Chat Thread: Adventures in Caregiving (parent, father, money, assisted)
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Perhaps, I missed your explanation in an earlier post, but I am somewhat surprised that your mother is appropriate for an independent living situation. At least in my area, seniors in independent living arecompletely on their own, almost like they live in an apartment in a regular apartment building or are still in their own homes. No help with medications, no supervision, no one checking on them if they don't come down for meals (if the place even offers meals), nothing, nada, zero, zip. People in independent living, in my area, can leave the building whenever they want to do that, drive their cars to wherever they want to go (if they have cars), do all their own shopping, do all their own laundry, handle all of their own financial affairs, etc. etc.
Perhaps I misunderstood the level of your mom's dementia and health issues, but it seems that it would be pretty difficult for your mom to be on her own, totally independent, all day every day. Or is this one of those places where you can pay for extra services, such as someone making sure that the senior takes their medications and are reminded to come to meals etc.? Or, are you or her granddaughter going to take over those things?
I don't want to poke a hole in your balloon of happiness, but I was just so very, very surprised that she did not move directly into an assisted living facility with nurses and other staff members that can help her, or even a memory care facility with greater assistance.
But, perhaps you are considering that this would be a great way to get her started into the idea of living in a community of seniors rather than in her own home. A friend of mine did that with her mother and, even though Mom was only in independent living for a few months (with significant help from her daughter) it was a very easy transition to a higher level of service.
Or, maybe "independent living" means something different in your area, or in that facility. From being on this online forum I have discovered that the same terminology can mean very different things in different parts of the country.
What ever the reason, I am so delighted that the move went so smoothly.
Again, the apartment looks absolutely gorgeous.
Thanks for you concern. In this facility they have independent and assisted living and when they evaluated my mom, we all reached the conclusion that she is still capable of independent living since I am very involved in her care. Plus she qualifies with Medicare for meds help to come by each day if she gets to the point where she is skipping her meds, but so far so good as long as I fill the pill box up each week.
They line up an "ambassador" who comes by at each meal time to get the new residents for the first week. But my mom is really enjoying the meals so she's pretty motivated to get out there and eat. And she goes to intensive outpatient therapy three days a week and gets fed there as well, and when she gets back it's nearly suppertime, so it's hard for her to forget to eat. Plus they have free food around everywhere anyway - LOL. Cookies, sandwiches, yogurt, juice, milk, etc. My mom is constantly scrounging something up. I think she may FINALLY gain some significant weight and I hope so because she's still 20 lbs underweight (but at least she's not 40 lbs underweight anymore).
I am going to do her laundry if she doesn't want to, but included in the rent is linen service, so her bedding and towels get washed weekly and the bed is remade for her.
She doesn't have a car so she can't drive off anywhere. But if she wants to go somewhere with a friend of hers, I'm fine with that. She's busy three days a week with therapy anyway and then I'm with her most of each Sunday so that really just leaves T, Th and Sat free for her. The community is gated. Plus she's shown no indication ever that she may wander off - she is scared to death of getting lost. I doubt seriously that she would even go anywhere with anyone without calling me first to be "sure it's ok."
The difference in the rent for assisted living vs independent living (in the same building) is about $800 a month and while she doesn't actually cook, she does make her own coffee each morning and her own toast and that was really, really important to her, and it would be difficult for her to do in assisted living so we thought we'd give this a try. The facility seemed to think she'd be fine. I think so too for the time being. When she gets to the point of needing more help with bathing, getting dressed, etc (she doesn't need any help with that so far), we will just move her down the hall in the same facility.
She's able to walk around and feed and dress and bathe herself. She's able to take her meds herself if the pill box is filled. She's able to make coffee, keep her apartment neat and clean, etc.
I think if I wasn't so involved with her care she would need to go to assisted living but honestly the facility is very accommodating of those who are "on the fence" so hopefully this works out.
No rest for the weary, however! My brother came in a few days ago, to help me move my mom, which has been a big help, but he's still a house guest. Plus we've had to start going through everything in their house to get it ready for an estate sale in January. What a hot mess. My dad was the most organized hoarder I've ever met. We've found no fewer than 20 pairs of binoculars, about 75 rolls of tape, about 40 flashlights, and hundreds - HUNDREDS - of pens. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Anyway, that's slow going.
My oldest son and his wife, who live in Guam,are coming in today for two weeks. This was planned and their tickets bought before my dad passed away, so it was not negotiable. Anyway, I have to go to Dallas to pick them up today.
I fell yesterday and banged my knee up pretty badly (moving stuff at my mom's), and I also have a cold. UGH!!!!!!!!!
Worst holidays EVER. But at least I will see my son and his wife - I haven't seen them in three years!!!!!!!!!!! They weren't able to come for the funeral because the tickets were so expensive, and they'd already planned this trip, but we are going to scatter my dad's ashes on the family farm next week and so that will be their memorial to him.
Thanks for you concern. In this facility they have independent and assisted living and when they evaluated my mom, we all reached the conclusion that she is still capable of independent living since I am very involved in her care. Plus she qualifies with Medicare for meds help to come by each day if she gets to the point where she is skipping her meds, but so far so good as long as I fill the pill box up each week.
They line up an "ambassador" who comes by at each meal time to get the new residents for the first week. But my mom is really enjoying the meals so she's pretty motivated to get out there and eat. And she goes to intensive outpatient therapy three days a week and gets fed there as well, and when she gets back it's nearly suppertime, so it's hard for her to forget to eat. Plus they have free food around everywhere anyway - LOL. Cookies, sandwiches, yogurt, juice, milk, etc. My mom is constantly scrounging something up. I think she may FINALLY gain some significant weight and I hope so because she's still 20 lbs underweight (but at least she's not 40 lbs underweight anymore).
I am going to do her laundry if she doesn't want to, but included in the rent is linen service, so her bedding and towels get washed weekly and the bed is remade for her.
She doesn't have a car so she can't drive off anywhere. But if she wants to go somewhere with a friend of hers, I'm fine with that. She's busy three days a week with therapy anyway and then I'm with her most of each Sunday so that really just leaves T, Th and Sat free for her. The community is gated. Plus she's shown no indication ever that she may wander off - she is scared to death of getting lost. I doubt seriously that she would even go anywhere with anyone without calling me first to be "sure it's ok."
The difference in the rent for assisted living vs independent living (in the same building) is about $800 a month and while she doesn't actually cook, she does make her own coffee each morning and her own toast and that was really, really important to her, and it would be difficult for her to do in assisted living so we thought we'd give this a try. The facility seemed to think she'd be fine. I think so too for the time being. When she gets to the point of needing more help with bathing, getting dressed, etc (she doesn't need any help with that so far), we will just move her down the hall in the same facility.
She's able to walk around and feed and dress and bathe herself. She's able to take her meds herself if the pill box is filled. She's able to make coffee, keep her apartment neat and clean, etc.
I think if I wasn't so involved with her care she would need to go to assisted living but honestly the facility is very accommodating of those who are "on the fence" so hopefully this works out.
Thank you for the added information. It is possible that the "higher end" independent living facilities in my area have those services but since I don't know anyone who has lived in one of those I really did not realize that they would offer all those extra benefits.
I have known a number of people in several different independent living facilities and none of them had therapy on site, or laundry services, or were in a "gated area", or had nursing or aide staff or any of those features. Basically, they were just "apartments for seniors". My cousin, in northern Wisconsin, is in an independent living facility that is a former motel, just a row of about 20 motel rooms (with kitchenettes) each with a door to the outside. No services, no supervision, no transportation, no one on site, nothing. Although, I believe that once a month a social worker checks on the residents. The motel (independent living facility) is literally in the "middle of nowhere" so unless you can drive, or someone brings you groceries or food, you could easily go hungry (or even starve).
When my late aunt was in independent living (a different facility) it was not unusual for her to go several days without even seeing or talking to another person (a niece came once a week to set up her pill container & a nephew came once a week to take her to the grocery store), she just sat in her apartment by herself each day, everyday. She ended up losing so much weight that her doctor considered hospitalizing her.
In fact, I only knew one person who was in independent living where they offered meals (and it was connected to an assisted living facility). So even having meals available seems sort of unusual to me, but maybe it seems common to other people.
It just shows you how the same terminology can mean completely different things to different people.
With all of those "extras" and regular supervision I'm sure that your mother will do well. She seems to have plenty of staff watching over her.
Thank you for sharing the details.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-02-2016 at 08:58 AM..
Thank you for the added information. It is possible that the "higher end" independent living facilities in my area have those services but since I don't know anyone who has lived in one of those I really did not realize that they would offer all those extra benefits.
I have known a number of people in several different independent living facilities and none of them had therapy on site, or laundry services, or were in a "gated area", or had nursing or aide staff or any of those features. Basically, they were just "apartments for seniors". My cousin, in northern Wisconsin, is in an independent living facility that is a former motel, just a row of about 20 motel rooms each with a door to the outside. No services, no supervision, nothing. In fact, I only knew one person who was in independent living where they offered meals (and it was connected to an assisted living facility). So even having meals available seems sort of unusual to me.
It just shows you how the same terminology can mean completely different things to different people. When my late aunt was in independent living it was not unusual for her to go several days without even seeing or talking to another person, she just sat in her apartment by herself. She ended up losing so much weight that her doctor considered hospitalizing her.
With all of those "extras" I'm sure that your mother will do well.
Wow, good point about the differences in terminology.
The bus comes to pick my mom (and some others) up for therapy at a local hospital three times a week.
They also have bus transportation available to all sorts of places - church, the mall, WalMart, etc. They just have to sign up for it.
All meals are included in the rent.
My mom really seems to be enjoying herself.
She gets a kitten today! She's super excited about that.
Wow, good point about the differences in terminology.
The bus comes to pick my mom (and some others) up for therapy at a local hospital three times a week.
They also have bus transportation available to all sorts of places - church, the mall, WalMart, etc. They just have to sign up for it.
All meals are included in the rent.
My mom really seems to be enjoying herself.
She gets a kitten today! She's super excited about that.
Thanks again for the information.
I guess that I was thinking that your mom had a lot more problems with dementia than she apparently does.
I was not picturing someone who could plan ahead and think "I need to go to mall to get XYZ. I will sign up for the bus for next Thursday." And, then on Thursday, remember to get up on time, watch the clock, get to the bus at 10 AM and then while shopping at the mall (by herself) remember to return to where the bus will pick her up by noon.
Kuddos to her for being so independent! From your posts it had always sounded like her husband had handled so many of those things that I must have incorrectly assumed that she couldn't do them by herself not that she just did not want to do them. Or maybe you were talking about other types of things.
Wow. Kathryn, your mother sounds like a completely different person from what she was like a year ago, even. I keep reminding myself that all this frenetic activity is happening during a grieving period and perhaps to some extent helping keep grief at bay?
Independent living facilities here have apartments with a full kitchen but residents go downstairs for meals. If they have a car they can go wherever they choose. If they don't have a car the facilities have a bus/van that will take them to Walmart or the Mall. Some such facilities are very expensive, others much less expensive. There are so many activities, no one need ever sit in their room for days. The residents seem to make lots of friends with whom they socialize frequently.
I guess that I was thinking that your mom had a lot more problems with dementia than she apparently does.
I was not picturing someone who could plan ahead and think "I need to go to mall to get XYZ. I will sign up for the bus for next Thursday." And, then on Thursday, remember to get up on time, watch the clock, get to the bus at 10 AM and then while shopping at the mall (by herself) remember to return to where the bus will pick her up by noon.
Kuddos to her for being so independent! From your posts it had always sounded like her husband had handled so many of those things that I must have incorrectly assumed that she couldn't do them by herself not that she just did not want to do them. Or maybe you were talking about other types of things.
I am sure that a kitten will being her great joy.
Oh she needs reminding about a lot of things but I can remind her of things, and I do. If I remind her, she does them. So every morning we have a little discussion about what the day holds.
For instance, she needs to be told each day what day it is but once she knows that, she's good at realizing what she needs to do that day. Now keep in mind that there's not much she needs to do, but for instance, she goes to therapy every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 10:30 - and if she knows that it's MW or F she realizes she needs to catch the bus. It's helpful that other people from that facility also catch the same bus at the same time, because so far they are great about coming to her room to get her (she lives on the first floor very close to the entrance so that's convenient).
She cannot comprehend a calendar at all. That's odd. But she can understand a list. So instead of writing things down on a calendar, I make a list, which she can follow.
She can take her meds as long as they are in the marked pill box and she knows what day it is. But it would be pointless to write it on a calendar. That may not make sense but that's how it is with her.
My dad did so much of everything that it's been interesting finding out what she CAN do that he was doing. For instance, I found out that she CAN make a list - she wasn't doing that and consequently my dad was running out every day to pick up something from the store, because she would suddenly realize that she needed something and he'd just stop whatever he was doing and go pick it up. Well I won't do that, so I told her to make a list and she's doing it. YAY!
Her dementia is scattered, if that makes sense (rather than sort of relentlessly systematic like Alzheimers). For instance, she had some fine jewelry, and after she gave away a strand of Mikimoto pearls to a little girl in the neighborhood, my dad and I realized her fine jewelry needed to be locked up in a safe. So recently we sat down with my mom and went through her fine jewelry and she said who she wanted to have which rings and pins and that sort of thing one day, and my dad locked the box up in the safe. That was about 3 months ago. We went out and bought her some costume jewelry and she was just as happy with that as with "the real stuff."
Well, on Thanksgiving I had the idea that she could give her rings away to the granddaughters she had chosen, since she obviously wasn't attached to them at all (she is oddly not attached to or sentimental about much stuff but will get fixated on little toys or something sparkly like Mardi Gras beads - it's weird). So I asked her and she said, "Sure, let's do it," and I went and got the box and the list and she gave her rings - which she's had since she was a young woman and my dad showered her with fine jewels from his travels - to my daughters (she had already given me the one I loved). I noticed that she was acting sort of vague about it and didn't make any sort of comments other than, "Here, you can have this one," which also struck my daughters as odd. Anyway, later that afternoon, she pulled one of my daughters aside and said, "What on earth was all that about - I've never seen those rings before in my life."
So yeah - it's hit or miss with my mom. With Alzheimers, it's the short term memory that goes first and the long term memory stays intact longer. But her dementia is not predictable like that at all. She may talk freely one day about when she had her stroke, and then the next day she may tell a neighbor, "My husband and daughter are trying to make me think I had a stroke, but I never did and I'm not falling for it."
If she could remember to say, "Alexa, what is today?", an Amazon Dot might be helpful. I think you could load the calendar with her daily activities too. I don't have any experience with the Dot, but I've been reading about them. That option may be a little too techy for her, and it requires wifi.
You seem to be doing a great job with your mother. She's lucky to have you.
If she could remember to say, "Alexa, what is today?", an Amazon Dot might be helpful. I think you could load the calendar with her daily activities too. I don't have any experience with the Dot, but I've been reading about them. That option may be a little too techy for her, and it requires wifi.
You seem to be doing a great job with your mother. She's lucky to have you.
Thank you!
She has a talking wristwatch that tells her the day, date, and time. The only issue with that is that she went through a time period where she DID NOT BELIEVE the watch - LOL. I think she's past that now though.
The "calendar" she gets from the facility is a printed sheet each day that lists the day's activities, in addition to a monthly calendar. The monthly calendar is useless for her (though I like it) but the daily list works great.
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