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I'll tell you all something else that's incredibly poignant to me. I may have mentioned this before but I'll go into some detail now.
When I was cleaning out my parents' house, I found piles of diaries they had both kept over the years. Now that was a surprise. I mean, I knew that both my parents were writers and that they'd both written down things over the years, but I didn't expect to find PILES of beautifully bound diaries, which were clearly meant to be read one day by others. I didn't even dare crack them open for a long time, but then a few months ago, I decided to read them - starting with my dad's diaries.
As you know, my dad and I enjoyed a lot of camaraderie and affection.
Well, get this. Maybe it's just a man thing, I don't know, but my dad was an affectionate, demonstrative guy so this sort of took me by surprise. His diaries were filled with stuff about him - his childhood, his military service, his career, his flying, etc. Very, very few personal notes about his wife, kids, grandkids, great grandkids. For instance, he would write pages and pages about his missions in VietNam - and then literally one sentence saying, "My first child was born today," or "We adopted our son this year." NOTHING about emotions and very, very little about relationships.
After a few weeks, I decided to sort of skim through my mom's diaries. Considering that she has been mentally ill her whole life, and very standoffish, not at all affectionate, actually very gnarly and prickly with her husband, kids, grandkids, etc. I was curious about her thoughts.
Amazing. Her diaries were filled to the very brim with NOTHING but positive things about the people in her life! I mean, even when she had a granddaughter get pregnant at age 19, she didn't dwell on the negatives of that - instead she gushed on and on about her first great grandchild, how adorable she was as a baby, etc. I also found every letter that she had written to my grandmother over the years, which sort of mirrored her diaries - and they are filled with accounts of daily life - picking blackberries with us kids, what sizes we wore (my grandmother was always either buying us clothes or having some made for us so she always wanted to know our sizes), taking us kids to Jamestown, having a neighbor over for coffee, planning a trip overseas, visiting her sisters, etc. In other words,all sorts of interactive stuff with family and it was all positive.
The irony of both these collections of diaries really struck me. I mean, here is my dad - everyone adored him, everyone. His personality and wit and affection sparkled from him. Even distant cousins STILL contact me often saying how much they miss his emails, his photos on Facebook, his stories, his phone calls - he was very prolific in many ways and reached out to people constantly. My gosh, when I lived overseas, when we only had snail mail and no internet, I got a big manilla envelope of stuff from my dad EVERY SINGLE WEEK for three years - he filled it every week with newspaper clippings from our home town, photos he'd found from over the years, copies of old documents, just little stories he'd jot down each week. I literally don't think I got a single letter from my mother when we lived overseas (and we weren't able to call often).
And yet...these diaries...wow.
I haven't figured all that out yet and I am not sure I want to even put forth that effort. But I will say that reading my mother's diaries did warm my heart. See in spite of her mental illness, which manifested itself in many unpleasant ways (often directed at me) over the years, I've always known in my heart that my mother deeply loves her family. She is just SO jacked up emotionally, she doesn't know how to express it and there's no way she is going to try to sort through all those feelings, memories, issues, etc. But in spite of her standoffishness and gnarliness and her lack of affectionate behavior, just knowing that she was AWARE of, for instance, the cuteness of her kids and grandkids, the joy of vacations and blackberry picking, and all that - well, that made me feel happy because to be honest, I never could tell whether she was enjoying life or not. From the outside looking in, it doesn't seem like her life has been very enjoyable so I'm glad she could at least SEE the good in it.
And I don't want to hear from anyone that it was "wrong" to read her diaries. Like I said, both my parents MEANT to leave a written legacy for their descendants. That is clear. And their diaries did not include anything super personal - like about sex or intimacy or any sort of addictions or whatever. I didn't expect them to.
And in that sense, with the knowledge that they MEANT for these diaries to be read, I do wonder about what they were trying to convey to others. Because there were many negatives in my parents' lives and the diaries barely touch on those events, if at all. It's like they are the movie version of their lives or something.
I get it Kathryn! The waking up in the very early morning with the many thoughts swirling around in your head. It's been an ongoing issue for me that involves my parent's situation, my work, and a huge health scare with my youngest child.
It is a manifestation of stress, I think. Makes for some long days, thats for sure!
Oh my gosh, the health of your child - for me, that's an even bigger worry than the parents thing. I am so sorry you've had to deal with that.
Yep, I hate that "Oh lord, it's 3:30 am. I just want to go back to sleep!" thing. By 9 pm that night, I'm about to fall out!
I get this. My dad died around the same time as yours, and although my mom doesn't need the type of care yours does, all my emotions and effort went to holding mom up.
I know I haven't been able to grieve 100% for dad yet. What I have instead is his constant voice in my head saying "don't leave mom there by herself." I've told her, she knows that is exactly what he would say because he hadn't left her alone for one minute after her heart attacks. So I think until she is ready to move, I will feel this guilt and responsibility to take care of her instead of allowing the grief to come through.
Oh my gosh, I get this completely. That voice, that feeling that he is looking over your shoulder, watching with certain expectations - and the thing is, that's something out of OUR heads, not reality. The reality is probably that our dads are really not at all concerned with whatever is going on on this earth.
It's so hard to get a grip on these emotions! And that includes our emotions toward our mothers and their needs.
I am so sorry about your dad by the way - I think I may have told you this in the past, but I'm still sorry, because I am realizing that the sadness just continues on. My grandmother told me once, when she was in her 80s and her mother had been dead for 40 years "I still cry a tear for my mother every day," and she meant a literal tear, because she was close to her mom and she missed her every day. In fact, when my grandmother was dying, she saw her mother in the corner of her room, waiting for her, and her face lit up and she said, "Mama!" Wow, it blew my mind.
So - my condolences to you and I mean that sincerely.
Regarding the land. People who are not long time landowners often do not understand the emotions behind selling land. Our family farm has been in the family for over 100 years. After our parents died, we were very proactive in arranging that it be preserved for future generations of our family.
As an example, our grandfather & father started a very long term forestry project about 1940, which we continued & our children are now continuing, that will not be completed until their great-great-great? grandchildren are adults about 2040 to 2050. While we were forced to sell some of the land we saved enough money that the future taxes will be paid for many years on the small portion that we saved.
Non long time landowners often have great difficulty "seeing" how plans can be started that will take over 100 years to be completed. But, true "caregivers" of the land can understand it completely.
BTW, to clean & organize the house, barns & sheds on just our one farm took all of us about ten years after our parents died (with the most important work done in about two years). It is incredible that you are trying to do it all within a few months of your father's death, basically on your own. Are you sure that you have to rush this fast?
Thank you, Germaine. And yes, I do have to rush this fast, because we have very interested buyers who are basically just waiting for us to vacate the property - but buyers won't wait around forever, and considering how rural this property is, my mom and I feel like we need to get this settled ASAP. And my mother is going to need the money that is tied up in this land for her long term care. And besides that, the maintenance of this property costs my mom about $1000 a month. For what? No one in the family wants to live on this property (except my mentally ill brother, who does not need to live on this property) and no one wants to pay the expenses of the upkeep. Our family is very far flung.
So it is with great emotional turmoil and a ton of conflicting emotions that my mom and my mentally stable brother and I are sorting through all this. And now my "normal" brother is very sick, so I can't rely on him to help me anymore. He has his own very serious health issues to focus on. And of course my mom can't help me clear out barns and houses and that sort of thing.
My dad was in the military so we moved around a lot when I was a child. Subsequently, this place is what I think of as "home," because it was the only stable place in my childhood - it was where we went every chance we could, often for weeks on end, every year. My dad grew up there. HIS dad grew up there. My great grandmother grew up there. My great great grandfather did too. My great great great grandfather was who originally bought this land. My kid have spent many a vacation there. My grandkids too. So it's emotionally VERY draining. Yeah, I feel like I'm somehow letting everyone down.
You will be able to relate to this. Guess what we just had to do - we had to cut down five huge oak trees near the big house, because they got some sort of oak tree disease. That breaks my heart. My dad remembers being very, very small - like 3 years old - when those oak trees were planted. He often talks about how the trees were brought in and how proud his grandfather was of planting them "for the future." It killed me to have to have them cut down.
And my dad couldn't even do it. I mean, he knew three or four years ago that they were diseased and had to be cut down. He just put it off and put it off. As they got sicker, huge limbs began to fall, and the house itself was in danger. Still, he ignored it. So finally, after he died, I had to be the one to order the execution. AUGH.
Oh good grief. I don't have martyr syndrome. I'm not a martyr. I'm simply describing the emotions I feel about this whole big load that I rather unexpectedly find myself carrying.
Wow.
Yeah, that post you are referring to fell into the category of "kicking someone when they're feeling down."
Yeah, that post you are referring to fell into the category of "kicking someone when they're feeling down."
I couldn't believe what I was reading. But thankfully my sense of accomplishment, purpose, self esteem, etc doesn't hinge on the responses of strangers on the internet. Sheeze!
That being said, I do take some of the advice and comments I receive here to heart. That's why I also try not to be mean spirited in my responses to others - because I know that many people, myself included, turn to this forum for some level of support and also for advice and I know that even if it's a transitory, there is often an emotional response. Like I said, I can and do move past it but sometimes some responses are hurtful or irritating.
And posts like yours DO help me feel better. So thank you!
I couldn't believe what I was reading. But thankfully my sense of accomplishment, purpose, self esteem, etc doesn't hinge on the responses of strangers on the internet. Sheeze!
Good, because it shouldn't.
Keep on keeping on, KA.
Well, get this. Maybe it's just a man thing, I don't know, but my dad was an affectionate, demonstrative guy so this sort of took me by surprise. His diaries were filled with stuff about him - his childhood, his military service, his career, his flying, etc. Very, very few personal notes about his wife, kids, grandkids, great grandkids. For instance, he would write pages and pages about his missions in VietNam - and then literally one sentence saying, "My first child was born today," or "We adopted our son this year." NOTHING about emotions and very, very little about relationships.
Amazing. Her diaries were filled to the very brim with NOTHING but positive things about the people in her life!
And yet...these diaries...wow.
I haven't figured all that out yet and I am not sure I want to even put forth that effort. But I will say that reading my mother's diaries did warm my heart. See in spite of her mental illness, which manifested itself in many unpleasant ways (often directed at me) over the years, I've always known in my heart that my mother deeply loves her family. She is just SO jacked up emotionally, she doesn't know how to express it and there's no way she is going to try to sort through all those feelings, memories, issues, etc. But in spite of her standoffishness and gnarliness and her lack of affectionate behavior, just knowing that she was AWARE of, for instance, the cuteness of her kids and grandkids, the joy of vacations and blackberry picking, and all that - well, that made me feel happy because to be honest, I never could tell whether she was enjoying life or not. From the outside looking in, it doesn't seem like her life has been very enjoyable so I'm glad she could at least SEE the good in it.
So strange.
It sounds like, your dad lived his life looking outwards, and wrote his personal thoughts, memories, and experiences, those that he didn't go into so much with the outside world, in his diaries. Things about himself that he personally didn't spend a lot of time talking about, because he was too busy living in the moment. He didn't need to write them down because you all were there partaking in them.
Your mom, on the other hand, sounds like the opposite. The hear and now present world was all about her. Writing in the diary wasn't a time for self reflection or recording a memoir, because that was her day to day life.
It sounds like, your dad lived his life looking outwards, and wrote his personal thoughts, memories, and experiences, those that he didn't go into so much with the outside world, in his diaries. Things about himself that he personally didn't spend a lot of time talking about, because he was too busy living in the moment. He didn't need to write them down because you all were there partaking in them.
Your mom, on the other hand, sounds like the opposite. The hear and now present world was all about her. Writing in the diary wasn't a time for self reflection or recording a memoir, because that was her day to day life.
I agree about my mom. About my dad, not so sure. He wrote copiously about his military experiences, family history, childhood experiences, etc. and shared those writings (which were very good but also very self centric if that makes sense) far and wide. LOL I guess I inherited THAT gene for sure. I'm very much like my dad - but the difference seem to be that I talk/write a lot more about relationships and emotions than simply happenings or professional events. I'm not saying either version is better or worse, just different.
It just surprised me that in his private writings, he STILL didn't share anything emotional. NOTHING emotional or relationship oriented. Considering how warm and affectionate a person he was, that's just sort of jarring to me.
But maybe he was just so open with his feelings that he didn't feel the need to write them down. I will never know the answer to this. He was an enigma to me but I adored him.
That's what she's had, her whole life, her claim to fame - her striking beauty, and my dad's adoration of it. And now she doesn't have that,
In her mind she still does.
I agree that you are going to have to let it go, and I also agree that it's hard and sad.
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