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You can still visit her there, and will be able to giver her better personal time than you are now. Your other relatives can then step in, if that is their preference.
You are getting paid to take care of her, yes? Then it is your choice. You do have all the power.
The next time the nurse comes to visit, tell her you cannot take care of your Mom anymore, and ask them to send someone out to help make the arrangements. Give this person your Aunt and Uncle's contact information.
I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to have your health checked, but I suspect most if not all of your fatigue, stress, and anxiety is situational from your caregiving.
So please do look after yourself - and don't fool yourself that if you were just healthier you could handle this. Take everyone's advice here and look into the legal issues as well as care options that will SIGNIFICANTLY help you...not just give you back an hour or two a day. You need your LIFE back, while you are young.
You can still visit her there, and will be able to giver her better personal time than you are now. Your other relatives can then step in, if that is their preference.
You are getting paid to take care of her, yes? Then it is your choice. You do have all the power.
The next time the nurse comes to visit, tell her you cannot take care of your Mom anymore, and ask them to send someone out to help make the arrangements. Give this person your Aunt and Uncle's contact information.
And see your doctor.
It is ok to vent. We understand.
This is so true - it is time for a nursing home. When one of her living children is in another country and one is in the hospital after a heart attack, and her grandchild is overwhelmed and needs her life back - it is time. As sfcambridge wrote, you can still visit her and help out but she won't be totally your responsibility anymore.
I've been a carer for my gran who is 95 and suffers from dementia for a lot of years now.
I'm 31 now,no boyfriend,no kids,no life.
Hardly any friends.
My mum died when I was 14 (grans daughter).
My gran has 2 other children ..1 son who lives 5 mins away and 1 daughter in Australia.
I get no outside help.
My gran is getting worse..I'm constantly worried and suffer from anxiety myself.
The last 4 weeks I've felt ill.
I'm tired all the time,I'm angry,I loose my temper at the least thing,I can't cope anymore and I don't see things ever getting better ..I'm envious of people who are in hospital because at least they are getting a break from life (how messed up is that) I feel like something is stuck in my throat and I'm having pvcs and pacs(irregular extra beats) every 5 -10 seconds a thud in my chest.
I can hardly sleep but I know I can't be ill as my gran needs me.
In the last year I've had a day to myself..then I was worried constantly.
I have upset stomachs,my whole body is aching.
The other night I think I was hallucinating but I was awake ..I could hear rats running along my floor.
What's wrong with me?
I can't take much more..I want to run away and never come back.
What would you tell a friend, who told you everything that you posted here? I bet that you would tell her to "Get medical help immediately. Grow a back bone. Stand up for yourself. Tell you aunt that you are done and mean it."
I've been a carer for my gran who is 95 and suffers from dementia for a lot of years now.
I'm 31 now,no boyfriend,no kids,no life.
Hardly any friends.
I have had several relatives who have lived several years past 100. Let's say that your grandma lives until she is 103 or 104.
Now you are posting. I've been a carer for my gran who is now almost 104 and suffers from dementia for DECADES.
I'm 40 now, no boyfriend, no kids, no life, no career, no retirement, nothing.
And no friends. At age 40, while you may eventually find a boyfriend, what are the chances of you even having children or a career or a normal life? Your grandmother had children. your aunt had a child or children, your uncle had a child or children, your mother had a child. Would your grandmother really want you to be childless because of her? Would you mother really want you to be childless because of caring for her mother? I rather doubt it.
What would you tell a friend, who told you everything that you posted here? I bet that you would tell her to "Get medical help immediately. Grow a back bone. Stand up for yourself. Tell you aunt that you are done and mean it."
I've been a carer for my gran who is 95 and suffers from dementia for a lot of years now.
I'm 31 now,no boyfriend,no kids,no life.
Hardly any friends.
I have had several relatives who have lived several years past 100. Let's say that your grandma lives until she is 103 or 104.
Now you are posting. I've been a carer for my gran who is now almost 104 and suffers from dementia for DECADES.
I'm 40 now, no boyfriend, no kids, no life, no career, no retirement, nothing.
And no friends. At age 40, while you may eventually find a boyfriend, what are the chances of you even having children or a career or a normal life? Your grandmother had children. your aunt had a child or children, your uncle had a child or children, your mother had a child. Would your grandmother really want you to be childless because of her? Would you mother really want you to be childless because of caring for her mother? I rather doubt it.
All of this. And you will have no career, and no way to support yourself after your grandmother passes on, if this continues.
I probably came across as too harsh when I pointed out that the OP has posted twice on the same topic. It's just that I followed the first thread very closely and the OP got exactly this same advice over and over again as she's getting now (and this was just a few weeks ago - very recently in fact). The scenario she described in this thread is the same as in the former thread - nothing much has changed, if anything it's gotten worse.
Honestly speaking, considering that the scenario hasn't changed at all, what she probably should have done was just update the thread that she started just a few weeks ago. When I saw the second thread, with the exact same situation going on but with an even more desperate sound to it, my first thought was "Did you take any of the tons of advice you got just a few weeks ago????? What have you done to make this situation any better or different? Something's gotta give!"
God knows I don't mind people venting - LOL, that would be pretty hypocritical of me. I genuinely do feel for her and I know she's trapped in what must be a heartbreaking and frustrating situation all around. SHE NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE THE DYNAMICS OF THIS SITUATION.
I feel like we're all watching a train wreck here. Clearly the OP is depressed and her health is suffering at this point - and she's a young woman! It's actually heart wrenching. And it's disturbing.
Maybe I'm wrong - maybe she is only venting and doesn't really want advice and if so, then I apologize. Maybe she only wants emotional support and wow, if that's the case then I apologize profusely, OP. I'm very sincere about that.
"If we don't have a plan for our lives, someone else will" is the fortune I got in a Chinese fortune cookie recently and wow did it ever resonate. When tough times come our way and crazy things hit us out of left field - things that may impact the rest of our lives - we have to be strong if we intend to stick with our plans and dreams for our lives. Even then, sometimes they won't come true. But the OP is allowing others to use and abuse her. That's different from many of the situations with caregivers here.
OP, I know you love your gran and that complicates matters even more. But you are allowing others to abuse you and wreck your life. That's why your body is rebelling - it's because your mind and body are interconnected and you cannot live with ongoing emotional abuse without it manifesting itself physically eventually.
What did you say to the elder care social workers who came out to assess your gran? See, in my opinion, you needed to pitch a wall eyed fit at that point. No, you're not exaggerating. But what if you simply were not able to care for your gran? What would happen to her? Who would step in? SOMEONE would. Find out who that someone is and take steps today to line that out.
What did you say to the elder care social workers who came out to assess your gran? See, in my opinion, you needed to pitch a wall eyed fit at that point. No, you're not exaggerating. But what if you simply were not able to care for your gran? What would happen to her? Who would step in? SOMEONE would. Find out who that someone is and take steps today to line that out.
Kathryn makes a great point. What would happen if you were rushed to the hospital today with a heart attack or even worse, if you drop dead of a heart attack this very minute? (obviously, none of us wish that will happen, but those things can & do happen everyday)
Someone else would care for your grandmother. In fact, with how far her dementia has progressed I bet that she would even be able to receive much better health care if she was in a nursing home rather than at home. And, certainly YOUR health and YOUR life would improve greatly.
Please do not wait until you are in the hospital, or dead, until you do something about your own health. Please.
Kathryn makes a great point. What would happen if you were rushed to the hospital today with a heart attack or even worse, if you drop dead of a heart attack this very minute? (obviously, none of us wish that will happen, but those things can & do happen everyday)
Someone else would care for your grandmother. In fact, with how far her dementia has progressed I bet that she would even be able to receive much better health care if she was in a nursing home rather than at home. And, certainly YOUR health and YOUR life would improve greatly.
Please do not wait until you are in the hospital, or dead, until you do something about your own health. Please.
I third this. You have taken on a monumental task, and to be honest it's more than one untrained person can handle. And take it from me, if you spend these years 100% devoted to this endeavor, you might miss out on some of your dreams like having a family of your own. It's not right for you to have this responsibility by yourself...the adult children of this lady should be taking this on, and frankly in close partnership with a trained medical professional.
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