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Well, I just got off the phone with my mother and WOW.
First of all, she has behavioral health therapy three days a week. She often skips it. My dad did not want her skipping it and neither do either of her doctors. Prior to my dad's death, though, the doctors agreed that she could scale back to two days a week. Then my dad died, and the psychiatrist met with my mom and I and said that due to her added stress, she needed to continue three times a week.
Then the holidays came and all that and she missed a lot of sessions. Then the holidays passed and she CONTINUED to skip sessions several times a week. When I would say, "Mom, you really need to go more regularly," she would literally snarl at me, call me bossy, and tell me that she is PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF MAKING HER OWN DECISIONS THANK YOU VERY MUCH MISS BOSSY PANTS.
One of my dad's last comments to my mom (and me) was "KEEP YOUR THERAPY APPOINTMENTS." He knew she is always trying to get out of going to therapy.
The last few weeks she has become more and more surly, not just with me but with everyone. My brothers and my oldest daughter have all called me asking "what's up" with her. Like I said, she's unhappy and depressed and lashing out at everyone.
So today, she called long after her "therapy ride" had departed, so it was obvious she wasn't going. She didn't go Monday either because of MLK Day. I didn't say anything about either of those but since we were talking about her schedule (doctor check up tomorrow, getting together with family Saturday) I did say "So you're going to go to therapy Friday, right?" She immediately came back with, "That's up to me to decide, not you, Miss Bossy Pants." AND THEN SHE HUNG UP IN MY FACE.
Now - up till that point we were having a nice conversation and planning our morning and lunch tomorrow - doctor appointment and then I was going to take her out to eat wherever she wanted to go. And we usually do something else too, like some pleasant shopping or whatever.
So I sat here thinking, and I realized that she doesn't need me to take her to the doctor - she can coordinate with the bus at her facility and they will pick her up and drop her off and pick her back up again. I am not going to put up with her ornery rudeness and cater to it. And she KNOWS not to hang up on me - that's always been a boundary of mine.
So I called her back - had to call her twice because she wouldn't answer the first time - and I said, "Look - here's the deal. I'm not going to be picking you up for the doctor's appointment tomorrow. It's just a check up and you will not commit to following your doctors' orders so there's no real need for you to go, and besides that, if you WANT to go, you can catch the bus from your apartment. You don't need me to take you, and I'm not going to continue to put up with your rudeness and unpleasant behavior."
Oh, she didn't like that. She said, "WE NEED TO KEEP THE DOCTOR APPOINTMENT." I said, "Why? You aren't following your doctors' advice - the advice of TWO doctors. It's just a regular checkup. You're not having any new problems. You won't follow their advice. And to top it off, you're rude and unpleasant to me and I'm tired of it. If you think you really need to go, coordinate with the front desk - the facility bus can take you. I'm not going to."
Oh she was HOT about that - and tried every form of crazy making arguments, "I've been going to therapy," "I thought we had a good thing going," "This conversation is making me tired," etc etc.
Finally I said, "Look, Mom. I know you're going through a hard time. So am I. All I'm asking for you to do is to quit being so mean, and just be polite, and follow your doctor's orders more closely. So here's my question - will you commit to going to therapy Friday since you haven't gone all week?" SHE WOULD NOT COMMIT. She kept saying, "Its' hard to know - I haven't thought about it - I have a lot going on - This is a new thing for me to consider" yada yada yada.
I said, "Mom. All I'm saying is this - if you will commit to going to therapy Friday, I will come get you tomorrow and we can go to your check up and then out to eat. If you won't commit to going to therapy ONE time this week - Friday - then I'm not going to come pick you up tomorrow - you can go to your doctor's appointment yourself, as you know, if you think it's necessary." (She had already told me - in a haughty tone when I said she could coordinate with the bus - "I KNOW I can do that.")
My point was that she can't have her cake and eat it too - she can't just have me jumping through hoops for her all the time, trying to help her live a better, fuller, healthier life - but treat me rudely and dismissively, and ignore the treatment that she needs.
So there was a long, long silence. Finally she said, "Well, it's just hard for me to decide." I said, "It's hard for you to decide whether or not you will go to therapy Friday?" "Yes." I said, "What on earth is so hard about that? They come and get you. You have nothing else planned. You have not been all week. Just go. Just make the commitment to go."
She would not do it.
So I said, "Alright then. You have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. As you told me, you know you can coordinate with the bus to take you there and drop you off if you really think you need to go. Meanwhile, if you decide that you can commit to going to therapy Friday, then just call me today and let me know and I'll take you to the doctor tomorrow. If you don't want to make that commitment, then that's your choice and I'll see you for a very short time Saturday."
I just thought of something else. She catches the bus to church on Sunday and counts on us to meet her there, take her to lunch, and then visit with her and take her back home that afternoon. If she's still being horsey in a day or two, I'm going to tell her that we will be visiting another church Sunday so don't count on us to take her back home (the bus will pick her back up and take her home - that's part of their service).
She can't keep being so ornery and dismissive with me. I'm not going to cater to that anymore.
By the way, I know she could "commit" to going Friday and I'd take her out Thursday and then she could skip out on Friday. But my point is that she won't even say she'll go. She has dug her heels in.
This is what was driving my dad crazy before he died. There is no reasoning with her. She is totally oppositional and probably the only way I can ever get her to do anything is to act like I DON'T want her to do it.
Do you mean that a person in Assisted Living can say no to bathing and antidepressants?
And thank you for this wonderful post. I think most adult children want their parents to be happy and feel very sad when we just cannot make it happen. Eventually we do learn that our emotional survival depends on our "limiting our exposure to what we can bear."
In my experience, residents in an ALF can get out of bathing. My mom certainly did. The tended to want to assist her bathing when she wanted to do other things, and so she usually said no. You know, it isn't so much the lack of bathing. It is the lack of personal hygiene, as in she didn't wash her hands. And she liked to hold hands with me. I think ALFs could do a better job of promoting hand washing to their residents, frankly. At least that part of the body would be clean. I also think that elderly people do not need to bathe as frequently as the rest of us do. For one thing, they often have very dry skin. That's another thing ALFs should do; they could assist their residents with skin protecting lotions.
Meds are not optional though. If the doc prescribes them, they are dosed on schedule. Even if the resident protests, as my mom did, staff will persist until they get the resident to comply. They dose each pill separately to encourage residents to drink water. So many of the elderly forget to drink, and they can be dehydrated.
After church and lunch Sunday, I asked my mom if she wanted or needed anything and she said she wanted some donut holes. So off we went to the donut shop.
I said, "How many do you want?" and she said, "Oh about fifteen." OK. So I ordered two dozen. The total cost was $2.50 and I had the cash so I just paid for them. When the clerk handed the bags to me my mom said, "That doesn't seem like enough - shouldn't you have gotten more?" I said, "Mom, you wanted fifteen - I got you twenty four."
Before I handed them to her, I said, "Yum, I better test these out," and popped one in my mouth.
My mother narrowed her eyes at me and said, "Don't eat my donut holes." Yes, she was serious - she wasn't saying this in a lighthearted manner.
Oh my gosh, she is just so gnarly. I said, "Hey, Mom, get this. I paid for them. Technically they're not even really yours. I'm just generously giving you twenty three donut holes. Instead of fifteen."
Sigh.
Surely you don't take her seriously anymore, do you?
KA's Mom: (eyes narrowed) "Don't eat my donut holes."
KA: "Oops."
And shrug it off. And just leave it be. Don't apologize, for that might reduce your feelings of self worth. Just a quick oops, maybe a little sigh, and be done with it.
I jumped over to this thread because of the title. I did not read the thread, only the last couple of posts. The thread title reminded me that last Spring, my mom and I (ages 77 and 54) took a long road trip together. I drove down to LA and picked her up, and then we drove to Texas where she used to live, and where my sister and brother live.
Now, I lose patience with my mom quickly. Or I used to until this trip. Along the way we saw a lot of sights in the great Southwest USA: the Super Bloom in Death Valley, Vegas, Grand Canyon, Monument Valley, Four Corners, Shiprock, Pie Town NM (where we did stop for some pie!), White Sands, and Big Bend. Then we visited family and friends in Austin and Houston. On the way back we saw Sammy Baugh's grave in north Texas, Fort Sill OK where I used to train, the Wichita Mountains National Wildlife Refuge, the Air Force Academy where my brother went, Pikes Peak, Garden of the Gods, the Million Dollar Highway, Durango, Mesa Verde, and some of the old Route 66.
Over the many hours and weeks we spent together, I realized, oh crap much of what used to annoy are some of the same traits I have!
These days I am much more patient with her. She hasn't changed, I have. Like I like to say to my own kids, and now am taking to heart, "We can't control what others do, but we can control how we respond to what they do."
Jesseco, according to the workers in my dad's assisted living wing and then nursing wing, he could refuse and was within his patient's rights to do so.
He could refuse to get out of bed, to attend meals, to bathe and to accept medicine. Even though the psychologist deemed him depressed he could refuse medication for depression.
Imagine having to sit by while he cried and said "I just want to die" while also saying he did not want medication. It's tough. Coming in and seeing his face crusty and his clothing stained, we would be frustrated with the staff who would say, " he refused to be changed, he refused his bath, he refused to use his walker or wheelchair". Then dad would say, " no one has been in all day". Turns out dad was lying and also making their shifts unpleasant. One of those DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!!??? Moments. Yes, they knew he was a difficult patient!
By the end he had the very last room on the hallway, I assume it was because he was so difficult.
Echo7tango said: These days I am much more patient with her. She hasn't changed, I have.
These are definitely words of wisdom when being a caretaker. It was so nice to read a post where someone is seeing the other side.
Being patient is the hardest thing to do and yet it is the key to survival. Doesn't matter if your loved one was actually diagnosed with Alzheimers or another kind of dementia or just plain aging most of what is happening they can't help. Every once in a while they have a lucid moment or perform some task they couldn't before and we are fooled into thinking they really aren't that bad and they do know what they are doing. But it doesn't last. Remember, their mind is also playing tricks on them as well. They have even less of a clue what is happening to them. They are struggling as much with the change in them as you are. They don't want to act that way but they can't help it. Most times they don't even know what they are doing or saying is wrong.
It is especially hard to be patient when you are being called names or being accused of something you didn't do. My mother used to call me names, say really mean things and I was constantly accused of stealing her money and jewelry. At first I kept showing her the bank statements to prove the money was still in the account. We went back and forth until I finally realized I was wasting my time. Her mind just could not grasp what I was saying. All it did was upset her and me. Another time she accused me of stealing a ring. I went all over the house looking for it and finally found it in a ceramic jar. For some reason one day she must have felt the need to hide it but of course she wouldn't remember where afterward. When I found it and it proved I didn't take it of course in my mind I figured she would be sorry for accusing me. She didn't say a word. It is just one of many instances where it shows their mind isn't working right.
It is really hard if not next to impossible to be patient when someone is being mean to you. If you can manage to get yourself to do that you will take away a lot of the stress. You have to constantly remind yourself ... they can't help it, they don't realize what they are saying and doing, they aren't trying to purposely make you miserable, it is beyond their control. If my mother had known some of the terrible things she said to me she would have been mortified and I realize that.
It took me a while to put myself in her world and try to understand her mind. Some things I learned along the way and some I didn't learn until it was too late.
In my experience, residents in an ALF can get out of bathing. My mom certainly did. The tended to want to assist her bathing when she wanted to do other things, and so she usually said no. You know, it isn't so much the lack of bathing. It is the lack of personal hygiene, as in she didn't wash her hands. And she liked to hold hands with me. I think ALFs could do a better job of promoting hand washing to their residents, frankly. At least that part of the body would be clean. I also think that elderly people do not need to bathe as frequently as the rest of us do. For one thing, they often have very dry skin. That's another thing ALFs should do; they could assist their residents with skin protecting lotions.
Meds are not optional though. If the doc prescribes them, they are dosed on schedule. Even if the resident protests, as my mom did, staff will persist until they get the resident to comply. They dose each pill separately to encourage residents to drink water. So many of the elderly forget to drink, and they can be dehydrated.
Thank you, Silibran! I just started a new thread about ALFs so I don't hijack KA's thread.
Jesseco, according to the workers in my dad's assisted living wing and then nursing wing, he could refuse and was within his patient's rights to do so.
He could refuse to get out of bed, to attend meals, to bathe and to accept medicine. Even though the psychologist deemed him depressed he could refuse medication for depression.
Imagine having to sit by while he cried and said "I just want to die" while also saying he did not want medication. It's tough. Coming in and seeing his face crusty and his clothing stained, we would be frustrated with the staff who would say, " he refused to be changed, he refused his bath, he refused to use his walker or wheelchair". Then dad would say, " no one has been in all day". Turns out dad was lying and also making their shifts unpleasant. One of those DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!!??? Moments. Yes, they knew he was a difficult patient!
By the end he had the very last room on the hallway, I assume it was because he was so difficult.
Thank you, Plantress! I just started a new thread on ALFs so I don't hijack KA's thread.
Echo7tango said: These days I am much more patient with her. She hasn't changed, I have.
These are definitely words of wisdom when being a caretaker. It was so nice to read a post where someone is seeing the other side.
Being patient is the hardest thing to do and yet it is the key to survival. Doesn't matter if your loved one was actually diagnosed with Alzheimers or another kind of dementia or just plain aging most of what is happening they can't help. Every once in a while they have a lucid moment or perform some task they couldn't before and we are fooled into thinking they really aren't that bad and they do know what they are doing. But it doesn't last. Remember, their mind is also playing tricks on them as well. They have even less of a clue what is happening to them. They are struggling as much with the change in them as you are. They don't want to act that way but they can't help it. Most times they don't even know what they are doing or saying is wrong.
It is especially hard to be patient when you are being called names or being accused of something you didn't do. My mother used to call me names, say really mean things and I was constantly accused of stealing her money and jewelry. At first I kept showing her the bank statements to prove the money was still in the account. We went back and forth until I finally realized I was wasting my time. Her mind just could not grasp what I was saying. All it did was upset her and me. Another time she accused me of stealing a ring. I went all over the house looking for it and finally found it in a ceramic jar. For some reason one day she must have felt the need to hide it but of course she wouldn't remember where afterward. When I found it and it proved I didn't take it of course in my mind I figured she would be sorry for accusing me. She didn't say a word. It is just one of many instances where it shows their mind isn't working right.
It is really hard if not next to impossible to be patient when someone is being mean to you. If you can manage to get yourself to do that you will take away a lot of the stress. You have to constantly remind yourself ... they can't help it, they don't realize what they are saying and doing, they aren't trying to purposely make you miserable, it is beyond their control. If my mother had known some of the terrible things she said to me she would have been mortified and I realize that.
It took me a while to put myself in her world and try to understand her mind. Some things I learned along the way and some I didn't learn until it was too late.
I get what you're saying. I really do.
But my mom has acted rudely to me for 55 years. It's not dementia.
And she can control more of what she's saying, so she needs to.
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