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Sometimes it seems like you may be trying too hard to make your mother have a "normal" life. I understand that she is your last parent and you want her to be more like your mother. If going to church puts her to sleep now, why must she go? I'm sure God will understand if she can't go any more. And why does she even need to carry a handbag, for example, when you take her out? Put whatever she needs in your purse for her. Why do you want to take her on these long outings and shopping trips that are so stressful for you? Give yourself a break. Let her make friends, or not, go on outings or not, where she is living now. Keep your visits to her short, and in her facility. Of course it's sad that she is not even what she was few years ago, and that she is declining, but you can't stop that happening. And your life needs to go on.
I'm sorry is this sounds too harsh.
I have to agree with Windwalker and others here. Seems you try so hard. Am very glad to read you are reaching out to a caregivers support group, seems like you need to be supported more than your mother during these trying times. Perhaps you will find some solace in a group support environment.
Your mom will never be lovey dovey with you and I find it so sad you trying so hard to achieve some sort of recognition in her eyes. It isn't going to happen, and I hope counseling will help you somewhat.
Back away, you don't need to be going on these weekly shopping sprees and luncheons constantly. You just build these things up which lead to failure. Visit her in her room, have lunch in the dining room at her place where others understand the spectacles your mother seems to thrive in. I would hate to see you out in public, under a table ass up looking for a piece of shredded napkin, hands and knees on the floor gathering up what amounts to gargbage from your mother's purse.
You really deserve more than this KA, you have gone above and beyond a daughter's duties. Cut back, get help for yourself, there is no help for your mother.
KA, you might want to think about a lift recliner for your brother. They aren't a whole lot more expensive than a really high-end La-Z-Boy and well worth it to avoid the strain of having to push back down when getting up.
I have one (bought second-hand like new) and it makes all the difference. Just a thought.
Good thoughts for his continued progress.
I did think about this but didn't mention it to him - but I need to, probably. I just hate to do anything to make him feel more infirm, if you know what I mean - but he IS infirm.
Sometimes it seems like you may be trying too hard to make your mother have a "normal" life. I understand that she is your last parent and you want her to be more like your mother. If going to church puts her to sleep now, why must she go? I'm sure God will understand if she can't go any more. And why does she even need to carry a handbag, for example, when you take her out? Put whatever she needs in your purse for her. Why do you want to take her on these long outings and shopping trips that are so stressful for you? Give yourself a break. Let her make friends, or not, go on outings or not, where she is living now. Keep your visits to her short, and in her facility. Of course it's sad that she is not even what she was few years ago, and that she is declining, but you can't stop that happening. And your life needs to go on.
I'm sorry is this sounds too harsh.
No, it doesn't sound harsh - I've just been letting her do what she wants to do, and so far that includes going to church and carrying a handbag. She also seems to want to go on these outings - I sure don't want to!
But I need to stop trying to help her continue these things when I honestly think they are more stress than good, if you get what I'm saying.
It's just a really difficult time we're in right now - between mild and debilitating dementia. Like my MIL - that phase between mild and debilitating seems very short and traumatic.
I have to agree with Windwalker and others here. Seems you try so hard. Am very glad to read you are reaching out to a caregivers support group, seems like you need to be supported more than your mother during these trying times. Perhaps you will find some solace in a group support environment.
Your mom will never be lovey dovey with you and I find it so sad you trying so hard to achieve some sort of recognition in her eyes. It isn't going to happen, and I hope counseling will help you somewhat.
Back away, you don't need to be going on these weekly shopping sprees and luncheons constantly. You just build these things up which lead to failure. Visit her in her room, have lunch in the dining room at her place where others understand the spectacles your mother seems to thrive in. I would hate to see you out in public, under a table ass up looking for a piece of shredded napkin, hands and knees on the floor gathering up what amounts to gargbage from your mother's purse.
You really deserve more than this KA, you have gone above and beyond a daughter's duties. Cut back, get help for yourself, there is no help for your mother.
You, sweetana and windwalker are all right on target. I do know this stuff intellectually - just trying to assimilate it emotionally and believe me, your feedback does make a difference, so I thank you for that.
I'm not going to see her this week. Just next Sunday. It's so sad to cut someone off like this - I feel like such a heel. But this stuff is getting ridiculous. I can't live in this alternative universe any longer!
You, sweetana and windwalker are all right on target. I do know this stuff intellectually - just trying to assimilate it emotionally and believe me, your feedback does make a difference, so I thank you for that.
I'm not going to see her this week. Just next Sunday. It's so sad to cut someone off like this - I feel like such a heel. But this stuff is getting ridiculous. I can't live in this alternative universe any longer!
Sounds like a plan and a step in the right direction. I look forward to hearing about the caregiver support group. You might also benefit from some one on one counseling about your feelings of guilt, it isn't sad what you are doing nor are you cutting her off. You shouldn't feel like a heel at all.
I did think about this but didn't mention it to him - but I need to, probably. I just hate to do anything to make him feel more infirm, if you know what I mean - but he IS infirm.
I have one and I'm not infirm. Not, at least, when it comes to ambulation and self-care. But having lost so much weight, your bro may not have the strength required to operate a standard recliner. And depending on which chemo he gets, he may have days when he absolutely is too weak to do so.
Being able to rise from a chair on his own may make him feel LESS infirm.
I have one and I'm not infirm. Not, at least, when it comes to ambulation and self-care. But having lost so much weight, your bro may not have the strength required to operate a standard recliner. And depending on which chemo he gets, he may have days when he absolutely is too weak to do so.
Being able to rise from a chair on his own may make him feel LESS infirm.
That's very true.
I am going to mention it to him as one of many options and talk about how easy they are to operate. I wonder how big they make them? He's very tall - 6'5".
Sounds like a plan and a step in the right direction. I look forward to hearing about the caregiver support group. You might also benefit from some one on one counseling about your feelings of guilt, it isn't sad what you are doing nor are you cutting her off. You shouldn't feel like a heel at all.
Now, have a great week, enjoy yourself and relax!
Thank you.
I'm going to wait a couple of weeks before getting in touch with the caregiver group because I have a super busy week this week (including several evening things) and then the next week we're going out of state for about five days. So when we get back I'm going to look into it.
You're right - I'm not cutting her off and I would never do that. My husband and I went to some counseling but it was mostly for dealing with the grief and loss of three of our four parents, including my dad, in a short period of time. I think my feelings of frustration and sadness are normal but I do need to quit beating myself up over it. Intellectually I know it - emotionally I'm struggling.
My daughter called her to wish her happy birthday and then called me and wailed, "I feel so guilty - but I just had to get off the phone with her - it was just difficult to talk with her! I couldn't even explain to my husband just what it was - but the conversation was so stilted and one sided. And what is she talking about you and me planning a big trip? That's the only thing she asked me about and I didn't even know what she meant." Poor baby - how well I know how she feels!
See, my daughter and her husband just got back from an anniversary trip to England - and of course you could go to England for a month and not see everything there is to see - or for a YEAR for that matter - and they were only there for about 10 days. So yesterday I told my Mom that they'd gotten back from England and she brightened up and said, "I've been to England!" and she told me about going to see Phantom of the Opera in London. (I honestly think that's the only thing she remembers about England.) Anyway, so I said, "Well, N______ and I would both love to go back because neither of us saw everything we wanted to see on either of our trips there." Mom said, "OH, you two are going to go to England?" I said, "We don't have a trip planned - we'd just love to go back together one day."
So a little while later, Mom said, "I can't believe you and N______ are going to England together." I said, "Well, Mom, we don't have a trip planned. It's just something we'd like to do one day." She then said, "Oh, well that's different - I have all sorts of things I'd LIKE to do that I'll never do." Sigh. So I just let it go.
So now she apparently thinks that my daughter and I actually have a trip planned to England together. In fact, she did bring it up again before I took her home and I actually said, "Now I wish I'd never said anything about it, because N______ and I do not have a trip planned and now you think we do." And Mom said, "No, no, I understand - it's just something you say you'd like to do but you'll never do." OK, whatever. Except she can't keep it straight.
So I told my daughter, "Just go along with it as much as you can. It's pointless to try to correct her."
Anyway, enough of all that - My busy week starts in a couple of hours and I am looking forward to all the hustle and bustle and interaction with healthy, happy people!
Honestly, I know how you feel about the visits with your mom and just not enjoying them.
My father is a perfectly lovely man -- around other people. But me, well I'm his Dumpster. As in, from the moment I see him, it's starts. The emotional vomit of complaints and rants du jour about whatever the current problem is. And I mean these are relatively ordinary problems -- like the cable company messed up this or that, or something at his bank is messed up, or the newspaper subscription price tripled and they won't decrease it for him even though he's been a customer for decades.
I mean it is constant, and if I try to shift the subject, he shifts it back ("So anyway as I was saying...") He also obsesses over each of these issues for DAYS, so, I'll usually be hearing the same rants over and over on multiple visits (every detail repeated over again even though I'll say "yeah, you told me that they passed you to 3 different reps....")
I know people will say "why not just let him vent?" Well, it's because I have PHYSICAL reactions to his venting. I guess because of his anger and tone. Like, my heart starts racing, my stomach aches and I feel my face get hot. It's just not comfortable to sit through all that, especially on my "down time" from work, and none of it is about anything I can do anything about anyway.
If I tell him I don't want to hear all the ranting, he accuses me of "not caring." Well, frankly I don't care about most of it, especially since he seems to gloss right over whatever issue I seem to be having, Like, I'll tell him I haven't been feeling well and having all sorts of symptoms that worry me -- and then a day later he acts like we never had that conversation.
So I really try to meter out my time with him so I don't get overwhelmed with all the venting. I also find that it's better for us to spend time together on activities where there is something else for him to focus on rather than just having meals together where there is conversation.
I do feel guilty about it, but then I think "Why do I feel guilty?" I am just living my life. I have no obligation to be an emotional vessel for someone talking about daily household problems that happen to everyone.
My mother in law always seems to save up her depressing news for my husband, her son. As a result, he has built up a real dislike of being alone with her. A friend told me one time that MIL was afraid of me because I don't like complaints that something she can fix. If she says she wants to move back to NY, I just simply say, "let me know when you need help doing it."
She wants to go back home to visit and it is 12 hours one way and she does not have a drivers license. There are 3 people there to visit. One with dementia and two with really serious health conditions who do not leave home. We suggest she call them often as we are unlikely to go back. ps: she never really visited with them unless we came back for a visit. They are not "close".
I spent over 40 years driving back to that h**lhole and told my husband I would never do it again. He will not go without me.
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