperwork the first time) and he spent several hours trying to get the second piece of paperwork correct and needed to call a state office numerous times for help. All, in all, it took him about seven or eight hours (including the time driving to the government office and waiting there).
After he was done talking, one of the other group members said that all she did was take her husband's death certificate to the bank that held their mortgage and they handled everything. She said it took less than 10 minutes. The first man said that never occurred to him to just go to the bank. A third person said that she hadn't gotten around to changing the title on the house that she jointly owned with her late husband but she definitely was going to try the "bank method" first. Everyone had a good laugh (including the man who did it the hard way).
I also joined a volunteer group that meets twice a month to make these little scrapbooking type cards with inspirational sayings on them. They also have either a pair of hand-made pair of earrings or a round inspirational circle that says something like "faith", "luck", "hope", "love". They are given to cancer treatment centers in my area for cancer patients.
In addition, I promised my daughter (in the Peace Corps in Africa) that I would plan at least one social thing a week. So, I have been going out to lunch with various people (friends, relatives, former co-workers) or going to their homes for lunch, or doing something else, once, sometimes even twice, a week. It is a good way to make sure that I always have something to look forward to doing. And, my daughter checks up to make sure that I follow through on that.
Thank you to everyone for your support throughout these past years. It was always very helpful.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
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Thank you for the update. I was thinking about you and wondering how you are fairing. I see you posting in other parts of the forum and love that you are still involved here.
Enjoy your visit!
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February 17, 2018
