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My MIL lived with us for nearly a year during medical treatment in our city. It was my idea, I had already thought "she needs to move up here" before my husband even brought it up.
It didn't go as I expected. I had a GREAT relationship with her prior to the move, so I didn't anticipate any battles or problems beyond just feeling like someone was in my space. However, once we were living together and my husband was in the mix (she was sort of possessive of him compared to me) things became really difficult. I felt like she got in the way of our marriage and my part in running our household.
(Example: Telling a relative, right in front of me, that "no, DON'T feed the dogs separately because they will be fine eating together." I had just asked the relative to please separate them when feeding because they have been known to be food aggressive with each other and start fights. This is the kind of stuff I was dealing with -- her interjecting an opinion that contradicted our household practices with no expertise or experience to back her up. Most of the time I ignored her comments -- but in cases like this where she's directing someone else contrary to my practices, I could not ignore it and it put me in the position of having to argue with her.)
In the earlier months, my husband didn't want to say anything to her "because she's in her 90s." In other words, he wanted to be the good son. I finally told him he needed to remind her in no uncertain terms that this is OUR home and I am his WIFE, not a roommate to the 2 of them. He finally got it and told her she needed to respect our space and our privacy. Things got better after that, although still difficult in certain ways.
I say all this to say that 1) it can be tough living with a parent even when the relationship is very good to start with, and 2) the actual son/daughter in the situation needs to step up and set the rules, not make you the bad guy all the time.
Wow, I totally agree!
My grandmother used to come for extended visits - a month or more. She wanted to help, and was often a great help, but one thing she did that drove me crazy is she would do laundry but take everything out of the drier early and then drape things all over the furniture and kitchen chairs, etc to dry. I mean, it looked like a clothing explosion in my house every time I came home! She also had some sort of elaborate way to hand wash dishes and then would lay them on towels all over my kitchen.
It drove me crazy and this was her actually trying to HELP. The OP's MIL isn't even helping herself, let alone others.
Honestly, OP, this is Basic Courtesy 101 - when you live in someone else's house, you abide by their rules. Period.
I'm glad your spouse is on your side. So she needs to be very forthright and blunt with her mom and tell her that she is living in a house that is not hers so she doesn't make the rules or call the shots. Period. Like wasel said, you can't be the bad guy - it needs to come from your wife.
My wife is firmly in my corner, and even tends to take the "bad guy" role more than I do. It has to be hard on her dealing with work, tons of overtime to get projects done, then having to hear the house drama for the day when she finally gets home. She has a stressful job, one mistake in programming can shut down the whole plant costing millions of dollars an hour, she's on 24/7 emergency call for the plant since she is the only one that knows the job. She's already working 60+ hours a week, including working most weekends from home. She always says that the only thing keeping her from stroking out is having a calm place to come home to, and now even that is gone. I feel like I'm letting her down as much as I'm letting down my MIL.
Sorry for venting yet again, it's already been a trying morning.
It is so kindhearted of you to care so much about her situation and feelings. I'm sure she appreciates you a lot. But the MIL is the issue, not you. Your peace and joy is important too, and I'm sure it's important to your wife too.
It is so kindhearted of you to care so much about her situation and feelings. I'm sure she appreciates you a lot. But the MIL is the issue, not you. Your peace and joy is important too, and I'm sure it's important to your wife too.
That is part of my problem, I was born the peacekeeper. I have always tried to make or keep everyone around me happy. I was a little mediator from a young age, with my siblings, my parent, my first marriage, and now. I was, and still am, the classic middle child.
Logically I know that I can't make everyone happy, but emotionally I still feel the need to make it happen. Maybe I'm the one that needs the therapist.
That is part of my problem, I was born the peacekeeper. I have always tried to make or keep everyone around me happy. I was a little mediator from a young age, with my siblings, my parent, my first marriage, and now. I was, and still am, the classic middle child.
Logically I know that I can't make everyone happy, but emotionally I still feel the need to make it happen. Maybe I'm the one that needs the therapist.
Hey, after my dad died and I "inherited" my mom, I went to counseling for about four months and it was money and time well spent!
Seriously, if you can go, I say go. This is a huge life and relationship changer and there's nothing wrong with getting some objective advice from a professional.
Hey, after my dad died and I "inherited" my mom, I went to counseling for about four months and it was money and time well spent!
Seriously, if you can go, I say go. This is a huge life and relationship changer and there's nothing wrong with getting some objective advice from a professional.
What a mess. OK so it sounds to me like you're stuck with her.
If she's a true hoarder - in all that trouble you talked about - then she's not mentally sound, right? Hoarding is an obsessive compulsive disorder at best even without a bunch of other stuff. Also, do you know if she has a history of drinking, drugs, mental illness dx etc?
Possible your wife isn't sharing that history with you or you forgot to mention it? (It's not unusual). Have you personally actually seen her in action for all these prior years? I'd say your wife KNOWS how her mother is...unless she has been completely estranged with no contact for many many years, right? So you're nicer than I would be in the empathy and sympathy department LOL. I may have missed that part.
I would NEVER EVER in a million years agree to be the responsible party for a spouse's family insanity. But I'd be screening for that early on, too!
Sorry, this isn't YOUR problem to deal with and try and play psychiatric hero and fixer.
So I'd *hope* that she settles down but it'll probably never be easy.
An example of not making sense is her "threat" to "go back". LOL back where? With zero money or property.
If you can't get her on medication (and it should be from a psychiatrist) you're in double trouble because unless and until she is a danger to herself or others....you can't even get an involuntary commitment if necessary or guardianship just on the basis of her being a PITA. Or even just being mentally ill.
You would have had a better shot in her ORIGINAL condition back home with APS or other county services before rescuing her.
An example of that danger would be if she ends up wandering away from the house and gets lost. (other than you typical stuff like violence, suicide threats etc)
If you don't want to put a residence out back to at least give her a place to OCD about, I can't really think of anything that would actually work.
Do you think she has dementia? If so, she'll keep deteriorating until she needs residential care. In the early stages they have the ability to argue like you describe but there are also clues that come out and family usually just thinks it's "being old". For that matter, if she has a mental illness the same thing could apply.
Also, if someone was a long term drinker, they often have brain damage and it's not diagnosed until a very good doctor - neurologist - puts it together. I've had clients in their 40s with that problem. Even when they were sober their family/friends were accusing them of being drunk but I knew for a fact they were't and then it came out they had permanent lobe damage which can mimic other things.
That's why a lot of these situations can be so confusing and difficult because there are underlying issues. NOT just because someone is a routine PITA.
Now if she's just a nasty SOB, then IGNORE HER.
There's an old proverb: "If you don't want to argue, then don't." LOL easier said than done.
That is part of my problem, I was born the peacekeeper. I have always tried to make or keep everyone around me happy. I was a little mediator from a young age, with my siblings, my parent, my first marriage, and now. I was, and still am, the classic middle child.
Logically I know that I can't make everyone happy, but emotionally I still feel the need to make it happen. Maybe I'm the one that needs the therapist.
OK I just saw this after my last post.
Factcheck: True.
Don't ruin your own life for someone else. And kids' lives. Do you have kids? Death do us part doesn't mean that it's a one way street of sacrifice.
ETA: BTW it is totally NOT NORMAL for someone in this woman's position to be crying for days because her new potential FREE HOUSE doesn't have a guest room or she didn't get wallpaper. (was the "for days" part hyperbole? That won't help YOU)
It's likely she was "upset" because she had very little hoarding space (guessing)
It's not being charitable for you to ignore this fact. It's being in denial. NO offense. JOB OR NO JOB, your wife has a problem with HER MOTHER.
Also, you can't fix what was wrong with your parents' behavior/lives with new people. It doesn't work that way. (I just saved you a ton of money paying a shrink
Last edited by runswithscissors; 07-25-2017 at 10:10 AM..
Point one, we won't do until she decides what she wants. I won't spend any more money for a place for her until she decides if she is going to stay. I won;t throw money away on a possibility when that the money we have been saving to work on our own house. We have been saving to remodel the master bath then the kitchen, this cash is what we are re purposing to put her place in.
.
What other real choice does she have besides staying with you?
That is part of my problem, I was born the peacekeeper. I have always tried to make or keep everyone around me happy. I was a little mediator from a young age, with my siblings, my parent, my first marriage, and now. I was, and still am, the classic middle child.
Logically I know that I can't make everyone happy, but emotionally I still feel the need to make it happen. Maybe I'm the one that needs the therapist.
I don't know about that classic middle child. My bro is the middle and he was always ABSENT to help anyone. Me being the oldest, moved 3000 miles away from family so for that reason I was absent a lot. But stayed with my dad 3 months when he was declining. My sis the youngest, did everything for our parents as she lived fairly close so felt the need to do a lot.
Often the one that could be caregiver has their own health issues. At this point in my life with bodywide OA, I couldn't care for anyone else, it's all I can do to take care of me.
What a mess. OK so it sounds to me like you're stuck with her.
If she's a true hoarder - in all that trouble you talked about - then she's not mentally sound, right? Hoarding is an obsessive compulsive disorder at best even without a bunch of other stuff. Also, do you know if she has a history of drinking, drugs, mental illness dx etc?
Possible your wife isn't sharing that history with you or you forgot to mention it? (It's not unusual). Have you personally actually seen her in action for all these prior years? I'd say your wife KNOWS how her mother is...unless she has been completely estranged with no contact for many many years, right? So you're nicer than I would be in the empathy and sympathy department LOL. I may have missed that part.
I would NEVER EVER in a million years agree to be the responsible party for a spouse's family insanity. But I'd be screening for that early on, too!
Sorry, this isn't YOUR problem to deal with and try and play psychiatric hero and fixer.
So I'd *hope* that she settles down but it'll probably never be easy.
An example of not making sense is her "threat" to "go back". LOL back where? With zero money or property.
If you can't get her on medication (and it should be from a psychiatrist) you're in double trouble because unless and until she is a danger to herself or others....you can't even get an involuntary commitment if necessary or guardianship just on the basis of her being a PITA. Or even just being mentally ill.
You would have had a better shot in her ORIGINAL condition back home with APS or other county services before rescuing her.
An example of that danger would be if she ends up wandering away from the house and gets lost. (other than you typical stuff like violence, suicide threats etc)
If you don't want to put a residence out back to at least give her a place to OCD about, I can't really think of anything that would actually work.
Do you think she has dementia? If so, she'll keep deteriorating until she needs residential care. In the early stages they have the ability to argue like you describe but there are also clues that come out and family usually just thinks it's "being old". For that matter, if she has a mental illness the same thing could apply.
Also, if someone was a long term drinker, they often have brain damage and it's not diagnosed until a very good doctor - neurologist - puts it together. I've had clients in their 40s with that problem. Even when they were sober their family/friends were accusing them of being drunk but I knew for a fact they were't and then it came out they had permanent lobe damage which can mimic other things.
That's why a lot of these situations can be so confusing and difficult because there are underlying issues. NOT just because someone is a routine PITA.
Now if she's just a nasty SOB, then IGNORE HER.
There's an old proverb: "If you don't want to argue, then don't." LOL easier said than done.
No drinking or drug use history, in fact she has always been a tee totaler not even a sip of wine unless it's at church. We get glares for having a beer or a drink on weekends. We do believe that she is showing some early signs of dementia, forgets things all the time even after being reminded, totally fabricates things that were never said. Just this morning she went off that we made her sell her car. We did no such thing, but we did tell her that her car was not in good running condition, and we would get her a lease when she got here if she wanted.
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