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And I'm following HER advice, which didn't includue schooling myself all that deeply in NPD, but instead realizing and accepting that my mother's issues probably include a personality disorder (that's just one of her many issues mentally) and instead of focusing on her plethora of issues, focus instead on the healthy and happy relationships in my life - and invest in them. Which I'm doing, much to my benefit and the benefit of the other healthy people in my life.
So no, at this point in my life I don't plan on taking more classes on the various mental disorders of my family members, because frankly I'm sort of sick of it all.
There's absolutely no reason for you to waste more of your life trying to figure out what makes your mother so crazy. It simply doesn't matter. It is what it is and you are coping wonderfully. You've got her number and you know how to handle her and that's all that really matters. I fail to see how it's eating you alive because it isn't.
Oh, and yes, I do have a social work and counseling background and have a fair amount of knowledge on personality disorders and other mental health problems. You are not your mother's therapist and you are not responsible for finding diagnoses for her behavior. It doesn't matter. You just have to cope with her behavior and you're doing very well with that.
She can't. She isn't getting treatment for NPD. But knowing about it helps you deal with her for your own self. I am not saying to learn about it for her sake, it's for yours!
There really isn't an effective treatment for NPD. Personality disorders are extremely difficult to treat, particularly for those who have no interest in changing. At age 77, with other mental problems, KA's mom isn't going to change and she's coping with the manifest behaviors very well.
I fail to see how KA's mother 'scrambles her brain'. I don't see that at all. And I seriously doubt learning more about personality disorders would help Kathryn cope with her Mother's behavior. She's coping fine and writing great stories about it!
There really isn't an effective treatment for NPD. Personality disorders are extremely difficult to treat, particularly for those who have no interest in changing. At age 77, with other mental problems, KA's mom isn't going to change and she's coping with the manifest behaviors very well.
I fail to see how KA's mother 'scrambles her brain'. I don't see that at all. And I seriously doubt learning more about personality disorders would help Kathryn cope with her Mother's behavior. She's coping fine and writing great stories about it!
I know. But knowing about it does help people coping with it. Period. She knows that concept or she wouldn't have gone to NAMI classes. What I mean by 'brain scramble' is dealing with all these things that don't make sense! And the gaslighting. On and on.
It's a very short learning curve for someone smart like KA. Wouldn't take much reading at all for several lightbulbs to go off, which is such a relief! Coming from someone who has been there.
There are a lot of stories in here that wouldn't have happened had KA been working with this knowledge. Saving her precious 'brain space' as a friend of mine calls it, and I like that phrase. My 'N' brother takes up TOO MUCH brain space and knowing what he is is of huge help.
I'm not talking about oh, take up MORE brain space learning yet MORE for Mom's benefit, as I keep repeating. This is all advice to help KA *free up* more brain space for herself and other relationships, as is a constant refrain of what she wants.
Yes, she does eat her up. Not a day goes by there are not several stories. I'm glad you're entertained by them. I'd like to see her have relief. I'd love for the day to come that her mind is not consumed with this. And posting about more fun stuff.
I know. But knowing about it does help people coping with it. Period. She knows that concept or she wouldn't have gone to NAMI classes. What I mean by 'brain scramble' is dealing with all these things that don't make sense! And the gaslighting. On and on.
It's a very short learning curve for someone smart like KA. Wouldn't take much reading at all for several lightbulbs to go off, which is such a relief! Coming from someone who has been there.
There are a lot of stories in here that wouldn't have happened had KA been working with this knowledge. Saving her precious 'brain space' as a friend of mine calls it, and I like that phrase. My 'N' brother takes up TOO MUCH brain space and knowing what he is is of huge help.
I'm not talking about oh, take up MORE brain space learning yet MORE for Mom's benefit, as I keep repeating. This is all advice to help KA *free up* more brain space for herself and other relationships, as is a constant refrain of what she wants.
Yes, she does eat her up. Not a day goes by there are not several stories. I'm glad you're entertained by them. I'd like to see her have relief. I'd love for the day to come that her mind is not consumed with this. And posting about more fun stuff.
No, she doesn't eat me up or scramble me. I enjoy processing my stressful interactions with her on this forum, so I DON'T burden my family unnecessarily with it, and I've always been a "venter." This keeps me "cleared up" internally - I don't stuff things down or ignore them or try to be the strong, silent type who "perseveres." I "persevere" and process my emotions by typing them out.
Look, I'm not exaggerating when I say that between my mentally ill mother and brother, there's been at least a dozen different diagnoses over the years. At this point, all I need to know is that 1) both of them are mentally ill, and 2) thank God for medications and therapy that at least make them both a bit easier to integrate into the lives of others.
I'm OK - I promise. No worries!
But I do expect my mother's mental and physical condition to continue to decline and for this decline to continue to sadden, irritate, and yes, occasionally entertain me in a small sort of way. I'm human. I'm OK with accepting these emotions as a part of life.
There's absolutely no reason for you to waste more of your life trying to figure out what makes your mother so crazy. It simply doesn't matter. It is what it is and you are coping wonderfully. You've got her number and you know how to handle her and that's all that really matters. I fail to see how it's eating you alive because it isn't.
Oh, and yes, I do have a social work and counseling background and have a fair amount of knowledge on personality disorders and other mental health problems. You are not your mother's therapist and you are not responsible for finding diagnoses for her behavior. It doesn't matter. You just have to cope with her behavior and you're doing very well with that.
Yes, she does eat her up. Not a day goes by there are not several stories. I'm glad you're entertained by them. I'd like to see her have relief. I'd love for the day to come that her mind is not consumed with this. And posting about more fun stuff.
My mom's needs are pretty incessant - because she's so sick. She IS very needy. But this is not eating me up. I type fast and I'm very expressive - and I sort of chronicle this for my own benefit and "venting" as much as anything else.
By the way, I also post totally "unMom-related" stuff in various sections of this forum - Homes/Decorating, Gardening, Fashion, Texas, General US, Current Events, you name it.
I'm pretty prolific. Like I said, I type fast.
I have many interests and activities outside the care of my mom. I have a very full life in fact. Which is why I put her into a senior living facility rather than allowing her to move in with us.
There really isn't an effective treatment for NPD. Personality disorders are extremely difficult to treat, particularly for those who have no interest in changing. At age 77, with other mental problems, KA's mom isn't going to change and she's coping with the manifest behaviors very well.
I fail to see how KA's mother 'scrambles her brain'. I don't see that at all. And I seriously doubt learning more about personality disorders would help Kathryn cope with her Mother's behavior. She's coping fine and writing great stories about it!
This is right on target, and once again - thank you.
There really isn't an effective treatment for NPD. Personality disorders are extremely difficult to treat, particularly for those who have no interest in changing. At age 77, with other mental problems, KA's mom isn't going to change and she's coping with the manifest behaviors very well.
I fail to see how KA's mother 'scrambles her brain'. I don't see that at all. And I seriously doubt learning more about personality disorders would help Kathryn cope with her Mother's behavior. She's coping fine and writing great stories about it!
Can't rep you again so soon, but wanted to agree with what you said. I have been following this thread, but don't comment often. KA has been given some sound advice, and much support. Two things:
Personally, I know someone like KA's mom, and have been fortunate enough to disentangle my life from such constant drama by simply not associating with this person. KA can't do that, and has found a way to vent to those who care to listen. I see nothing wrong with that. Many here, including you, BrasstackGal, have been incredibly helpful I am sure. My admiration for anyone who willingly engages uncompromising and unruly people in their lives to ensure their safety and well being is off the charts. I would like to be made of such fabric, but I am not.
And, is it possible that someone who is experiencing the same type of relationship as KA might also get encouragement from this thread?
I understand the suggestion for therapy for those who must deal with constant craziness, but it does seem that Kathryn has a good hold on the entire situation.
There really isn't an effective treatment for NPD. Personality disorders are extremely difficult to treat, particularly for those who have no interest in changing. At age 77, with other mental problems, KA's mom isn't going to change and she's coping with the manifest behaviors very well.
I fail to see how KA's mother 'scrambles her brain'. I don't see that at all. And I seriously doubt learning more about personality disorders would help Kathryn cope with her Mother's behavior. She's coping fine and writing great stories about it!
Can't rep you enough for this comment, there are no magic pills to treat personality disorders and no matter how hard those in their lives try to help, unless that person is willing to recognize and change, it just becomes like a dog chasing their tail.
Sadly I didn't really recognize until last year that my mother had a personality disorder, had I recognized it sooner I would have known her self destrutive behaviours would never change no matter where she lived or who she lived with and would have just left her in the place she called home for over 50 years.
Can't rep you enough for this comment, there are no magic pills to treat personality disorders and no matter how hard those in their lives try to help, unless that person is willing to recognize and change, it just becomes like a dog chasing their tail.
Sadly I didn't really recognize until last year that my mother had a personality disorder, had I recognized it sooner I would have known her self destrutive behaviours would never change no matter where she lived or who she lived with and would have just left her in the place she called home for over 50 years.
You are exactly right in my humble opinion.
With people like our mothers, often we just have to learn as we go along. And to complicate matters, we love them (even if we don't like them) and we feel an obligation to help care for them - and often to protect them from themselves as they get older and more infirm - and stranger. Because that IS what happens, and they no longer have the charm and vigor of youth to help them navigate the messes they make. They become pitiful caricatures in some ways, and that makes us even MORE torn emotionally. It really is pitiful to watch elderly people who have struggled with mental illness and/or personality disorders their entire lives reach the hard end of the road carrying all this baggage they never checked or unpacked.
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