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I ended up taking some time off from CD, seemed like my posts were becoming redundant and didn't feel like it was productive.
Things are pretty much just rolling along like usual with my mother. She is still not using all the tools the doctors have provided her with to slow the progression of her conditions but at this point in time, I have pretty much just thrown in the towel, she is going to do what she wants no matter the consequences.
She fell out of her bed one evening in November, she doesn't know what caused it, she had her door locked and ended up having to scoot over to the door on her butt to unlock it so I could get in, for some reason I couldn't the door unlocked from the outside with the little key we have. She was shaken up and had some bruises but that did stop her locking her door at night. I also discovered that if falling becomes a normal thing for her, I am going to be forced to look into a nursing home, I was seconds from calling EMS because I was having such a hard time getting her up. She has no upper body strength and because of her weight and her knees it is hard to use her legs to get her up.
I have made the decision that for at least the next several months, I will be dropping her off at her doctors appointments and not going in with her, she refuses to do what they tell her, not because she can't remember but because she says "I don't want to". I sit there and listen to all this wonderful advice and help being given to her by not one but 3 doctors and she just doesn't follow their advice. I will be discussing her care with the doctors afterwards. I don't know if this is the right thing to do but it is what I feel like I have to do right now. There are several things that she is supposed to do on a daily basis to keep on eye on her diabetes and CHF and she won't consistently do them, no matter if I remind her or not. It is hard dealing with someone who just doesn't want to as opposed to can't remember to.
I have also decided that no matter how upset she gets, being honest with her is going to be what happens this year and if honesty upsets her, then I guess she will just have to figure it out. I think the babying my father and brother did in order to keep her from being upset, did more harm than good and had their expectations been higher, she might not be where she is today.
On the upside we found out we are going to be grandparents again, our daughter and her husband are expecting our 4th grandchild and second granddaughter. I think my mother might have to go to Texas in May while I go out west to see the new grandbaby.
I hope everyone has a Happy New Year
Last edited by ajzjmsmom; 12-31-2016 at 08:16 AM..
First of all, congrats on the new grandbaby!!! What a joy. Yes, go see that baby!
I agree with you about your ideas regarding your mom. It is very distressing to watch someone self destruct. Though their personalities are different, our moms are similar in the sense that their husbands spoiled them and shielded them from the ramifications of their own actions. Now they're elderly and they don't have that enabling person in their lives and they're having to adjust to life without an enabler, at an advanced age. It's tough to make that transition at any age but sick and elderly - that makes it even harder.
But that doesn't mean we continue to enable them. IT'S REALLY TOUGH.
And sometimes I think that my mom (and your mom probably) pushes that envelope because like a recalcitrant teenager, they think "If I give her enough hell, she'll just give up and let me have my way."
We have to find that balance. Gosh, it's so hard.
I think you may be on the right track with your mom regarding not going to the doctor visits with her (my mom's doctor responds very quickly to emails and that's good enough for me most of the time). My mom is supposed to go to group therapy for her bipolar disorder three times a week. She goes on and on about how she's "too busy" to do that - busy doing WHAT? NOTHING, that's what. I wish she WAS too busy to go, but that's not the case. Now that my dad is not forcing her to go, she's been throwing her new weight around. "It's MY decision to go or not to go." Well, at first when she started that, I figured with a recent death and all this stress, she needed to go more than ever, and I tried cajoling her, putting her on guilt trips ("Dad would want you to go"), arguing with her. Then I thought to myself, "So what if she doesn't go. She'll get worse faster. My gosh, she's 77 years old and in fragile health. What am I fighting for - adding years to both our misery? If she's going to get any better, it's going to have to be without me fighting for it. I have to take care of myself first in this relationship." That's an alien way of thinking for a mother, as I think you understand. We want to fix things, to make things better, and we're happiest when our loved ones are happy and thriving.
So it's so difficult to be around someone who isn't doing what we KNOW would be best for them. For instance, my MIL - if she'd done the physical therapy - if she'd gotten out and walked - heck, even just to the mailbox and back every day - if she'd done the PT she would not have been so incredibly miserable the last year of her life. But she absolutely refused and it was to her own detriment.
Anyway, I decided to quit arguing with my mom about group therapy. Get this - come to find out, half her satisfaction was about arguing (and "winning") with me. The day I started just saying, "Oh, OK - your choice" whenever she said, "I don't think I'm going to go," is the day she started attending regularly again.
Amazing. Wow, so oppositional. I think your mom is the same way.
I was having some trouble with my youngest daughter, as you may recall. I went and talked with our pastor about it and he gave me some great advice. He said, "Something has to change. In your relationship, you are the pursuer and she runs from you - but she expects you to pursue her. Stop pursuing. Just stop. It will be difficult and it may be months before she stops running and realizes you're not running after her. But change the dynamics."
I got to thinking about how that works with so many different troubled relationships. Someone has to change the dynamics. I think you're on the right track.
Happy New Year! I hope things get easier for you and your family.
First of all, congrats on the new grandbaby!!! What a joy. Yes, go see that baby!
I agree with you about your ideas regarding your mom. It is very distressing to watch someone self destruct. Though their personalities are different, our moms are similar in the sense that their husbands spoiled them and shielded them from the ramifications of their own actions. Now they're elderly and they don't have that enabling person in their lives and they're having to adjust to life without an enabler, at an advanced age. It's tough to make that transition at any age but sick and elderly - that makes it even harder.
But that doesn't mean we continue to enable them. IT'S REALLY TOUGH.
And sometimes I think that my mom (and your mom probably) pushes that envelope because like a recalcitrant teenager, they think "If I give her enough hell, she'll just give up and let me have my way."
We have to find that balance. Gosh, it's so hard.
I think you may be on the right track with your mom regarding not going to the doctor visits with her (my mom's doctor responds very quickly to emails and that's good enough for me most of the time). My mom is supposed to go to group therapy for her bipolar disorder three times a week. She goes on and on about how she's "too busy" to do that - busy doing WHAT? NOTHING, that's what. I wish she WAS too busy to go, but that's not the case. Now that my dad is not forcing her to go, she's been throwing her new weight around. "It's MY decision to go or not to go." Well, at first when she started that, I figured with a recent death and all this stress, she needed to go more than ever, and I tried cajoling her, putting her on guilt trips ("Dad would want you to go"), arguing with her. Then I thought to myself, "So what if she doesn't go. She'll get worse faster. My gosh, she's 77 years old and in fragile health. What am I fighting for - adding years to both our misery? If she's going to get any better, it's going to have to be without me fighting for it. I have to take care of myself first in this relationship." That's an alien way of thinking for a mother, as I think you understand. We want to fix things, to make things better, and we're happiest when our loved ones are happy and thriving.
So it's so difficult to be around someone who isn't doing what we KNOW would be best for them. For instance, my MIL - if she'd done the physical therapy - if she'd gotten out and walked - heck, even just to the mailbox and back every day - if she'd done the PT she would not have been so incredibly miserable the last year of her life. But she absolutely refused and it was to her own detriment.
Anyway, I decided to quit arguing with my mom about group therapy. Get this - come to find out, half her satisfaction was about arguing (and "winning") with me. The day I started just saying, "Oh, OK - your choice" whenever she said, "I don't think I'm going to go," is the day she started attending regularly again.
Amazing. Wow, so oppositional. I think your mom is the same way.
I was having some trouble with my youngest daughter, as you may recall. I went and talked with our pastor about it and he gave me some great advice. He said, "Something has to change. In your relationship, you are the pursuer and she runs from you - but she expects you to pursue her. Stop pursuing. Just stop. It will be difficult and it may be months before she stops running and realizes you're not running after her. But change the dynamics."
I got to thinking about how that works with so many different troubled relationships. Someone has to change the dynamics. I think you're on the right track.
Happy New Year! I hope things get easier for you and your family.
You have hit the nail on the head in so many aspects, in my goal for my family members to be happy and healthy, I have somehow convinced myself that it has been my responsibility to fix everything, so they are happy and healthy. It is finally beginning to sink in that the only person whose actions I am responsible for are mine and I cannot force anyone else to fall into what I think is best for them.
My mother is unhappy but has been unhappy for a long time and I thought bringing her to live with me was the best thing for her, in hindsight, it wasn't. It doesn't matter where she lives or who she lives with, she is determined to undermine anything that would improve her health and to be unhappy, of course that unhappiness is my determination and she might be as happy as a bug in a rug. I tend to want to fix things and people, so I am more than willing to admit, this could all just be me.
Last edited by ajzjmsmom; 12-31-2016 at 10:41 AM..
Happy New Year to all the caregivers of the world, may you be so ever blessed in the year to come.
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