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My brother doesn't keep me from having vacations. I really normally don't do much. It's my turn at bat right now because things are worse than usual and my aunt retired from active duty.
Jencam, with all due respect, you need to just quit. Quit all of it. The amount of effort you spend on establishing and maintaining boundaries is more work than the help he's asking from you. So step away from the batters box, and just leave the situation alone. I know that sounds heartless, but it is the only way to force him to get the home health care he needs.
Jencam, with all due respect, you need to just quit. Quit all of it. The amount of effort you spend on establishing and maintaining boundaries is more work than the help he's asking from you. So step away from the batters box, and just leave the situation alone. I know that sounds heartless, but it is the only way to force him to get the home health care he needs.
It wouldn't work. It just increases the load on my Dad. I can't say to HIM, I refuse to help YOU.
It wouldn't work. It just increases the load on my Dad. I can't say to HIM, I refuse to help YOU.
Your Dad is trying to guilt you into doing all these things. Didn't you say your Dad has a business? If so he's smart and of sound mind enough to put solutions in place that don't involve all the insanity.
And I'm surprised the fire department is willing to help out as much as they do without charging anything.
I am trying to wrap my head around the fact he has a specialized van and, until recently, was able to drive to church activities and sports bars.
I realize his health and mobility were better then now but based on the timeline of your posts it doesn't appear his health was THAT much better. When he got to these activities was he able to get from the van into the bar without assistance? Was he nasty to those around him? Could he accomplish these things on his own?
I apologize if my interpretation of the time frame is off but it seems like he was able to do things like this in your earlier posts but was only helpless at home. Does he still "gamble" on the stock market? How does he do this without help?
I was a B last night. He made me angry saying I need to handle something for his house insurance. He started with 'this is your house too' which makes me angry. It isn't. I mean, I have a speculative claim someday if he dies or goes into nursing home forever but that does not make it mine in any way or my shared responsibility. I said email them! He said I can't, i don't know the email address. Well, he can look it up on the website! My Aunt said call Protective Services if he can't manage anything (she is done).
He said why are you being so difficult? I said I'm not I just can't manage every single 'errand' of yours especially ones you CAN do. I feel bad now getting upset at a small thing, there was a nicer way to get myself across. I don't feel bad about locating the email address for him to use instead of me doing it though.
He really is in a bad spot not even being able to speak now. Already he essentially can't move so I shouldn't be a B. I wouldn't want someone to be mean to ME.
For the record, I don't think you're being a B. It's imperative that he (and others we are all caregiving for)r remain as self sufficient as possible for as long as possible. For us AND for them. I have to constantly push back on my mom about this. Then I feel like a B too - but I know intellectually that I'm not.
Think about how Helen Keller's teacher was so firm and tough with her. Now if there was anyone to feel sorry for, it was 5 year old Helen Keller who was living in a frightening world of complete darkness and no sound. OMG. But Annie Sullivan (I think that was her name) was firm and insistent that HK do all that she could do on her own, and look how much better off she was.
I need to reread that book about her teacher. Might be a good one for all of us to read. It's so hard to find that line between empathy and enabling.
It wouldn't work. It just increases the load on my Dad. I can't say to HIM, I refuse to help YOU.
Yes you can - in a nice way.
When my mom got really sick and my dad was also struggling (my dad the Enabler), he started leaning on me like crazy and I felt like a jerk any time I told him no. But the thing was, HE had created this monster, not me. HE had made it his life's obligation to do everything for my mom - but that wasn't my obligation to continue his enabling when he couldn't do it any longer. And since he died, my mom has had to adjust her mindset to that - and it's been hard, and continues to be hard. But I'm getting a grip on it.
But back to your dad. I think you need to sit down with your dad and bare your heart to him - tell him what you just said to us. Tell him about the terrible position this puts you in. Tell him how it traps you. Tell him how unfair that is to you - and to him - and even to your brother.
I would also seriously consider some professional counseling - not because you are an emotional mess or anything, but to help you navigate this "unholy trinity." There's a way to do it but someone is going to have to pick up the ball and run with it, and it's not going to be your brother or your dad. Tag, you're it!
And I agree with the other poster - your dad is (perhaps subconsciously) guilting you into doing a lot of this stuff. He's playing the classic martyr. You may have to let him be a martyr. You can't stop him from doing unnecessary things and it's not your responsibility to do them just to keep HIM from doing them. It's a vicious cycle and it may well kill your dad - and then you'll have your brother to deal with basically on your own. Ask me how I know this. (Lord help us!)
The thing is, no matter how much you do to try to "help your dad conserve his energy" - he is going to continue to enable your brother. He needs to "work smarter, not harder." Your dad sounds a lot like my dad. The last few years of my dad's life, he relied more and more on my "voice of reason" regarding boundaries, because he simply wasn't able to keep up with my mom's demands, and battle his own conditions as well, and I sure as HELL wasn't going to cater to my mom's irrational behaviors and demands - and he knew that. My point is that he DID listen. The concepts were new to him, and he hadn't really analyzed a lot of how he was interacting with my mom, but he was teachable and it was helpful. I still had to occasionally step in but every time I let him know it, and it was a teaching tool because I was able to point out "Now this is why this is unhealthy behavior," and he'd "get it." It took effort.
When I cleaned out his office shortly after his sudden death, I found the book I had recommended to him, "Codependent No More." He had ordered it and was reading it. In his case it was too late, but it was heartening to realize that he was that open to learning and to changing his behaviors. Maybe your dad is the same.
I am trying to wrap my head around the fact he has a specialized van and, until recently, was able to drive to church activities and sports bars.
I realize his health and mobility were better then now but based on the timeline of your posts it doesn't appear his health was THAT much better. When he got to these activities was he able to get from the van into the bar without assistance? Was he nasty to those around him? Could he accomplish these things on his own?
I apologize if my interpretation of the time frame is off but it seems like he was able to do things like this in your earlier posts but was only helpless at home. Does he still "gamble" on the stock market? How does he do this without help?
That is a valid question. The MS disables him to X degree, but this newer part of it, a condition called Trigeminal Neuraligia, when it flares up he can't eat, or talk even sometimes, or move very much. So, a few weeks ago, and hopefully again in a few weeks from now, he is more mobile.
When my mom got really sick and my dad was also struggling (my dad the Enabler), he started leaning on me like crazy and I felt like a jerk any time I told him no. But the thing was, HE had created this monster, not me. HE had made it his life's obligation to do everything for my mom - but that wasn't my obligation to continue his enabling when he couldn't do it any longer. And since he died, my mom has had to adjust her mindset to that - and it's been hard, and continues to be hard. But I'm getting a grip on it.
But back to your dad. I think you need to sit down with your dad and bare your heart to him - tell him what you just said to us. Tell him about the terrible position this puts you in. Tell him how it traps you. Tell him how unfair that is to you - and to him - and even to your brother.
I would also seriously consider some professional counseling - not because you are an emotional mess or anything, but to help you navigate this "unholy trinity." There's a way to do it but someone is going to have to pick up the ball and run with it, and it's not going to be your brother or your dad. Tag, you're it!
And I agree with the other poster - your dad is (perhaps subconsciously) guilting you into doing a lot of this stuff. He's playing the classic martyr. You may have to let him be a martyr. You can't stop him from doing unnecessary things and it's not your responsibility to do them just to keep HIM from doing them. It's a vicious cycle and it may well kill your dad - and then you'll have your brother to deal with basically on your own. Ask me how I know this. (Lord help us!)
The thing is, no matter how much you do to try to "help your dad conserve his energy" - he is going to continue to enable your brother. He needs to "work smarter, not harder." Your dad sounds a lot like my dad. The last few years of my dad's life, he relied more and more on my "voice of reason" regarding boundaries, because he simply wasn't able to keep up with my mom's demands, and battle his own conditions as well, and I sure as HELL wasn't going to cater to my mom's irrational behaviors and demands - and he knew that. My point is that he DID listen. The concepts were new to him, and he hadn't really analyzed a lot of how he was interacting with my mom, but he was teachable and it was helpful. I still had to occasionally step in but every time I let him know it, and it was a teaching tool because I was able to point out "Now this is why this is unhealthy behavior," and he'd "get it." It took effort.
When I cleaned out his office shortly after his sudden death, I found the book I had recommended to him, "Codependent No More." He had ordered it and was reading it. In his case it was too late, but it was heartening to realize that he was that open to learning and to changing his behaviors. Maybe your dad is the same.
I'm not doing much. I could tell my Dad I will do nothing and he'd say ok. I choose not to. Everyone's family dynamics are different. My Dad has never asked me for anything my entire life so for once if I can take a little load off him, I want to.
I'm just doing clerical work, and not much of that overall. I had a stressful few days but virtually nothing since then. and a lot of the stress was due to a learning curve. That's over for at least this one Dr and the current treatment. So all I do for that now is make an appointment every two weeks and schedule the medical transport people.
I have been 'off duty' for YEARS. My mother did EVERYTHING. I only pitched in when SHE needed help and sometimes that meant doing for my brother so she could rest but that was rare. Sometimes, I'd leave my brother to my father completely and only do for my Mom. Like if she was in hospital or rehab. I attended to her ONLY.
It was when she needed help in her own home that I also did my brother's laundry and minor things for him while I was there with attention for my Mom. Or once I called and she clearly needing to be on her breathing machine and I pointed that out. She said I can't! I've got to get ____ an appointment for ABC! I said stand down, take care of you, and I will do it.
Also, my brother is asking me to do things directly. So not doing them would be so rude to my Dad, knowing it would get foisted on him.
I'm not doing much. I could tell my Dad I will do nothing and he'd say ok. I choose not to. Everyone's family dynamics are different. My Dad has never asked me for anything my entire life so for once if I can take a little load off him, I want to.
I'm just doing clerical work, and not much of that overall. I had a stressful few days but virtually nothing since then. and a lot of the stress was due to a learning curve. That's over for at least this one Dr and the current treatment. So all I do for that now is make an appointment every two weeks and schedule the medical transport people.
I have been 'off duty' for YEARS. My mother did EVERYTHING. I only pitched in when SHE needed help and sometimes that meant doing for my brother so she could rest but that was rare. Sometimes, I'd leave my brother to my father completely and only do for my Mom. Like if she was in hospital or rehab. I attended to her ONLY.
It was when she needed help in her own home that I also did my brother's laundry and minor things for him while I was there with attention for my Mom. Or once I called and she clearly needing to be on her breathing machine and I pointed that out. She said I can't! I've got to get ____ an appointment for ABC! I said stand down, take care of you, and I will do it.
Also, my brother is asking me to do things directly. So not doing them would be so rude to my Dad, knowing it would get foisted on him.
The bolded part is where you're going off the tracks. Everything makes pretty good sense till that part. Because so what if he asks your dad to do something, if your dad has his personal boundaries in good shape? And if he doesn't, there's not much you can do about that -but that doesn't mean you have to lower your boundaries and expectations just because he chooses to do so.
Of course, it's your choice too - but that doesn't mean the boundaries are healthy or that the dynamics are healthy. It just means you're choosing to ignore your personal boundaries. Like I said, maybe that's what you want to do, or choose to do even though you don't want to, but I think it's healthy to call it what it is.
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