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Don't worry, Kathryn. Either the crying time will come or it won't. When MIL died, both her sons were dry-eyed through the whole funeral, clearing out process and probate. One funeral attendee commented that it was the driest eyed funeral she'd ever attended. True. By the time she died, the boys were just too exhausted to cry, and since she had pretty much hated both her daughters-in-law, we didn't feel much that needed to be cried out.
Five years later, neither son has cried. They tell funny stories about her and help me add to the genealogy. But however they grieved, it stayed quiet within each one.
Don't worry, Kathryn. Either the crying time will come or it won't. When MIL died, both her sons were dry-eyed through the whole funeral, clearing out process and probate. One funeral attendee commented that it was the driest eyed funeral she'd ever attended. True. By the time she died, the boys were just too exhausted to cry, and since she had pretty much hated both her daughters-in-law, we didn't feel much that needed to be cried out.
Five years later, neither son has cried. They tell funny stories about her and help me add to the genealogy. But however they grieved, it stayed quiet within each one.
And that's okay, too.
That's good to know because I was starting to feel like a jerk. Seriously.
I don't miss who my mom was the past few years. I really don't. I already grieved the loss of my healthy mother with no dementia. I'd say that the closest I feel to grief is when I find little things like her diary - but even then it's more nostalgia rather than grief. My mother was a difficult woman who refused treatment for her considerably problematic bipolar disorder for my entire life. Then when dementia hit her, she refused treatment and denied that as well.
I am a little sad about the whole thing, and losing her has reminded me of losing my dad, which was much harder emotionally because we were so much closer AND HE DIDN'T HAVE DEMENTIA FOR YEARS SO I WASN'T EXHAUSTED FROM NAVIGATING THAT ISSUE, but for instance, when I see comments like "I wish I could just call my mother," or "I miss my mother every day," or "No one will ever love you like your mother loved you," I just think, "Hm. OK. I guess that's how some people feel." And maybe that would be nice. I mean, I miss my dad - not every single day, but often. I wish I could call him - but I do talk to him often.
And I'd love to see both my parents again in their prime. But what I'd want to do is pull each of them aside and tell them, "Quit your arguing and bickering. Get some professional help. You're in over your head and you're going to dump it all on me one day if you don't get a handle on this NOW!" Wait. I already told them both this, and they just gave me a blank look. So I'm pretty sure that wouldn't work any better now than it did before.
Honestly, I do not miss my mother. She was selfish, controlling and mean. Everything was always about her. She even told me that the reason I was born was so that she "didn't have to be alone." I am still dealing with the damage she caused, and I am 62. My father pretty much blew me off once he had kids with his second wife. My stepmother was more of a parent to me than either of my biological ones. I don't miss him either.
Like you, Kathryn, I think it would have been nice to have the kind of mother that I could say "I miss her every day", etc. But I didn't. I still have a lot of anger about the way she treated me and the consequences to my life because of how she was. I don't know if you watch the TV show "Mom", but there was an episode I saw the other night where one of the character's mother died, and she had abandoned her when she was four. She wrote a letter to her mother expressing her anger and disappointment, and stood at her mother's grave and read it to her. She was then able to free herself from the feelings that had festered in her for so many years. I have decided to do the same thing, although my mom has no grave and her ashes were disbursed in another state.
I consider it a victory, for you and for me, that we have been able to grow and have happy lives despite them. Rock on, Kathryn!
Honestly, I do not miss my mother. She was selfish, controlling and mean. Everything was always about her. She even told me that the reason I was born was so that she "didn't have to be alone." I am still dealing with the damage she caused, and I am 62. My father pretty much blew me off once he had kids with his second wife. My stepmother was more of a parent to me than either of my biological ones. I don't miss him either.
Like you, Kathryn, I think it would have been nice to have the kind of mother that I could say "I miss her every day", etc. But I didn't. I still have a lot of anger about the way she treated me and the consequences to my life because of how she was. I don't know if you watch the TV show "Mom", but there was an episode I saw the other night where one of the character's mother died, and she had abandoned her when she was four. She wrote a letter to her mother expressing her anger and disappointment, and stood at her mother's grave and read it to her. She was then able to free herself from the feelings that had festered in her for so many years. I have decided to do the same thing, although my mom has no grave and her ashes were disbursed in another state.
I consider it a victory, for you and for me, that we have been able to grow and have happy lives despite them. Rock on, Kathryn!
YAY, US!
I don't know about you, but I invested in several years of counseling in order to move past the dysfunction, neglect, and even abuse of my childhood. I came to a point where I was able to establish and maintain healthy boundaries (not without some struggle sometimes), but not only that - and more freeing even than that - I was able to forgive my parents and accept that they were more inept than evil. They didn't know the first thing about healthy dynamics, let alone mental illness, or the concept of enabling others. Honestly, I do think they tried to do what was right, and that's more than we can say for a lot of people.
I also was blessed to realize and understand that my parents both truly loved me and WANTED me. Once again, that's more than a lot of people ever have. So I am very thankful for that, and that's why, in spite of the difficulties with my mom, I felt an obligation to protect her and take care of her needs when she was unable to do so. It wasn't because "she was my mother." It wasn't because "she wiped my behind and now it was my turn to wipe hers." It wasn't because "we only have one mother." It wasn't because "others expected me to do it." Nope. It was because my mom and dad tried to meet my needs and tried to live good lives, even though they sometimes missed the mark. But in spite of their mistakes, they raised me as best they knew how and it was up to me to return that favor.
When I didn't go see Mom EVERY DAY, when I didn't feel an obligation to sit at her bedside when she was dying, when I left her in the hands of hospice and CNAs and went home to spend time with my husband, I didn't feel guilty because I already knew that I'd done more for her and for Dad than she'd ever done for me, and certainly more than she'd ever done for any elderly person in her own life. No regrets.
In fact, I did do one thing that might be considered vindictive, but I didn't do it to be vindictive, I just did it to make a point: I put up a framed photograph of her grandmother well within her line of vision those last few weeks. This was the woman she left alone, with dementia, to die thousands of miles away in a squalid apartment, to be found several days after she died by neighbors. This is the same woman who gave my mother thousands and thousands of dollars - her only child's only child, her only living relative. I wanted my mother to be reminded that she was not in that position, that she hadn't been abandoned in her hour of greatest need. But I also wanted to be able to see that photo so that when I got ready to leave, or when I cut a visit short, or whatever, I could be reminded also that while I might be cutting a visit short, at least I WAS visiting.
Some people cry and some don't. It doesn't mean that person is uncaring or unfeeling. Everyone simply reacts differently. I'm a crier. Heck, I cry at hallmark card commercials and have even teared up at the heartfelt stories I read here on C-D. Nothing wrong with not crying, at all. And don't worry about what others think. People who judge others by their actions are pretty sad and narrow-minded and truly don't understand human behavior. You're doing fine, Kathryn. You're not a jerk so just get that out of your head.
OK so today is a big football day and I am into football and yes, I admit that I am a diehard Saints (and sometimes Aints) fan! Not too many years ago - like three years ago - my dad would have been coming over this afternoon to watch the game since my mom hated football and literally would not allow my dad to watch it anywhere in the house. And if he came over here, she'd come with him but sleep (or pretend to sleep) through the game and every once in awhile she'd rouse herself and say, "My goodness, is it over yet?" No, Mom and by the way, how on earth can you even sleep with all this yelling going on?
I'm wearing my dad's Saints sweatshirt and it makes me feel good to think about how much he loved New Orleans in general and the Saints in particular. And the Chief's quarterback is from the town I've lived in the past 25 years and went to the same high school that my daughter went to, though she had already graduated. So today is a big football day around here and I have not been sad one iota today.
Now - speaking of crying - I might cry a little if the Saints lose today...
Some people cry and some don't. It doesn't mean that person is uncaring or unfeeling. Everyone simply reacts differently. I'm a crier. Heck, I cry at hallmark card commercials and have even teared up at the heartfelt stories I read here on C-D. Nothing wrong with not crying, at all. And don't worry about what others think. People who judge others by their actions are pretty sad and narrow-minded and truly don't understand human behavior. You're doing fine, Kathryn. You're not a jerk so just get that out of your head.
I did not cry when my mother died. I think I did my crying as her depression and dementia progressed. I cried literally on the shoulders of the staff at her nursing home many times.
But we recently lost my mother-in-law who was in her nineties. I cried for her, to my surprise, and I think I was also crying for my mother as memories came flooding back.
I did not sit with my mother endlessly waiting for her to die. When I talk to friends, many were not with loved ones at the moment of death, despite the way we so often hear of well known people dying surrounded by family. Gosh a friend flew from Sydney to Chicago to be with her dying mother, but her mother died when she was having a break. My own family is too small for us to have taken shifts with any of our parents at the end.
I am only starting to miss my mother several months later when I can think more of the earlier years. I do not miss going to the nursing home though I do miss some of the staff, to be honest. I do not miss fighting to be patient with my mother's behaviour.
I do not miss having to juggle my time so much as I was absolutely determined to not let my mother prevent me from doing what I wanted as a grandparent. Her severe depression started only weeks after my daughter and first grandchild had moved back to Oz from overseas. Almost as if she was depressed because of the loss of some of my attention. Who knows.
I think there are stereotypes about grief but we all have our own different experience of it.
OK so today is a big football day and I am into football and yes, I admit that I am a diehard Saints (and sometimes Aints) fan! Not too many years ago - like three years ago - my dad would have been coming over this afternoon to watch the game since my mom hated football and literally would not allow my dad to watch it anywhere in the house. And if he came over here, she'd come with him but sleep (or pretend to sleep) through the game and every once in awhile she'd rouse herself and say, "My goodness, is it over yet?" No, Mom and by the way, how on earth can you even sleep with all this yelling going on?
I'm wearing my dad's Saints sweatshirt and it makes me feel good to think about how much he loved New Orleans in general and the Saints in particular. And the Chief's quarterback is from the town I've lived in the past 25 years and went to the same high school that my daughter went to, though she had already graduated. So today is a big football day around here and I have not been sad one iota today.
Now - speaking of crying - I might cry a little if the Saints lose today...
Ok since you’re grieving I won’t give you grief about the Saints— being a Falcons fan myself. 😊 I’m pulling for the Chiefs. God help us in Atlanta if the Patriots and their fans come to town!!!!
Ok since you’re grieving I won’t give you grief about the Saints— being a Falcons fan myself. 😊 I’m pulling for the Chiefs. God help us in Atlanta if the Patriots and their fans come to town!!!!
Oh I'm already over it - I just want there to be some really bad calls (or missed calls) against the Rams, so they will lose the Superbowl!
I'm all about the Chiefs, since their quarterback is from here!
I like the Falcons fine by the way! I'm just Saints crazy. Or Aints crazy today.
Oh I'm already over it - I just want there to be some really bad calls (or missed calls) against the Rams, so they will lose the Superbowl!
I'm all about the Chiefs, since their quarterback is from here!
I like the Falcons fine by the way! I'm just Saints crazy. Or Aints crazy today.
OK I wrote that post before the bad call. You guys were robbed, seriously.
On a more somber note, I wanted to say that the only time I cried about my mom's passing was when the hospital called to tell me she had passed. I cried for a few minutes then, and then I didn't cry after that at all, even when I was working on her slideshow for her memorial service nor when we spread her ashes.
Like Marisa May said, I cried earlier in my mother's dementia. I lost her piece by piece, bit by bit for 17 years. By the end of the road I was just so happy FOR HER that she didn't have to live with a demented mind anymore. I don't know what happens in the afterlife but in my brain she is now once again the intelligent, engaged and beautiful woman I grew up with.
People grieve differently. It's interesting how my father has handled it. I know that both my parents wanted "celebrations" rather than "funerals" -- they wanted their loved ones to gather, have a drink or two and some good food, and share memories. So we had that kind of memorial for Mom. However, I was really surprised that my father didn't want anything to do with her ashes. In fact, those ashes are in my possession, and he has no idea what I have done with them (we spread some of them as a family but he doesn't know and hasn't asked about where the rest of her remains ended up.) I bought a pretty urn and they're in my home. That's fine. I think to him the ashes represents finality and he doesn't want to have anything to do with them. Come to think of it, I was the one who picked them up from the crematorium.
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