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I guess because this is the caregiving forum we see just one perspective is discussed.
I am very grateful my mother picked out a continuing care retirement village where she lived independently in her own house for 14 yrs. Home health was available but she rarely used it. When the time came she was ready and willing to move to the assisted living facility. She was happy there and was the most social I've ever seen her. Many times she thanked me for picking out the best unit - I guess we were lucky a corner suite came available at just the right time. The staff was very good about looking after her even as the dementia progressed.
It was a bit sad 4 years later when she had to move to skilled nursing. Right after the move she asked me a few of times to take her home from the state park restaurant. But since we
enjoyed outings to the state park restaurant - I hoped she wasn't in distress, just disoriented.
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Who wants to be 'safe' but completely miserable?
I'm so sorry that a negative image of ALFs is so prevalent among your families. It makes a difficult task even more difficult.
Creeksitter, I know more than few people through my church who live in a CCRC. They are very happy there....all in cottages or independent apartments at this point. Three of the women have lost their husbands over the past couple of years and another has a husband whose health is quickly declining and they have found their community to be a wonderful support.
That is my plan for when we are unable to stay in our present home. I would never put the burden of care on my adult children who have their own lives to live.
My MIL, at 98, refuses to move to assisted living as she sees it as "giving up". Each of her two sons lives 2 hours away. She has pretty much worn out the other relatives in her small town.
Because she is so isolated, she tends to worry about the slightest little thing.
One thing I wanted to add is that some people "find purpose" in providing care. Others see this as a burden.
In our situation, on both sides, everyone lives in different states. My MIL is 90 & just left her own (2 story & a basement) home last year. She only accessed the main floor of the house. She was living "independently" but with most of the day to day help falling on the only son who still lived in the area. The rest of us provided financial assistance, but we are a 2 day drive away & the other brother, a 1 day drive. Sometimes it takes a tragedy. The son that lived near her died suddenly in his early 60's. 6 weeks from cancer diagnosis to death :-(. There was no way we could have MIL continue in that big house alone & she realized it thankfully. We were lucky that her mind is in great shape, so she realized how much she depended on him & his family. It still wasn't easy, but she moved into a senior apartment, not even AL, but everything is self contained there & she voluntarily got rid of her car, as midwestern winter driving was scaring her & everything can be delivered to the senior complex. But she lives in a tiny, tiny town with lots of extended family & the people in the care industry are all the kids & grandkids of friends & family, so in that respect, we do not have the worry that we would have with strangers in a large city.
The brother that died was only a few years older than my DH, scary. Plus, when I think about our future...we don't have any kids, neither do most of our peers/friends. It seems like most everyone still relies on family to care for aging people. My parents are in their 70s, but in poor health & have no friends (in another state) & they have made no plans for their care. We're still in our 50's, but with no kids, I'm starting to think we should start making plans :-(.
I do agree with OP, that independent is often not really independent. But then again, we all hire things out b/c we can't be experts in everything or it's getting harder. Hell, in our 50's, we now hire out a lot more than we ever did before. Still, I think sometimes things don't change until there's a forced changed, like what happened in my MIL's situation.
I've never heard of the spinster/oldest daughter situation & I was born in Europe & am the oldest daughter. I wonder if it may be more of a farm thing? As when MIL's son recently died (my DH's brother) several friends & extended family in their little farming community, in the middle of nowhere, suggested that the new widow (who is only around 62), move in with MIL & problem solved. In fact, many, expected it. It's a highly religious farming town.
Interesting thread. I find that I'm jealous of the folks who have many to depend on for their elderly that insists on remaining "independent" (but isn't independent).
I will spend a portion of tomorrow taking MIL and her ailing/aging dog to the vet. MIL has serious mobility issues and what would take me 30 mins, .. to run the dog to the vet and see about the appointment and bring the dog back to her, will likely take 2 hours or more, because she is so so so very slow. And no, she won't agree to just let me take the dog, she is worried about her "baby" and wants to go and talk to the vet. I will then run to the grocery for her, as she's been homebound with her ailing dog and so needs some things from the grocery. I will then go get her rx's from the drug store that need refill.
This will take up a good portion of tomorrow and if there are special needs for the dog, throw in a trip to the pet store to satisfy that need also.
Fast forward to Friday, I will be taking MIL to a Neurology appointment and to lunch and any other incidental errands that may crop up as a need.
And the above, is on me. There aren't "many" here to spread this around. Fortunately MIL did agree about a year ago after much persuasion, to allow a meal service delivery 3 x's a week. I no longer have to haul meals out there a few times a week. She also finally agreed to allow a housekeeper to come weekly (at her daughter's expense), and so my daughter who used to do that, but now has kids of her own, and her own household and a job, doesn't have to do it.
My husband spent a good portion of yesterday at her house, cleaning her carpets (her dog has been ill and urinating all over the house, carpeted house). And no, she will not put the dog outside .. that's her baby .. it'd be like asking her to put a child outside and leave it, to her that's how it feels when she's asked why she won't do that.
Presently she is sleep deprived from the dog that wakes her 4 and 5 x's nightly to go outside to do his business. This is a person who is severely compromised as to mobility and this fatigue and sleep deprivation has us all so very worried she will fall, or get sick, from being run down. But she will not have it any other way. We have offered to bring the dog here (but she knows that we will let the dog spend more time outdoors here and that displeases her). We've asked that she at least isolate the dog to the utility room where there is a tile floor, as opposed to free reign in the house that is carpeted. No, she couldn't possibly do that to him, he wouldn't understand. We are talking about someone here who will not bend on what she wants and compromising her own health in the process and causing us extreme worry.
I had to make 3 trips this past week, to delivery dog diapers and other supplies, since she was homebound.
This is life with an "independent" elderly as part of our world.
She's 'too stubborn to' or she wants to remain in her own home? If she has enough money she can remain in her own home forever. My in-laws did that. They had 24/7 help in their home but they stayed there and died at home. They were introverts who would have been miserable if they had to move into assisted living.
If your MIL becomes too much for your BIL she can hire the help she needs.
I would hate to be forced into giving up my home when I can afford to stay here forever.
Yes, my mother has a caretaker she pays $700 a week plus room and board.
Interesting thread. I find that I'm jealous of the folks who have many to depend on for their elderly that insists on remaining "independent" (but isn't independent).
I will spend a portion of tomorrow taking MIL and her ailing/aging dog to the vet. MIL has serious mobility issues and what would take me 30 mins, .. to run the dog to the vet and see about the appointment and bring the dog back to her, will likely take 2 hours or more, because she is so so so very slow. And no, she won't agree to just let me take the dog, she is worried about her "baby" and wants to go and talk to the vet. I will then run to the grocery for her, as she's been homebound with her ailing dog and so needs some things from the grocery. I will then go get her rx's from the drug store that need refill.
This will take up a good portion of tomorrow and if there are special needs for the dog, throw in a trip to the pet store to satisfy that need also.
Fast forward to Friday, I will be taking MIL to a Neurology appointment and to lunch and any other incidental errands that may crop up as a need.
And the above, is on me. There aren't "many" here to spread this around. Fortunately MIL did agree about a year ago after much persuasion, to allow a meal service delivery 3 x's a week. I no longer have to haul meals out there a few times a week. She also finally agreed to allow a housekeeper to come weekly (at her daughter's expense), and so my daughter who used to do that, but now has kids of her own, and her own household and a job, doesn't have to do it.
My husband spent a good portion of yesterday at her house, cleaning her carpets (her dog has been ill and urinating all over the house, carpeted house). And no, she will not put the dog outside .. that's her baby .. it'd be like asking her to put a child outside and leave it, to her that's how it feels when she's asked why she won't do that.
Presently she is sleep deprived from the dog that wakes her 4 and 5 x's nightly to go outside to do his business. This is a person who is severely compromised as to mobility and this fatigue and sleep deprivation has us all so very worried she will fall, or get sick, from being run down. But she will not have it any other way. We have offered to bring the dog here (but she knows that we will let the dog spend more time outdoors here and that displeases her). We've asked that she at least isolate the dog to the utility room where there is a tile floor, as opposed to free reign in the house that is carpeted. No, she couldn't possibly do that to him, he wouldn't understand. We are talking about someone here who will not bend on what she wants and compromising her own health in the process and causing us extreme worry.
I had to make 3 trips this past week, to delivery dog diapers and other supplies, since she was homebound.
This is life with an "independent" elderly as part of our world.
What a good representation of a typical situation.
I had an elderly friend/acquaintance who was acting similar (except that her dog had passed away a few years earlier so that was not a problem anymore). Her daughter finally got fed up from taking so much time off from work & away from her family evenings & weekends and insisted that Mom hire a day time (9 AM to 5 PM) companion/driver/cook/cleaner/jack-of-all-trades/caregiver. The daughter cut back to helping mom get into bed each night at 9 PM (one 15 to 30 minute visit each night) and going to important doctor's appointments. Basically, everything else, picking up prescriptions at the pharmacy, going grocery shopping, running errands, playing card games, listening to Mom's stories, making lunch & dinner, cleaning, etc. etc. fell to the hired caregiver.
It was a win-win-win situation. The daughter was happy, the mom was happy and the well-paid caregiver was happy.
I'm not sure if this would work for you, but it is something to consider. At least consider having your mom hire someone to run some of the less essential errands or do some of the tasks.
Or, perhaps have the vet tell her that he/she wants the dog to stay in his/her clinic for a few days until he is better (call the vet in advance to tell them the multiple problems). Then you can take the dog home with you for a few extra days "on the advice of the vet". Mom will be able to get a few/many good nights of sleep. It will at least be a start.
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-12-2017 at 11:16 PM..
Creeksitter, I know more than few people through my church who live in a CCRC. They are very happy there....all in cottages or independent apartments at this point. Three of the women have lost their husbands over the past couple of years and another has a husband whose health is quickly declining and they have found their community to be a wonderful support.
That is my plan for when we are unable to stay in our present home. I would never put the burden of care on my adult children who have their own lives to live.
My MIL, at 98, refuses to move to assisted living as she sees it as "giving up". Each of her two sons lives 2 hours away. She has pretty much worn out the other relatives in her small town.
Because she is so isolated, she tends to worry about the slightest little thing.
One thing I wanted to add is that some people "find purpose" in providing care. Others see this as a burden.
Interesting thread. I find that I'm jealous of the folks who have many to depend on for their elderly that insists on remaining "independent" (but isn't independent).
I will spend a portion of tomorrow taking MIL and her ailing/aging dog to the vet. MIL has serious mobility issues and what would take me 30 mins, .. to run the dog to the vet and see about the appointment and bring the dog back to her, will likely take 2 hours or more, because she is so so so very slow. And no, she won't agree to just let me take the dog, she is worried about her "baby" and wants to go and talk to the vet. I will then run to the grocery for her, as she's been homebound with her ailing dog and so needs some things from the grocery. I will then go get her rx's from the drug store that need refill.
This will take up a good portion of tomorrow and if there are special needs for the dog, throw in a trip to the pet store to satisfy that need also.
Fast forward to Friday, I will be taking MIL to a Neurology appointment and to lunch and any other incidental errands that may crop up as a need.
And the above, is on me. There aren't "many" here to spread this around. Fortunately MIL did agree about a year ago after much persuasion, to allow a meal service delivery 3 x's a week. I no longer have to haul meals out there a few times a week. She also finally agreed to allow a housekeeper to come weekly (at her daughter's expense), and so my daughter who used to do that, but now has kids of her own, and her own household and a job, doesn't have to do it.
My husband spent a good portion of yesterday at her house, cleaning her carpets (her dog has been ill and urinating all over the house, carpeted house). And no, she will not put the dog outside .. that's her baby .. it'd be like asking her to put a child outside and leave it, to her that's how it feels when she's asked why she won't do that.
Presently she is sleep deprived from the dog that wakes her 4 and 5 x's nightly to go outside to do his business. This is a person who is severely compromised as to mobility and this fatigue and sleep deprivation has us all so very worried she will fall, or get sick, from being run down. But she will not have it any other way. We have offered to bring the dog here (but she knows that we will let the dog spend more time outdoors here and that displeases her). We've asked that she at least isolate the dog to the utility room where there is a tile floor, as opposed to free reign in the house that is carpeted. No, she couldn't possibly do that to him, he wouldn't understand. We are talking about someone here who will not bend on what she wants and compromising her own health in the process and causing us extreme worry.
I had to make 3 trips this past week, to delivery dog diapers and other supplies, since she was homebound.
This is life with an "independent" elderly as part of our world.
Dog people understand and would never consider making our pets live outside. Never going to happen. I would give my dogs to another family before I'd make them live outside.
Dog people understand and would never consider making our pets live outside. Never going to happen. I would give my dogs to another family before I'd make them live outside.
I did not read that post as having the dog "live outside" as much as "having the dog outside an appropriate amount of time so that he urinates and poops outside rather than on the carpets all over the house."
I think that even most "dog people" would agree that it is pretty unsanitary and unsafe for an elderly human, with severe mobility issues, when their dog uses their entire, carpeted house as their bathroom.
I did not read that post as having the dog "live outside" as much as "having the dog outside an appropriate amount of time so that he urinates and poops outside rather than on the carpets all over the house."
I think that even most "dog people" would agree that it is pretty unsanitary and unsafe for an elderly human, with severe mobility issues, when their dog uses their entire, carpeted house as their bathroom.
Precisely. MIL has severe mobility issues and getting up and down all day long and to the door to let the dog in and out, .. I cannot imagine how many times .. is a real hardship and more so, very much a risk that she shouldn't be putting herself in, for fall. On a good day she is a fall risk, she sways/wobbles, trips .. unable to pick up her feet well and stay upright, as a result of a stroke years and years ago. But by gosh she is determined to remain "independent" and in her own home. She is of completely sound mind, so there is no use of even going there as to trying to get guardianship to force some other living arrangement. She gets addled, and frazzled quite a bit .. but typically her mind is very sharp.
No, I wasn't referring at all, to tossing the dog out all day and night. Of course not. But as it stands presently, the dog lives indoors most of his life .. and only goes outside to do his biz and then is let back into the home until the next time he needs to be let out. I was referring to, perhaps it'd be better, at least for the time being until there can be some resolution (going to vet today for hopefully some answers) ... for the time being, might be better to let him stay outdoors, during the day time hours, perhaps more than indoors, at least for now. We have beautiful weather, it's not cold, it's not rainy, it's not hot .. it's beautiful here . she has a completely privacy fenced backyard so it's not like the dog would be trying to escape, nor other intruders into the b'yard. And the recommendation that, perhaps at night, if she would isolate him to the utility room, which is tiled ..
But nope.
That's the whole point in this thread. The fact that there are elderly folks that call themselves "independent" but they aren't, really.
She is putting her own well being at great risk, by having a dog that she is putting in front of her own health issues. She can't sleep at night, the dog waking her several times per night to go out . and in some cases, it's taking her so long to get the dog out (she moves slow slow slow) .. the dog urinates on the carpet before she can get him out. She isn't getting any decent sleep. She's at greater risk for fall/injury.
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