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I have a problem that I am having trouble with my father and his girlfriend/common-law wife. My father was diagnosed with moderate dementia/Alzheimer's last year after a series of strokes. These strokes occurred because my father failed to take his required blood pressure and diabetes medications. My father has had many medical and mental emergencies for at least 10 years. Every time, the doctors told him that he could prevent a lot of these problems if her only take his medications. After these incidents, his girlfriend will usually call me telling me I need to help take him because he is too much for her. I would take him, clean him up and get him back on track and then he would run back to her as soon as she would take him back. When he would be thrown on us, my husband would often lose have to take off of work to get him and lose lots of money in the process. The last time he ended up in the hospital, my husband hadn't been on the job long enough to have vacation/sick time. We could barely pay our mortgage and we all had to eat very lean for the next two weeks.
Let me give you a little background about my relationship with my father. My parents split when I was 8 years old and I spent a lot of the time actively trying to maintain our relationship. I was always the one calling him to check up on him, send birthday gifts, call on special occasions. He rarely initiated contact. He think he has called me to wish me "happy birthday" about 3 times since age 8 (they were usually on the wrong date, often a month later). He did send me a sweet sixteen gift but failed to send my brother anything (his birthday was 5 days after mine). He didn't even call my brother. I never seen my brother so hurt in my life. It still hurts me to this day. My brother really doesn't deal with him much now. He was never really dependable. Since age 8, my father was either having emotional meltdowns, getting hooked on drugs, getting involved with women who have used him, abruptly quitting jobs, refusing to get a job, living off my late grandparents, etc., etc.. For the last 30+ years, I have spent a lot of time worrying about his welfare and coming to save him, even as a child. All I ever wanted was for him to grow up and just take care of himself.
I am now a 44year old mother of three young children who is disparately trying to give my kids the stability I didn't get from my parents. My father's girlfriend feels I should financially support him and provide respite care for him. She has him in this daycare facility during the day and she has a nursing that comes at night so she can spend time with her foster child. She wants to do all of these rehab services for him but he only has about $1000/ month from Social Security. The problem is that my family is on one income and we are trying to stay afloat ourselves. Any extra money (which is not much) goes into our children. Believe me our kids don't get half as much as her foster daughter. If we give money, my kids will get even less. I just sent her boxes and boxes of medical supplies she said she needed. She has already called me asking for more money to help with his daycare and nursing care. She keeps telling me it is so hard for her.
They live about 4 1/2 hours away and tomorrow I have to drive halfway to pick him up. I will care for him for about a week. He is unable to take care of himself. He needs help bathing, brushing his teething, toileting, eating she says. My family and I think he may need to go in a nursing facility but he does want to go. I am really nervous about taking him right now. I am just not sure about anything right now. Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry if I sound like a horrible person. I just have a lot of resentment.
Last edited by nutraveler; 05-17-2017 at 02:23 PM..
I have a problem that I am having trouble with my father and his girlfriend/common-law wife. My father was diagnosed with moderate dementia/Alzheimer's last year after a series of strokes. These strokes occurred because my father failed to take his required blood pressure and diabetes medications. My father has had many medical and mental emergencies for at least 10 years. Every time, the doctors told him that he could prevent a lot of these problems if her only take his medications. After these incidents, his girlfriend will usually call me telling me I need to help take him because he is too much for her. I would take him, clean him up and get him back on track and then he would run back to her as soon as she would take him back. When he would be thrown on us, my husband would often lose have to take off of work to get him and lose lots of money in the process. The last time he ended up in the hospital, my husband hadn't been on the job long enough to have vacation/sick time. We could barely pay our mortgage and we all had to eat very lean for the next two weeks.
Let me give you a little background about my relationship with my father. My parents split when I was 8 years old and I spent a lot of the time actively trying to maintain our relationship. I was always the one calling him to check up on him, send birthday gifts, call on special occasions. He rarely initiated contact. He think he has called me to wish me "happy birthday" about 3 times since age 8 (they were usually on the wrong date, often a month later). He did send me a sweet sixteen gift but failed to send my brother anything (his birthday was 5 days after mine). He didn't even call my brother. I never seen my brother so hurt in my life. It still hurts me to this day. My brother really doesn't deal with him much now. He was never really dependable. Since age 8, my father was either having emotional meltdowns, getting hooked on drugs, getting involved with women who have used him, abruptly quitting jobs, refusing to get a job, living off my late grandparents, etc., etc.. For the last 30+ years, I have spent a lot of time worrying about his welfare and coming to save him, even as a child. All I ever wanted was for him to grow up and just take care of himself.
I am now a 44year old mother of three young children who is disparately trying to give my kids the stability I didn't get from my parents. My father's girlfriend feels I should financially support him and provide respite care for him. She has him in this daycare facility during the day and she has a nursing that comes at night so she can spend time with her foster child. She wants to do all of these rehab services for him but he only has about $1000/ month from Social Security. The problem is that my family is on one income and we are trying to stay afloat ourselves. Any extra money (which is not much) goes into our children. Believe me our kids don't get half as much as her foster daughter. If we give money, my kids will get even less. I just sent her boxes and boxes of medical supplies she said she needed. She has already called me asking for more money to help with his daycare and nursing care. She keeps telling me it is so hard for her.
They live about 4 1/2 hours away and tomorrow I have to drive halfway to pick him up. I will care for him for about a week. He is unable to take care of himself. He needs help bathing, brushing his teething, toileting, eating she says. My family and I think he may need to go in a nursing facility but he does want to go. I am really nervous about taking him right now. I am just not sure about anything right now. Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry if I sound like a horrible person. I just have a lot of resentment.
You are not a horrible person. Most people in your shoes would not continue to care for a father who did not care for you or for your brother.
If his girlfriend has him in daycare, and a nurse in the house at night, than why does she need to send him to your house to be cared for?
I am now a 44year old mother of three young children who is disparately trying to give my kids the stability I didn't get from my parents. My father's girlfriend feels I should financially support him and provide respite care for him.
Honey, tell the girlfriend to pound sand.
You owe your own core family your attention. You don't owe anything to your father.
Tell her you can't do this anymore and leave it at that.
He is unable to take care of himself. He needs help bathing, brushing his teething, toileting, eating she says. My family and I think he may need to go in a nursing facility but he does want to go
I assume you mean he does NOT want to go. If the help you describe him needing is solely due to mental shortcomings, then it sounds as if his dementia is more severe than moderate. My mother had severe dementia, unaware of her surroundings and unable to hold a conversation, yet put a sandwich in front of her and she could feed herself.
I really think your father belongs in a nursing home. No one WANTS to go but it really isn't your father's decision to make as he is unable to survive independently,
I have the feeling that if you take him to your home to take care of him for a week, he'd be staying permanently. His common law wife should be taking care of him. Your immediate family Is your responsibility - he isn't.
I am really nervous about taking him right now. I am just not sure about anything right now. Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry if I sound like a horrible person. I just have a lot of resentment.
I think you know you should not take him. Not now, not again ever. It is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to your own family.
I would say this even if he had been the most loving and attentive father in the world. He wasn't. I had one of those, too. And if my stepmother had tried to fob him off on me I would have laughed and closed the door in her face.
I think you're still trying to figure out how you feel about your father. You have unrealized hopes that he will straighten up and fly right. That he will understand he needs to treat his children the way they deserve.
When my father died without reconciling with his children or without even mentioning us in a will, I realized there are no movie endings in real life. Some people never grow up. Then they get sick and try to take advantage of those they've slighted.
It is perfectly OK if you decide you don't love your father. It is perfectly OK if you decide you do. No rush. But don't take him in again.
I have the feeling that if you take him to your home to take care of him for a week, he'd be staying permanently. His common law wife should be taking care of him. Your immediate family Is your responsibility - he isn't.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
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You are not required to love your parents. We don't get to chose who sired us, we can require them to earn our love when we are old enough to know what love really means, or is supposed to mean, between parent and child.
You can say 'No'. We give you permission and it is perfectly acceptable. You may feel guilt, that is normal. Your duty is to your family and ensuring them a healthy stable life. To give them your love should always be your top priority.
Your father's common law wife is using you in a way that is despicable. She is trying to get out from under having to take care of him herself. She is hoping, or at least this is how it sounds to me, that one day he will not come back to her.
The first time saying no is THE hardest. It gets easier the more you practice. Yes, you will feel guilt, that will lessen in time. You will get stronger in your refusal to play her game.
{{{{hugs}}} I wish you the best in this tough situation.
You owe your own core family your attention. You don't owe anything to your father.
Tell her you can't do this anymore and leave it at that.
Excellent advice. Lifeboats are only so big.
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