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My mother-in-law died one week ago today after a terrible last few days in our home.
Now that all of the services are over and the family members have moved out and/or gone home, the house feels so empty. I thought I would be glad to get our privacy back, and I am, don't get me wrong, but my husband has moved back out to the farm because his dad is getting chemo this week.
We had just talked about how his dad would continue to live with us, especially while on chemo, so that we could keep an eye on him, and then he would go back out to the farm after he'd had his blood & plasma transfusions and felt like his old self. But somewhere along the line this past weekend that changed, and I wasn't privy to that discussion.
In the meantime, we've been planning for a 4-day/3-night trip to the coast for a year. It's been paid up for 6 months. That's supposed to happen this weekend. We had already lined up my brother-in-law and sister-in-law to come stay at our house to relieve us, but now that those plans changed, they won't be able to do that because they both have to work, and the farm is two hours away.
Now I find out that my other sister-in-law has been staying at the farm this whole time and is going back to her job either tonight or tomorrow. So I am getting angry that she couldn't have helped her father while my husband came home. And now she is leaving right when we really needed her to stay. Of course, that doesn't really surprise me, as she only came home two weeks ago because she was going to the state fair, and stayed with friends, then left the funeral Saturday to go to the concert the final night.
I don't really want to go on the trip by myself, but I don't really want to lose the $1500 we paid for this house. And I feel guilty just saying I want to go on the dang trip at all. But I feel like we kind of deserve the break.
I am really glad we were able to provide care for my mother-in-law in her last days, and that we are able to provide for my father-in-law as well, but I feel angry that at the same time. I cannot imagine making my children uproot their lives to take care of me, when I can afford to retire nearby in a facility with other people my age. It seems so selfish, but at the same time, I understand it.
Is there any way that you could still arrange to go on the trip with your husband? Could a neighbor or a close family friend stay with your father-in-law or check on him each day?
But, perhaps, your husband went back to the farm because he was afraid to tell you that he was not "up to" going on the vacation so soon after his mother died. Please call him and discuss this honestly and openly with him.
If he is unable to go with you, can you go with a girlfriend? Or can you "gift" the vacation to another couple? Is it possible that you can have the vacation rescheduled to a different time due to a death in the family?
But, perhaps, your husband went back to the farm because he was afraid to tell you that he was not "up to" going on the vacation so soon after his mother died. Please call him and discuss this honestly and openly with him.
I have considered this.
But at the visitation and funeral, he was so excited talking to our cousins about going (we go every year to a music festival, and the headliner is a band in which both cousins play, drums and trumpet). He was trying to talk other family members to come down with us. There are two other couples going on the trip with us that go every year also. They are staying in the same house, so it won't go to waste or anything.
It could be that the shock of being at the farm without his mother there has weighed heavily on him and he doesn't want to leave his father there alone. I can understand that.
As far as neighbors, this is a farming community and everyone has already been helping out. It's just that most of the residents are elderly too.
Also, I can't just call him because it's so far out in the boonies that he can't get a signal to call. So we exchange texts in the morning and in the evening.
I was thinking of texting him to mention that people are asking about when we are leaving, and give him the option for me to ride with one couple, and if he can manage to make it down there, I will ride home with him. But then it sounds like I don't care if he shows up or not.
I do think you need to get to the bottom of whether or not your husband WANTS to go on the little trip and if not, why not, and how would he feel if you just went by yourself or with a friend? I think you need to gather more info about your husband's state of mind before you make your decision. I mean, if he really WOULD like to go but just feels guilty about leaving his dad, then maybe you can hire someone to check on dad several times while you're gone. But if your husband really doesn't want to go, then maybe you should either stay with him (if he wants you to) or go without him (if he just feels a bit wiped out or needing some quiet down time).
One thing for sure - you need a vacation. Ours did us a world of good but it was a few months after all the dust settled. In the total scheme of things, the money isn't the big issue. If you have to forfeit it this time, just make sure your husband knows that you need and want a vacation within the next few months and then go ahead and plan it if possible.
Unfortunately, it's very difficult to plan a vacation with someone as sick as you FIL in the picture. As you may recall, we didn't go on vacation for three years. Three VERY LONG YEARS.
I feel like you should keep your vacation as a priority. The problem with giving things like that up is that it never seems to stop; once you start doing it other people start taking advantage of you.
I'm sure it's very frustrating that you can't communicate with your husband right now due to the signal.
And your SIL! She left her mothers funeral to attend a concert? WTH; did she have THAT planned for a year?
I'm sorry your going through this. It sounds like you are concerned about how your plans are going to effect everyone else but nobody is considering YOU at all.
I just got off the phone with him. He wants me to go ahead and go with our friends, and he wants to stay another day or two to go with his dad to get his blood & plasma. His brother and sister-in-law are coming up Friday to stay with his dad all weekend. Then he will come on down to the beach.
Thanks everybody. I am usually the rock in this family but I tell you, I have been a mess the last couple days. It's like I never really got to grieve while all the people were here and now that they're all gone and my husband too, I just feel dead inside.
I got to work today and they told me they were giving me bereavement leave and so I filled out my timesheet since I won't be here, and the accountant got the CEO and CFO involved because he thought I was trying to take bereavement for my vacation days too. So like a little wuss, I just sat there and cried on the damn phone trying to tell them I don't care if they pay me or not, I didn't ask them for bereavement leave.
And on top of everything else, I just found out I have skin cancer on the bridge of my nose and my chest, and have to go have Mohs surgery the 3rd of November. So that's more time off.
Personally, I'd be pretty ticked at a company that was that insensitive, but I recognize that a lot of companies aren't very good at human-resource type stuff and that unfortunately most people (myself included) can't be that picky about their job.
I was just fortunate not to run into that kind of treatment when my mom died.
Glad you and your husband talked and have a plan about the vacation. Try to enjoy it. Everything's a little weird after someone dies, but eventually things get back to new-normal.
<HUG> .. I know that doesn't help much, but, I realize this is a very hard time you are all going through and I hope the smoke clears up sooner rather than later. I am so sorry you lost your MIL and that your FIL is also obviously very ill and needing care from you and your husband at a time when you need both a break and to properly grieve.
I too am happy to hear you and your husband (who also needs a few hugs I imagine) have talked and figured out the vacation/break issue. I pray you go and have a wonderful time, even amidst the other concerns and trials. Enjoy the music .. let it sweep over you and wipe your worries away for a few hours.
When you get back perhaps you can revisit what happened about the 'leave' issues at your workplace. Surely they will understand that you were just overwhelmed. Sorry you had to go through that on top of everything else.
In the total scheme of things, the money isn't the big issue.
Wow, not to be snotty, but losing $1500 would be a HUGE issue for us!
OP, we just had almost the exact same situation....was supposed to be leaving for a trip this Friday but because of a tragedy in the family we had to cancel. The young man who rented us the cabin agreed not to charge me, God bless him, even though I cancelled within the 21 day cancellation period...it was very good of him. I sent him the obituary so he would know for certain that I wasn't lying to him.
I just got off the phone with him. He wants me to go ahead and go with our friends, and he wants to stay another day or two to go with his dad to get his blood & plasma. His brother and sister-in-law are coming up Friday to stay with his dad all weekend. Then he will come on down to the beach.
Thanks everybody. I am usually the rock in this family but I tell you, I have been a mess the last couple days. It's like I never really got to grieve while all the people were here and now that they're all gone and my husband too, I just feel dead inside.
I got to work today and they told me they were giving me bereavement leave and so I filled out my timesheet since I won't be here, and the accountant got the CEO and CFO involved because he thought I was trying to take bereavement for my vacation days too. So like a little wuss, I just sat there and cried on the damn phone trying to tell them I don't care if they pay me or not, I didn't ask them for bereavement leave.
And on top of everything else, I just found out I have skin cancer on the bridge of my nose and my chest, and have to go have Mohs surgery the 3rd of November. So that's more time off.
Oh My Lord! You poor thing!
I'm glad you & your husband got things worked out.
After my daughter died 21 years ago, I returned to work following my 2 week bereavement leave to be told the company I worked for had just gone through a "Corporate Takeover" & my position had been eliminated.
I was offered a demotion with a massive cut in pay if "I wanted to stay" ...
Immediatley I had to start the process of sending out resumes, interviewing & a 2 month long "pre-employment process" with my new employer.
My daughters father left, lost everything he owned & ended up sleeping in a car behind his friends house.
Believe it or not... I was jealous of HIM. I was angry that he had the "luxury" of grieving while I had to go on "auto-pilot". It DOES make you feel "dead inside".
Take the time you need; it's so important. Time away at the coast sounds perfect & you won't regret it.
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