Chat Thread: Adventures in Caregiving (parent, money, assisted, friend)
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Well, as the regulars know, my dad passed away unexpectedly in October. My mom was adamant at first that there was "no reason for her to move out of her house," and of course no one was pushing on her to do this, but it was very obvious to most folks that she absolutely cannot stay in that house alone for long. Besides the fact that she's a fall risk due to stroke damage and a broken hip earlier this year, she has early stage dementia as well as some other mental health issues and my dad was doing absolutely EVERYTHING for her.
And they were married for 57 years and my dad pampered her, spoiled her, loved her, and doted on her the entire time. She didn't even know how to put gas in her car, let alone pay a bill, even before her stroke and broken hip.
So on top of her physical issues, she is very lonely. I've gone over there every day, and my dad left things in excellent order, but even so, I'm spending about 6 hours MINIMUM each day on the estate, my mom's health care, paying bills, meeting with attorneys, doctors, etc. Sometimes it's 8 hours a day. Meanwhile she's calling me about 10 times a day (not an exaggeration) and wondering when I am going to come over or come pick her up so she's not so lonely.
Thankfully, she reached her own conclusion a few days ago that she needs and wants to move in to assisted living, so I toured some of those yesterday, narrowed it down to 2, and she and I are going to go visit those 2 today. WOW, I hope she likes one of them.
I have a mentally ill brother who is trying as hard as he can to convince her to stay where she is - of course, that's because he wants to move in with her to "help." Yeah, right - that's just what I need - TWO mentally ill people living together and him winding her up all the time. Thankfully, he makes her nervous and she has no intention of allowing him to move in with her, but one of the reasons she's so eager to move into assisted living is because she doesn't like to tell him "no" and she doesn't want him visiting and staying with her, let alone living with her.
Good times.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 10-18-2017 at 07:52 AM..
Reason: Edited thread title for clarification.
Thank God she's being cooperative about doing something else besides living in her home alone and calling you several times a day to tell you she's lonely and she "just doesn't know what she's gonna do!" and you know that's code for "you need to let me move in with you, I need to be taken care of!". (that's what my MIL does, even though my husband has repeatedly told her for nearly a decade that can't happen)
Hope she likes one of the choices so you can get moving quickly on it before brother can get a foothold of some kind.
Kathryn, we went through that with my dad after my mother died. Their bedroom was upstairs and with him having neuropathy in his legs (hasn't had any feeling in his legs in several years), my brother and I didn't want him to be going up and down those stairs every day. There is an assisted living facility in town. A couple friends of my parents had stayed there and my folks had visited them there. We didn't want to make it sound like we were trying to talk him into moving there so we had the friends just talk about what they've been doing out there, who their friends were, etc. Just kind of drop hints and let him talk himself into going. About a month after Mama died, he told us he thought Morningside sounded pretty good. After a couple weeks out there, to hear him talk, the two of them should have moved out there a long time ago. And he got to keep his pick up so he could come and go when he wanted. The three hot meals a day sealed it for him. And you didn't try to visit him on Wednesday or Friday afternoons. That's Bingo time and he wouldn't have time to visit. lol Plus he still had the same phone number they have had for 40 or 50 years.
Hope your mother enjoys having others to talk to and do things with. And that you'll have a little time to yourself.
KA, fingers crossed that she likes one of the places! I agree it's a bad idea for Brother to move in.
(I think my BIL has visions of moving in with his mother/my MIL but I know she doesn't want that.)
I think your mom will be the Belle of the Ball at assisted living. I am so glad for you, hearing this news. Hopefully, all will go smoothly! Got my fingers crossed for you, KA!
Fabulous news - my mother chose one of the independent living facilities (the one with the top rating in this area - and of course the most expensive, but hey, it's her money), and she plonked down the security deposit and is on the waiting list for the apartment she wants!!!!! Projected move in date will be December 1!!!!!!
Wow, that was easy - and I didn't even have to sell her on it. She made up her own mind. Go, Mom!!!!!
Fabulous news - my mother chose one of the independent living facilities (the one with the top rating in this area - and of course the most expensive, but hey, it's her money), and she plonked down the security deposit and is on the waiting list for the apartment she wants!!!!! Projected move in date will be December 1!!!!!!
Wow, that was easy - and I didn't even have to sell her on it. She made up her own mind. Go, Mom!!!!!
Well, ever since the day my dad went into the hospital (October 21) every day has been dominated by the needs of my parents - which is understandable. I have spent at least 8 hours a day since the funeral working on getting my dad's estate in order and helping my mom. Today is no different - I meet with the estate attorney this morning, and with her psychiatric team this afternoon. I've been up scanning docs and that sort of thing since 6 this morning.
Tomorrow I will be helping her pack. And that afternoon, I have to work in a damn MEDIATION PHONE CALL with my mentally ill brother because he's freaking out over everything and thinks I'm trying to screw him over. I don't know how many times he has to be told that my dad left everything to my mother, who is very much alive. Yes, I am helping her get things settled, but I am not abusing my position. On the contrary, I'm working my butt off trying to get her finances lined out so that she has a steady income that will pay for her care and expenses for the rest of her life without running through her money like a hot knife through butter. This work benefits everyone - first and foremost my mother but also her heirs. Of course, my brother can't see that and instead is freaking out thinking I'm ruining his life.
So he continues to be all drag and no lift and to add to the drama of my life.
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