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I also went through several years of counseling. They say you marry someone like your father, but I married someone like my mother. For 8 years I was caught between them as they both wanted control over me and my life. When I finally left my husband, I broke, and that's when I started the counseling. After a couple of years of me and my two kids living alone, we moved into a house with my mother so that the kids could live in a better place in a decent neighborhood. So I basically jumped right back into her web, and she made the most of it. Only this time my daughter was in it as well, and between my mom and her father, and me not being strong enough to counteract them, she had a psychotic break when she was 12.
I did visit my mom for a few months after she went into the AL facility, but as her dementia progressed she turned into an even bigger monster, and I had finally had enough. I stopped going to see her, and I stayed away from her for a year and a half until she passed away. This is when my daughter and I were able to grow into who we were meant to be instead of just pawns in my mother's game. She is now happily married with a daughter of her own, and I am happily married to a man who is truly my partner in every sense of the word. Do I feel guilty? You betcha. I was raised to feel that way, and I am still fighting it.
Unlike you, Kathryn, neither of my parents tried to do the best they could for me. They did the best they could for them and I was just a tool they used to do it. So yeah, many years of counseling for me. I don't think I would have been strong enough to fight for myself and my daughter, or finally draw that boundary without it. I am still working on the forgiveness part and that's been the hardest part of all.
I have said it before and I will say it again... I admire you, Kathryn, for being so strong and your ability to see things with such clarity and share it so eloquently.
We tend to marry someone like our most oppositional parent, the parent we had the most problems with. We subconsciously think that this time we can make it work. I too married my mother and my husband married is not so nice father. Through years of therapy, we worked through it. My husband and I are now both much nicer, kinder, people who love each other. Like you my parents were locked into their dysfunctional relationship that had nothing to do with their children other than using them to meet their sick emotional needs.
At the end of my mother's life she was not speaking to me because she didn't like the boundaries that I set and they were quite reasonable. Things like she and I had to work out times for her to see my very busy kids rather than her just call and expect I would let her come over and take the kids on her schedule. We couldn't always meet her demands and she wasn't having that so she stopped speaking to me. It worked for me!
And wow, so many similarities...I guess there are a lot more of "us" out there than we realize.
I don't think the kids came first with my parents, not with either of them. I don't mean to imply that either of my parents actually even attempted to "sacrifice" for the good of any of their kids. They did, however, make sure that we were well housed, well fed, dressed appropriately, that sort of thing.
My son noticed something IMMEDIATELY when I sent him a copy of that audio tape I was talking about - I mean, for me it was so typical that it didn't even register, but he noticed it immediately and called me about it.
He said, "Mom, I noticed on that tape that your dad is the person who took you and your brother to your Christmas pageant. Your mom said she didn't go. Don't you think that's weird?" And you know what - it IS weird that she stayed home - she said it was because our youngest brother was "fussy" but in retrospect I realize she ALWAYS stayed home. It was our father who did anything with us basically. And then I thought "You know what - my adopted brother - English as a second language and in the tape you could still hear his Korean accent - was only six years old, and I was only nine - and we had pretty big roles I guess since we were both reciting our long parts - and our mother wasn't there. And apparently we didn't expect her to be there - because she wasn't ever there." And that was the truth.
So, on Christmas Eve, Mom stayed home and in her words she "wandered around the house, looking at Christmas decorations." I believe that totally, because that's basically what she was always doing - wandering around the house. My dad used to tell me "Your mother has been standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom for two hours now." Many of my childhood memories of her are of her just standing in her bathroom in front of the mirror, staring.
Today I am sort of sad. Today it hit me, after a weekend of football and catching up on resting after the sad and tiring work of last week, that normally I'd go see Mom today since it has "been a few days." And I will never go see her again. And it's not like I LOOKED FORWARD to going to see her but it was something that I did. It's really weird to think that I will not have the need to ever take that turn, pull into that parking lot, sign in, and wander down the hall to go see Mom. The really weird thing is that I do not miss her though. I have TRIED to miss her. I have tried to think about before she had dementia - but there's really not much there yet. She was so anti social, so withdrawn, so reserved about any feelings. Nearly every single picture I have of her she has the same expression on her face - a "cleared" face if that makes sense - a Mona Lisa smile.
My sister in law and I were talking about the hassle of getting manicures and I said "Ain't nobody got time fo dat," and she said, "Well, now you do." And it hit me - that's right. Now I have time. Now suddenly I have a lot of time to go get manicures.
Like you, I was able to move beyond my parents' dysfunctional dynamics but not without making some colossal mistakes first. Like you, I married someone like my mom. The reason is that I am more like my dad emotionally and personality wise, so I was recreating dynamics that I was familiar with. NO BUENO because I didn't really realize how destructive those dynamics were till I married into them. OH. MY. GOSH. And when I finally divorced my ex husband, MY MOTHER TOOK HIS SIDE OF THINGS. She felt like I was being quite judgmental and intolerant. Right - of abuse. Flat out abuse. But that's how SHE operated with my dad, controlled my dad, etc. so she couldn't for the life of her understand why I wouldn't tolerate it. Hadn't she raised me to tolerate it?
Now I am married to a man who is a lot like my dad - except I'm not like my mother, so the dynamics aren't the same at all. And get this - HIS mother was mentally ill - as in involuntarily committed, suicidal, clinically depressed. So we totally get each other and have from the get go. And neither of us wants any drama - we don't give it and we don't get it. No screaming fights, no throwing things, no threats of suicide or bodily harm, no eating disorders, no rages, no withdrawing, no ultimatums. Wow, it's FANTASTIC.
I think I have shared this but I'll share it again. My dad had some sort of favorite scene in some movie, I don't know what it was, but it went something like this - a deathbed scene with the wife dying, and the husband says to her, "You were my best friend, my lover, my enemy" and my dad would always say, "Isn't that fantastic - my lover, my enemy!" and finally he quit quoting that to me because every time he would do so I'd say, "No, Dad, that's not appealing to me. I don't want to be in love with someone who is also my enemy. I don't see how that would be beautiful." Apparently there was something he loved about those dynamics - but personally, I think they are exhausting and unnecessary - and disrespectful. No thanks.
My parents related like that - fire and ice, ups and downs, fighting and making up, yadda yadda yadda. Well, I don't like those dynamics myself and I think they can be very hurtful and harmful to children in a family.
Yes I am one of you too. I shed no tears when my adoptive father died. Even though for several years he could no longer beat me in a drunken rage because I refused to allow him to molest me and I no longer lived at home I still had the inner fear going on in my brain.Adoptive mother knew about the child molestation problem as he has also caused it in her own sister and brothers house with their daughters but some how she turned it all to my fault. Years later when she died I too just felt relief and a little bit of sadness I never had the loving family I thought adoptive parents were supposed to be. After all it was them that wanted a child so bad. I felt more sad for me for what I feel I missed out on. I hardly saw them in the ten years from my turning 17 and leaving home to when he died.I would not go there with out protection for me.
Then when my hubby died I missed him but the time I now have just for me and to totally make all my own decisions, good or bad, is good. I do what I want when I want. Never had a manicure/pedicure ever but I have slept in until noon a few times or stayed up all night working on an art project because it was going so well at the time. I too have a wee bit of guilt for not feeling totally ripped up for losing my husband. We had a great 31 year run together. My heart still belongs to him but I am not sorry he is no longer suffering the day to day cancer issues which were numerous.
Kathryn it took me way more than a week to rest up and recover from the stress of the last few months/years caretaking my hubby. Some days I had good energy and some days I was almost flatline. Try not to push yourself too hard. I do feel exactly the same way as you several times now as I drive by the chemo lounge. I run into the nurses in the stores close by it once in awhile and they always say drop in. He was a patient there 4 years. But it is so hard for me to go back. BUT I am not sad I do not have to go back there. Actually I am grateful. I do think it is different losing a spouse verses parent but some things in grief are a bit the same.
Big hugs to you. I woke to 4 1/2 inches of new snow over night. Time to tune up the snow shovel. OK I DO miss his part in the snow plowing.
I think it takes a while to recover your energy, longer than you expect. We have lost both our mothers this past six months and even though they were very old, the whole process is stressful and sad.
As Kathryn says, suddenly your life has permanently changed. It takes some time to come to terms with that. I am tired right at the moment. It is very hot here, which does not help (today in Adelaide, South Australia, they recorded the hottest day ever for a capital city, about 114F, and that heat is headed our way.) It is also our summer holidays and many of us grandparents are helping out with some childcare.
I have clothes still needing to be packed up and donated to a charity. However they were overwhelmed with donations over Christmas. (shows how exciting Australian lives are, it seems we spend our Christmas holidays cleaning out our cupboards) So it is hard to get motivated and best left a couple of weeks, I think.
I am allowing myself to be lazy this week. I think I need to as I am still not sleeping particularly well. As said above, some days I get a burst of energy and others are the opposite.
You know what was really weird, and still feels weird to me? A birthday without my mom or dad. They were the only two people on earth who had those special memories and celebratory feelings that parents have for their kids' birthdays. When they died, memories died with them.
Thankfully I did still get plenty of "birthday attention," but there's still nothing like the warm joy of a parent on that day.
You know what was really weird, and still feels weird to me? A birthday without my mom or dad. They were the only two people on earth who had those special memories and celebratory feelings that parents have for their kids' birthdays. When they died, memories died with them.
Thankfully I did still get plenty of "birthday attention," but there's still nothing like the warm joy of a parent on that day.
Aw Kathryn I feel sad for you for that. I dreaded birthdays because they celebrated all right but it was a drunken brawl every time. All holidays were. My adoptive mother was not the alcoholic adoptive father was but she drank enough to not make it pleasant. You said earlier your birthday was coming so tell us when and we will celebrate with you. Even if you do not want to disclose the true date we can make one up here and give you a party. So sorry you did not get to enjoy it with your daughter.
Aw Kathryn I feel sad for you for that. I dreaded birthdays because they celebrated all right but it was a drunken brawl every time. All holidays were. My adoptive mother was not the alcoholic adoptive father was but she drank enough to not make it pleasant. You said earlier your birthday was coming so tell us when and we will celebrate with you. Even if you do not want to disclose the true date we can make one up here and give you a party. So sorry you did not get to enjoy it with your daughter.
Hey we can party now! Thank you!
I feel like a heel even complaining because I am absolutely THE MOST SPOILED WOMAN in the world. My husband dotes on me, and I have gotten calls, texts, lunches with friends, cards, little gifts, big gifts, you name it from so many people. Actually it's sort of ridiculous if I sit and think about it and I don't even know how these people know it's my birthday because I don't put it on social media but apparently they're noting it somehow. And I'm really not complaining - it just made me feel wistful because one thing my parents always did with great joy was celebrate my birthday with me. My dad was extra cute about it - he would pick up all sorts of things through the year that he thought I'd like, at estate sales, second hand shops, etc, and on my birthday he'd give me all these little random things, like 8 cobalt blue tea glasses, a china cat figurine, a vase, something from New Orleans (one year he gave me a Mardi Gras china doll he found for instance, and another year he gave me a scarf with fleur de lis on it). But my mom was in on this too - but she'd always say, "Oh, for heaven's sake, give that girl a check! She doesn't want all that junk!" (Yes, I did but hey, I got both!) And we'd always get together for cake and wear goofy birthday hats - they were always cute about that sort of thing.
I am sorry your birthdays were so blech, I really am. My parents did drink occasionally but they weren't alcoholics and they certainly weren't mean drunks - or even drunks.
In fact, funny story - my mom DID get drunk one night because she had accidentally left the latch on her bird cage loose and the CAT got to the bird and killed it and my mom was so upset she drank a whole bottle, or maybe even more than that, of wine. In her drunken state, she swore an oath to God that she would never drink again, and she never did.
Now she enjoyed a glass or two of wine, but no matter how often I told her, "Mom, God doesn't hold us to anything we promise when we're drunk" she never took a sip of any sort of alcohol again to my knowledge!
LOL Bless Mom I feel for her on the cat and bird incident. In a way now it is good I never really enjoyed holidays Makes living alone a lot easier for me now. Just another day for me.
So Happy Happy Birthday to you. It is good to hear you are spoiled. I am too in a way because my hubby left me in a good place here.
WE always assumed I would be the one left behind being 10 years younger than he was. Never even dreamed cancer would strike. But his many years of care and managing finances making good solid decisions helps to make my life easier alone. And even this house was designed for us to age in place . Wishing we were both aging in place together but it is what it is. I am good and as much as I do miss hubby I am very happy and content in the life I have now. It is different but it is not at all bad.
Now Go kick up your heels. Get that manicure and pedicure and have that glass of wine. Maybe all 4 things at the same time LOL.
Happy Birthday Kathryn! I so hope you are having a joyful day- you deserve it!
I am also spoiled by my husband. I am disabled, so he has to do a lot of things for me that I can no longer do. When I feel bad about it, he just says that it's his job and he is glad to do it. He puts me first in just about everything...I even have full control of the TV remotes! Life is so much different with him than with my ex, who controlled everything from what flavor of ice cream we bought to what we watched on TV.
My DH rarely gets mad at me, even when I cause something stupid (which I often do) like spill something that I can't clean up. Today, I cut his hair, which I have done for many years (his mom gets snippy about it if it gets more than an inch long.) However, I forgot to put the guide thingy on the clippers, and my first pass over his head pretty much shaved it down to the scalp. I was mortified! But he didn't get mad, and I ended up cutting the rest of it the same way. He actually looks good that way, and his mom was delighted and told him to tell me to do that same "oops" every time I cut it.
My mother and my ex-husband treated me like my mere existence was an irritation to them. It is so nice to be treated like I am cherished and not an inconvenience.
Today I'm wandering around my house feeling sad. I mean, I've got plans for this evening so I'll be OK, and actually I'm glad I'm feeling sad because I was starting to wonder if I was a psychopath. But instead of looking at photos of her when she was young, and frankly raising hell, I looked at some photos today of when she was old and sick, of when the dementia began to rob her of every single thing she had ever had. Because regardless of whether or not I appreciated things about her life, SHE did. She had a husband, a home, pets, talents, etc. and after my dad died, she began to lose one thing after another till dementia finally took every single element of her life away. In the end it was just her, in a bed, unable to even see the photos of loved ones that I'd put in her line of vision, because she had macular degeneration and a stroke to her optic nerve on top of everything else going on with her.
You know, people always say "Well, they can take away this or that, but they can't take away our memories!" I don't know who "they" is, but I'm here to tell you, "it" can take away every single thing, including memories, till all that is left is a shell of a broken body laying in a bed - if we're lucky enough to have a bed.
Well, that's my uplifting thought for the day.
I woke up this morning with my mom on my mind - for a minute or two I forgot she was gone, and was thinking, as I was waking up, "Need to go see Mom today..." Now notice, I wasn't thinking about how great it would be to go see Mom - I was thinking of it as an obligation...and then realized I don't have that obligation anymore. Instead of relief, it was just an empty feeling.
Going through dementia with both my mother in law and my mother has shown me that I really, really, really, really, really would prefer another way out of this world. I guess we don't get to choose though.
Yes, at this time, in this country anyway, we do not get to choose. But dementia is indeed everything you say, Kathryn. Yesterday we were discussing a close friend who is quite an adventurer and has just completed a significant expedition overseas. I said that I would never be that brave and if I pushed myself to do things that I really did not want to do, it would be pointless as I would probably completely forget it down the track. Things I enjoy at the time are a different matter, as are obligations.
Too much thinking time can be quite difficult. Sounds like a break away could be good for you. We had a prebooked month in Europe last year and left only two weeks after my mother's funeral. It was really good for me.
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