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IMHO, you may have to cut out those meals out after church. Or else, think of a way that your husband can set the boundaries. Perhaps, he can say "Mom/MIL/Whatever, I love you but I wlll not allow you to talk rudely to my wife. If it happens again I will immediately drive you back to your home, not speak with you in the car, and neither of us will meet you for church, and take you out for lunch, the next Sunday." And then after the warning, if she speaks rudely to you, hubby needs to stand up and immediately take her back, even if she is in the middle of eating or starts kicking & screaming (just like you would with a toddler that is having a tantrum).
Also, be sure to get one of those rubber backed furniture size wetting pads to put on the chair. They come in a few basic colors of corduroy and will save the chair if she has an accident or leaks out of the sides of her diaper.
Oh my husband is all about getting in the middle of her business. He's sick to death of her shenanigans. He's already called her hand a couple of times but he said he is willing to get more ruthless because she certainly is.
Meet fire with fire, I guess. I'm just not wired together like she is. Neither is he, really. Neither of us enjoys fighting or showdowns or stuff like that - we're both happy go lucky and lenient naturally.
I am headed out the door for my counseling session, which I definitely need since all this stress has bombarded my life and reached a crescendo over the past three months. She's spent the last three weeks getting background info and filling in all the blanks with all the moving parts so she needs to give me some practical advice now. I mean, she has given me some - the first insight being, "You're right - YOU are not the one with mental issues, but you are surrounded by people with mental issues so let's work on KEEPING you sane!"
Let the work begin. I've actually had chest pains and a couple of panic attacks over the past few weeks so I need to get things under control internally.
Your mom needs to be in an ALF where they dose her meds on time, and where they insist she take them. (A resident can technically refuse them. But staff will strongly encourage residents to take them.) Your problems with your mom sound very familiar to me. I had similar problems with my mom and none of us could get her to take ownership of her need for them. She did refuse meds for awhile later when she was in an ALF. When she ended up in a hospital we told her it was because she had been taking her meds and that seemed to snap her into line.
I understand what you are going through.
Even if she finally cooperated with the pills, she would forget the next day.
You will never argue her into cooperation, or convince her of anything. She doesn't know what she doesn't know.
I think it is great that you are doing work on yourself with counseling. Good for you. I am also glad you have a support system with your counselor and your husband. You are lucky, as I know you know.
You will never argue her into cooperation, or convince her of anything. She doesn't know what she doesn't know.
I'm afraid this is true, and no amount of arguing is going to change her. I hope a room in the ALF section comes open soon.
I understand your need to try to make her better, though, and I also understand your need to not let her steamroll over you with her mean remarks, especially as she has been doing it to you your whole life.
Oh I know I can't reason with her, which is why she is going to move into the ALF side of the facility when a room opens up on the first floor. It may be a little while but it's going to happen and she's not going to like it one bit, but she's really left me with no choice.
By the way, I've thoroughly enjoyed my day so far - even though I've had to do some tasks related to the care of my mom, I haven't had to see her or talk to her today and it's been a good break.
We talked about some boundaries in the counseling session and next week we are really going to get into the health aspect of it all since I've had a few issues with anxiety over the past three months. Nothing I can't handle at the moment but stress takes a real toll on our bodies over time and my stress has been steadily building for the past two years - or even longer now that I think of it.
It's sad but I'm going to have to back way off. I've started doing that already by limiting my visits to 2 times a week of getting her OUT of the facility, and one drop by sort of visit. I'm going to pull back even more and cut out the drop by visit and limit my visits to taking her to appointments and the very occasional visit with other family.
Not sure what to do about Sundays - we go to the same church. My husband is sick and tired of her demeanor toward me, so he suggested that some Sundays we just take her straight back to the facility and tell her that she will need to eat lunch there and we're going to enjoy lunch after church just between the two of us. That will be hard to do because I know she enjoys getting out and looks forward to Sundays, and she ADORES my husband, but dang it, she's just so toxic. And he is really sick of the way she treats me. He's told her this so when he's around, she tries to put her best foot forward but even her best foot is not so great.
Ha, sounds like my MIL, she loves a good fight as well. My husband was the fighting scapegoat, but he learned when he's not really responsive/defending, the whole thing peters out and his mom just goes into a sulking phase (much easier to handle that-- still annoying though).
As for the church, didn't you say her facility could drop and pick her up? Just call the facility to let them know that they're still picking her up (despite what she may say). Don't give your mom any more opportunity to try to pick a fight by giving her a ride back.
Ha, sounds like my MIL, she loves a good fight as well. My husband was the fighting scapegoat, but he learned when he's not really responsive/defending, the whole thing peters out and his mom just goes into a sulking phase (much easier to handle that-- still annoying though).
As for the church, didn't you say her facility could drop and pick her up? Just call the facility to let them know that they're still picking her up (despite what she may say). Don't give your mom any more opportunity to try to pick a fight by giving her a ride back.
Oh I am not sure I could just leave her at church waiting for a bus. Her apartment is literally five minutes from church. But we don't have to put up with her negativity and snarkiness every Sunday AFTER church during a meal!
She just called me to report that she had been to therapy and was back home now - sounding very chipper and upbeat and friendly. As if her ugly tirade from yesterday never happened. I'm not buying it. My mother is not THAT impaired that she can't remember that, or can't control her temper or outbursts or her sarcasm. Honestly, she has more wits about her than that.
Oh I am not sure I could just leave her at church waiting for a bus. Her apartment is literally five minutes from church. But we don't have to put up with her negativity and snarkiness every Sunday AFTER church during a meal!
She just called me to report that she had been to therapy and was back home now - sounding very chipper and upbeat and friendly. As if her ugly tirade from yesterday never happened. I'm not buying it. My mother is not THAT impaired that she can't remember that, or can't control her temper or outbursts or her sarcasm. Honestly, she has more wits about her than that.
Kathryn, honestly, that may not be true. Due to the vagaries of dementia, the "ugly tirade" from yesterday may, in HER memory, be some time past. Dementia has a way of distorting all types of reality, including time, for its' sufferers. So what seems like deliberate ignoring of the situation on her part may simply be her forgetting it as part of the "past". Please remember that short-term memory is the first memory to go. My Mom could remember detailed information about childhood friends and neighbors, yet she couldn't remember what she had for breakfast the same day we visited her. I know it sounds like an old joke, but it's very true.
On another topic, what will happen to your Mom's kitten when she goes into smaller assisted living quarters? I know she loves it, but it's kind of unfair to expect a cat to live its' entire life confined to one small room, especially during the younger, more energetic days. An older cat might have been a better choice, IMO. And please, if the cat will be fed kibble, can you please ensure that it is only high quality grain free kibble? Cats are obligate carnivores and an all dry food diet is bad for them; however, if it HAS to be so at least be sure that the kibble is has meat in it and as few artificial ingredients as possible. THANKS!
Oh I am not sure I could just leave her at church waiting for a bus. Her apartment is literally five minutes from church. But we don't have to put up with her negativity and snarkiness every Sunday AFTER church during a meal!
Oh gosh, I wasn't thinking that you'd leave her waiting for the bus. Maybe be with her until the bus comes then go on your merry way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
She just called me to report that she had been to therapy and was back home now - sounding very chipper and upbeat and friendly. As if her ugly tirade from yesterday never happened. I'm not buying it. My mother is not THAT impaired that she can't remember that, or can't control her temper or outbursts or her sarcasm. Honestly, she has more wits about her than that.
You don't have to buy anything. Just know there's 2 type of people: one that feeds off positive energy and the other feeds off negative. You can imagine which one uplifts people-- it doesn't sound like your mother was ever that person. She's got her boost from her negativity recently at your expense, she probably really is feeling chipper, upbeat and friendly. It's a sad way to live.
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