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Kathryn, It could be that the people leaving anonymous notes do not realize they are anonymous. I had no idea about the notes or "reputations" until pretty recently. And most on my page are anonymous. When I've left notes, I had no idea they were anonymous until I checked my page and saw that there were no names unless the person typed theirs in.
I was on CD for a couple of years before I even knew you could leave a message with a reputation comment. Most of the Reps I get are blank. I admit to also being lazy and not always writing a message and signature, but I try to leave my initials when I do say something.
My sibling wanted my father to go into a nursing home several years before he died. I didn't think he needed it. And after the place did an assessment, they refused to take him since he didn't need it.
I sure wouldn't worry about some anonymous, distant, poster telling you your mother needed a nursing home.
It could be this but honestly, it doesn't smell like even the most rank pee. It has an almost chemical type odor to it. It's the strangest thing.
I am taking her back in though for a check up on that UTI. No, she doesn't drink enough fluids. She is destined to continue to get UTIs I'm afraid.
UTI's in seniors can be deadly. The smallest infection rapidly grow at light speed.
Please make sure she's not got one - and as others have said, urine smell of someone with a UTI is indescribable.
Well, I knew I would have to chisel it into my brain because today she tried to strong arm me into moving her back into her house and out of the senior apartment. I started to argue with her and then realized that reasoning with her is pretty pointless, so I just said, "This works best for you AND for me. We are a team but if you were to be living in your old house, it would be too much for me, and you would not be as safe." She then tried the old, "But I have to AGREE to live here!" and I said, "You already did agree to live here. You picked it out the facility, you picked out the apartment, you picked out the furniture and you moved, because you said you wanted to move." I then reminded her that I have helped her and/or my dad move into completely different homes FOUR TIMES IN THE PAST SIX YEARS. So I am done. DONE, DONE, DONE.
She said, "But I miss my house and my neighborhood and my old life." I said, "Mom, you had all that because Dad was taking care of everything. You can't drive. You can't take care of a house and yard. You don't pay the bills or do your taxes or ANYTHING and haven't for many years. Dad did all that - for you and for himself. But if you move back into your house, then I have to take care of two households. And when you don't answer your phone at 10 pm, I have to get in my car and come check on you. If you need an exterminator to come out and get rid of bees in your eaves, I have to come out there and meet with them. You need groceries - I have to get them for you. You fall - no one is coming to check on you for hours or even the next day. You would be a sitting duck for a criminal. Every burglar in town would know that an elderly woman lives alone in your house. No. It's just not do-able."
She narrowed her eyes and said, "So...just what is it exactly that you do for me?"
OMG.
I said, "I take you to the doctor. I take you to the dentist. I take you out for entertainment. I take you shopping. I pay all your bills. I handle all your taxes, your insurance, your medical stuff, your financial management. I take your cat to the vet. I take you out to eat every Sunday. I refill your prescriptions. I make sure your cat's feeder and water supply are full. I'm sure I do more but that's just off the top of my head. And guess what - BEFORE I was doing all this, I had a very full life already. I'm not going to lie, Mom - I don't mind doing what needs to be done but let's not pretend it's easy because IT IS NOT."
When I told her all this, she was silent for a bit and then she said, "I guess I just have to make the best of my situation." I said, "Mom, I don't blame you for missing your old life. I would too - in fact, I DO miss my old life, before I had all this added responsibility. I miss Dad, and I know you do too."
She said, "I do. He was a good husband. He had good character. I was lucky." I said, "He WAS a good man, and he made sure I had a very clear plan and all the tools I need to take care of you in case something happened to him. I'm only following his plan, to the letter. I know exactly what he wanted, Mom. This would be exactly what he wanted for you."
She thought a bit more and then said, "Well, there are a lot of positives about living here. I guess I just have to accept my new life. I don't like some of it but I guess I just have to accept it." I said, "I know it's hard, Mom. I don't blame you a bit for missing your old life. I think it's perfectly normal. But we have to accept the reality of today."
She calmed down and seemed to be reasonable when I left.
Lord help me.
I think your mom had a few minutes of clarity. Hold onto that, because she will be confused or unhappy again. It's the dementia.
What I figured out with my mom, was that she was missing her former self. Of course no one wants to live in a facility, but home might well mean the former, very much missed self that was active. And I had to remind my mom several times about what I was doing for her. She often maintained that she was doing just fine by herself.
Don't be surprised when this acceptance goes away. This is dementia and nothing is logical in dementia.
But I am glad you two had a moment of understanding.
And we've not even TOUCHED on 'Sundowners'... the ability of this horrible disease to grossly effect those with it after the sun goes down... They can be fine, calm, cool and collected at 5:00, but when the sun goes down, watch out for Sybil!
I know from experience that the odor thing is a very uncomfortable and touchy subject. Why...because my father always smells! He swears he can't smell himself which actually is quite common in many older people since they do tend to lose their sense of smell.
Just recently I asked him what he does to clean himself (on non shower days) and how many times he changes his depends. Come to find out he does not clean himself after changing his depends! In fact he was using deodorant down there!!!!! What I suggested to him was to use the perineal skin wash that we use on Mom. The one we use is Aloe Vesta® Perineal/Skin Cleanser and it makes it so much easier because you do not have to rinse off and has a mild pleasant smell.
So maybe you could buy some and see if she would be willing to use it. And as a last resort.......if she refuses to do anything tell her that you just cannot take her anywhere anymore until she freshens up. That is what I had to do with Dad before. Unless he showered and really cleaned I would not get in a car with him. I just couldn't stomach it anymore!
I'm getting to the point where I am going to have to be more drastic.
I know from experience that the odor thing is a very uncomfortable and touchy subject. Why...because my father always smells! He swears he can't smell himself which actually is quite common in many older people since they do tend to lose their sense of smell.
Just recently I asked him what he does to clean himself (on non shower days) and how many times he changes his depends. Come to find out he does not clean himself after changing his depends! In fact he was using deodorant down there!!!!! What I suggested to him was to use the perineal skin wash that we use on Mom. The one we use is Aloe Vesta® Perineal/Skin Cleanser and it makes it so much easier because you do not have to rinse off and has a mild pleasant smell.
So maybe you could buy some and see if she would be willing to use it. And as a last resort.......if she refuses to do anything tell her that you just cannot take her anywhere anymore until she freshens up. That is what I had to do with Dad before. Unless he showered and really cleaned I would not get in a car with him. I just couldn't stomach it anymore!
Shower days? Non shower days?
Ugh ... I cannot imagine missing my daily shower unless on a long trail, flying half way around the world, or, in some abnormal circumstance i.e. a battlefield situation or some such.
As for wiping down there ... I'm (hopefully) a ways off from the diaper phase, but even now, lacking a bidet or similar, I will use good old baby wipes to follow up after the TP (if you do this, don't flush them down the can). I expect to continue this paradigm and if unable hope the caregiver can manage it.
Ugh ... I cannot imagine missing my daily shower unless on a long trail, flying half way around the world, or, in some abnormal circumstance i.e. a battlefield situation or some such.
As for wiping down there ... I'm (hopefully) a ways off from the diaper phase, but even now, lacking a bidet or similar, I will use good old baby wipes to follow up after the TP (if you do this, don't flush them down the can). I expect to continue this paradigm and if unable hope the caregiver can manage it.
Believe me, I'm right with you.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but let's just say that my husband and I are both absolutely FASTIDIOUS. Not just with our bodies, but also our home, our clothes, our yard, our vehicles, etc. We were both raised by very neat, clean mothers (which is one reason why my mother's lack of hygiene now is so alarming and distressing). Modern technology is great -it's just not that difficult to be a clean, neat person.
After much grief and soul searching and prayer, I had what I consider to be a revelation. I felt it was more along the "relationships" line of thought, even though I am also able to apply it to my caregiving responsibilities for my mother, as well as the memories of my father (letting go of fantasies, actually), so I posted it in the Non Romantic Relationships section, but it could also apply just as well to past relationships in our lives that we carry grief and unresolved issues for.
Ugh ... I cannot imagine missing my daily shower unless on a long trail, flying half way around the world, or, in some abnormal circumstance i.e. a battlefield situation or some such.
As for wiping down there ... I'm (hopefully) a ways off from the diaper phase, but even now, lacking a bidet or similar, I will use good old baby wipes to follow up after the TP (if you do this, don't flush them down the can). I expect to continue this paradigm and if unable hope the caregiver can manage it.
Believe me it has been a struggle to get him to increase his bathing schedule. This man used to go for a week (who knows maybe even more before he got older)! So getting him to bathe every third day, or every other day when we are lucky, has been a tremendous accomplishment!!
Now if only we can get him to "wash up" down there after wetting his depends and doing a body wash on his off days! I have several brothers so you would think that they would have been the one's to explain "washing up" down there......but I had to explain to him what washing really good down there would entail! And making sure he CHANGES the diapers several times a day. And the deodorant thing...I guess when we told him he smelled he thought he could just put some of that on down there and the smell would be gone...
Ugh ... I cannot imagine missing my daily shower unless on a long trail, flying half way around the world, or, in some abnormal circumstance i.e. a battlefield situation or some such.
As for wiping down there ... I'm (hopefully) a ways off from the diaper phase, but even now, lacking a bidet or similar, I will use good old baby wipes to follow up after the TP (if you do this, don't flush them down the can). I expect to continue this paradigm and if unable hope the caregiver can manage it.
You and me either. I just don't get it, my mother while not old, is older and she does not shower everyday. I don't expect a long shower but at least get in the shower, wet your body down and if nothing else soap the privates, under arms and face, at least that. She however showers maybe twice a week but normally just once and she has no explanation for why she doesn't shower everyday. While she is not active she still urinates and has bm's everyday and sorry a wet wash rag at night to swipe it all off, just isn't enough. But given that I can't force her to shower I just shake my head and wonder why. The weird thing is I know she is concerned about smelling bad because the days that she doesn't shower she slathers on scented lotion, just take a shower then you don't have to smell like a walking perfume commercial because you are worried you smell bad.
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