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A friend of mine moved in with her frail dad vs placement in a care facility. A few times she came home from work to find him (6 foot man) laying on the floor because he FELL trying to walk. I call this elder abuse! After he hit his head on the counter going down...laying in a pool of blood..she figured it out. I could barely stand hearing about his situation.....she was surprised that he was actually HAPPY once he was safe and secure in a nursing home. He made friends with his peers whom he met in the dining room. ( he was very much ok mentally). He lived out the reminder of his life cared for. Safely.
Yes, my kids have good jobs and they've had cleaning help twice a month since they were 25. I began doing that when I was in my 40's.
Last night we had a big snow storm and the handyman we hire had our rather long driveway completely cleared so we could get out this morning. We also hire plumbers and electricians when we need them. Not long ago we had people power wash our big porch. Other folks widened our driveway. We have 4 vehicles and a tractor and we drive all of them. We also have a bazillion interests and activities a large garden, and two large dogs. We're hoping that self-driving cars will be available by the time we can no longer drive. If not, the Uber guy in the neighborhood will be very busy! I do cook and bake but rarely clean since I have people to do that. I guess this makes me less than independent. My kids and friends will be shocked to learn that!
Oh good grief, this is NOT what the OP is discussing or the type of behavior that people are frustrated with.
You ARE taking care of yourselves, or paying someone else who is a professional (and therefore paying adequately for these services) to do the things you can't or don't want to do on your own. All of us do that in some way or the other - for instance, not many of us cut our own hair or change our own oil in our vehicles, or rotate our own tires.
Most of us who are frustrated with the elderly in our lives because they are not truly "independent" is because they expect us to spend hours and hours and hours every week doing the most basic things for them (usually for free, because it's our "obligation") in order for them to continue thinking that they are "living independently."
My mother lives in "independent living." She is not able to actually live independently. However, she pays a huge amount of money every month in order to live in "independent" living. That's fine, if she wants to think she's living "independently" but she's paying for it - except it doesn't end there. She can't drive - and she expects me to come into town and pick her up for every appointment - because it's my obligation. Sick, elderly people have a LOT of doctor appointments. She expects me to pay all her bills, coordinate all the probate work for my dad's estate, handle all the banking and financial stuff, keep up with everyone's birthdays (and buy and send them presents), handle her taxes, sell her real estate, do her shopping (preferably with her of course - picking her up, helping her in and out of the car and stores, etc), and basically entertain her several times a week.
And to some extent, that's fine too (minus the entitled attitude and her incessant sarcastic remarks, both of which are constants), but it doesn't end there. She wants to move back into her former home - and I finally had to just tell her no about that, which resulted in a lot of anger toward me (and even more negativity and barbed remarks on a daily basis). The main reason she can't "truly" live "independently" is because she has not a lick of sense - due to a combination of mental illness, stroke damage, and dementia. She also has serious mobility issues which are only getting worse. She's a fall risk and she won't wear her alert necklace because she thinks it's "tracking her" and someone is monitoring her every move and she doesn't want Big Brother controlling her. She thinks it's like a shock collar and it won't "allow her" to step a single foot outside of her property line.
Simply put - it is not fair and not right for elderly parents to expect their adult kids (who are often in their fifties or sixties themselves) to upend their own lives (for years and years) and spend their vacations, their weekends, and often hours every day doing tasks for them, just so they can stay in their own home, which is often very inconveniently located. It is not fair and not right for elderly parents to expect their adult kids, who usually have spouses, kids, grandkids, and often careers that are still necessary (for their OWN retirement needs), to put THEM and their increasing needs first on a daily basis for years. But that's what often ends up happening. And then the other relationships and priorities in the adult child's life are often put on a back burner, and this knocks the adult child's life out of balance, for years and sometimes decades.
Oh good grief, this is NOT what the OP is discussing or the type of behavior that people are frustrated with.
You ARE taking care of yourselves, or paying someone else who is a professional (and therefore paying adequately for these services) to do the things you can't or don't want to do on your own. All of us do that in some way or the other - for instance, not many of us cut our own hair or change our own oil in our vehicles, or rotate our own tires.
Most of us who are frustrated with the elderly in our lives because they are not truly "independent" is because they expect us to spend hours and hours and hours every week doing the most basic things for them (usually for free, because it's our "obligation") in order for them to continue thinking that they are "living independently."
My mother lives in "independent living." She is not able to actually live independently. However, she pays a huge amount of money every month in order to live in "independent" living. That's fine, if she wants to think she's living "independently" but she's paying for it - except it doesn't end there. She can't drive - and she expects me to come into town and pick her up for every appointment - because it's my obligation. Sick, elderly people have a LOT of doctor appointments. She expects me to pay all her bills, coordinate all the probate work for my dad's estate, handle all the banking and financial stuff, keep up with everyone's birthdays (and buy and send them presents), handle her taxes, sell her real estate, do her shopping (preferably with her of course - picking her up, helping her in and out of the car and stores, etc), and basically entertain her several times a week.
And to some extent, that's fine too (minus the entitled attitude and her incessant sarcastic remarks, both of which are constants), but it doesn't end there. She wants to move back into her former home - and I finally had to just tell her no about that, which resulted in a lot of anger toward me (and even more negativity and barbed remarks on a daily basis). The main reason she can't "truly" live "independently" is because she has not a lick of sense - due to a combination of mental illness, stroke damage, and dementia. She also has serious mobility issues which are only getting worse. She's a fall risk and she won't wear her alert necklace because she thinks it's "tracking her" and someone is monitoring her every move and she doesn't want Big Brother controlling her. She thinks it's like a shock collar and it won't "allow her" to step a single foot outside of her property line.
Simply put - it is not fair and not right for elderly parents to expect their adult kids (who are often in their fifties or sixties themselves) to upend their own lives (for years and years) and spend their vacations, their weekends, and often hours every day doing tasks for them, just so they can stay in their own home, which is often very inconveniently located. It is not fair and not right for elderly parents to expect their adult kids, who usually have spouses, kids, grandkids, and often careers that are still necessary (for their OWN retirement needs), to put THEM and their increasing needs first on a daily basis for years. But that's what often ends up happening. And then the other relationships and priorities in the adult child's life are often put on a back burner, and this knocks the adult child's life out of balance, for years and sometimes decades.
You're right in the situation you, and others, have presented - it's totally *not fair*.
But this thread was started with a statement that seemed to imply that all elder adults living "independently" were in fact *not* living independently. A grand over generalization. Many of us refuted that - on my part because I think that the changes in health care (prior to this current upheaval) to allow for more tools/benefits aimed at allowing someone to stay in their home *if they want to* have been wonderful.
Because while some folks thrive in institutional settings, in many cases it is simply warehousing - and we no longer accept it for younger/disabled folks (institutional asylums for Downs/Severe Birth defects were generally phased out through the 80s); and I don't think it's always the right answer for the disabled elderly either.
Of course in some situations, institutionalization is the best option. But I don't want to go back to a world where it's the *only* option. So folks making generalizations about "Living independently is a lie" makes me concerned about where the future of such policy discussions will go.
As for "fairess". Life isn't. The child that gets cancer, the young parent that is struck down by a rogue driver, and yes - the elder adult who suffers a sudden health emergency that they're unprepared for.
It can be unfortunate and can mean for a caregiver changing the course of their life, or at least several years to decades of it.
But, aside from filial responsibility laws (and usually those are more about financial than emotional/physical support) - caregiving is a choice. So you can choose your stopping point. So, personally I'd recommend for anyone on this forum, if you get to the point that you resent the person your caring for more than you love them - you should probably stop.
Also, if folks want to vent (as opposed to discuss different view points, or ask genuine questions) - perhaps the post should be identified as such. Or perhaps have a subforum literally entitled "VENTS"?
In the beginning (and I've been on this forum longer than a lot of the current batch of frequent posters) - it was very much an exchange of ideas, education, providing information and other viewpoints which might allow the Original Poster to solve some problem they were having. (Whether it be a physical / financial or emotional problem). It was less of a "support" network. Clearly the current batch of frequent posters find value in the "support" function, but I think there is value in still preserving the more discussion/informational tone - because I think it provides some good information/thoughts for folks who are new to caregiving and can see that all the questions they have/thoughts/doubts they have are things that other folks have dealt with and here are some solutions they've found. So perhaps we should examine evolving the forum to have specific areas so that folks intentions will be clear in which area they're posting..?
You're right in the situation you, and others, have presented - it's totally *not fair*.
But this thread was started with a statement that seemed to imply that all elder adults living "independently" were in fact *not* living independently. A grand over generalization. Many of us refuted that - on my part because I think that the changes in health care (prior to this current upheaval) to allow for more tools/benefits aimed at allowing someone to stay in their home *if they want to* have been wonderful.
You're right, and I recognize the mistake that it really should say "When living independently is not" meaning that in certain situations ....etc etc.
And I agree there have been great strides in medical technology. In fact I didn't know that a person could have vitals sent in electronically to a nurse, and be reminded to take meds, etc. That's great! I will probably have to use that myself.
That's not really what I am referring to. But I've already explained what I meant by the thread, and I don't seem to be communicating very well. Kathyrn and Germaine and others have done a good job of explaining the gist of what I meant.
I have been trying to get the title changed from a moderator but can't seem to find one. There's not one assigned to this forum. Hopefully it will be changed soon. The title really seems to touch a nerve with a lot of people.
I'm not running for office so whatever I say about living indepdently shouldn't cause that much angst. I'm sorry it did!
Also, if folks want to vent (as opposed to discuss different view points, or ask genuine questions) - perhaps the post should be identified as such. Or perhaps have a subforum literally entitled "VENTS"?
Yeah, maybe make an emoticon that means "Vent". Something with smoke coming out the ears or the top of the head blowing off....LOL
But seriously....any post here is liable to contain a vent or a rant or simply completely be one, because of the inherent frustration and weariness of caregiving for the elderly, no matter how sweet they may be or how much they are loved.
Oh good grief, this is NOT what the OP is discussing or the type of behavior that people are frustrated with.
You ARE taking care of yourselves, or paying someone else who is a professional (and therefore paying adequately for these services) to do the things you can't or don't want to do on your own. All of us do that in some way or the other - for instance, not many of us cut our own hair or change our own oil in our vehicles, or rotate our own tires.
Most of us who are frustrated with the elderly in our lives because they are not truly "independent" is because they expect us to spend hours and hours and hours every week doing the most basic things for them (usually for free, because it's our "obligation") in order for them to continue thinking that they are "living independently."
My mother lives in "independent living." She is not able to actually live independently. However, she pays a huge amount of money every month in order to live in "independent" living. That's fine, if she wants to think she's living "independently" but she's paying for it - except it doesn't end there. She can't drive - and she expects me to come into town and pick her up for every appointment - because it's my obligation. Sick, elderly people have a LOT of doctor appointments. She expects me to pay all her bills, coordinate all the probate work for my dad's estate, handle all the banking and financial stuff, keep up with everyone's birthdays (and buy and send them presents), handle her taxes, sell her real estate, do her shopping (preferably with her of course - picking her up, helping her in and out of the car and stores, etc), and basically entertain her several times a week.
And to some extent, that's fine too (minus the entitled attitude and her incessant sarcastic remarks, both of which are constants), but it doesn't end there. She wants to move back into her former home - and I finally had to just tell her no about that, which resulted in a lot of anger toward me (and even more negativity and barbed remarks on a daily basis). The main reason she can't "truly" live "independently" is because she has not a lick of sense - due to a combination of mental illness, stroke damage, and dementia. She also has serious mobility issues which are only getting worse. She's a fall risk and she won't wear her alert necklace because she thinks it's "tracking her" and someone is monitoring her every move and she doesn't want Big Brother controlling her. She thinks it's like a shock collar and it won't "allow her" to step a single foot outside of her property line.
Simply put - it is not fair and not right for elderly parents to expect their adult kids (who are often in their fifties or sixties themselves) to upend their own lives (for years and years) and spend their vacations, their weekends, and often hours every day doing tasks for them, just so they can stay in their own home, which is often very inconveniently located. It is not fair and not right for elderly parents to expect their adult kids, who usually have spouses, kids, grandkids, and often careers that are still necessary (for their OWN retirement needs), to put THEM and their increasing needs first on a daily basis for years. But that's what often ends up happening. And then the other relationships and priorities in the adult child's life are often put on a back burner, and this knocks the adult child's life out of balance, for years and sometimes decades.
BRAVO to the above! I get what she's saying, completely. Kudos to the folks who continue to live in their own homes and can afford to hire out any and everything they want done, from the most minute of chores to the heaviest loads. Hooray for them. THAT to me, is independent living. Period.
If the above defined elderly would allow for a grown offspring to come do some things out of shear respect and love/concern/caring, .. fine too.
The problem, as defined so eloquently above ... is when it gets to the point that daily living becomes the chore of offspring, and in some cases (ours) where there are two few to spread the burdens, and the elderly in question doesn't have the financial resources, and/or won't spend it .. for the daily chores of living.
I get it. I guess you have to live it, to fully understand.
I always thought this and felt like I was in the minority because most people would tell me I am wrong because of this idea of living/being independent thing you described. They think the elderly are actually living independently.
Welp, I guess they think they do live independently because they are in their own home instead of a nursing home or assisted living.
I told my parents this - and I meant it then and I mean it now:
Yes, you took care of me when I was growing up - and a lot of that time I was cute, and cuddly, and very obedient, and learning new things every day, and excelling in different functions, and as I got older I was helping with chores, I got a part time job, etc. Yes, I was your responsibility for 18 years and you did pretty well at providing for my material needs (I don't usually burden them with reminders that my mother was seriously mentally ill for my entire childhood -and beyond - and that she was abusive to my brothers and me and that my dad enabled her abusive behavior).
Yes, you changed my diapers - when I weighed under 25 pounds.
Yes, you spoon fed me - for a few months.
Yes, you waited up late for me when I was a teen. But no, you never had to bail me out of jail. You never had to deal with me losing large amounts of money. In fact, I never wrecked the car or got a ticket when you were raising me.
But yes, my parents raised me. So I "get" the whole "they raised you, now it's your turn" thing to some extent.
My parents chose to have children. They signed up voluntarily for the job.
But when my parents were raising me, they also chose and mandated where I lived. I shared a room with my brother because THEY chose that living arrangement for us. They chose what I wore, what I ate, where I went, who I went with, etc. They were in complete control of me for most of that 18 years and even when I was an older teen, they had a lot of authority over me.
They spanked me on occasion. They grounded me on occasion. And occasionally, my mother would throw plates or books at my head, beat my brother with a yardstick till he bled, or make us haul rocks in five gallon buckets back and forth across the yard.
You can see where I'm going with this - the two scenarios are not the same AT ALL. So no, I don't buy into the whole, "They changed your diapers - now it's time for you to change theirs." When they were changing my diapers, I was under 25 pounds and the end was in sight (no pun intended). I wasn't 125 pounds - or 225 pounds. And I wasn't expecting a 55 year old woman to lift me in and out of a shower chair sopping wet either.
I told my parents "When you were raising me, I had to live where you mandated - because of Dad's job for one thing. So if you need help from me, the first thing you need to understand is that my husband and I are still working, so we expect you to move wherever WE are, not the other way around."
I mean, look - I totally get filial responsibility and I am up for it - but it's TEAMWORK and a family needs to determine what works best for ALL PARTIES, not just the elderly parents. The needs of elderly loved ones cannot be allowed to grow to dominate a couple's free time for months and years on end - not if there are other options that people can afford. Yes, emergencies happen and I'm not talking about having to stop, drop and handle those. What I'm talking about is a daily grind - that can go on for years and years and years - in which the increasing needs (both physical and emotional) of elderly parents take over the lives of their adult children, in part because the elderly parents insist on staying in their own home, and they think their kids "owe them."
It's been my experience, and maybe it's not the norm, who knows - but in my experience, without exception, every single sick, elderly parent in our mix has become very ornery, petulant, demanding, and markedly unappreciative the older and sicker they got, and in some ways I get it - it's no fun to get old and sick. But it's also not our fault that they're old and sick. And one day WE will probably be old and sick.
I'm sorry, but I didn't see either of my parents putting forth the effort that my husband and I have been putting forth now for four years (with no end in sight) for their parents. We did see them react to emergencies toward the end of their parents' lives (in the case of two of the eight grandparents), but those times of really pitching in and helping were short lived. This ongoing caregiving business did not drag out for YEARS. Listen - my husband is older than me. He already has high blood pressure and a few other conditions that are inevitably going to get worse. I am only 55. I've been very involved in ongoing caregiving now for various elderly parents and inlaws for the past four years. Currently we only have one parent left - my mother - but she is high maintenance and very emotionally draining - and pretty darn healthy other than stroke related dementia and mental illness - she could be alive for YEARS and YEARS more (she's already battling incontinence and dementia so I can see a whole lot of fun for both of us as the months and years go by). About the time her suffering reaches it's inevitable end, I expect my husband's health issues to flare up (if not before).
Honestly - I could be facing ten or more years of caregiving and being around sickness, death, etc. and then I'll be there myself.
Maybe I'll do like my one grandmother - get leukemia and die within 4 weeks at age 70 or so - she really surprised everyone with that and I'm not saying I want to die at age 70 but I will say this - it was a painless death and shortly after she passed away, my grandfather became so severely afflicted with dementia that we had to actually sign to have him occasionally restrained because he was so violent. So maybe her passing so quickly and peacefully was really a blessing.
Anyway - I don't just have my elderly parents and inlaws in my life. I also have five adult kids, and eight grandkids - AND A HUSBAND WHO I ADORE. I want some carefree, happy time with them. I do not want my life dominated by elder care. No, I don't think that's fair and I don't think it's entirely right either. Not when there are other options. SOME elder care - yes, definitely. A life dominated by elder care? No.
Just to refresh peoples' memories - here's the OP, titled: "SOMETIMES living independently at home really isn't"
Quote:
In the middle of the night the other night I had a realization. All this talk of elderly people living "in their own homes independently" is really a misnomer.
My MIL has been staying with us for a few months for medical treatment in our city. If all continues to go well with treatment she will be returning to her home in another state this summer.
She always talks about she is so happy that she can live "in her own home independently." However, I've come to realize this is really BS because she is NOT "independent." The ONLY way it is possible for her to live "independently at home" is because her other son lives close by and she depends on him quite a lot.
If my BIL didn't live near her she would not be able to return to her actual home.
I think elderly people aren't aware of how dependent they really are. I think this idea of being independent in a home they still own and are responsible for is a fantasy because it doesn't really work that way.
It's like a kid who makes great grades but only because their parent does part of the work for them.
OK, to me - and maybe it's just my perspective - this is pretty clearly discussing the type of scenario that several of us have been expanding on - NOT elderly people who truly ARE living independently or nearly so. I don't think the OP, and certainly me, has been trying to insinuate that elderly people who are living at home with a bit of assistance, or even a LOT of assistance that they are paying for themselves - are not pulling their own weight so to speak and being self sufficient in some manner.
To me, there's a significant difference between "living independently" and "living self sufficiently." If elderly people have the means to continue to live in their own home, and this situation isn't forcing their loved ones to spend hours each day for months or years on end trying to do all they possibly can to allow their elderly loved ones to keep from moving into an environment that works best for ALL parties involved, then I think that's great. (Sorry, I know that was a convoluted and long sentence!)
I don't mow my own yard. I pay someone to mow my yard. I could do it now if I had to but one day I won't be able to. What if I couldn't pay someone else to mow my yard? My closest adult child lives an hour away. Should I just expect her to mow my yard once a week, or pay someone to do it? Where does that stop? What about when I can no longer clean my own house, or hire someone to do it? Should she pay someone or do it herself? What about cooking? What about when I can't drive and can't or won't pay someone else to do it for me? Should she drive over twice a week to carry me to appointments, the grocery store, etc? Should she take my dog to the vet for me? What if I don't want to wear an alert and I don't answer my phone for hours at night? Should she drive an hour over here to check on me?
Should she talk her husband into trying to move here? Uproot their family, their kids, etc? Change schools, churches, jobs, etc so that I can continue to live in my house and think of myself as independent?
I told my parents this - and I meant it then and I mean it now:
Yes, you took care of me when I was growing up - and a lot of that time I was cute, and cuddly, and very obedient, and learning new things every day, and excelling in different functions, and as I got older I was helping with chores, I got a part time job, etc. Yes, I was your responsibility for 18 years and you did pretty well at providing for my material needs (I don't usually burden them with reminders that my mother was seriously mentally ill for my entire childhood -and beyond - and that she was abusive to my brothers and me and that my dad enabled her abusive behavior).
Yes, you changed my diapers - when I weighed under 25 pounds.
Yes, you spoon fed me - for a few months.
Yes, you waited up late for me when I was a teen. But no, you never had to bail me out of jail. You never had to deal with me losing large amounts of money. In fact, I never wrecked the car or got a ticket when you were raising me.
But yes, my parents raised me. So I "get" the whole "they raised you, now it's your turn" thing to some extent.
My parents chose to have children. They signed up voluntarily for the job.
But when my parents were raising me, they also chose and mandated where I lived. I shared a room with my brother because THEY chose that living arrangement for us. They chose what I wore, what I ate, where I went, who I went with, etc. They were in complete control of me for most of that 18 years and even when I was an older teen, they had a lot of authority over me.
They spanked me on occasion. They grounded me on occasion. And occasionally, my mother would throw plates or books at my head, beat my brother with a yardstick till he bled, or make us haul rocks in five gallon buckets back and forth across the yard.
You can see where I'm going with this - the two scenarios are not the same AT ALL. So no, I don't buy into the whole, "They changed your diapers - now it's time for you to change theirs." When they were changing my diapers, I was under 25 pounds and the end was in sight (no pun intended). I wasn't 125 pounds - or 225 pounds. And I wasn't expecting a 55 year old woman to lift me in and out of a shower chair sopping wet either.
I told my parents "When you were raising me, I had to live where you mandated - because of Dad's job for one thing. So if you need help from me, the first thing you need to understand is that my husband and I are still working, so we expect you to move wherever WE are, not the other way around."
I mean, look - I totally get filial responsibility and I am up for it - but it's TEAMWORK and a family needs to determine what works best for ALL PARTIES, not just the elderly parents. The needs of elderly loved ones cannot be allowed to grow to dominate a couple's free time for months and years on end - not if there are other options that people can afford. Yes, emergencies happen and I'm not talking about having to stop, drop and handle those. What I'm talking about is a daily grind - that can go on for years and years and years - in which the increasing needs (both physical and emotional) of elderly parents take over the lives of their adult children, in part because the elderly parents insist on staying in their own home, and they think their kids "owe them."
It's been my experience, and maybe it's not the norm, who knows - but in my experience, without exception, every single sick, elderly parent in our mix has become very ornery, petulant, demanding, and markedly unappreciative the older and sicker they got, and in some ways I get it - it's no fun to get old and sick. But it's also not our fault that they're old and sick. And one day WE will probably be old and sick.
I'm sorry, but I didn't see either of my parents putting forth the effort that my husband and I have been putting forth now for four years (with no end in sight) for their parents. We did see them react to emergencies toward the end of their parents' lives (in the case of two of the eight grandparents), but those times of really pitching in and helping were short lived. This ongoing caregiving business did not drag out for YEARS. Listen - my husband is older than me. He already has high blood pressure and a few other conditions that are inevitably going to get worse. I am only 55. I've been very involved in ongoing caregiving now for various elderly parents and inlaws for the past four years. Currently we only have one parent left - my mother - but she is high maintenance and very emotionally draining - and pretty darn healthy other than stroke related dementia and mental illness - she could be alive for YEARS and YEARS more (she's already battling incontinence and dementia so I can see a whole lot of fun for both of us as the months and years go by). About the time her suffering reaches it's inevitable end, I expect my husband's health issues to flare up (if not before).
Honestly - I could be facing ten or more years of caregiving and being around sickness, death, etc. and then I'll be there myself.
Maybe I'll do like my one grandmother - get leukemia and die within 4 weeks at age 70 or so - she really surprised everyone with that and I'm not saying I want to die at age 70 but I will say this - it was a painless death and shortly after she passed away, my grandfather became so severely afflicted with dementia that we had to actually sign to have him occasionally restrained because he was so violent. So maybe her passing so quickly and peacefully was really a blessing.
Anyway - I don't just have my elderly parents and inlaws in my life. I also have five adult kids, and eight grandkids - AND A HUSBAND WHO I ADORE. I want some carefree, happy time with them. I do not want my life dominated by elder care. No, I don't think that's fair and I don't think it's entirely right either. Not when there are other options. SOME elder care - yes, definitely. A life dominated by elder care? No.
With the combination of increased longevity, people having fewer children, and having them later, which has been so apparent since the end of WW2, often times, the "children" taking care of "parents" are either seniors themselves or nearly so.
I have these faint memories of my own parents interacting with my grand parents. My own parents were the same age the older Millennials are now. One set of grandparents were in the early 60s into mid 70s age range during that time. The other set were in the late 40s to mid 60s age range (they had a 7 year age difference) during that time. The youngest grandparent died in their mid 50s, the oldest in their mid 70s. Not a one ever reached the true "Geriatric Stage" and required long term special care. The only one that spent any time in a skilled nursing facility did so during a couple months at end of life (cancer). My parents were young and strong. The worst it ever got was like 1/10th of the stress and burden being experienced by many of today's care givers. It is a crisis because it is new territory for everyone involved. Our societal expectations, laws, and institutions are still in a 50-years-ago-mode and cannot keep up with the reality on the ground.
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