Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Caregiving
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 01-01-2017, 05:43 PM
 
16,376 posts, read 22,365,014 times
Reputation: 14391

Advertisements

I googled to check about stinky coconut oil.

Apparently coconut oil contains butyric acid, which can have a tart, sour, vinegar or putrid smell.

Can Coconut Oil Go Bad? | Can It Go Bad?

This web site has a few people that notice a stink after putting coconut oil on their hair.

hair smells after using coconut oil? [Archive] - The Long Hair Community Discussion Boards

------------a different possibility for the smell:

It's also possible that the oil in her hair has caused a yeast or fungal infection in her scalp. And maybe it's the fungus that is smelling bad, even shortly after bathing/shampooing.

http://thebeautybrains.com/2007/03/t...hair-syndrome/

 
Old 01-01-2017, 06:06 PM
Status: "Mistress of finance and foods." (set 16 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
49,999 posts, read 63,325,358 times
Reputation: 92491
Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
why does your mother, who is suffering from dementia - have the responsibility of a young animal when she is in decline and the kitten could live for another 15-17 years? Especially considering you either did or were going to have her three dogs put down because she took terrible care of them and as a result they were untrainable.
Not at all helpful, or pertinent.
 
Old 01-01-2017, 06:14 PM
Status: "Mistress of finance and foods." (set 16 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
49,999 posts, read 63,325,358 times
Reputation: 92491
Kathryn. It seems like you are spending even more time on your mother's issues now than you were when she was at home with your father. Watch that you don't burn out, is all I'm saying.
How about spreading out to an extra day between visits? She's getting worse, and you are getting more caught up, instead of less.
 
Old 01-01-2017, 06:23 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,666 posts, read 60,237,699 times
Reputation: 101006
Quote:
Originally Posted by sware2cod View Post
I googled to check about stinky coconut oil.

Apparently coconut oil contains butyric acid, which can have a tart, sour, vinegar or putrid smell.

Can Coconut Oil Go Bad? | Can It Go Bad?

This web site has a few people that notice a stink after putting coconut oil on their hair.

hair smells after using coconut oil? [Archive] - The Long Hair Community Discussion Boards

------------a different possibility for the smell:

It's also possible that the oil in her hair has caused a yeast or fungal infection in her scalp. And maybe it's the fungus that is smelling bad, even shortly after bathing/shampooing.

The cause of smelly hair syndrome
Wow, this is great to know. I had googled it but didn't get this far with the search - thank you very much.

I do think it's the coconut oil.

I had a very difficult and unpleasant conversation with my mother tonight about the odor, which she cannot smell and insists is a "ridiculous assertion" on my part. But I would not let it drop, even though I was gentle about it. I told her I had nothing to gain by having this conversation and when she said, "No one else has told me I don't smell good," I looked long and hard at her and said, "Honestly, Mom - who WOULD tell you that? I am the only person who has the nerve to try to talk with you about this and you're being haughty and dismissive to me. It's a very unpleasant topic to try to bring up with anyone. But if I ever smell bad, I want someone I love and who loves me to PLEASE TELL ME."

That was apparently food for thought for her. After a bit she stood up with a haughty, regal (in a weird way) air about her and made this proclamation: "Well. I am NEVER going to shower every day. I think that is absolutely ridiculous. So there." To which I said, "I never suggested you shower every day. Just please shower MORE OFTEN." She looked long and hard at me and then just said, "Are we going to go to dinner or what?"

So we'll see.

Tomorrow she goes to therapy. I am going to go into her apartment and replace her oils (I found two bottles) with some oils that won't go rancid. At least one will be massage oil that has a slight scent to it. I am not going to say a word and I am going to put this oil in her current bottles so she'll think it's the same stuff - and if she asks about it I will deny everything!

At the end of the day, I guess if she smells bad, she just smells bad. Like I said, this is not a nasty funk sort of smell that seems to be coming from her netherlands - it's like it's permeating her pores. That's what makes me think it's a combination of not showering enough and layering on coconut oil which becomes rancid on her skin. It smells fine in the bottle, but after four or five days on old skin that's 98.6 degrees or so, I think it's going sour on her.
 
Old 01-01-2017, 06:36 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,666 posts, read 60,237,699 times
Reputation: 101006
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
Kathryn. It seems like you are spending even more time on your mother's issues now than you were when she was at home with your father. Watch that you don't burn out, is all I'm saying.
How about spreading out to an extra day between visits? She's getting worse, and you are getting more caught up, instead of less.
Thank you - it's a possibility and I'm tying to get my head around it.

My mom's actually not getting worse. She's actually better. It's just a combo of a couple of things. First of all, though she's better than she was a month ago, or six months ago, she is totally my responsibility. The weight of that responsibility and her expectations is a bit daunting.

Plus on top of her actual and imagined needs for both actual care and mental stimulation, I have the whole very complex estate that's weighing me down. Money is not a problem, thank God. But now I'm realizing how much of a burden property and belongings and assets can actually be.

I've spent more time with her over the past two months than I have over the past two years. She would absolutely suck me dry if let her.

Example: She called me twice last night - between midnight and 3 am. No emergency - she was just awake and felt like talking. She has always been this way - no regard for other peoples' boundaries. So I don't even chalk that up to dementia - it's the way she's always been.

She's only done this a few times and when I talked to her about it firmly today, she tried to act like she had no idea why I was ticked off, but when that didn't work, she just said, "Well, I'm sorry and now let's not talk about it any more." That may fix it for a bit, but if she does it again, I am going to have to set an alarm for myself to remind myself to block her calls before I go to bed and unblock them after I get up. See - a hassle. Not a big hassle but just another little unpleasant thing I have to add to my life. I can't block all my calls because I have family spread out all over the world in different time zones and if there was an emergency I would hate to miss a call. My husband's health isn't perfect by a long shot, for starters, and he works out of state and often works at night.

So yes, good eye - I'm getting too wound up in it all. But when I try to relax, she pulls something else! And when it's not her, it's still her. For instance, I was going to take a break from her - not see her Monday, Tuesday OR Wednesday - I was really, really looking forward to a little break. And then her doctor called - and she has a doctor's appointment Tuesday. And she's out of meds so I have to fill that prescription. And I have to contact three attorneys Tuesday. And I have to contact an appraiser this week to appraise the land that's out of state. And I have to contact an estate sale company and arrange a time to meet with them. And I have to contact my dad's CPA this week too regarding the estate taxes. I really can't put all this off -I've already put it off till "after the holidays" and it's all just bearing down on me.

On top of all that, I need to contact a counselor and go talk to someone myself, to take care of myself. I can feel a lot of stress building up inside of me.

I realize I need help - LOL. I'm laughing but seriously - I do need some help with this load and I'm going to get it.
 
Old 01-01-2017, 07:56 PM
 
13,389 posts, read 6,375,021 times
Reputation: 10022
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Thank you - it's a possibility and I'm tying to get my head around it.

My mom's actually not getting worse. She's actually better. It's just a combo of a couple of things. First of all, though she's better than she was a month ago, or six months ago, she is totally my responsibility. The weight of that responsibility and her expectations is a bit daunting.

Plus on top of her actual and imagined needs for both actual care and mental stimulation, I have the whole very complex estate that's weighing me down. Money is not a problem, thank God. But now I'm realizing how much of a burden property and belongings and assets can actually be.

I've spent more time with her over the past two months than I have over the past two years. She would absolutely suck me dry if let her.

Example: She called me twice last night - between midnight and 3 am. No emergency - she was just awake and felt like talking. She has always been this way - no regard for other peoples' boundaries. So I don't even chalk that up to dementia - it's the way she's always been.

She's only done this a few times and when I talked to her about it firmly today, she tried to act like she had no idea why I was ticked off, but when that didn't work, she just said, "Well, I'm sorry and now let's not talk about it any more." That may fix it for a bit, but if she does it again, I am going to have to set an alarm for myself to remind myself to block her calls before I go to bed and unblock them after I get up. See - a hassle. Not a big hassle but just another little unpleasant thing I have to add to my life. I can't block all my calls because I have family spread out all over the world in different time zones and if there was an emergency I would hate to miss a call. My husband's health isn't perfect by a long shot, for starters, and he works out of state and often works at night.

So yes, good eye - I'm getting too wound up in it all. But when I try to relax, she pulls something else! And when it's not her, it's still her. For instance, I was going to take a break from her - not see her Monday, Tuesday OR Wednesday - I was really, really looking forward to a little break. And then her doctor called - and she has a doctor's appointment Tuesday. And she's out of meds so I have to fill that prescription. And I have to contact three attorneys Tuesday. And I have to contact an appraiser this week to appraise the land that's out of state. And I have to contact an estate sale company and arrange a time to meet with them. And I have to contact my dad's CPA this week too regarding the estate taxes. I really can't put all this off -I've already put it off till "after the holidays" and it's all just bearing down on me.

On top of all that, I need to contact a counselor and go talk to someone myself, to take care of myself. I can feel a lot of stress building up inside of me.

I realize I need help - LOL. I'm laughing but seriously - I do need some help with this load and I'm going to get it.
It can be a huge burden to deal with other peoples money. I went through this with my sister when her husband died and she was the wife that knew nothing about the money other than how to spend it until her husband said stop.

Different for you, because you cant educate your mom to take her finances over which is what I spent two years doing.


You imo need to think about liquidating everything into one account that can be managed by professionals.

As for your mothers late night calls, leave the phone on, but just don't answer her unless she leaves a message that indicates some kind of real distress. Eventually, she will hopefully get the idea not to call at that time.
 
Old 01-01-2017, 08:05 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,666 posts, read 60,237,699 times
Reputation: 101006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondy View Post
It can be a huge burden to deal with other peoples money. I went through this with my sister when her husband died and she was the wife that knew nothing about the money other than how to spend it until her husband said stop.

Different for you, because you cant educate your mom to take her finances over which is what I spent two years doing.


You imo need to think about liquidating everything into one account that can be managed by professionals.

As for your mothers late night calls, leave the phone on, but just don't answer her unless she leaves a message that indicates some kind of real distress. Eventually, she will hopefully get the idea not to call at that time.
I did meet with my parents' financial planners and we put together a good plan for a good stream of income for my mom, trying to offset the loss of my dad's income so that her accounts aren't just whittled away. But there's still a LOT to hash through because she has a lot of property that we need to sell, and some of it my dad inherited so it has to go through probate, go to her, then we have to get appraisals, then we have to put it on the market, then finally hopefully sell it.

Of course, who calls the attorneys, the appraisals, the agents, the financial planners, the CPAs, etc etc etc and then goes to all those meetings? And then sorts through the MOUNDS of documentation my dad left behind, scans stuff, emails it everywhere, yada yada yada. Ugh. I finally had to go over to my parents' old house and cart back several filing cabinets just to have what I think I need on hand so I could quit running back and forth to their house looking for stuff. AUGH!!!!!

I can't just let the phone ring and ring and not answer it. I'd be awake no matter what if she called, even if I let it roll to voice mail. She better quit calling me at 3 am!!!!! Or 530 am - she's done that too because by then she's been up for at least an hour and she figures everyone else ought to be up by now too.

I think I got her attention today though. I really put my foot down with her firmly. We'll see how she reacts. Should be interesting.

I think I will see her Tuesday and then take a break and not go by there at all till Friday evening. Yep, that sounds like a good idea. And I'm going to try blocking her calls from when I go to bed till when I get up if she calls again in the middle of the night just to talk. I will tell her I'm going to do that first though. And tell her "So if you have a true emergency, remember - call 911, not me, because I will have my phone on silent." (She doesn't need to know that I'm only blocking her number for about six hours a night!)
 
Old 01-01-2017, 08:26 PM
 
13,389 posts, read 6,375,021 times
Reputation: 10022
Yeah I know its tough in the beginning. Didn't mean to minimize that it is, especially when you are selling property/consolidating assets. Keep chugging away at it. One thing that gets me through tough times is telling myself I can do anything for a day, a week, a month, a year, X amount of time.

My phone(land line) rings four times before it goes to message. Honestly not sure how you make that happen, but maybe something to explore.

Hopefully Mom got your message not to call at outlandish hours.

Hang in there.
 
Old 01-01-2017, 09:27 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,666 posts, read 60,237,699 times
Reputation: 101006
Hey, not a bad idea about the phone. I know how to change the number of rings, so maybe I could just tweak that some.
 
Old 01-01-2017, 10:57 PM
 
1,040 posts, read 1,073,503 times
Reputation: 2605
Hi Kathryn


My mother also had vascular dementia and I remember getting those middle of the night calls. Unfortunately, she was still in her own home and I was afraid not to answer in case there was an emergency. The bad part about it was I got to the point where I couldn't get any sleep because I expected the phone to ring any minute.


Since your mother is in a safe place and just wants to chat things are different for you. You already had one suggestion about the phone and I would like to add that you can (at least with my phone you can) turn off the ringer and keep the answering machine on if you wish. You could set it to go right to the answering machine without hearing it ringing.


I believe with my Mom part of it was the sundowning effect and she just became more active at night and not really understanding what time it was.


I am just curious about something. I have been in some residential facilities where even though someone is living in the independent living section the apartments did have a way to alert someone if they needed help. In one place there was a cord that could be pulled and it worked like a call button notifying someone (in this case a person in the assisted living center) that they needed help. Does your mother's apartment have that? I'm thinking that when you tell her not to call during the night you could remind her that if she needs help she would have that to use. Not sure if all places have something like that.


By the way, although I haven't posted here before I have been reading all the posts. I am sorry that when a person posts looking for support and suggestions that you end up having to respond several times just to defend yourself. Although our situations are not exactly the same I have spent a couple of years taking care of someone with dementia so I understand. With everything you have to deal with I think you are doing a great job.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Caregiving

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top