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He would be living in an appropriate memory care facility with people who are trained to deal with that kind of thing.
I seriously hope you don't get yourself hurt trying to be a wonderful daughter.
He's pretty frail and he doesn't have the strength to do any real damage. He's mostly just verbally mean and seriously irrational when he's challenged too directly. I think he more scared himself when he smacked the phone out of my hand than anything else, because that was probably the biggest proof he is affected by his dementia - he'd never laid a hand on me, not even to spank when I was a kid. There are no guns in my house, and the knives can be kept out of his reach. Really not a worry.
Thanks for the perspectives! I think I will use a combination of these and other strategies I've found, and unless he asks about his friends, I will try not to bring them up. There are other ways to keep his brain moving. I've got him reading some pretty high-level nonfiction books that he's really enjoying right now, and I've been funneling magazines at him like Scientific American and National Geographic and Time, and he's devouring them.
I'm trying to keep him engaged and excited about the things we're doing without triggering any tantrums. We go for drives in the mountains. Tonight I have an agility class for my dog that I know he will enjoy. And I have a daycare visit lined up - if he likes that, it will be helpful. Also contact respite services for weekends and evenings - frankly, since I work from home, the daycare isn't that big of a deal. He's not much trouble during the day.
My grandfather died at 97 in a nursing home from something mostly unrelated to the Alzheimer's, however we think it was a contributing factor to what eventually killed him. Like a lot of people who suffer with this disease, he had major short term memory issues but he could remember things from years and years ago. He would love talking about the time when he was young and vibrant and all the famous people he met when he worked in NYC.
People with Alzheimers Disease retain their longterm memory (what happened decades ago, versus what happened 5 months or 5 minutes.ago.) For example, my father kept asking who that old woman was that kept hanging around...it was my mother, his wife of 45 years. He thought he was a young man on the farm again.
Regarding violence & being frail...when they are scared, disoriented, agitated &/or angry, I guess the adrenaline increases (fight or flight) so that they have increased strength. I was 26 & athletic when going through this. My father was frail, but put a death-grip on my wrists, pushed me around like a wheel barrow, & nearly shoved me through a plate glass window before a male relative came up behind him & put a chokehold on him...it was still several minutes before he released me, & my wrists were bruised. So, please be careful.
So my father is finally living with me and it's been less than a week. He's had one episode where he was demanding to go back home, but has been mostly docile and mellow. But I'm struggling with some things.
I had intended for him to talk with his friends in our hometown regularly as a way of keeping him sharp. Other than that one day of demanding to go back home, he's been uninterested in what's going on with them. Should I not bring them up unless he asks? Should I just let our hometown fade in his mind? Because when he remembers, he wants to go back - but he can't take care of himself at all. Even basic hygiene requires instruction many days. I've spoken with Alzheimer's/dementia support lines and people who have dealt with similar situations and they assure me that he is at a stage where he needs full-time supervision. Going back home, even with visiting nurses checking on him isn't viable. It's me or a nursing home.
I don't talk about our hometown now or his childhood or his best friend, because I don't want to deal with the "Send me home" argument. His friends all agree that he needs to be living with me or in a facility and were very relieved I was taking him with me. I have heard countless stories about how he's done weird unexplainable things in their presence or seemed totally lost and confused. I'm just trying to keep him with me until he needs more care than I can provide. Honestly, I don't think it will be that long.
So should I just let him forget about where we're from?
YES!
The worst part of dementia. OMG
I stipulate I don't have dx Alzheimer experience only dementia.
And you never know what will work or wont work.
My client was a lifetime golfer so I used to put golf on for MONTHS and it was calming.
THEN it wasn't.
She started telling me her father was furious with her for playing golf all day and she was in trouble and he was coming to pick her up yada yada.
ATIVAN TIME!
But it was too late. I knew from her grimaces. She then chased the RN out of her room using her walker to run her over into the locked courtyard running for her life LOL.
I never could put the News or Weather channel on. WAY too confusing causing anxiety.
NEVER DEBATE anything or say "Remember"????
Learn to distract and redirect to another thing. Something benign like ducks outside.
Memories are bad.
Reminiscing is bad.
Questions are bad.
Friends are bad.
Too much talking is bad.
Too much laughing is bad.
Too many people in the room at once is bad.
Calm calm calm NO nervous chatter.
Sit looking out the window with him and stuff. He's seeing life through a very small keyhole.
Drink lots of water. NOT Other stuff. Water if possible.
The reason interacting with people for too long is BAD is because they have to be ACTING and that causes stress. Not you...the others.
I have so many stories it's not funny.
Like one daughter chewing her mother's ear off for an hour every nite at dinner and she REFUSED to listen to me that she was preventing the mother from dinner and her bedtime hygiene etc.
I never told her the mother always hung up and said to me "I have no idea at all WHO that is but boy can she TALK".
LOL
Good luck. It's a crap shoot but just tell yourself it's a challenge to see what works. And remember HE won't remember anyway so don't feel too sad.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 06-16-2017 at 05:47 PM..
I forgot to say a really INTERESTING thing about dementia is there's a nugget of truth somewhere in alot of the stuff that sounds crazy.
Sometimes there's a little clue.
Like "I HAVE TO MOVE THEY TOLD ME I HAVE TO MOVE - THEY LINED US UP OUTSIDE FOR THE BUS" for a week.
Then you find out they had a fire drill.
If your dad is not on any meds, there are anti anxiety meds as needed that have a short half life. NONE of the heavy duty ones like Seroquel - THE WORST. UGH
I'm talking about ativan etc. They all have potential side effects. That's why dementia people can't easily go to ALF because you cannot legally dope them up without their consent. ALF is totally voluntary. So the doc can prescribe but you have to finesse them to take their meds potentially.
He should ONLY be prescribed by a PSYCHIATRIST experienced in dementia because lots of smart alecky regular or geriatric docs think they know what they're doing with it and they don't.
Problem IS, the prescription can't be refilled without an exam.
LOOK for little physical clues that he's ramping UP.
Grimacing
Futzing around with fabric on his sleeve
clenching
looking around taking an "inventory"
asking questions (BE CAREFUL HOW YOU ANSWER).
Example: If he asks if his dad is alive or....on his way. Try and be evasive.
Sometimes you can say "I'm not sure" and it'll work. You may have to say "Oh you know he's always late".
You're "lying" to enter HIS reality but it could escalate any time.
Then if he changes "dad" to "mom" and says like "I didn't say DAD I said MOM!"....you're in trouble. That means the dementia is MAD you won and it's going to change to another topic to make him loose it - to make you wrong to give him a reason to fight with you.
Sometimes they'll just fight with you for the hell of it. "OH YOU DON"T KNOW???? WOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ELSE! HOW COME YOU DON"T KNOW THAT????"
That's usually the point of no return for awhile.
Dementia is EVIL!
Last edited by runswithscissors; 06-16-2017 at 05:40 PM..
We had to learn to let our mother adjust at her own speed when we moved her to an ALF, and then moved her again to another ALF. If your dad likes TV, he might watch his favorite programs.
He might not understand where he is, or really where he lived before. Our mother said she wanted to go home for years, but could not remember where home was for her. What she really wanted was to go back to being herself. Dementia steals the self. Your dad is processing his new situation as best he can, and at some point you might ask him where he thinks he is, but I think now, it is best to just let him be.
Alzheimer's & ALS have got to be the two worst things, not only for the person that has these awful diseases but their whole family. Which really can be said for just about any disease that doesn't take us quickly. Alzheimer's just takes away your most important thing: your mind, where ALS destroys your body but keeps your mind. They both suck.
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