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BTW, the enabling thing is getting solved somewhat with anything tasked to me. I know what he can and can't do. Like he can email or text. So I insist that he do it. These are good skills for him to learn! I am heartened by that.
He has not caught on yet to creative thinking on how to email or text someone he only has a phone number for. Or to start looking for email addresses on papers he gets, but baby steps.
I was a B last night. He made me angry saying I need to handle something for his house insurance. He started with 'this is your house too' which makes me angry. It isn't. I mean, I have a speculative claim someday if he dies or goes into nursing home forever but that does not make it mine in any way or my shared responsibility. I said email them! He said I can't, i don't know the email address. Well, he can look it up on the website! My Aunt said call Protective Services if he can't manage anything (she is done).
He said why are you being so difficult? I said I'm not I just can't manage every single 'errand' of yours especially ones you CAN do. I feel bad now getting upset at a small thing, there was a nicer way to get myself across. I don't feel bad about locating the email address for him to use instead of me doing it though.
He really is in a bad spot not even being able to speak now. Already he essentially can't move so I shouldn't be a B. I wouldn't want someone to be mean to ME.
I think you maybe should call someone, if he can't even get to the door. What is he going to do if there's a fire? How does he go to the bathroom or get food if he can't move around within the home?
I think you maybe should call someone, if he can't even get to the door. What is he going to do if there's a fire? How does he go to the bathroom or get food if he can't move around within the home?
He has a life alert button. Firemen come to help him if he slips out of his chair or can't get back in chair after potty. He only drinks boost now, while there is pain in his mouth. My Dad goes everyday to make sure he has enough Boost, empty his urine bag, move things around, pick up things he dropped, etc.
If it was known this is as good as it's going to get we'd have to say you're going to have to go into the nursing home. Or have caregivers at home until your money runs out.
But we are hoping these procedures he is getting for his mouth will work, and take him back to where he can drive his specialized van, and get around more. Might be 6 weeks before we know whether they will work.
But, I can tell you this, as long as he wants to lie on his back this way and as long as my father is able he would never say 'you have to go into care'. So, I shouldn't have said 'we' because when one of 'we' is not on the same page, there really is no we.
I asked him if he refused therapy and he said no. And that the denial is from the hospital, not the nursing home. That makes no sense. He went in with compression fractures. He had surgery. My Aunt's input was that they had to keep him a bit longer due to no room at the nursing homes. I don't see how that falls back on my brother.
Hospitals kick people out again because insurance tells cuts them. They are for acute care anyway. You can't just leave someone there for respite until a rehab bed becomes available, no insurance will pay for that. I have never heard of no rehab beds being available anywhere, unless his insurance doesn't cover them or not sufficiently so that everyone is turning him down. Many Medicare Advantage plans are crap and many homes don't want them.
You need to talk to the hospital social worker and find out what is really going on. Bring a copy of your POA everywhere. Ask her for a list of the SNFs she called and why he was denied. Again, I have a hard time believing in your entire county every rehab bed is full everywhere.
If he has funds, he can pay for respite somewhere, but insurance doesn't cover it because it's not considered skilled care.
By the way, if he goes into a nursing home long term, you won't be able to keep the house unless he put it solely in your name, and it was at least 5 years before he needs to apply for Medicaid.
Hospitals kick people out again because insurance tells cuts them. They are for acute care anyway. You can't just leave someone there for respite until a rehab bed becomes available, no insurance will pay for that. I have never heard of no rehab beds being available anywhere, unless his insurance doesn't cover them or not sufficiently so that everyone is turning him down. Many Medicare Advantage plans are crap and many homes don't want them.
You need to talk to the hospital social worker and find out what is really going on. Bring a copy of your POA everywhere. Ask her for a list of the SNFs she called and why he was denied. Again, I have a hard time believing in your entire county every rehab bed is full everywhere.
If he has funds, he can pay for respite somewhere, but insurance doesn't cover it because it's not considered skilled care.
By the way, if he goes into a nursing home long term, you won't be able to keep the house unless he put it solely in your name, and it was at least 5 years before he needs to apply for Medicaid.
Well,, on the house, half is in my name. I think my half is safe from it. Actually there is way more to that that is an entire thread on its own.
Regarding the other, I am speaking of a couple days where no place had an opening. But I called the hospital and they said their claim was paid. So now I am waiting on the rehab/NH place to call back and see if they will speak to me.
He had compression fractures and then surgery and he did get rehab. He only stayed 20 or 21 days, whatever is the max for 100%
He has a life alert button. Firemen come to help him if he slips out of his chair or can't get back in chair after potty. He only drinks boost now, while there is pain in his mouth. My Dad goes everyday to make sure he has enough Boost, empty his urine bag, move things around, pick up things he dropped, etc.
If it was known this is as good as it's going to get we'd have to say you're going to have to go into the nursing home. Or have caregivers at home until your money runs out.
But we are hoping these procedures he is getting for his mouth will work, and take him back to where he can drive his specialized van, and get around more. Might be 6 weeks before we know whether they will work.
But, I can tell you this, as long as he wants to lie on his back this way and as long as my father is able he would never say 'you have to go into care'. So, I shouldn't have said 'we' because when one of 'we' is not on the same page, there really is no we.
Well if your dad goes everyday, why can't he bring delivered groceries in? With my mom, we get to pick when we want delivery in a 2-hour time frame. It could also be delivered to your dads and he can take it over. Does he have a neighbor you would trust a key with? My mom's next door neighbor was a Godsend when I went through this with my mom.
I don't think it's fair to use firemen as a home health aides. Your brother should not be living alone IMO. I can see how this is hard for you, but I don't think you should rearrange your life to enable him. I had to walk that line too, my mom was 2 hours away and I needed to know she was okay, but I was mad that she wouldn't leave and put that on me. I worked full time and a round trip that far ruined my entire day. It is very selfish.
My mom had to "fail" before she agreed to go to assisted living. Your brother will have to as well. Although I don't really see even what difference it would make in his life if he can't move around anyway...if he stays in one room and watches TV all day, he could do that just as easily at a nursing home.
It truly sounds like you don't have the entire picture of why he is home and not in rehab however. Why doesn't he have aides? Does he have funds or is he on SS?
Well if your dad goes everyday, why can't he bring delivered groceries in? With my mom, we get to pick when we want delivery in a 2-hour time frame. It could also be delivered to your dads and he can take it over. Does he have a neighbor you would trust a key with? My mom's next door neighbor was a Godsend when I went through this with my mom.
I don't think it's fair to use firemen as a home health aides. Your brother should not be living alone IMO. I can see how this is hard for you, but I don't think you should rearrange your life to enable him. I had to walk that line too, my mom was 2 hours away and I needed to know she was okay, but I was mad that she wouldn't leave and put that on me. I worked full time and a round trip that far ruined my entire day. It is very selfish.
My mom had to "fail" before she agreed to go to assisted living. Your brother will have to as well. Although I don't really see even what difference it would make in his life if he can't move around anyway...if he stays in one room and watches TV all day, he could do that just as easily at a nursing home.
He can and does bring packages in. Part of the point of my Dad bringing things is he needs to go anyway. My Dad doesn't understand online ordering and doesn't see any benefit to it. We haven't had to face groceries yet. It only looked that way for a day and then he said 'nevermind, I can't eat. I only want Boost' so it's a moot point.
When he wants food again I can't say why my father, who loathes the store, suddenly says 'I can go to the store' when I tell him about delivery. Perhaps it is just his nature to reject paying for it. Or allowing anyone else to. He still, if he can intervene, will tell me, DO NOT go to a mechanic. *I* will fix 'whatever'.
If I go to Discount Tire, I just don't tell him for this reason. Anyway, the other reason may be if he has to go retrieve the package he may as well get what is in the package. Whatever the reason I can't change him.
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Although I don't really see even what difference it would make in his life if he can't move around anyway...if he stays in one room and watches TV all day, he could do that just as easily at a nursing home.
I addressed that in my other post. The hope is these injections in his mouth will return him to where he is more ambulatory and mobile. AND if it doesn't, there is no way to stop my father from facilitating this.
I suppose if I wanted to I could use my Dad in this way. I could my Mom, I just chose not to. But if I came up with something once a week he needs to come do for me, he'd do it. I have a huge box on my porch right now I can't get down to the dumpster. The person I normally pay to do things like that is AWOL. I could ask my Dad but I refuse. It's hard on him to do that. But if push came to shove he'd have grandkids come help if I insisted something had to be done. It's just how he is.
Who knows? Maybe he has guilt he is making himself feel better about. Maybe it's just how he is. He cannot say no or doesn't want to say no to anyone. He will drag his butt on some things, which encourages people to seek help elsewhere, lol. But he will never outright say no.
SO, as long as my brother wants to do this, he will. That has been made really clear lately. My aunt finally got me on her train that this independence farce is over but my Dad keeps the choo choo going. And there is nothing anyone can do about it.
As for me, I pick and choose what I will do. And that almost never includes hands-on. I am well aware he at least wants me to do the night shift of emptying urine bag and a few other minor things and I will not do it.
Maybe, maybe if he lived closer. Maybe I'd get over my urine bag boundary. But an hour round trip to do that? No.
My Aunt is OFF the train. She is only providing verbal support to me on the phone!
Well if your dad goes everyday, why can't he bring delivered groceries in? With my mom, we get to pick when we want delivery in a 2-hour time frame. It could also be delivered to your dads and he can take it over. Does he have a neighbor you would trust a key with? My mom's next door neighbor was a Godsend when I went through this with my mom.
I don't think it's fair to use firemen as a home health aides. Your brother should not be living alone IMO. I can see how this is hard for you, but I don't think you should rearrange your life to enable him. I had to walk that line too, my mom was 2 hours away and I needed to know she was okay, but I was mad that she wouldn't leave and put that on me. I worked full time and a round trip that far ruined my entire day. It is very selfish.
My mom had to "fail" before she agreed to go to assisted living. Your brother will have to as well. Although I don't really see even what difference it would make in his life if he can't move around anyway...if he stays in one room and watches TV all day, he could do that just as easily at a nursing home.
It truly sounds like you don't have the entire picture of why he is home and not in rehab however. Why doesn't he have aides? Does he have funds or is he on SS?
I forgot to answer the last question. He is on SSDI and no one knows how much money he has. We know he HAD $80K several months ago. We do not know how much of that he has lost to the stock market. He trades on it. It's not investing, it's gambling. He bets on whether a stock will go up or down.
He doesn't want to blow through that on care. He's going to make a million and go to Costa Rica and get better and get married and on and on.
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