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I get the potential mess part of painting. Is there an art room at her complex? It sounds like she could teach classes. I can't imagine an artistic person not having an avenue to express it.
Perhaps if her medications get a chance to help her, she will seek out activities. Since she has problems with time & maybe the passage of it, could it be possible that she is not bored as you would be?
I would suggest you give yourself a certain amount of time each morning to think about your Mom, worry etc., say a prayer, & then focus on your day. That works for me when I have something bothering me or way too much on my plate. I am also a big list maker.
You've done great, so try not to fret unnecessarily.
I think maybe you have to lower your expectations for your mother. At this point, you can't retrain her to be a different person than she has become. You have tried so hard to include her in your life. But you can't drag her along with you forever.
It's sad that she is like this. You have her in a good safe place,with plenty of activities. You are handling all her financial stuff which is very time consuming for you. I imagine that they call you whenever there is a problem with her.
Could be that it's time to stop trying to include her in activities with you outside the ALF. Maybe they have programs you could attend with her, to get her used to going? My Mom's place had visiting musicians often on weekends and family could attend. Then you go with her, and when it's over, you leave. I would also add that while my Mom generally told me she was sitting alone in her apartment all day, she was actually attending quite a few activities at her ALF. We did ask them to try to get her to go when it seemed like maybe she really was not going, and then they went to remind her and get her to go.
I don't know if your mother intentionally put the belt in the toilet so you would have to get it out. She either enjoys doing this stuff to you, or she is so far gone that she doesn't know what she's doing. I would have either left it or thrown it in the trash!
I'm trying to step back and not be as involved emotionally and in Mom's daily life and it's hard. Yesterday drove that point home.
My mom vacillates between not answering her phone and not calling me for days on end - and calling me often through the week. Lately she's been calling me often. She's bored and she doesn't have my dad around to entertain her, and since her meds have kicked in and she's getting more sleep and eating well, she has more energy.
Now - she goes to outpatient therapy for three full days a week (MWF). She goes to church with me (or us when my husband is home) every Sunday and is out and about from about 8:30 am to about 1:30 pm. That leaves T/Th/Sa that she needs to entertain herself, and she lives in a community that has "entertainment" as it's middle name.
She can walk - she has beautiful gardens and outdoor spaces right outside her door, and we are catching a break in the weather all this week - but in the 7 months she's lived there, she has walked around the garden area exactly one time - and I was with her making her do it. She can read - and she has a library at her fingertips. She can watch TV (though she has never really enjoyed that). She has a cat she loves. She has three meals a day in a nice cafeteria setting with table mates. She COULD go on all sorts of excursions that are booked at the apartments throughout the week. There are games, dances, performing folks, etc. each week.
But she doesn't get involved in any of that. Not a smidgen of it, apparently. She doesn't make friends easily so that's part of her problem.
So she basically hangs on the hope that I'll come by and do something with her during the week, and then of course spend most of Sunday with her. But I am not her "Dad replacement."
Plus she's just so unpleasant so much of the time. Get this - you know, I may have mentioned that my dad had saved a stash of her crazy emails and letters to him over the years. My gosh, they were awful. He had hidden them in a secret drawer in a filing cabinet. They were just the most cruel, ridiculing, paranoid, ranting letters you could ever read. Now - all the time she was writing these, she was fluctuating between those horrible letters, and using the crap out of my dad - for financial support, for entertainment, to drive her anywhere she wanted or needed to go, etc etc. Wow. My smart, funny, easygoing, affectionate dad - she rode him like he was an old mule. And he was just as much a part of the problem as she was because he tolerated her ranting behavior, and enabled it in fact.
Well, she has basically the same approach with me - somewhat tempered though because I absolutely will not put up with the level of BS my dad apparently put up with for decades. But it sits right below the surface, simmering. It's so much a part of her personality that even when she's got it reined in, you know it's right there. She makes veiled comments, innuendos, and even outright insults (all of which I just get tired of pushing back on, though I do it occasionally) constantly. She also totally denies any issues she's having with memory or confusion or trouble with vision, that sort of thing, so it's very difficult to help her. For instance, she is still confused about time but I can't talk with her about that - she often calls me and says stuff about "well, I'm just waiting on that darn bus and it's taking forever to get here," and when I say, "Well, the bus is coming tomorrow," invariably she immediately snaps back, "Well, I know that," or (my personal favorite) "Of course it is - I'm not an idiot. My goodness, Kathryn, you always think the worst of people, don't you? You've always been such an exaggerator."
The last several times we've been out and about, she's left her cane somewhere in a store and I've had to go back looking for it. She leaves it because though it helps her with balance, she is strong enough to walk without it so if she gets sidetracked, she may put it down and then just wander off. Luckily I found it both times pretty quickly, but I see a pattern I don't like developing here. Yesterday, she left it in the bathroom. Along with the cane propped against the wall, I found her unflushed toilet - and her belt floating in the toilet. SHEEZE.
Thank God one end of the belt was hanging out of the toilet - I pulled it out, flushed the toilet, and washed the belt off. Now - we're in a restaurant, waiting for our food. Believe me, this is unappetizing to say the least. I go back out there, hand her the cane and the wet belt, and whispered to her, "Mom. Please - you have to do better than this. I found your belt floating in pee in the toilet." She just shrugged. This is actually an improvement - she often says something along the lines of "Well, la dee da - you're not perfect either."
Honestly, maybe she can't help it. You'd just have to be around her and watch her operate - she is so careless and sloppy and destructive. But her apartment is SUPER neat now - and you know why? The administrator went and talked with her and told her that if she didn't keep it cleaner and neater, she was going to have to move out. So it's important to her to keep it clean - and she does it. So I don't know...it's very difficult to sort out what she can and cannot actually do.
For decades now, she's been the type to just tear open a box just however she wants - without looking for the perforated edges or opening. She's just a destructive, feral sort of person and it's getting worse. I don't know how else to describe it. But it's not pleasant to be around, that's for sure.
My husband was shocked because he had ordered a bowl of queso for the whole table. Well, after a few minutes of messing with it, my mom just suddenly grabbed a bunch of chips, crumpled them up, and dropped them in the bowl, and then started putting her fingers all in the bowl. My husband said, "You just messed that up for the rest of us." My mom said, "Oh, I most certainly did not." Needless to say, no one else wanted the queso. After a few minutes, my mom just pulled the whole bowl in front of her and it became hers.
I had told my husband about trying to share a dessert with her last week - I ended up just giving up, because the idea of sharing something neatly and politely is something she just can't do. So from here on out, no sharing with her unless she puts her portion or I put my portion in a separate dish. I know that option is always available but I just don't usually do that with my friends or family. Oh well. Note to self.
By the way, I totally realize how petty I sound.
It's just that emotionally, I can't seem to get past the yearning to enjoy my mom's company just a little bit instead of every single interaction being emotionally draining. Now - she DOES say to me every single time before I leave, "I appreciate you taking me shopping," or whatever. That's nice and polite - but she's been saying that for decades. But honestly, it's all the other stuff that happens before that that is so frustrating.
I know how my dad must have felt the last decade or so of his life. See, at one time, my mom was truly beautiful. She was vivacious, energetic, and very creative. I'm sure she was also very passionate sexually with my dad - in fact, I'm sure of it because she expressed that to me pretty often (her frustration because my elderly dad's "sexual energy" didn't match hers - UGH - sorry, I didn't want to hear that!). Anyway, over time her beauty faded. Her creativity became actually cloying, because she talked about it and bragged about herself CONSTANTLY (she still does that). Her energy became tiresome, because it became more and more manic and obsessive. Her vivacity developed a cruel, sarcastic edge to it. Well, I think that element has always been there, but she controlled it less and less over time. With my dad, anyway - with me, she has been more controlled since I called her hand on it and "retrained" her about 25 years ago, after going to counseling to learn about the amazing concept of personal boundaries. But it's been a constant battle to keep those boundaries in place with her. She resents the hell out of them.
But I guess my dad always yearned for that woman that he knew she could be. And I can relate because I see glimpses of the beautiful mother that I admired when I was a kid, and the creative, energetic woman I knew as an adult, someone who was usually emotionally taxing to me, but who had a creative energy that was also compelling and sometimes fun to be around. She's always been difficult but she's been a bit of an enigma. But that enigmatic quality is nearly gone, and it's not coupled with positive anymore.
So it's difficult and sort of depressing to be around her. And then I feel badly for her, because I think "She can't help it," but then I realize I've been excusing her bad behavior with that phrase since I was seven years old and I'm just sick of it. And now, because she will not get involved with anyone or anything else, I'm all she has - and I don't want to be all she has. I don't want her to rely on just me for entertainment purposes. But no one else really wants to be around her - not without me there, anyway. And she doesn't want to entertain anyone else without me being right there either.
So my whole fantasy of her moving into a senior apartment complex, making new friends, going shopping with them, eating out with them, enjoying movie night or other activities with them - that's a pipe dream that's not going to happen. Instead, she sits around waiting for the bus, or waiting for me to show up, and then she is clingy to me - but not in a sweet way if that makes sense. She's clingy in an abrasive way.
AUGH!!!!!!!!!!
She can't help it. She is Narcissistic. They understand consequences is why she now cleans the apartment. I understand the yearning for the other sides of her personality. Sometimes I call Aunt hoping for the fun and funny side of her and I get the mean/hysterical side and I'm like omg why did I call? I don't yearn for my brother's other side. I don't ever remember much of a good one, though there are times I see hope for some part to improve.
But yeah, get her own separate queso bowl and separate dishes for sharing for sure!
I think maybe you have to lower your expectations for your mother. At this point, you can't retrain her to be a different person than she has become. You have tried so hard to include her in your life. But you can't drag her along with you forever.
It's sad that she is like this. You have her in a good safe place,with plenty of activities. You are handling all her financial stuff which is very time consuming for you. I imagine that they call you whenever there is a problem with her.
Could be that it's time to stop trying to include her in activities with you outside the ALF. Maybe they have programs you could attend with her, to get her used to going? My Mom's place had visiting musicians often on weekends and family could attend. Then you go with her, and when it's over, you leave. I would also add that while my Mom generally told me she was sitting alone in her apartment all day, she was actually attending quite a few activities at her ALF. We did ask them to try to get her to go when it seemed like maybe she really was not going, and then they went to remind her and get her to go.
I don't know if your mother intentionally put the belt in the toilet so you would have to get it out. She either enjoys doing this stuff to you, or she is so far gone that she doesn't know what she's doing. I would have either left it or thrown it in the trash!
I would have left it or tossed it too. Her Mom might find those people and activities beneath her. She is a superior being. But also, yeah, she may be doing more than she admits. My brother says I have no one to talk to! And then we find out he has several people to talk to. She at least has that one neighbor friend. She might have more. But admitting that would be taking a load of KA and she doesn't want to do that. She wants KA's full attention. I know this game all too well.
My dad was a documentation gatherer. He made notes of everything, every phone conversation, every meeting, you name it. Even the most mundane conversations.
Yes, I do think he was afraid my mom would file for divorce and try to take him to the cleaners and he would have used these somehow.
Hey, speaking of weirdness - I had an interesting conversation with my mentally ill brother, who told me that both my parents had tried to convince him for many years that "he didn't need meds." I thought this was odd because I thought my dad WANTED my mom on meds for at least the last few years. I know he did try to get my mom and my brother to take the correct meds over the past few years but now that I think about it, both my parents were very "anti establishment" and "anti drug" (as in prescription meds) for many years. In fact, my dad had even OPTED OUT of the prescription meds coverage via Medicare supplements! Who with a wife who's had a stroke and who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, who himself has bladder cancer, does that?????? MY DAD.
And I think I figured out why - because my dad was afraid he'd have to give up his gun collection if his wife and son were under treatment for bipolar disorder. And he didn't want that sort of infringement on his life.
Wow. The top of my head just exploded.
Why would he have to give up his guns? Is there a law in your state that anyone with mentally ill people in their family cannot own a gun? That is not the law in my state. The state tries to prevent mentally ill people from owning guns but they don't check into the mental status of all relatives of the gun owner. And there is no obligation here for a therapist to report that.
Why would he have to give up his guns? Is there a law in your state that anyone with mentally ill people in their family cannot own a gun? That is not the law in my state. The state tries to prevent mentally ill people from owning guns but they don't check into the mental status of all relatives of the gun owner. And there is no obligation here for a therapist to report that.
Texas is one of the stricter states on this. A mere diagnosis is enough to lose the right to own a gun. Dad wouldn't have lost his, though. He was probably just concerned that he would. A friend of mine who can't own guns is married to a military man. It's an arsenal in there! Not illegal. They are all owned by the husband.
Felons are a different story. If the brother is a felon, he may not be anywhere there are guns. He'd get a HUGE charge. Considered a violent crime. 'Felon in possession of a firearm'. Merely for being in the same house...........
No, don't you dare. That's a terrible thing to call your mom. How quickly you digress from understanding that she is ill and this is who she is now and how challenging it is for you but comparing her to something as the other poster suggested is truly mean. As someone who knows, be careful about your thoughts, even about those you love because when they are gone, you will wish you never thought that about them. Don't be heartless, Kathryn. It's beneath you.
I couldn't disagree more. It was a huge relief to me when my mother died and I never regretted feeling that way for one minute. And Kathryn is NEVER heartless. Have you read her thread? Her problem is the opposite, she cares far too much and can't divorce herself from a mother who is nasty, mean, and demanding and has never, in her life, expressed any desire to change. I had the same mother. I never could "fix her" or change her or make her happy. It was a relief when she died because I could finally let go of all those desires to make her life better. I hope Kathryn can accomplish that much sooner than I did.
No, don't you dare. That's a terrible thing to call your mom. How quickly you digress from understanding that she is ill and this is who she is now and how challenging it is for you but comparing her to something as the other poster suggested is truly mean. As someone who knows, be careful about your thoughts, even about those you love because when they are gone, you will wish you never thought that about them. Don't be heartless, Kathryn. It's beneath you.
This is who she is now? No - this is who she has always been toward me. If anything, she's less aggressive and accusatory toward me now than she has ever been in her life. The better she responds to the meds, the stronger she feels, and the more ornery and, well, what shall I call it - high spirited - she feels, and acts upon those feelings, which include aggression and flat out meanness.
See, the meds control her mood swings, and cut down on her confusion caused mostly by mania and anxiety, but they don't do a dang thing to control her character. That's the sad reality I'm learning to deal with.
I'm not heartless though - otherwise none of this would bother me. But it DOES weigh on my mind, because I DO feel empathy for her. It's a fine line between empathy and allowing myself to be pushed around though. I've known that for a VERY long time in dealing with my mom.
Texas is one of the stricter states on this. A mere diagnosis is enough to lose the right to own a gun. Dad wouldn't have lost his, though. He was probably just concerned that he would. A friend of mine who can't own guns is married to a military man. It's an arsenal in there! Not illegal. They are all owned by the husband.
Felons are a different story. If the brother is a felon, he may not be anywhere there are guns. He'd get a HUGE charge. Considered a violent crime. 'Felon in possession of a firearm'. Merely for being in the same house...........
Same thing, if a person has been diagnosed with a mental illness, they cannot purchase a gun. Same with felons.
Remember G. Gordon Liddy? He was convicted in the Watergate break-in, served time in jail, and lost his right to own guns. He had a show on the radio each afternoon and he would often talk about the 28 guns that "Mrs. Liddy" owned. It was funny.
I get the potential mess part of painting. Is there an art room at her complex? It sounds like she could teach classes. I can't imagine an artistic person not having an avenue to express it.
Perhaps if her medications get a chance to help her, she will seek out activities. Since she has problems with time & maybe the passage of it, could it be possible that she is not bored as you would be?
I would suggest you give yourself a certain amount of time each morning to think about your Mom, worry etc., say a prayer, & then focus on your day. That works for me when I have something bothering me or way too much on my plate. I am also a big list maker.
You've done great, so try not to fret unnecessarily.
I do think your idea would work. Thank you.
I am hoping that the meds help her feel more comfortable with group activities because there are so many available where she is. However, like I said in the post above, I'm having to accept that the meds help her mood swings, anxiety, and mania, as well has her appetite and sleep patterns - but they don't really alter her basic personality or character. It makes sense really, but it's sad because I think she's too old to really implement her possible insights into things - for instance, does she realize she's less paranoid, less threatened by people, institutions, etc and if so - what's her application? So far I really don't see any meaningful applications other than eating and sleeping better, and keeping her apartment neater. Those are solitary activities but maybe the changes will bleed over into her relationships over time.
I do empathize with her about not having an artistic outlet, which is why I've tried to encourage her to write poetry, which she also loves doing. So far, she hasn't been inspired enough apparently - but she's been through a lot the past year.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 07-31-2017 at 06:12 PM..
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