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I agree with Kathryn, your children are clueless and not particularly concerned about you and your husband. We teach people how to treat us and my guess is you've always been so nice and you've always taken care of everything so your children figure you will continue to do all those things. The children are going to have to learn that nothing is normal, your entire lives have been turned upside down and it's going to get worse. You're going to have to make it clear that you need help and they need to pitch in. Teach them how to treat you better.
Is there any way you and your husband could move to California near your son and grandchildren? I know you'd have to find all new doctors and new resources for your husband, but it might be worth it. If your children can't come to you, maybe you could go to them. I can't believe they didn't even bother to come for Christmas. It's also terrible that your son is taking time off to work on a proposal rather than being there for you! That's awful! I'm sure he could explain to his boss his father is completely disabled and his mother is having surgery and they are his first priority, not work, and not some proposal. As someone said, it's priorities.
I would hound my kids to death if they treated me like your's do. It's just wrong.
Your son is going to find out real quick that he can't leave you without help. So let him figure it out. Let him make the calls and figure out how to get someone to your home to help you when he leaves. OR he will have to stay longer than he had planned.
When I had laparoscopic abdominal surgery in the late 90's I couldn't do much of anything for a week. My husband brought me food and drinks. I was either in bed or lying on the sofa. After about 10 to 14 days I was able to drive short distances but mostly my husband carted me around.
Is there something wrong with your heart other than A-Fib? If not, your stress test will be fine. As long as you're not in a-fib as you go to surgery you'll be fine.
You're going to have to get through to your son that it's no longer 'business as usual' in your house and you really do need help. Proposals can be postponed. People have emergencies and have to postpone work and even proposals. Again, where are his priorities? My guess is he's trying desperately to deny how bad things are at home. So it's great that he's coming home and will be forced with facing the reality of your rather desperate situation.
I'll be thinking about you this week and saying prayers for you and your husband, and a prayer that your son will come to his senses and help you.
I had full abdominal surgery with a 6 inch vertical incision. Did not even get a meal in the hospital and was released. Stayed in bed for about 2 days and then carefully walked around. In less than a week, wanted to be gently up and around. It is not always a horrible painful issue.
A great help was a wide elastic abdominal band. Even if it was not really needed, it gave me peace of mind while moving around. I was more afraid of the incision than anything else.
However, do not do to much and try to "prove" to your son that it is ok to leave you. He needs to see the reality and make other accommodations. Whether that is calling other relatives or not, let him find it out and dont say "dont call XXX" or make excuses or say "I am sorry for XX."
I don't know where Germaine's son lives in California, but Germaine has repeatedly stressed over the years that their budget is fixed and not particularly generous.
For that reason, I doubt a move to California would do anything to improve their situation, even if they were closer to their son.
Also, proximity alone does not force someone into caregiving. Either Germaine's son wants to do this and will make an effort, or he doesn't and he won't. It's actually not that hard to ignore a parent who needs help ... many people do it every day. I'm sure many people on this board know of siblings, cousins, etc.. who ignored their parent even though they live in close proximity.
Germaine, maybe your son (while he's visiting for your surgery) will realize he could do more. I think if he does, and he follows through and he can provide some help longer-term; that's awesome.
But, not counting on that is your safest bet, and making plans accordingly.
I certainly hope the procedure goes well, and that your recovery goes smoothly.
On Sunday, my Brother sent an email to me (copied to our siblings, my son, and his daughter/my niece) stating the plans that are currently in place. He always makes it sound like he is doing so very, very much for me and the emails (at least to me) sound more like he is patting himself on the back rather than "keeping everyone in the loop".
"The Plan" ended with big brother driving my son to the airport early Tuesday morning (four days after my surgery). I sent an email back stating that I really thought that I would not be ready to handle caring for myself as well as hubby so soon after the surgery, and emphasized the few things the doctor said about the recovery (most people do not drive for 9 days after the surgery, if I had a job I would not be able to return to work for two to four weeks, maybe longer).
No response from anyone, until my niece sent a rather scathing email Monday noon out to everyone. It basically said "Are you joking? Obviously, she needs at least a week or a week and half of help every single day after the surgery. What are we, as a family, going to do to help her?" And, then she listed some practical things, including offering to come to help me for a full day on her day off.
Germaine, I hesitated so say anything because you are such a nice, good, hardworking person, but honestly, you're going to need a lot more help than you have lined up. See, everyone who has had abdominal surgery is telling you this, and even the ones who were getting around fairly well in a couple of weeks didn't have the added responsibilities and stress that you have.
Your son...all that proposal/work stuff is ridiculous. Sorry. I mean, think about it - what if HE got sick and couldn't turn it in in time? People in management generally understand true family emergencies - they really do. At least the vast majority do. I wonder if it's your son who doesn't seem to really understand it.
I know it's last minute and he's probably already bought his ticket, but I sure do wish you could reschedule for a time that he is able to take more time off for YOU. But honestly, it sounds like that time is "never," because it sounds to me like he has successfully convinced everyone that it is simply impossible for him to take time off for anything without jeopardizing his entire career and the rest of his life.
On Sunday, my Brother sent an email to me (copied to our siblings, my son, and his daughter/my niece) stating the plans that are currently in place. He always makes it sound like he is doing so very, very much for me and the emails (at least to me) sound more like he is patting himself on the back rather than "keeping everyone in the loop".
"The Plan" ended with big brother driving my son to the airport early Tuesday morning (four days after my surgery). I sent an email back stating that I really thought that I would not be ready to handle caring for myself as well as hubby so soon after the surgery, and emphasized the few things the doctor said about the recovery (most people do not drive for 9 days after the surgery, if I had a job I would not be able to return to work for two to four weeks, maybe longer).
No response from anyone, until my niece sent a rather scathing email Monday noon out to everyone. It basically said "Are you joking? Obviously, she needs at least a week or a week and half of help every single day after the surgery. What are we, as a family, going to do to help her?" And, then she listed some practical things, including offering to come to help me for a full day on her day off.
BRAVO for your niece!!! I hope everyone in your extended family takes her email to heart (and mind) and figures out a way to realistically provide useful support to you after your surgery. I've had abdominal surgery as well (and that was 23 years ago) and know just how much, or rather little, you can actually do for a period after it.
I remember about a week after my hysterectomy, I walked into my kitchen and tried to pick up the full coffee pot to pour myself a cup of coffee. I couldn't do it. That was the moment that I really realized the extent of the weakness. I took a full month off work and needed every minute of that time to recuperate. I was still "pale around the edges" for a couple of weeks after I returned to work too. But honestly, that first full two weeks, I couldn't do anything other than pad around the house holding a pillow against my abdomen, and watch about a million shows on TV. I am not very into TV but that didn't matter anyway since I was on Vicodin so I basically dozed through the days!
And I was 40 and in good physical shape.
Germaine, i pray that you get the help you need. You simply can't be trying to care for yourself and your husband at the same time - especially not that first week but also not for SEVERAL weeks. You will have all you can do to take care of yourself.
Germaine, I hesitated so say anything because you are such a nice, good, hardworking person, but honestly, you're going to need a lot more help than you have lined up. See, everyone who has had abdominal surgery is telling you this, and even the ones who were getting around fairly well in a couple of weeks didn't have the added responsibilities and stress that you have.
Your son...all that proposal/work stuff is ridiculous. Sorry. I mean, think about it - what if HE got sick and couldn't turn it in in time? People in management generally understand true family emergencies - they really do. At least the vast majority do. I wonder if it's your son who doesn't seem to really understand it.
I know it's last minute and he's probably already bought his ticket, but I sure do wish you could reschedule for a time that he is able to take more time off for YOU. But honestly, it sounds like that time is "never," because it sounds to me like he has successfully convinced everyone that it is simply impossible for him to take time off for anything without jeopardizing his entire career and the rest of his life.
This ^^^
Hospitals are full of people with important deadlines. The world keeps turning. Heck, I had client deadlines that "couldn't be moved" until my mother was hospitalized -- suddenly it was "take all the time you need ...we can just move the deadline."
Germaine, I hesitate to ask you this because i don't want to offend you, but you have said some things on the forum that make me wonder about something*. Do you tend to overdramatize "the little things" and therefore maybe your family doesn't realize that THIS time you're really in deep doo-doo? I have often wondered why your son and daughter don't seem to take your situation with your husband seriously. You have shared that you don't have the financial resources to get paid help, and I'm sure your kids know this. Maybe they think this is the usual "Mom is stressed out/venting and it will all be fine?"
*Example: the situation with the daughter's student loan debt. You were originally thinking you had to pay it but later you discovered it wasn't the situation you thought it as and you said you had overreacted (not in those words but that was the gist).
One reason I am honed in on this is my own father cries wolf all the bloody time. He always has some "crisis" that turns out not to be -- and this has gone on for years. I'm not saying YOU have been crying wolf, but I'm saying that your family may be interpreting this situation as you just "stressing out" versus "this is a crisis and Mom really needs us."
The reason I bring this up is maybe you need to be very direct and say, "I know you all think I stress out a lot but this time I am REALLY scared. I don't know what I am going to do. This is serious and I need your help..." etc.
Again, I hope you don't take this as criticism, it's just something that you might consider.
I don't know where Germaine's son lives in California, but Germaine has repeatedly stressed over the years that their budget is fixed and not particularly generous.
For that reason, I doubt a move to California would do anything to improve their situation, even if they were closer to their son.
Also, proximity alone does not force someone into caregiving. Either Germaine's son wants to do this and will make an effort, or he doesn't and he won't. It's actually not that hard to ignore a parent who needs help ... many people do it every day. I'm sure many people on this board know of siblings, cousins, etc.. who ignored their parent even though they live in close proximity.
Germaine, maybe your son (while he's visiting for your surgery) will realize he could do more. I think if he does, and he follows through and he can provide some help longer-term; that's awesome.
But, not counting on that is your safest bet, and making plans accordingly.
I certainly hope the procedure goes well, and that your recovery goes smoothly.
Briolat, is right about our son's finances. Our son did his last post-doctorate research fellowship in San Francisco. His entire salary was not enough to pay the rent & utilities on their tiny one bedroom apartment. He often rode his bike to work (I believe, ten miles one way) up and down all those hills on the busy San Francisco streets just to save money. If they were not extremely, extremely frugal and his wife did not work full time they would never have survived.(BTW, I suspect that her parents "helped out financially")
His current post-doctorate senior research fellowship is in the "extended" San Francisco Bay area and pays slightly more. Luckily, he & his wife & their two children are able to live in married student housing so there is a little more "wiggle room" in their budget, but not much. He still rides his bike to work almost every day (to save money), but it is only six miles one way and far less hills and traffic.
Even though hubby and I didn't/don't have a lot of money we have always had to help pay for our son's (and his family's) plane tickets when they come to visit. They simply would not have the money to come home without financial help from help.
I don't know about my son. He has been extremely loving & caring & considerate to us & others, his entire life, but that has seemed to change a bit in recent years. I suspect that a large part of it is that he is so very, very overwhelmed himself. I know that he had always felt that post-docs shouldn't have children until they had a permanent job but then he fell in love with a woman who was 8 years older than him and close to 40 years old. So, it was have children right away or not at all. And he loves children and is a great father.
Also, I think that seeing his wife's parents often (who are rather wealthy and retired) causes him to "forget" or not "see" the struggles of middle class older parents (like his own). His in-laws are very generous with many things, like many expensive gifts for the grandchildren, frequent babysitting, paying for outings & events & restaurant meals for everyone, etc. that I sometimes wonder if our son is starting to think that is the way all parents/grandparents are supposed to be. Since his wife grew up wealthy, with wealthy grandparents on both sides, I suspect that is her "mind set" as well as how grandparents are "supposed to be".
BTW, February 1st deadline for the proposal is the once a year federal deadline. There are no extensions, for anyone, under any circumstances. If you miss the deadline you lose an entire year and have to apply the next year.
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Brief Update - January 10, 2017
