Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am checking out if we/he qualifies for additional services. I spoke with a elder planning agency on Thursday and there may be a few things that could work out.
BTW, it is pretty unlikely that he would even qualify for nursing home care, as he can still dress himself, feed himself and handle most self care needs (showering, shaving, bathrooming) and does not have significant health needs.
People with money & mild dementia can go into those expensive private pay Memory Care facilities (I visited one in the ritzy part of my city a few years ago, I believe that it cost over $8,000 a month and appeared to be filled with people with mild/moderate dementia or Alzheimer's. The dining room had small tables with white table cloths and fresh flowers and the waiters/waitresses all wore fancy jackets & matching slacks to serve the food. Wowser! Certainly not the type of place that accepts Medicaid.)
But, there may be some smaller group homes that hubby may qualify for in the future.
And Briolat makes an excellent point. There appears to be a huge, huge difference between placing a parent in a care facility and placing a spouse.
Of course, it is a very small group , but everyone of the people in my caregiver support groups who placed a spouse in some type of facility spoke about visiting/helping/working with/volunteering with activities/etc. with their spouse every single day (or almost every day). Most have talked about spending 6 to 8 hours with their spouse each day. I don't know if this is common or maybe people that are activity in caregiver support groups are "a different breed". Or maybe if you place a parent in a nursing home the visiting/helping/assisting is often spread among several adult children and even DILs, SILs & adult grandchildren. Or maybe after being married 40 or 50 years you have a different relationship with your spouse than a child who grows up, moves away and builds their own life. Or maybe it is combination of many things.
But, of course, 6 to 8 hours a day still leaves 16 to 18 hours for a spouse to be "on their own" and free from responsibilities.
It also allows the caregiver to get a good night's sleep. She, or he, knows that spouse is safe and watched over.
It also allows the caregiver to get a good night's sleep. She, or he, knows that spouse is safe and watched over.
In my mother's case, I'm fairly certain it would have gone better had we been able to get dad home and get in-home help for him there.
Of course, we were new to all this, and didn't even know that such services suggest. Weird how no one at the private pay nursing home even suggested such a thing. Oh, that's right, he was a cash cow and they had absolutely no incentive to suggest home care.
For my mother, who was already in her later 70s at this point, the nursing home didn't allow her to rest easy. She had to drive there, she did dad's laundry (I will point out that she chose to do this), which meant lugging his clothes back and forth, she stopped eating very well (because she was at home by herself). Sometimes getting a tray at the nursing home, and that being her only real meal of the day.
As my brother and I did not live in the immediate area and I only saw my parents on weekends when I drove the 250 miles to be with them and 90% of the time during waking hours was spent at the facility with them both, I did not realize how bad things had gotten with my mother's own health and at home.
Only when we realized mom was in a health crisis (which ended up in an ER trip, hospitalization, and assignment to SNF rehab) did we piece together what had been going on. Which is that she had been ignoring herself entirely in order to make sure dad was all right.
I will say, the SNF he was in was not exactly on top of things, so Mom had a point. But, like many caregiving spouses, she took it way too far and ended up in an SNF herself. And so, they eventually then ended up with me.
In fact a lot of spouses that voluntarily go to independent living/assisted living facilities do so for those facilities that have a continuum of care in place, knowing specifically that when the more disabled spouse moves up into a higher care level, they will still be on site and the more able spouse will still be able to visit daily.
Some family friends of ours are in this situation now. She is able bodied with some well controlled chronic conditions, requiring no assistance, he has Parkinson's and after a long struggle is beginning to decline. They specifically moved to an assisted living facility with the idea that when he requires more care, she will be right next door and will be able to be with him every day to take care of him/assist. There are many other couples in the facility in the same situation.
I think the emotional/mental weight of the situation in caregiving between spouses and caregiving between children and parents is quite different; and rightfully so - they are very different relationships.
Thank you everyone. I met with the cardiologist today and they are trying to schedule a "rush" stress test because my hernia surgery is scheduled for Friday, January 13. Son is flying in Thursday night and leaving Tuesday morning. I would have preferred that he stay longer but he said that was all the time that he could spare from his job (as it is an exceptionally busy month).
Brief Update - January 9, 2017
For being such a brilliant man, my son can be an absolute idiot. When he was scheduling his trip home, he originally said that he could only be gone from his job, family & other commitments for "a couple of days". I kept hinting, and actually told him that I really needed him to home longer. So, he scheduled the trip for Thursday night (my surgery is on Friday morning) and he will leave early on Tuesday morning. So, he can "help" for four days.
During our weekly Skype session with him & the grandkids he mentioned that he was "panicked that he would not have time" to complete an important research proposal that is due on February 1st. I knew that this is something that he was doing in addition to his usual 50 to 60 hour work week at the University. He has been working on it for months but it takes a couple hundred hours of work to be completed well enough to be competitive (just to brag a bit, two years ago was awarded a prestigious research grant that was the science equivalent of being named a Fulbright Scholar, this will be a continuation of that research). Needing to work on this application was the main reason why he said that his family could not visit for Christmas (as they do most years). He had also tried to get me to postpone the hernia surgery until after this deadline, but neither the doctor or I thought that was a good idea.
When his wife overheard him tell me that he was worried that he would not get it finished in time, she got a little panicked, too. But, she suggested to him that he try to postpone or push back some of his on-going research to find the time to get it done.
So, I started to feel very guilty that I asked him to come home for my surgery. I sent him an email that I could help with extra money for child care, or other things, so that he could spend more time working on this proposal before and after his time home. He called me and said that I shouldn't worry about it because he expected that he would be able to work on the proposal on the plane, while I was in surgery and while I was asleep or resting at home (no mention of spending quality time with his father).
And, he said to me that he implied to his boss that "the surgery was much more serious than it really was and that he needed to be at home a full week". So, he would not need to go into work on Wednesday, Thursday & Friday because his boss/administration/co-workers would think that he was still in Wisconsin helping his parents. He said that those extra days of full time work should be enough so that he can make the deadline.
I was/am speechless. I was starting to think that he seemed to be more understanding about how difficult it is for me as a caregiver and now he "uses me & my surgery as an excuse" to get out of a couple days of work instead of staying longer to actually help me.
And, I can't gripe about this to anyone because then my brother may find out and then he is going to wonder why he should help me if my own son can't/won't stay enough days to make sure that I am fully recovered and ready to resume caregiving.
P.S. My stress test is Wednesday. Big Brother will need to leave his house by 6 AM to get to my place in time for me to leave to get to the hospital in time for the test. The cardiologist is "cautiously optimistic" that my heart will score well enough to have the surgery on Friday.
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-09-2017 at 07:33 AM..
Reason: added P.S.
Family - GRRRRRR. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.
In your son's defense, I'm glad he's taking those extra days off to finish the project - let's hope he actually FINISHES it and doesn't bring it all with him to stress you out further.
Your son has over extended himself. Actions have consequences. I know you're proud of him and his accomplishments but he is a family man who also has sick parents. Priorities.
Family - GRRRRRR. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.
In your son's defense, I'm glad he's taking those extra days off to finish the project - let's hope he actually FINISHES it and doesn't bring it all with him to stress you out further.
Your son has over extended himself. Actions have consequences. I know you're proud of him and his accomplishments but he is a family man who also has sick parents. Priorities.
Clarification. He is taking those days off back at his home in California, after my surgery, while I am still recovering at my home in Wisconsin.
I think that it is "out of sight, out of mind". He has only seen his father for very brief periods, during the two one week times that he was home since hubby's traumatic brain injury 1 1/2 years ago.
They only live about 20-30 minutes from his wife's parents so they see them at least once or twice a week (sometimes even more), often for a full day of activities. I am very happy that our grandkids can spend so much time with their other grandparents but I am still a little jealous about how much more involved my son is in his in-laws lives than the lives of his dad and me.
For being such a brilliant man, my son can be an absolute idiot. When he was scheduling his trip home, he originally said that he could only be gone from his job, family & other commitments for "a couple of days". I kept hinting, and actually told him that I really needed him to home longer. So, he scheduled the trip for Thursday night (my surgery is on Friday morning) and he will leave early on Tuesday morning. So, he can "help" for four days.
During our weekly Skype session with him & the grandkids he mentioned that he was "panicked that he would not have time" to complete an important research proposal that is due on February 1st. I knew that this is something that he was doing in addition to his usual 50 to 60 hour work week at the University. He has been working on it for months but it takes a couple hundred hours of work to be completed well enough to be competitive (just to brag a bit, two years ago was awarded a prestigious research grant that was the science equivalent of being named a Fulbright Scholar, this will be a continuation of that research). Needing to work on this application was the main reason why he said that his family could not visit for Christmas (as they do most years). He had also tried to get me to postpone the hernia surgery until after this deadline, but neither the doctor or I thought that was a good idea.
When his wife overheard him tell me that he was worried that he would not get it finished in time, she got a little panicked, too. But, she suggested to him that he try to postpone or push back some of his on-going research to find the time to get it done.
So, I started to feel very guilty that I asked him to come home for my surgery. I sent him an email that I could help with extra money for child care, or other things, so that he could spend more time working on this proposal before and after his time home. He called me and said that I shouldn't worry about it because he expected that he would be able to work on the proposal on the plane, while I was in surgery and while I was asleep or resting at home (no mention of spending quality time with his father).
And, he said to me that he implied to his boss that "the surgery was much more serious than it really was and that he needed to be at home a full week". So, he would not need to go into work on Wednesday, Thursday & Friday because his boss/administration/co-workers would think that he was still in Wisconsin helping his parents. He said that those extra days of full time work should be enough so that he can make the deadline.
I was/am speechless. I was starting to think that he seemed to be more understanding about how difficult it is for me as a caregiver and now he "uses me & my surgery as an excuse" to get out of a couple days of work instead of staying longer to actually help me.
And, I can't gripe about this to anyone because then my brother may find out and then he is going to wonder why he should help me if my own son can't/won't stay enough days to make sure that I am fully recovered and ready to resume caregiving.
P.S. My stress test is Wednesday. Big Brother will need to leave his house by 6 AM to get to my place in time for me to leave to get to the hospital in time for the test. The cardiologist is "cautiously optimistic" that my heart will score well enough to have the surgery on Friday.
He will never know unless you tell him. He's an adult. Tell him how you could really use the help. Write out all of the things you do in a typical day, week, month and send it to him via email. Not to make him feel guilty but to make him realize how much you do and how much stress you have in your daily life. Things that may not have occurred to him since he doesn't see it first hand day in and day out and especially because I think you shield him from a lot of it. If you don't tell him how you feel and aren't truthful with him about how much you could use the help you can't get upset or angry with him about something he doesn't know.
Am I missing sonething? Hernia surgery has a recovery time of 3 weeks before resuming light activity, 6 weeks before MAYBE resuming normal activities. If all you had care for was yourself, you would need help for at least the first 3 weeks.
If you did not need the help so badly, then I am somewhat sympathetic to your son's dilemma. I don't approve of lying about his mother's condition, but simply using the situation to his advantage, does not harm anyone that I can see.
However, he doesn't understand that he will be needed to be caregiver for two of you for a few days. And, if it is discovered that he was not gone for the time he has taken off, he could be disciplined. So, I agree with you--not wise.
It is interesting that he thinks he will have time to do his work during the day. I can't imagine he understand the magnitude of your need. However he will find out.
I wouldn't worry about the rest of your family. Surely they know how hard this is for you to schedule and manage. I would think that your son's reluctance to help you fully would make them more willing to help.
I will be thinking and praying for you on Wednesday. I hope the test has a good outcome.
PS I think your son is totally focused on his immediate situation. He is still young, and he is under a lot of pressure, as you are. He is working a lot, supporting or partially supporting a family, and trying to obtain an advanced degree. So, he is under a lot of pressure. Everything he has worked for comes to this point in his life. I see in his actions, the influence of his mom. He commits to something and he sees it through, no matter what. What I hope is that he begins to understand your situation, and I hope he has the sense to spend time with his dad, because his dad is as good as he will ever be.
Am I missing sonething? Hernia surgery has a recovery time of 3 weeks before resuming light activity, 6 weeks before MAYBE resuming normal activities. If all you had care for was yourself, you would need help for at least the first 3 weeks.
I kept trying to pin the doctor down and he kept minimizing the recovery time. I don't think that the doctor really understands "caregiving". I'm pretty sure that the doctor is expecting my hubby to "pick up the slack" (make the meals, bring me the food, do the driving & errands, etc. etc., all things that he can't do) even though I kept telling him that I had to do all those things, and more, for my spouse.
The surgeon said that "if I had a job I would be off for two to four weeks, maybe longer" but since I'm retired "my recovery time does not matter."
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-09-2017 at 12:40 PM..
PS I think your son is totally focused on his immediate situation. He is still young, and he is under a lot of pressure, as you are. He is working a lot, supporting or partially supporting a family, and trying to obtain an advanced degree. So, he is under a lot of pressure. Everything he has worked for comes to this point in his life. I see in his actions, the influence of his mom. He commits to something and he sees it through, no matter what. What I hope is that he begins to understand your situation, and I hope he has the sense to spend time with his dad, because his dad is as good as he will ever be.
You are right. In academia, he is expected to stay at the University that hires him (to start within the next year and a half) until he retires. So, this is the absolute most crucial time in his career. The University where he goes at age 33 or 34 is expected to be the same place where he is (hopefully) an esteemed Professor Emeritus in 35 or 40 years.
It is pretty busy time of life for a married man, father of two young children.
I am hoping that he can have some quality time with his father this weekend.
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-09-2017 at 01:23 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Brief Update - January 9, 2017
